Escorts who do Porn

Client considerations in booking escorts who also do porn.

Is it different seeing escorts who are also porn-stars?

The obvious answer is yes and no. I have been asked a number of times to finish this article, and to be honest, I have have held off writing it because to me it is not a compelling topic. I don’t see any significant difference personally, but I do identify with and understand some of the interest in the conversation.

I also feel that this article is also a good chance to highlight a couple of other semi-related considerations of how clients and sex-workers are presented publicly. It is on representations of clients and escorts that I am going to begin and finish with the topic of escorts who do porn.

BigSpaFun

The difference between physical and behavioural representations.

So let’s take a disconnected event on Twitter as a slightly unusual start to this article. A man, at best at time-waster, at worst a troubled and possibly dangerous pest, private messages an escort with a ‘dick-pic’. This I think we can all agree is a degrading and stupid move, and one that is unfortunately all too common. The escort posts the image and this person’s message publicly on her Twitter in an attempt to shame the man and tell a tale of caution to others.

To a reprobate like that it probably has the opposite effect, giving the loser the attention that he wants. He is just as likely to continue messaging his dick-pics in more attempts to be seen re-posted on escort accounts with over 10,000 followers. Now that this person’s ‘dick-pic’ is ‘out in public’, it receives two key kinds of response as other Twitter accounts (escorts and clients) all ‘weigh-in’ on the topic. The first class are behavioural comments, they criticize the person for the poor behaviour of posting a ‘dick-pic’. The second class of comments are physical, they suggest that the penis is small and the person is poorly endowed and he should be ashamed of showing his inadequacy to women and the public. For the record, his penis was about average size.

I personally do not like calling people out physically for something that is behavioural. Apart from it being a quick ‘race to the drain’ on who is behaving badly, it also sends a signal to a bunch of other people that they are also perverted or poorly behaved for how they look. To have escorts say a normal penis is weird, small, disgusting and evidence of worthlessness – has problems all of its own in the mental self-image of many clients and prospective clients.

This incident wasn’t about his physicality it was about his mentality, but apparently it is fine to treat one piece of poor judgement with any abusive message that we like. His poor behaviour, made the poor behaviour of others acceptable, in the eyes of some of the mob that participate in this type of social media lynching.

What on earth Percie has this got to do with porn-star escorts?

So some people love porn, some people don’t, and many people have a troubled relationship with it – believing it is a dirty little secret that they consume as needed and then tell the world publicly that it is bad. For the purpose of this article, it doesn’t really matter what you think of porn. What matters is that like the guy with the ‘dick-pic’, as this image based content gets circulated online, porn also turns its participants into public property – for the entertainment and comment of anyone with a keyboard.

Instead of looking at ‘mentality’ and behaviour, a large slice of the audience look at ‘physicality’ and feel that it is all of sudden fine to make judgements, make comments on any aspect and effectively de-humanise the subjects – making them an object in the same way as the ‘dick-man’. All of a sudden ridicule, comment on genitals, appearance, sex appeal, stereotypes on cleanliness and poor morals, are all apparently fair-game once the person is in the public eye as a result of their participation in porn (and of course this also happens with escort marketing as well).

So if I have one key point to make, it is that these porn-star escorts get a stereotype applied to them by many people that is grossly unfair. Yes this happens to all escorts, because they are all partly de-humanised by the industry, the internet, and the necessary public marketing representations, but it is worse for porn participants. There are even stigmas applied from each sphere of the sex-work industry upon the other spheres of the industry. This ‘segmentation’, and the interaction and judgements that exist, are all worthy of re-assessment in the minds of us all. We should try, where we can, to treat each person on their merits, not by where they draw their personal line in the sex industy.

Removing stereotypes and dealing with people.

I am no expert at all on escorts that do porn. I have only met four of them in person. When I met the first, I was a little unsure about making a booking and then also about meeting them. I had some stereotypes in my mind.

I thought they would be laughing at me on the inside, as with me they had inferior, boring, vanilla, garden-variety sex with a middle-aged man, who is no better equipped physically than our ‘dick-pic’ man. How could I compare with the fine male specimens that ravish these beautiful women in porn-grade sexual encounters? Would they be bored by an escort booking, compared to the ‘perceived’ glamour of producing porn? Would they expect me to perform like a porn-star? This along-side many other similar insecurities made me consider not proceeding. Maybe this effect and these ignorant and unfounded concerns still impact new and inexperienced clients and turn them away. While I am sure there is another type of client that is highly attracted to the idea of booking a porn-star.

Of course my more experienced friends and readers, it is now your turn to be laughing at me. You know many escorts in porn do it as a side-line. In Australia they don’t earn enormous sums of money. It is hard work, inelegant, artificial and not really that much fun to make in many instances. Some unscrupulous porn producers also take advantage of Escorts trying to build their profile. It is also not representative of the full range of sex that these same escorts enjoy – it is, even when fun to make – for the most part fake! I’m sure that comes as no surprise, so why do so many men feel that porn represents real sexual performance expectations?

My view on the difference.

So now that I have met some escorts that have made porn, I don’t think there is any difference (other than the porn exposure) between them and escorts who choose not to make porn. They are completely different, individual and for the most part amazing people, just like the majority of other escorts that I have met. If there is any difference, it is that they have another level of ‘dick-pic’ type guys to deal with – they are subject to some pretty poor behaviours and probably some unfair expectations from their escort bookings. In some cases, they are also subject to unfair thinking by non-porn escorts, clients and some of the social media and forum channels. It takes a pretty strong person to be an escort, and you have to add a bit more strength to add porn into that mix as well.

