Hiatus Perspective

Traveling in April was a well needed chance for a review.

Making a personal reassessment.

When I first drafted this article, I had not seen an escort for more than four-weeks. I know that doesn’t sound like much of a break, but it was the longest hiatus for me since I started upon this adventure. Instead, as some of you know, I went traveling and I took the opportunity to do some thinking.

I tried to think about my future. What did I need to do to be better, be aligned with my real self, get more enjoyment out of life, and be a good person to be around for myself and for others. So here is a little insight into that thinking and how it has been progressing since the first release of this article.

HarbourCocktail

Some of the triggers for making change.

One of the triggers for ‘reassessment’ I had already hinted at in this blog in the piece on Relationship Breakdowns. It was an ending with an escort that I liked very much, a person that I had been seeing regularly since almost the beginning of my client journey.  The last part of the last message that I received from her was as follows …

“… there is much I like about you but what I like most about you is your money. If this hurts you remember that I am a sex worker, I do this because I like money and this is how we met. And if this hurts you then maybe you aren’t cut out for being a john after all.

Either way, there’s no going back from this. I think it’s time to accept that our relationship has come to its natural end.”

This very painful conclusion to what I thought was a great connection has been on my mind, and to be honest, is still on my mind. The more confronting parts of this exchange, combined with other personal issues and some other recent negative experiences with escorts made me look at my travel break as a badly needed chance to get some space, think about recent events and return with a plan.

The beginnings of a plan.

I have been needing more from my Escort interactions than it is fair to expect. From the lonely and unfulfilled position that I was in when I started this adventure, I needed physical and sexual fulfillment, and I also needed more interpersonal connection and deep personal intimacy. I put these two things together into the same sought outcome. In some way, I thought that regular and extended (mainly dinner) bookings with escorts might address both groups of needs – especially with escorts where I felt a strong connection. Maybe in some rare cases they can be combined, but for the most part this is asking too much on the relationship, too much from an escort. I have been coming to the party with the wrong expectations. So what does this mean for me?

Friendships with escorts.

In my real-life (I would rather say public life, as it is no more real to me), I deal with clients and offer a personal service. I consider many of my clients as friends. They however don’t know if I am a ‘real friend’ to them, or just a ‘friend for business’, until the client relationship is over – money in any walk-of-life gets in the way of knowing this for sure.

I am in the reverse position in the client-escort world. I hope that friendship has developed in some cases of strong and sustained connection, but I can’t know that it actually exists until the business is over, an emotion and topic that I started to explore in my Friends and Lovers blog. So now, after having been hurt on more than a few occasions, I am going to try and just focus on the ‘business at hand’, and let the friendships, if there are any, sort themselves out over the fullness of time. I am going to be a little more of the ‘ghost’ persona that I described in the blog article and respond to escort communications rather than seek to initiate them.

Since drafting this originally, I do however have to admit that is a work in progress. If anything, I have been in exactly the same position. I am unclear as to whether I can separate bookings from the gaps in between them as much as I had hoped.

Changing my booking behaviour.

None of this means a change in who I am. I can’t help but try to be a gentleman. I feel that regardless of the transactional nature of this business, a client should always try to be charming, good company, as good as they can be at sex, well mannered, clean, respectful, courteous, generous, interested in their partner and play their part in making the experience as rewarding and memorable as possible.

In some ways, this is the same set of behaviours for building friendships, but from now on, I am going to consider it as building a good client-escort connection, and not assume that it is also building a friendship outside of that business relationship. That actually means at least two significant changes for me as this year progresses.

A new adventure.

Part of my booking ‘decision making’ was built around friendship and a sense of related obligation. No escort has any obligation to me and I need to reduce the sense of obligation that I feel toward them. If called upon to be a friend, then I will of course be there, but I no longer feel that it is an obligation to make bookings in the belief that I am helping a friend. I will make bookings on where I believe I will get the most enjoyment in the same way I expect that escorts will take bookings from where they achieve the greatest level of their own goal and need fulfillment.

I will look to the best fulfillment of my physical, sexual, intimacy and enjoyment needs. This will certainly center around escorts I have come to know and feel enjoyment with, but I am aiming to remove any guilt, pity, obligation and any other negative considerations from the way I make decisions about who I ask to see.

Other changes.

