Escort Rejection

Getting rejected by an escort – some thoughts.

No One Likes to be Rejected!

It can be hard to put yourself ‘out-there’ in any aspect of life. Asking for a date, even if it is an escort booking, is still a moment of possible rejection. Of course, that is nothing compared to being rejected after you have met someone, or later still, after you think that person has grown to know you. This article is an exploration of escort and client rejection.

Clients may make more gradual and subtle decisions about which escort(s) they would like to see, who they would like to see again, and who they simply don’t re-book. Most of the time, these decisions ‘hang out there in space’, a possible future booking, the potential for other outcomes, invisible and ‘open-ended’ decisions. In contrast, escorts control most of the ‘in-the-moment’ rejections. The ‘hard-stop’ end-points, where the end of the road isn’t a subtle thing at all. So let’s take a tour of some of these moments of potential straight-up rejection.

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When Does Rejection Happen?

Of course the answer is anytime at all. However for the purpose of exploring this topic, lets take a look at some interesting, common and less common, moments of cessation. Why rejection happens and what, if anything, can be done, or learned, from these moments. I am going to take a quick look at, social-media rejection, booking request rejection, booking cancellation, commencement of booking, during booking, after the first booking, after later bookings, black-listing, and other end-of-the road moments.

I think nine different points of rejection is enough for now. I have experienced more of these than I would have liked, you will have to guess which ones. On second thoughts, please don’t, although a little of my own experience is going to be pretty obvious within this article.

Social-Media Rejections.

This might be the ‘odd-one-out’ as far as escort rejection goes, as it can happen at anytime and clearly doesn’t generally happen to clients without a social media presence. There aren’t too many client bloggers around, so part of this section is extremely limited. It may not surprise you, that I get escorts sending me messages that they won’t except a booking from me because of this blog, it does however still surprise me. On the rare occasion that a message like this comes from someone I have met, it is a very painful rejection. On the other hand, the slightly more frequent ones from escorts I have not met are somewhat bizarre.

I guess it is a form of protest against this blog. Otherwise why would an escort, that I have never met or approached with a booking enquiry, send a specific private message asking me to never request a booking in future? I don’t know if prospective clients send escorts messages to say that they never intend to book them, but I guess that can happen too. Well I suppose I could congratulate them on their pro-activeness, letting me know in advance that I am not a welcome client – I guess I could call that ‘reverse hustling’. This is a strange example of a ‘hard-stop’ end-point, because exactly as intended, once I have been rejected, then that is the ‘end-of-the-line’. Strangely in this case, even before I knew that there was a ‘start-of-the-line’.

It does make me wonder whether any client should be on social media at all? What are the benefits? Some engagement, some help with selections and enquiries, entertainment, supporting favored escorts, information, celebration, other contact and emotional outcomes perhaps. What are the costs? Disdain and even hatred and attack, being classed as pathetically needy, time-wasters, white-nights, fanboys, slobbyists, and losers. I don’t see many (if any) social media active clients being embraced as useful, beneficial, gentlemen, or for that matter in the class of quality clients that generally happens in other service industries in relation to supportive customers. I do see another reason for rejection. It is not surprising that smarter clients than me stay away from expressing opinion, feelings and observations – in fact staying away from any online or social media publishing at all. The public voice of clients seems to be a pathway to rejection far more frequently than it is a pathway to selection, or even acceptance and appreciation.

So let’s move on to other points of rejection. This first one is easy, if you don’t want to ever be rejected in the ‘court of social media’, then don’t be active in social media as a client – and if you are, be a reader not a publisher. I personally have an issue with this whole silent client dynamic, but you can be smart, clearly I am just doomed to more of those “please don’t ever ask me for a booking” messages from out of the blue. Of course the word ‘please’ never appears in these communications and no response is sought, as the message is usually accompanied with a simultaneous Twitter blocking.

Booking Request Rejections.

This is a whole ‘rabbit warren’ of a topic all by itself, worthy of further exploration another day. There are even sub-categories here: failing screening, being a jerk, poor timing, filtering by ignoring, collateral damage, too little information, too much information, and even ‘Force Majeure’ (bad luck or an act of God).

Let’s fly through them. If you aren’t really seeking a booking, you are annoying, time-wasting, getting your thrills, a 14-year-old pest, a criminal, or any other ‘non-client’, then you aren’t actually being rejected, you shouldn’t be here in the first place. If you are being a jerk, overly entitled, rude or a creep, then you deserve to be rejected – sort your shit out and come back as a nice person. If you are not a quality client, then you don’t deserve a booking with any escort – end of story.