I don’t think there is any difference between escorts that do porn and those that don’t, unfortunately I am not the only person out there and an awful lot of people do see a difference and buy into ridiculous stereotypes. Meet people in person, they are guaranteed to change your mind!

Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment, share, re-post on Twitter and send me requests for future articles. Coming up in June, some guest articles from other authors, interview with an escort (or two), and interview with another client.

Xx SP 28 April 2017 (article updated 3 June 2017).

Secret Keepers

How much information do you risk to build intimacy?

Escorts and clients need to master secrecy.

I believe that secrets, or more accurately personal information, is the biggest conundrum in the escort-client world. Humans give information to each other to build connection, or share secrets to build intimacy if you prefer. Both privacy and intimacy are escort industry requirements, so how do you strike the right balance?

To make this harder, every escort and every client, is on their own different and personal position on the continuum between totally private and fully public. How much can be disclosed, and how much needs to be protected, is a different equation for everyone.

WordsPhoto

Why are there secrets?

Escorts need information for screening, security and for some reasonable background research on someone they are about to be intimate with. This information in the wrong hands can be damaging. In addition many clients, myself included, are looking for companionship and intimacy in addition to sex, and that leads to sharing information about our needs, our story, our lives and our experiences. Some of this information can be the most personal and the most secret of information, and it is shared intimately and quickly.

Presented with this ‘client unloading’ of information, it would be hard for an escort not to reciprocate in information sharing in some way. In addition, one major way of showing intimacy and connection is exchanging trusted information, another thing that can be hard to resist doing. Escorts are also just as likely as clients to have issues in their life that they want to discuss and limited pathways that let them do this. Escorts also need to share information for the benefit of the industry and for personal learning and security – the temptation can also be to overshare for peer-to-peer connection building and even sometimes for amusement and entertainment.

The whole industry is under siege from society, so talking within it, about it, and between the participants in it, is not surprisingly about the only way to release, explore and consider important topics, experiences, information and secrets. Information is currency and it can be used for good or evil, it can be used to become intimate and trusted, it can be used to destroy and harm.

What are the rules?

When I first published this article, I thought  that this piece might generate some debate. It didn’t, most people seemed to agree the principles if not the practice and it seems we all know it is a big issue. How do we benefit from personal knowledge without abusing it? There are some legal rules, there are some generally accepted moral rules, there are some industry ‘norms’ and peer pressure (naming and shaming), and then there is individual personal position – personal position is really the rule set that applies. In one-to-one intimate meetings, it is going to be personal position that decides what is shared and what isn’t.

Some clients and escorts believe that nothing should be shared. Similarly some believe that lots should be shared. Escorts that publicly post relatively harmless (but nasty, derogatory or inappropriate) private messages from the identifiable accounts of ‘punters’ into public channels, and then complain about their own bad reviews or shared personal information, are showing hypocrisy in their values around disclosure. Similarly clients who complain about providing screening information and then post denigrating reviews of an escort on public forums, complete with intimate details, are also worse than hypocrites. Everyone has a different view of where the boundaries of fairness, trust and respect lie but some actions are downright despicable in every situation.

Defining the secrecy territory.

Most industry participants have some privacy barriers. Clients are often in a secret-life that most of their friends, family and colleagues are unaware of, they generally want them to stay unaware – in fact they need them to stay unaware. This fact is one of the biggest reasons for the industry existing in its current form and is also one of the best security mechanisms for escorts – the client’s fear of being ‘outed’ in their public life is a force for maintaining good behaviour.

Escorts have every variety of privacy, from total secrecy to celebrity status. Some escorts are part-timers with real-life professions that they would no longer be able to work within if they were ‘outed’. Others have not disclosed their escorting to family and friends. Some just want privacy and a separate life. Of course there are others that are industry beacons, spokespeople and look for marketing and exposure to become a part of their total public brand construction, they are out-and-proud with everyone. Every one of these approaches is reasonable and understandable, none should be shamed by others, and they all should be understood and respected in terms of information, privacy (or publicity) and secrecy. No one should force, by their actions, anyone to move beyond their position on this privacy spectrum by sharing inappropriate information.

Personal boundaries.

I am unusually both public and private. My personal information is totally private and yet I want to explore my experiences and thoughts in this public blog and a social media presence – anonymously – choosing the name of a ‘semi-famous’ fictional character known for his anonymity. You can choose to respect that decision and privacy boundaries or you can try and force me into a different place – one choice is respectful and generous, the other is self-serving and vindictive.

Escorts that I see know more about me (of course) and they generally keep it to themselves, except for information they know I wouldn’t mind being shared – that is in my view the best model. Escorts for the most part are brilliant ‘Secret Keepers’. Since everyone is different, if you need or want to share information, make sure you know that it is acceptable, you know what the other person is comfortable with being shared and the manner in which you are sharing it. If you mean harm or even just a negligent lack-of-care in its sharing, then you are not doing the right thing. If you are sharing it based around your values alone and not their values, then again, you are out of line on this most important aspect of the escort industry.

A story of two people and secrecy.