I will also be making other changes in my life. I am going to travel more, for its own sake, to learn about new places and meet new people. I am going to get therapy to deal with some of my ‘need to be liked’, to be a friend and gain fulfillment from other life choices in the areas where seeing escorts is not the best pathway. I am going to have fun and I am going to be fun to be around for others in my life, inside and outside of my sex-industry encounters.

I am going to continue to see escorts (and write about it here, in the same generalist and discrete way). Some regulars I am keen to see as soon as possible. I have missed them enormously while I have been away. I may however change from primarily ‘dinner dates’ and look at other booking durations and formats as well. I am undecided on what this means in practice just at the moment, but I am going to try other experiences – more interesting bookings, even if that means less of them in total.

Communication changes.

I am also going to change the way that I communicate. In my work, when a client contacts me, I am responsive to their business needs. Sometimes I send clients that I am less interested in ‘signals’ when I don’t really want their work, or I am too busy to take on any more – this signal is often non-contact or non-response.

In assuming that escorts might be friends, I try to ignore signals that they are too busy, not really interested in seeing me as a client, and I accept a level of delay and need for me to re-contact that I wouldn’t expect in a transactional relationship. I may, as a result, have been guilty of ‘bothering’ well mannered but apparently uninterested escorts into bookings because I put their disinterest down to friendly forgetfulness. Trying to ignore signals that perhaps my business wasn’t wanted.

I’m not going to be that guy anymore – I’ll ask once and assume that non-responsiveness is the real answer. Part of my issue with at least two of my escort relationship ‘break-downs’ was expecting communication and then asking why I wasn’t getting any response.

Exploring my own sexuality.

I am also ready for some other experiences beyond ‘dinner date’ girlfriend (GFE) experiences. I think that in dropping some of my need to ‘build a friendship’, I can experience some bookings that are just more primal and more intensely focused on the sex or other aspects of the experience. I guess I am looking at practitioners in other areas of sex-work to see where my interests start and stop.

As a person with a largely ‘vanilla’ experience of sex, I have a lot to learn, and parts of me to awaken that I don’t even know what they are – they have been dormant for a very long time. This isn’t just for sex, I am opening myself up to other experiences in my life as well.

In my more regular bookings, I believe I will look for some chances to experience other things with trusted regular companions, travel, extended dates, sharing other experiences together, and opportunities for me to have new experiences, fun and enjoyment before time passes and those chances are lost. Hopefully constructing these experiences in a way that is new for my companion as well.

Avoiding being hardened by hurt.

The biggest realization from this hiatus is that I will not be hardened by hurt. I have not been hardened before in my life and I will not be now. To some people this makes me soft and easy to take advantage of. I reinforce my life-long view, that being ‘soft’ and sustaining hurt is far better than being ‘hard’ and immune to emotion. I will keep opening up and seeing what the world can bring. I am simply changing what I personally need to receive from the part of my life that is booking escorts. A personal expectation and contribution to sex and intimacy in the moment, and less expectation around between booking contact and emotional reinforcement of friendship.

One day, I hope this whole adventure leaves me with some industry friends, close companions I met along the journey. I really hope that a few of the people I have met already are in that class of connection. For now however, I am recommitting myself to having fun and new experiences, and doing so in a manner that is respectful, sustainable and thoroughly enjoyable.

I am back from hiatus, I am back writing and I am reinvigorated for what lies ahead.

How is this all progressing?

Now a month on, and several bookings back in to my journey as a client, I am troubled by this article. Of all the articles I have written and then updated later, this is the one where I feel I was mostly talking rubbish. I was trying to tell myself that there would be changes and that I had changed. I haven’t, at least not so far, and if anything I am more troubled by my failure to disconnect ‘booking moments’ from ‘ongoing connections’ than I was before my travel break.

At the time of updating this article, some specific things are playing out. Some drama in other parts of my life, as well as some changes with escorts that I care for. Together they have left me needing the connection with these escorts more than ever. I felt this article talked a good game, but if you want to know if it is real, at least real for me, it isn’t. It was idealistic and aspirational – underneath I am a quivering mess, seriously impacted by a couple of very minor things. As the parting words of my long-term regular said, ‘maybe I’m not cut out for being a John after all’.

I am almost tempted to delete this article, but it is part of my journey as well as the others after all. It certainly shows how confused and conflicted I really am.

Please comment, re-tweet or contact me with feedback if you feel inclined, and thank you (once again in many cases) for reading my self-indulgent articles.