The rest of this territory is about luck, matched expectations, timing and still more luck. There are plenty of articles on how to request a booking on Scarlet Blue and other industry websites. Most escorts put details on their preferred contact methods and other insights on their profiles or web pages and some even have online forms to make it ‘fool-proof’ for clients. I am not going down that road, other than to say: Find the instructions and follow them as closely as you can. That is the most likely way of avoiding rejection in your request to see the escort that you wish to meet.

Even if you have done everything right, rejection can still occur – from soft rejection such as ‘non-availability for that time, tour, place or booking type’, to laissez faire rejection where requests are just ignored, to hitting a bad time, a bad mood, or just being the next in line after a bad run of time-wasters. My suggestion is try again on the ‘soft rejections’ unless it becomes clear that the answer will permanently be a ‘sorry I’m not available’ soft rejection. Some rejections are just ‘no response’ – the reply never comes. Some escorts don’t respond at all when they are busy, fully-booked or away – does the industry loose any of these clients for good if they are new to the experience and it is their first request? Who knows. If your request was reasonable, well mannered and in every other way proper, and it was rejected harshly with a ‘hard-ending’, ‘don’t make contact again’ type of response, then look somewhere else. Either you dodged a bullet, may not be compatible, or it was just bad luck or bad timing.

I had one very aggressive rejection early in my journey, despite following the process and being very careful with my request. That escort and I have conversed on social media since, but I have never requested a booking from her in the many, many months since that response. Hard rejections are exactly that, hard, and although she seems like a wonderful escort, I have no intention of being rejected by her again. Maybe she dodged a bullet, maybe I did, or maybe she has missed out on a good client and I have missed out on great experiences – who knows!

Quality clients will generally respect the instructions of an escort, as they should. If those instructions include “don’t contact me again”, then that is what should happen. It might be worth reconsidering by all of us, how these hard rejections are given and who they are used with. Also whether sharing them on social media channels is good marketing to other quality clients or not. I have seen other ‘rejections’ play out online and thought – ‘well I’m not going there’, especially when it just seemed like a ‘bad day’ or worse, an escort joining in on a ‘client-hating’ thread. The social media rejection landscape works for (and against) everyone. I’m not the only person being rejected due to online perceptions.

Booking Cancellations.

Cancellations happen all the time. If you are a client and you get unreasonably upset with a cancellation, then you are a jerk, and not surprisingly the escort will feel they have dodged a bullet. If you act badly enough, not surprisingly they will probably share that information and you may find yourself ‘black-listed’ and rejected by other escorts as well. Take cancellations with good grace. Obviously if the escort is reluctant to re-schedule, credit any deposit against a future booking, or it is clear that the ‘cancellation’ is actually a permanent rejection, then perhaps another conversation may need to occur. There are necessary  ‘postponements’ and then there are ‘hard-ending cancellations’, they are not the same thing.

I have cancelled two bookings in two years, one due to illness and the other one due to another unavoidable issue, both with plenty of notice. I rescheduled the first and paid a cancellation fee for the second. In the same period of time, I have had twelve escort cancellations, three on the same day, and one of them half-an-hour into the out-call booking time – while sitting alone in the restaurant. I have never reacted badly, there will be more bookings after all, and for the most part the reasons were unavoidable and reasonable. As a client exercise good grace, be a Gentleman, that is better for you as a client and it is also usually rewarded by the escorts in question. Plus it is the right thing to do.

The only times I have been actually upset, and even then only slightly, was the ‘into-the-booking’ cancellation, and an interstate booking where I had gone to a lot (and I mean a lot) of expense and effort for a long booking, and when it appeared the reason for the cancellation was a fabrication. No one likes being made to look like a fool. Sitting in a restaurant with drinks waiting, having to cancel all sorts of plans and fly out early, these are shitty experiences, but I felt much better having taken them on the chin and moving on with the next booking. So many wonderful moments, a couple of missteps and the occasional cancellations along the way is nothing at all. Unless the cancellation is the rejection, a ‘permanent rejection’, then don’t behave in a way that makes it a permanent rejection or a story of caution for other escorts to be wary of you.

Commencement of Booking Rejections.

This is a nasty one for escorts and clients alike. No one wants to be ‘seen in the flesh’ and walked out on! This is ultimately a rejection of ‘physicality’, probably the only worse rejection is a rejection of ‘personality’. I am not talking about failing a sexual health or cleanliness examination, refusing a shower, payment issues, security concerns, or not honoring the client-escort transaction, safety, or something equality malicious or stupid. If that is the cause of a ‘walk-out’ on you, then it is entirely your fault, and you most likely deserve to be black-listed, reported or otherwise dealt with. Bad surprises, dangerous behaviour, lack of self-respect and cleanliness, fraud, deception, violence, rudeness, drunkenness and poor manners are all damn good reasons for a ‘red-card’ walk-off.