I have seen a wonderful escort called Jessie Lee Pierce, although I prefer to call her Doctor Pierce (I guess I could take the M.A.S.H. connection further and use Hawkeye as a nickname – a reference for us older types). I can tell you this for four reasons. Firstly Jessie is a relatively open book, very authentic, open and honest in her public presentation on a range of social media and online channels. Secondly, it is public knowledge through these channels that she is studying bio-medicine – much smarter person than me. Thirdly, it is pretty clear through my social media and through hers that we have a small (but highly valued by me) client-escort connection. Finally, I asked her if I could say this, and kindly (and hopefully safe from any resulting negative impact), she said yes.

Every part of this is a trust and permission story. Not every escort wants (some, any or all of) the clients they see to be known. That choice should be respected, so my social media occasionally mentions some of the escorts that I see and not others (also not always on the same day or with correct or identifiable detail – be careful believing what you see and read on Twitter) – it is a result of their choice, permission and preference. The information itself is important, every piece of information has a different sensitivity. I have shared something Jessie is relatively comfortable with, not the things that we discuss in private. It is never OK in my opinion to share ‘outing’ information – real names or similarly sensitive information. If it is because of a crime or malicious act, share it with the right people not in public forums. Again in my opinion alone, there are some reasonable exceptions to this for escorts, however protected forums, industry groups, and back-channels, are probably better than public posts in the majority of cases. Although even in those ‘back-channels’, there are unscrupulous people who will take advantage of private information. I have been trolled with information that was from a channel that I am not even meant to know exists – so be very careful with what secrets you share.

How to be a secret keeper.

Everyone makes mistakes, especially since this is a complicated and huge area. It is hard for many of us to talk to people outside of the ‘isolated’ bubble of the sex-work industry, so we talk to each other, and we are all interested disciples of the industry, dependent on the knowledge we have for our safety, enjoyment, industry friendships and building intimacy.

Since personal information is one of the ‘tools-of-the-trade’, managing it is a big deal. We are all secret keepers. If you have been in contact with anyone for long enough, the sharing and trust circle gets bigger and bigger. There are some escorts that know more about the deep, real me, than almost anyone else in my life, this often leads to them trusting me with similarly deep, personal, emotional and sensitive insights. No matter what happens, no matter how upset in the moment we are, remember hurting someone else will not heal you. Let’s protect each other’s sensitive information, then we can be more intimate, safe and helpful to each other in a world that is loosing some of this respect and personal connection.

As I’m sure you agree, this is a big, big, topic. It has so many aspects and will no doubt be an area that I return to in future articles. I hope it made you think about your own perspective on this topic and I would be most pleased with any comments (here or on Twitter) that you have. Sharing and re-posting also very much appreciated.

Stay safe, stay nice and build connections. Thank you for reading.

Xx SP 25 April 2017 (Lest We Forget) (article updated 30 May 2017).

Discounts, Promos and Rates

More thoughts on Escort rates and pricing models.

OMG are you crazy?

In a word – yes! Talking about sex-worker rates is always dangerous territory. All those jumbled up concepts of market forces, value, personal determination, competition and client expectation. What a minefield!

Since I said in my earlier piece on Escort Rates that I would discuss regular’s rates, rate changes, and discounting in a later article, a few people have called me out on that commitment. So here it is, Escort Rates Part 2 – discounts, promos, rate changes and regulars. Almost certain to get a wide variety of comments!

DollarsShot2

Discounting and Promotions.

I can see that this can be a valuable tool for any business, escorts included. As a client however, I do not book escorts on discounts and promotions (at least not anymore). There is a simple reason for this. I have a comfort level for rates, just as I do for restaurants, wine and most discretionary luxury items, and it is fantastic when those brands, products and services discount. But here is the rub, those things are not people.

I make a booking with escorts where the expectation is that I might make a connection and then re-book, maybe many, many more times. If an escort is only in my price bracket once, and I really like them, then I have a problem. They aren’t really in my part of the market and I either become a future cheapskate or uncomfortable with the rate – either way is a bad outcome that is best avoided from the start. Now clearly not everyone will feel this way, as for the clients who only want one experience, then that is a whole different matter. The question then is, does the escort want to encourage a group of mostly ‘once only’ clients – clearly a decision for them to make.

Rate Changes.

If you are a client for any length of time, rates are going to change. Some escorts choose to move their rates around fairly dramatically as demand grows or shrinks, some make a value decision and stick to it, some increase progressively over time. As you would expect, there is almost every model you can think of, so I need to talk in general terms.

If an escort increases their rates, they have three choices for existing clients – don’t tell them, let them know, or ‘grand-father’ them (hold the old rate for regulars or certain past clients). My preference is being told – it shows a level of communication and respect. I have been in a booking and paid less than expected because I don’t always re-check an escort’s rates, that is an embarrassing situation for a client and an uncomfortable one for an escort.

I am also not keen on being ‘grand-fathered’. I know that seems strange, but you can’t be on lower rates forever and it means new clients are ‘earning’ the escort more money and there will eventually be a temptation for the escort not to see their lower paying older clients. I would rather be told, maybe granted an adjustment period, and then pay the full expected rate or if necessary, make the choice to move on and let the escort earn at the rate they now expect and command.