Xx SP 19 April 2017 (article updated 22 May 2017). 

 

8 thoughts on “Hiatus Perspective”

  1. What I find interesting Percy is that there is a general clamour for SWs to be considered in the same vein as any other professional. Yet in every other profession investing a proportion of time in relationship building is an expense borne by the provider. Why should this be different? Why should loyal, regular clients feel guilty about expecting a modicum of commumication between bookings to demonstrate the value they place on the client? There is no professional service line of business that I am aware of where there is an expectation that practically every second of contact time is a billable second.
    I’m sad that you have come to the conclusion you have (apart from the trying new experiences and continuing to grow) as it demonstrates to me regular clients are being valued on a per transaction basis not a “lifetime value” basis. Even over 4-5 years the amount spent on a single escort for a frequent user of dinner date type bookings can amount to a deposit on an apartment. A little pro-active relationship building and timely response to messages/emails doesn’t seem to be much to ask in return

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Percie, your decision to re-think about what it means to be a client, and to stop forming these unhealthy attachments due to a misinterpretation of the SW-client relationship is only a positive thing. Although you do still finish by saying you hope your adventures will leave you with industry friends. To the extent you’re referring here to SW friends, I think again you are still leaving room to be hurt again except where you re-characterise this as making ‘acquaintances’, i.e. people that have fond memories of you, but aren’t interested in engaging with you once your journey or their journey comes to an end. It is very apparent that you are the type to overthink things and seek validation from the reactions of others. Even this blogging is just another form of that, for better or worse. I think you just need to manage that is all.

      MaxMelb makes some fair points, but while other professional services businesses may not have an expectation that every second of contact time is a billable second, neither do SWs. If you consider a SW’s services to be the actual booking, you’ll see that there’s plenty of pre-service engagement that goes on in setting that up. We don’t expect our lawyers, accountants, or doctors to email or DM us occasionally to see how we’re going between our uses of their services, even if a ‘modicum of communication’ between bookings might demonstrate the value they place on our business. This gets to the misconception Percie had, and perhaps still has to some extent: you look at the client-SW relationship for more than it is, you see the business relationship but then get it tangled up with the concept of friendship or love (further than just being pleasant acquaintances), or wanting to perhaps be that one client that they see as more than a client. It seems too common that people state that they see the relationship for what it is, but deep down think maybe it’s not true for them.

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  2. I agree with Max. Some friendly communication even when there isn’t another date booked, is hardly a burden! I am not talking about gentlemen that write tomes and expect the same by reply. That’s unreasonable….but some friendly banter after a booking just adds to the experience and escort / patron relationship, as far as I am concerned.

    Percy – if you are after fetish / kink, you know where I am! 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As always I love your honesty and vulnerability. All interactions are relationships in some form but the level of compatibility will always determine the level of intimacy.
    I have some clients I’m very close to and some where it’s just a business transaction. Both make me happy. It just evolves as it does.

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  4. I have to agree with Max. Loyalty means a lot to me and in every business I run (2 at the moment), regular loyal clients are my bread and butter. Retaining their business means everything to me. In my escort business, I have a large regular client base because I apply the same customer service principals that I have used in every career path & currently in my IT business.
    That snippet of was so harsh in my opinion, it assume that you’ve mentioned some feelings or attachment hence her reply but so blunt & sad. I’ve had a similar situation on numerous occasions but was able to let them down gently without scaring their ego & still retain them as regular clients.
    There are many who see it as black and white but for me I care about the people I’m intimate with, I want the best for them. Even in my personal life I’ve been able to maintain great friendships with lots of my lovers & ex-boyfriends. I guess maybe you’re not picking or seeing what’s genuine and what’s not. I find watching how people are with others is a good indication of character.
    In response to how long you should wait for a response, well it depends on how you are approaching her. I think 24hrs wait for email is sufficient but if you get a response days later with a good reason for the delay then that’s fine too, but you are the client and you decide for yourself what you will accept or not.
    I’m really happy for you that you are now wanting to try new things and experiences, not just in sexuality but in life. Life is way too short. I try everything, if I like them then I will do it again & if I don’t then I won’t. There’s so many flavours between vanilla and chocolate so explore and live. It just might be exactly what you need, to quote the stones. 😀
    It takes a brave person to look at themselves to how they can change or do things differently instead of blaming others. I find very few men do it instead re-live the same patterns & Life lessons over and over, so good for you.
    Enjoy your journey.
    KB xx

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  5. Wow, I simply cannot believe the similarity of experience and thought process we share. I too have traveled the exact same path as you describe it, with just one difference; I have yet to give upon the “making friends” out of the escorts I meet and subsequently frequent. Not all of them, but just one or two with whom I THOUGHT I felt an actual connection.