I have never had an escort walk-off. I have also never walked-off on an escort. To do this to someone, without a major issue like those discussed above, is a pretty low act. It is certainly a ‘slap-in-the-face’ to the other party, whether escort or client. Unfortunately I have heard it happen for very stupid and superficial reasons. If your reason is ‘your photos aren’t 100% accurate’, ‘you’re smaller than I expected’ or some equally ridiculous reason, then you are exhibiting poor behaviour, and although it may not feel like it at the time, it is the other person (often the escort) who has dodged a bullet. I haven’t heard of many escort walk-outs that weren’t without great reasons, I wish the same could be said for all clients.

During the Booking Rejections.

You can probably take most of the points from above as they relate to any bad, unethical, disrespectful or criminal behaviours. If you try to remove a condom or otherwise engage in unsafe or non-consensual acts, then you are at best a jerk, and most likely committing rape or some other crime act. The escort should leave immediately, take your money, report you and if the local laws allow have you arrested – these are ‘red-card’ walk out and go ballistic incidents. When I started as a client, I innocently assumed these things almost never occurred. The sad reality is that almost every long-standing escort has some of these sorts of horror stories. What bad things can, and sometimes do, happen to clients are nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the risks and incidents that happen to escorts. Any indication of anything like this, or even a bad feeling, should be enough for a walk-out and if appropriate a permanent rejection of the client.

There are other, less dramatic reasons for an early ending. By mutual agreement, due to unforeseen circumstances, or due to extreme incompatibility. Most of the time, the duration of the booking should be honoured, although maybe not in extremely lengthy bookings if the comfort level is extremely low. Conversations that lead to discomfort, drugs, religion, sexism, racism, world views, bad language and so on, should in my opinion be addressed rather than a walk-out. Both the escort and client should be able to say when and if they are uncomfortable with something. If the other party refuses to return the booking to what should be a positive and comfortable experience, respecting the person they are with, then I believe that quickly becomes a deal breaker. I have never experienced this, so I can’t know exactly how I would feel, but I would expect to be ‘warned’ before a booking is brought to an early close (with the exception of the red-card offenses mentioned before).

Second and Future Booking Rejections.

So now we are talking about people who have already met and know each other at least a little. There are a lot of ‘first bookings’ that remain the ‘only booking’. That is just the nature of the industry. Not having a second booking isn’t rejection. It may still happen in the future, it may have been a single moment and there may be many other reasons – something I explored a little in ‘Single Booking Sadness’.

There are times however where it is rejection. If a client writes a bad review of an escort, that is rejection, and in my opinion a nasty one as it is encouraging others to reject the escort as well. If an escort similarly tells others they disliked a client or black-lists them without sufficient cause, then they are also rejecting a client and encouraging others to do the same as well. This isn’t an epidemic by any means, but it is happening more than it should, by both clients and escorts and is not a good dynamic for the industry.

Then there is the decision just not to go back again. For the most part, if a client makes this decision, it is an invisible decision. There is a big shift here, that comes from the industry dynamic. For when it is an escorts decision, it may be another ‘hard-ending’ moment. For an escort, when a client makes that request for a follow-up booking, there are only so many ways to handle it: Ignore, Defer or Reject! Some clients will stop asking if they are ignored or keep being told they need to wait. The reject, although a harder and harsher message, may ultimately be the cleanest – depending upon the risks of the situation of course.

I have personally read some ‘lack of response’, and deferral messages, as an escort politely telling me they would prefer not to take any more bookings. Maybe I am wrong on a couple of counts, but I would rather avoid a hard-rejection if I were to push the issue. I would also prefer to focus on re-booking escorts who seem to have a genuine interest in seeing me again. This may lead to both ‘false-positives’ and ‘false-negatives’ in the sensitivity to ‘between booking’ communication, but it is an environment where ‘how we feel’ is important – it is a ‘feeling based fantasy’ after all.

Some escorts may have lost a ‘post-booking’ message in the flood of communications or due to technology’s imperfections, or simply not been able to respond. Others may have been too busy. Some may have a personal policy of not messaging clients. How these mistakes, behaviors and differences in approach affect client re-booking would make an interesting study. For me, as a communicator, maintaining some connection is an important factor, otherwise it is very easy to imagine that an escort would prefer I don’t make contact with her again, and lean towards others that I am in touch with.