I should say however that escorts wanting to build solid repeat business with regular clients should exercise caution with dramatic rate changes and big transitions. Most clients can handle a bit more, and then a bit more and so on, but a large jump may force their hand into making a different choice and being forced to stop seeing the escort. I have had to say goodbye on a couple of occasions due to a large change, only to find the escort lowered their rate again months later. It is hard to reengage under that scenario knowing that it might be short-lived.

Pricing for regulars. This is likely to be the most controversial section of this article, as I am not fully sure what I think about this part of the topic myself. I guess my most accurate belief would be that service suppliers should recognise their most important customers in every industry. What that means is a matter for the supplier and their customers and there are so many ways to demonstrate the strength and importance of a relationship. Reducing price for regulars may not be the best for either the escort or the client. The client may not want to save money, they may just want a better connection, special attention, deeper intimacy, customised bookings, choice on times, or any other feature of a booking that encourages this regular connection to continue and grow, rather than a bit more money left over. Again this will depend on the escort and the nature of their clients.

In my case, I pay certain regular escorts above their standard rate. Sound’s crazy right? Maybe I am, but my thinking is that I want them to know that they are special to me, and send a signal that I value them more than a set rate. In effect adding a small ‘cash-gift’ to the booking. I tend to stop this ‘added payment’ at a certain rate, and if I am being completely open and honest (as I have tried to be everywhere else with this blog), then there are certain slightly higher rate escorts that I do wish would offer me a slight reduction for regular bookings. It is a strange dynamic and I guess it is not wanting to pay too far below or too far above the level that I have become accustomed to paying.

So this is complex territory as it is a combination of client and escort expectations within the context of all of their experiences and their own spending or earning comparisons. This article is just one client’s experience and it is already getting complicated. So making it simple – pay what is asked or walk away, unless you have a close enough business relationship for a mutually beneficial discussion on what works between you.

Comfort with rates in general.

An escort is not selling themselves, they are selling their range of services for a given time as long as all of their other conditions are met. A client is not buying a person, they are buying a selection of services for a given time as long as they meet or exceed the conditions of purchase. So the rate has nothing to do with the value of the person. Since it is also an interaction between two people, it should always include respect, boundaries, privacy and a desire to make each other comfortable in an intimate and highly personal setting.

What an escort charges for their offer is entirely their business. What a client is willing to pay is also entirely their business. When they match, business should proceed. If they don’t, then both the escort and client should walk away with good grace.

Shaming, attempting to force a generic model on others, seeing comparison rates as a judgement of personal value or service quality, and similar judgements on the industry segment (rate range) that a client chooses to buy within, are all poor behaviors in my opinion. I know there are certain escorts that I might wish to see, but they charge too high a rate for me to consider booking – that is their good fortune and I have no issue with their rate, in the same manner as certain houses are out of my reach. I also have a comfort range and choose to operate within it (most of the time), I should not have to defend what I buy from others that operate at a lower-range. Ultimately we all sort out our buying and selling behaviours for ourselves and that doesn’t mean everyone else should be at the same level.

I sincerely thank every escort that continues to see me, as two things have happened to make that the case. Firstly, I am getting more value than I am paying for, and secondly, they are getting the business outcome that they want for what is given in return. Clients should respect the escorts that take their repeat bookings and escorts should respect the clients who continue to return to them, because more than anywhere else, the re-booking thresholds seem to best indicate where the equilibrium in this industry exists.

That may have turned out to be a rather dry discussion, as money often is. Maybe I should write on something else that I also know nothing about – like sex toys. A little joke.

I hope I haven’t upset anyone too much, but I also hope I have made you think and perhaps share, comment or consider your own position. Thanks so much for reading.

Xx SP 20 April 2017 (article updated 27 May 2017).

Thoughtful Gifts

Some thoughts and recollections on client-escort gifts.

Gifts between escorts and clients.

I really do need to write more upbeat blog articles. Here is one that I really enjoyed writing and have enjoyed updating as well. This piece may not be exactly what you think, this is not the story of clients giving escorts gifts, I will write on that topic another day, this is the story of clients (this client) receiving gifts from escorts.

Maybe if you are a fellow traveler (client), then this may happen for you a lot, but in my experience it is a relatively rare and highly cherished thing. Maybe this is because it goes against the ‘flow of money’, but when a small, relatively low-cost, but clearly considerate gift is given, it is a very moving and memorable thing. It is one of those surprising highlights that just feels so nice and that feeling lasts a very long time.

AdventureKRing

Why is a gift from an escort so special?

There are a number of obvious reasons, the main one being that it is unexpected. In addition, no matter how small, it is a return of some of the financial earnings of the escort. It also shows that you, the client, were on their mind outside of a booking for at least long enough for the purchase of a gift. I don’t know about other clients, but to know that a single thought of me passed through the mind of an escort I care about, outside of the booking or planning, is such an amazingly uplifting feeling – and a gift is proof of that moment of thought. When it is a gift with meaning, that shows a real understanding of you and your personality or desires, then it is a joyous and highly memorable moment.

Small time extensions, communication outside of bookings or their arrangement, extra effort in any aspect of the booking, clear attentiveness, all of these things are of course gifts as well. Anything ‘above and beyond’ that is given at the escort’s discretion, is in its own way a gift, given to the client by the escort. These should never be expected and they should always be appreciated. However the receipt of something physical, a real gift and symbol that sits outside of the booking, is a very sweet experience indeed.

Some of my memorable moments.