    It is a painful way to traverse their world, and be assured it is THEIR world we travel through, but I am still trying to fill a void in my life in this way. Probably the worst way possible; trying to buy something which for whatever reason I cannot seem to find otherwise.

    I too have received emails from long time “friend” escorts, even ones who have tacitly agreed to share some correspondence with me that wasn’t totally targeted to the next appointment. But what I have found is that was only because they had come to depend on me as a regular. It was still “just a job.” The email I received similar to yours is stated that she “never promised you anything more, I never alluded to being anything other than what I was. Yes, we had fun, but I NEVER thought of you as anything other than a client.”

    I’m not afraid to admit it, that hurt, a LOT!

    I have also been told things like “you’re more trouble than you’re worth”, in the vein that my communication needs between meetings were more than she was willing to give, and “you are a really nice guy, you really are, too nice in fact for this business, I just don’t think this is good for you. You weren’t cut out to be a hobbiest.” At this point probably the truest words spoken out of one of their mouths to date.

    I think my problem comes in meeting with escorts who seem like really “normal” people and forgetting what and who they really are and how this job, regardless of their original needs or intent in getting into it, actually impacts them, the way they look at life, men in general and sex and romance in particular.

    Ahhhh, there lies the rub. I am not a WBTYM type of guy. Like you, I had to have some sort of connection, some semblance of reality tied into a person of interest BEFORE I could have sex with them. Thus, the dinner date too was my appointment of choice, and I enjoyed them, very much. Good conversation, good food, a chance to take someone out to a nice place with good ambience, a nice leisurely walk back to the hotel, some wine and music, and then, well, you know!

    But it didn’t feel like I was simply paying for sex, and in the end, that is really ALL we were paying for. Yes, yes, I know all the tripe about “you’re not paying for sex, you’re paying for my time only.” That’s like saying foreign governments weren’t paying Hillary Clinton for Governmental influence but hundreds of thousands of dollars for a 30 minute speech because she was so interesting!!!!

    Like I believe I’ve stated before, I have yet to meet ONE single woman who got into this for any reason other than money, and that is the ONLY thing that drives them and I’m afraid my mind just cannot compartmentalize as well as they can after sharing what I believe is STILL, even in these situations, the most intimate of human acts. It’s hard for me to believe in the middle of one of these dates where we seem to hit it off so well that it is all an act at one level or another, but in reality, it is just that. We are paying them to ACT like a real girlfriend (thus the GFE) and most of them have become SO damned good at it that for us it is all too easy to believe and to fall into the trap and to spend all this money perhaps hoping we at some point really COULD have one of these lDies as a “friend.”

    For you and I, that belief was strong. For you, it seems you have wised up; for me, I continue to hope, and struggle, and be disappointed. And maybe for me, THAT has become part of the game. Maybe my game is to try to turn one of these women my way, which isn’t fair and is probably tantamount to trying to turn someone “not gay.”

    It is such a lonely and hard life for those like you and I. This is certainly not a place we should have ever trod, but now here we are, trapped in a way, which is also why this is the world’s oldest profession.

    I’m glad at least that you are willing to put yourself out there on this blog. I don’t feel so lonely anymore from that perspective…….thank you for that.

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    1. It is interesting to me that you consider sex the “most intimate of human acts”.

      What about creating and raising a child together? What about cooking food for someone, literally making something to be part of their body? Brain surgery? Confession to a priest? Sleeping side by side? Running a company jointly? Working together to increase the bounds of scientific knowledge? Comrades in war, dying in their buddy’s arms? Birth? Deathbed last words? Comforting the injured?

      I mean sex is grand, let’s be honest. And maybe it’s the most intimate thing TO YOU, but that’s your kink. Human preferences aren’t universal.

      also, re: “have yet to meet ONE single woman who got into this for any reason other than money, and that is the ONLY thing that drives them”

      I’ve yet to meet ONE single man who got into this for any reason other than sex&intimacy, and that is the ONLY thing that drives them.

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