I have had champagne brought to bookings by my companions, those moments stick in my memory. I have had cards on my Birthday and at Christmas with very kind words, even notes left for no reason at all, I have kept them all, well hidden, but they all mean something to me. One in particular just struck a chord with what it said and how it was given and it brings a tear to my eye just recalling it.

I have been given a cigarette lighter from an escort’s overseas holiday destination and weird candy and chocolates brought back from overseas trips as well. Every gift I have received I recall clearly, and they all bring the memory of the booking and the person back with them, recalled more easily than some other bookings. The recollection is made easier thanks to the connection, that moment of surprise that goes with receiving an unexpected gift, offered by a beautiful and kind escort, makes those moments stick clearly in my memory.

A few gift stories illustrate my point, and they make me remember sweet and wonderful things about four amazing women. Firstly there is a repeat offender who sends me back, or returns in hand, with strange and wonderful alcoholic beverages and other accoutrements from her travels – items not generally available in Australia – yes she is an addiction in more ways than one. This has also included weird and wonderful sex toys from overseas. She is a lot braver than me, heading through customs with some of those items, all for the fun of discovery and sharing.

Secondly two wonderful escorts brought me back a very meaningful item from their overseas travels. That specific (and currently secret) item has been ‘on-tour’ with me and may take up its own place in a photo essay or blog article story one day. Finally, there is a simple engraved key ring, it captures an important connection and mantra for me so clearly and simply, that it just brings a whole host of memories and emotions flooding back to me whenever I see it – and I see it every day. I named a whole article after this gift called ‘Adventure’, this one gift is an anchor-point and perpetual reminder that we should all be here to have fun, great experiences and adventure. Sometimes I need that message and a re-focus on fun.

Making moments meaningful.

I think my take-away from this article is a simple one. Whether a client or an escort, you can make a moment meaningful outside of the financial or situational specifics of a booking. Something exchanged, words, feelings, a gift or giving a little something extra of yourself, they all show that there is just a little more happening between two people than a transaction. Of course if there isn’t that is perfectly fine, a normal booking is highly enjoyable, rewarding and fun, just not the subject of this article. Sometimes however it is nice to give and to receive, just a little bit more. In some cases, the gift is so charged with meaning, it will never be forgotten.

If you are the person going the extra step, you are giving the other person just a bit better experience and a better day. If you know someone well enough, you may even end up giving them something that means the world to them.

Celebrating the adventure!

You may feel from some of my articles and explorations that I have a negative reading on escorting and my experiences. That couldn’t be further from the truth, it is just that my writing is often here to explore issues, and often those issues are areas of tension in this tension packed industry. I am pleased in this case to tell you a story, a true and emotional story, of real giving generously offered to me.

I am not sure that the gifts I have given to escorts in return mean as much, but I have been touched deeply on a number of occasions by the thoughtfulness of escorts and the things that they have given to me – sometimes a gift, sometimes an idea, sometimes something of themselves – most escorts are extremely giving people and that is part of the reason why my secret client life, often feels like the richest part of my life. It is certainly rich in experience and human interaction.

I hope that it isn’t just my ‘issue posts’ that gather attention, I hope that you also like hearing something on the positive things that escorts bring to clients like me.

Thank you for your readership. If you feel like sharing, commenting or feedback, that is greatly appreciated, as are your thoughts and experiences if you care to add them. Thanks to Mike and Bella for comments on the original version of this article.

Xx SP 19 April 2017 (article updated 25 May 2017).

Hiatus Perspective

Traveling in April was a well needed chance for a review.

Making a personal reassessment.

When I first drafted this article, I had not seen an escort for more than four-weeks. I know that doesn’t sound like much of a break, but it was the longest hiatus for me since I started upon this adventure. Instead, as some of you know, I went traveling and I took the opportunity to do some thinking.

I tried to think about my future. What did I need to do to be better, be aligned with my real self, get more enjoyment out of life, and be a good person to be around for myself and for others. So here is a little insight into that thinking and how it has been progressing since the first release of this article.

HarbourCocktail

Some of the triggers for making change.

One of the triggers for ‘reassessment’ I had already hinted at in this blog in the piece on Relationship Breakdowns. It was an ending with an escort that I liked very much, a person that I had been seeing regularly since almost the beginning of my client journey.  The last part of the last message that I received from her was as follows …

“… there is much I like about you but what I like most about you is your money. If this hurts you remember that I am a sex worker, I do this because I like money and this is how we met. And if this hurts you then maybe you aren’t cut out for being a john after all.

Either way, there’s no going back from this. I think it’s time to accept that our relationship has come to its natural end.”

This very painful conclusion to what I thought was a great connection has been on my mind, and to be honest, is still on my mind. The more confronting parts of this exchange, combined with other personal issues and some other recent negative experiences with escorts made me look at my travel break as a badly needed chance to get some space, think about recent events and return with a plan.

The beginnings of a plan.

I have been needing more from my Escort interactions than it is fair to expect. From the lonely and unfulfilled position that I was in when I started this adventure, I needed physical and sexual fulfillment, and I also needed more interpersonal connection and deep personal intimacy. I put these two things together into the same sought outcome. In some way, I thought that regular and extended (mainly dinner) bookings with escorts might address both groups of needs – especially with escorts where I felt a strong connection. Maybe in some rare cases they can be combined, but for the most part this is asking too much on the relationship, too much from an escort. I have been coming to the party with the wrong expectations. So what does this mean for me?

Friendships with escorts.

In my real-life (I would rather say public life, as it is no more real to me), I deal with clients and offer a personal service. I consider many of my clients as friends. They however don’t know if I am a ‘real friend’ to them, or just a ‘friend for business’, until the client relationship is over – money in any walk-of-life gets in the way of knowing this for sure.

I am in the reverse position in the client-escort world. I hope that friendship has developed in some cases of strong and sustained connection, but I can’t know that it actually exists until the business is over, an emotion and topic that I started to explore in my Friends and Lovers blog. So now, after having been hurt on more than a few occasions, I am going to try and just focus on the ‘business at hand’, and let the friendships, if there are any, sort themselves out over the fullness of time. I am going to be a little more of the ‘ghost’ persona that I described in the blog article and respond to escort communications rather than seek to initiate them.

Since drafting this originally, I do however have to admit that is a work in progress. If anything, I have been in exactly the same position. I am unclear as to whether I can separate bookings from the gaps in between them as much as I had hoped.

Changing my booking behaviour.

None of this means a change in who I am. I can’t help but try to be a gentleman. I feel that regardless of the transactional nature of this business, a client should always try to be charming, good company, as good as they can be at sex, well mannered, clean, respectful, courteous, generous, interested in their partner and play their part in making the experience as rewarding and memorable as possible.

In some ways, this is the same set of behaviours for building friendships, but from now on, I am going to consider it as building a good client-escort connection, and not assume that it is also building a friendship outside of that business relationship. That actually means at least two significant changes for me as this year progresses.

A new adventure.

Part of my booking ‘decision making’ was built around friendship and a sense of related obligation. No escort has any obligation to me and I need to reduce the sense of obligation that I feel toward them. If called upon to be a friend, then I will of course be there, but I no longer feel that it is an obligation to make bookings in the belief that I am helping a friend. I will make bookings on where I believe I will get the most enjoyment in the same way I expect that escorts will take bookings from where they achieve the greatest level of their own goal and need fulfillment.

I will look to the best fulfillment of my physical, sexual, intimacy and enjoyment needs. This will certainly center around escorts I have come to know and feel enjoyment with, but I am aiming to remove any guilt, pity, obligation and any other negative considerations from the way I make decisions about who I ask to see.

Other changes.

I will also be making other changes in my life. I am going to travel more, for its own sake, to learn about new places and meet new people. I am going to get therapy to deal with some of my ‘need to be liked’, to be a friend and gain fulfillment from other life choices in the areas where seeing escorts is not the best pathway. I am going to have fun and I am going to be fun to be around for others in my life, inside and outside of my sex-industry encounters.

I am going to continue to see escorts (and write about it here, in the same generalist and discrete way). Some regulars I am keen to see as soon as possible. I have missed them enormously while I have been away. I may however change from primarily ‘dinner dates’ and look at other booking durations and formats as well. I am undecided on what this means in practice just at the moment, but I am going to try other experiences – more interesting bookings, even if that means less of them in total.

Communication changes.

I am also going to change the way that I communicate. In my work, when a client contacts me, I am responsive to their business needs. Sometimes I send clients that I am less interested in ‘signals’ when I don’t really want their work, or I am too busy to take on any more – this signal is often non-contact or non-response.

In assuming that escorts might be friends, I try to ignore signals that they are too busy, not really interested in seeing me as a client, and I accept a level of delay and need for me to re-contact that I wouldn’t expect in a transactional relationship. I may, as a result, have been guilty of ‘bothering’ well mannered but apparently uninterested escorts into bookings because I put their disinterest down to friendly forgetfulness. Trying to ignore signals that perhaps my business wasn’t wanted.

I’m not going to be that guy anymore – I’ll ask once and assume that non-responsiveness is the real answer. Part of my issue with at least two of my escort relationship ‘break-downs’ was expecting communication and then asking why I wasn’t getting any response.

Exploring my own sexuality.

I am also ready for some other experiences beyond ‘dinner date’ girlfriend (GFE) experiences. I think that in dropping some of my need to ‘build a friendship’, I can experience some bookings that are just more primal and more intensely focused on the sex or other aspects of the experience. I guess I am looking at practitioners in other areas of sex-work to see where my interests start and stop.

As a person with a largely ‘vanilla’ experience of sex, I have a lot to learn, and parts of me to awaken that I don’t even know what they are – they have been dormant for a very long time. This isn’t just for sex, I am opening myself up to other experiences in my life as well.

In my more regular bookings, I believe I will look for some chances to experience other things with trusted regular companions, travel, extended dates, sharing other experiences together, and opportunities for me to have new experiences, fun and enjoyment before time passes and those chances are lost. Hopefully constructing these experiences in a way that is new for my companion as well.

Avoiding being hardened by hurt.

The biggest realization from this hiatus is that I will not be hardened by hurt. I have not been hardened before in my life and I will not be now. To some people this makes me soft and easy to take advantage of. I reinforce my life-long view, that being ‘soft’ and sustaining hurt is far better than being ‘hard’ and immune to emotion. I will keep opening up and seeing what the world can bring. I am simply changing what I personally need to receive from the part of my life that is booking escorts. A personal expectation and contribution to sex and intimacy in the moment, and less expectation around between booking contact and emotional reinforcement of friendship.

One day, I hope this whole adventure leaves me with some industry friends, close companions I met along the journey. I really hope that a few of the people I have met already are in that class of connection. For now however, I am recommitting myself to having fun and new experiences, and doing so in a manner that is respectful, sustainable and thoroughly enjoyable.

I am back from hiatus, I am back writing and I am reinvigorated for what lies ahead.

How is this all progressing?

Now a month on, and several bookings back in to my journey as a client, I am troubled by this article. Of all the articles I have written and then updated later, this is the one where I feel I was mostly talking rubbish. I was trying to tell myself that there would be changes and that I had changed. I haven’t, at least not so far, and if anything I am more troubled by my failure to disconnect ‘booking moments’ from ‘ongoing connections’ than I was before my travel break.

At the time of updating this article, some specific things are playing out. Some drama in other parts of my life, as well as some changes with escorts that I care for. Together they have left me needing the connection with these escorts more than ever. I felt this article talked a good game, but if you want to know if it is real, at least real for me, it isn’t. It was idealistic and aspirational – underneath I am a quivering mess, seriously impacted by a couple of very minor things. As the parting words of my long-term regular said, ‘maybe I’m not cut out for being a John after all’.

I am almost tempted to delete this article, but it is part of my journey as well as the others after all. It certainly shows how confused and conflicted I really am.

Please comment, re-tweet or contact me with feedback if you feel inclined, and thank you (once again in many cases) for reading my self-indulgent articles.

Xx SP 19 April 2017 (article updated 22 May 2017). 

What Went Wrong?

Escort bookings have plenty of chances to go wrong!

Escort bookings make speed-dating look simple!

The first five minutes of a first escort booking are intense by any standard. Even if there has been plenty of preliminaries – screening, communication and deposits, it is still two people meeting each other for the first time – meeting to have sex.

There is so much that can go wrong. Even if the first booking is a huge success, every subsequent encounter is still intense, and the chance of something negative happening is greater than in most other human interactions. Often one of the people is left wondering – what the hell happened, what went wrong?

The pathway to rapid intimacy – stage one.

In those first five minutes you could fill an entire novel. The client is appraising his booking for the first time in real life, and if they are a decent client, they are trying to complete all the preliminaries and make the Escort feel at ease.

I assume at the same moment, the Escort is assessing safety, payment, venue (if an outcall), as well as the same human appraisal summations as the client – all in rapid time. Adrenaline and heart rates are high, time slows, nerves show through and not everything is taken in and absorbed – at least by me. Yet despite this, I think I know how it is going to go – good or bad – within the first 30-seconds. Humans are amazing at this early assessment stuff really.

I try and handle the payment immediately, with a hotel room tour, drink offer and light chat, all within the first minute. Then I try and give the Escort some space for her booking process, counting the money, texting security and whatever else she needs in her own process of getting organised. Then I (we) try to slow the pace down to get relaxed. It is amazing when this feels in-sync and the early chat is light, funny and pleasant. That is always a good sign.

First bookings with a chatty and open client.

I am a largely open book, within reason. I try and share personal material and insights into ‘who I am’ as part of a rapid journey to personal intimacy. This has risks, and if it is not reciprocated (at least in part) when I encounter an Escort who is very closed, or ‘mechanical’, then I know we are probably not going to meet again. Even if the sex is good, as I have explained in other blog articles, I’m here for physical and mental intimacy.

For a client and escort who are both talkative, and sharing, even at a relatively safe and superficial level, the pathway to intimacy is faster than in any other meeting of two human beings (this is only my opinion of course). That is part of the appeal, part of the addiction, part of what makes this a different experience to the rest of the slower, darker, more boring regular world. It also brings a supercharged environment for things to go wrong.

The pathway to rapid intimacy – stage two.

Both the client and escort build a connection. A lot of this is based on personal experience, short-cuts and assumptions. In showing each other our ‘good-sides’ and then both building an intimate portrait of each other, neither party has really learned those long, hard, lessons of what the ‘red-flags’ are, the danger areas, the no-go zones, or where those ‘crazy’ little parts we all hide inside are lurking.

There is a minefield lurking between the unicorns and rainbows we show each other – ready to be triggered at any time. When the client’s bomb goes off, or the escort’s bomb goes off, the other one is probably going to say to themselves – what the fcuk just happened!

What traps are being set for destruction?

Is the connection too intimate or not intimate enough? Did something get said that triggered an old wound? Is the level of ‘neediness’ building a feeling of care or pity? Is the conversation connecting, repelling or too invasive? Is the physical side clumsy or cute, rough or effeminate? Are the areas being focused on erogenous or irritating? Are the aromas a turn-off or turn-on? There are just so many approaches, things, beliefs and behaviours that can build a connection or destroy it. In this fast race to intimacy, the number of traps left hidden, ready to destroy any building interpersonal connection are huge.

When a deal-breaker happens?

Whether it is one critical ‘deal-breaker’, or the build up of lots of small negatives, when either the Escort or the client decides ‘the bomb has gone off’, they are unlikely to tell the other person due to the ‘transactional’ and ‘momentary’ nature of client-escort connections. They are just going to decide that this booking is the last booking (unless it is a ‘red card’ walk-out-on-the-booking offence).

In many of these cases, the other person, client or escort, is unlikely to know any of the detail of what happened. Why, when a connection was being made (in their view) did the other person pull the pin? This is unfortunately very likely to happen in client-escort connections, because in the rapid race to intimacy, the speed of advancement skips a lot of these discussions and discoveries.

Once again, I don’t have any answers, I just want to get people thinking. If anything, my only suggestion is to be aware that this is a common thing, and also maybe consider sharing any feedback with someone you are feeling close to, or think may be feeling close to you. Rejection is hard, but unclear rejection can be worse.

Since the first version of this article, I have seen polls showing that honest criticism between clients and escorts is rare. This isn’t surprising, no one wants to hear that their ‘best representation’ in a booking has shortcomings. Often the client or escort just moves on, or more accurately away.

If your connection is something that you want to maintain, deciding if issues are worth exposing and attempting to resolve, is a hard decision. I have tried now, mentioning some issues that have arisen, on a couple of occasions. I feel bad mentioning anything, I am not sure I am entitled to do so, and I am fearful of the risks. The result is often complex, feeling like a step forward and backward at the same time. The reality of two people resolving an issue seems to diminish the fantasy of perfect escort-client relations. I still can’t say what the better approach is – honesty or fantasy?

Thank you for your readership. Your comments and feedback is greatly appreciated as is any promotion of my articles.

Xx SP 10 April 2017 (article updated 21 May 2017).

Harbour Lights

Reminiscing on a wonderful booking – another date story.

Some moments capture a relationship.

This story is another moment in time. My second article telling the story of a magical date, another perfect escort booking. In some ways this is harder to tell than ‘Degustation Dream’ and I am glad that I am committing this wonderful evening to a story now, before too much more time passes.

The fact that I have had the great fortune to see this amazing woman on many occasions, means that if not recorded now, the great experiences we have shared together may start to merge into each other. That isn’t a bad thing, it is just that I am trying to tell the story of just one of our many great encounters, not the story of how much this person means to me, and how great a collective set of experiences can be. That however may be an article for another day, one I feel that is fast approaching.

BennelongCocktails2

Lightness of being.

Sometimes you just feel good. This date started with a walk to the restaurant as the summer sun was beginning to lower in the late afternoon sky, arm in arm after my beautiful companion exited her Uber on arrival. The weather was beautiful and the harbour-side was buzzing. We each took a couple of quick photos of the view and then headed into the restaurant.

Cocktails of course! Then a quick catch-up, we were after all way past the ‘getting to know you’ stage of early bookings, now having a shared history and established conversation short-cuts. Then a wonderful meal, simple elegant dishes. Small incredible photogenic and delicious entrees, followed by amazing mains and then of course desert – with more cocktails! The meals were delicious and beautiful, the harbour view and city magnificent to behold, but the most beautiful sight was my glowing, happy companion. Impossible to take my eyes away, she was also being watched by other envious and curious restaurant guests as well – it’s hard to miss a beautiful radiant soul, especially when their smile, eyes and being are alight with happiness!

After dinner stroll.

It wasn’t a long walk to the hotel. A beautiful summer evening we took our time soaking up the balmy, perfect weather and chatted on the way back to the room. One of my favourite hotels, with similarly impressive views over the harbour as our restaurant. Some champagne, some giggles and some slow undressing with plenty of kissing while still talking and relaxing, we gradually moved into post-dinner nakedness.

My desire for this companion, now that we are well acquainted, comes from friendship, comfort, her incredible intellect and deep emotional soul and her endless joyfulness, lightheartedness and focus on adventure and fun. I try to be these things, but as you will know from my writing, I can be pensive, over think things and sometimes get caught by the negative emotions that we all encounter in life. Just thinking of my friend pulls me out of those moments, being with her is like the clouds are lifted in the emotional equivalent of a perfect summer’s day.

Having said all of that, when I see her naked in my company, it is one of the most sexually exciting and stimulating moments. In so many ways, things about this companion are now ‘happiness shortcuts’ in my life. I constantly carry around memories and triggers that bring me back to those happy moments – perhaps most of all, the ethereal lightness of being after a most amazing meal, a walk around the harbour in the company of a most perfect companion. Concluding the booking with yet another wonderful evening of brilliant and passionate sex.

After the day.

We have been to shows, events and numerous restaurants, they have all been wonderful too. Sometimes however relaxed conversation, good food and a city putting on a special evening is enough to create simple perfection. To me this companion is exactly that, the representation of a perfect summer evening.

If you read my article on ‘Friends and Lovers’, I hope and believe that this companion is also my friend. She is also occasionally a ‘ghost’ (see article), after all, who really can hold continuous joy in their heart at every moment. I have learned to let the bookings be the moment and enjoy the sporadic communication in between. This was a challenge for me for a while, but as you learn more about a person, you also learn to appreciate differences in style. This young woman has taught me a little about letting go, enjoying the moment and letting gaps be meaningful and lighthearted. I may be learning to appreciate the step-in and step-out strengths and meaningful highs of a ghost-like connection. I am also learning to have fun and enjoy the adventure.

As I said in my last ‘perfect date story’, I hope you enjoyed hearing about this booking and even more so, I hope you have had similarly powerful and pleasant experiences all of your own.

Thank you for your readership. Feel free to comment here, share and give me feedback on Twitter. I hope that my perfect date story reminds you of some of your own.

Xx SP 3 April 2017 (article updated 19 May 2017).