Long-Standing Relationship Rejections.

Eventually, if you are a lucky client, a few bookings become many bookings. A ‘regular’ client-escort relationship has developed. In this environment, accidental or confused rejection is probably less likely. Rejection is real rejection, it is highly emotional and it is deliberate and for real reasons. I wish I could say I haven’t been down this road, but I have. The reality is that all client-escort connections will end. They will end due to the retirement of either party, maybe occasionally they end if the relationship moves beyond client-escort into some other type of ‘real-world’ relationship, or they end because one party doesn’t want to continue with the connection any longer.

Retirement isn’t rejection. Change in status isn’t rejection. A still active escort, or a still active client, calling an end to any further connection is a rejection and by this stage, it isn’t an ‘industry dynamic’, it is a personal one. This is territory where there isn’t a road map, as each situation will have its own unique sensitivities – with one exception. If an escort calls a ‘regular arrangement’ to an end, the client really has to take it as a ‘hard-end’, no communication, no follow-up, as without the prospect of another booking, any further contact is stalking and morally wrong. The irony is that this doesn’t necessarily apply in reverse, it is generally considered acceptable for an escort, where a client has called an end to a regular connection, to keep dialogue with a client who is still known to be active, in attempts to re-boot the connection. That is less likely to be considered stalking or morally wrong. Some strange things happen in this set of circumstances. The best solution seems to be – if either party calls an end – everyone should move on, as painful as that may be.

Black Listing and Other End Points.

All I have to say on ‘black listing’ or even ‘bad mouthing’, is consider it carefully. If you are doing it because you are hurt, then your motivation is the wrong one. Unless you are actually helping other people, rather than hurting the person you are attacking, then this is an inappropriate ‘hard-ending’. Of course if you are protecting other people that is a completely different story – blacklists and sharing of information in these cases is necessary given the many risks only hinted at in this article.

There are other endings. Disappearing is a concerning one, but happens from time to time – hopefully for personal benefit not as a result of falling victim to harm. There are also shifting needs, financial changes and a host of other reasons for a change in circumstances and ending contact. If handled honestly, these don’t need to feel like rejection, they can be explained reasons for discontinuing, rather than potentially leading to confusion and emotional harm.

This is an industry of first meetings, an industry of moments, an industry of secrets, an industry of experiences, and an industry of endings and rejections. Actually there are more rejections than acceptances, as the filtering process is at play all along the pathway. From enquiries and screening, to the ending of every connection that starts. If you play here, and it is a great and wonderful place to play, then you had better get used to rejection as part of the territory.

Thank you for your readership. I hope that I haven’t painted a negative picture, as all along this journey are the great experiences that come from taking a chance and asking to meet someone and spend time with someone. Loss just provides a contrast – bookends to great memories. I look forward to feedback, comments and views on this very big topic. Thank you!

Xx SP 24 June 2017.

Learning Experiences

Seeing escorts has some surprise benefits and great lessons.

Some of the Extra Benefits of Meeting Escorts!

Something I didn’t appreciate when I started seeing escorts, was how much I would learn! I’m not just talking about sex or the industry, I’m talking about music, philosophy, pop-culture, the arts, food, travel, marketing, broader opinion and a whole host of other surprise benefits.

I have spent a significant amount of time on this blog talking about what I have learned and experienced emotionally – maybe too much time. That is part of my personal journey and no doubt a big driver for many clients. It is however surprising how much else I have learned and experienced – much of it totally unexpected.

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A Journey of Elucidation!

So let’s start with some of the easy lessons! I have learned that I like quality French Champagne and a host of other food and drink items that I had never tried until in the company of independent escorts. Some of these are expensive tastes, and maybe that is part of the lesson too. I have grown to appreciate spoiling myself and others around me to enjoy and fully experience a moment in time – make it memorable and make it special.

I like trying new cocktails, despite the entertainment value that activity gives certain others to laugh at my apparently more ‘feminine’ drinking behaviours. I think I may even ‘play up’ to that ‘dinner date reputation’. It is great fun trying new restaurants, new food and new drinks with entertaining, experienced professional company. I have discovered that I love Ruinart Rose Champagne, Perrier Jouet Belle Epoque Champagne, Dom Perignon and other fine champagne marques – especially in the company of escorts who enjoy the same wonderful drinks.

In fact I have also discovered, as someone previously limited to red wine, whisky, gin and occasionally beer that I also like Clare Valley and European Rieslings and some other white wines, good saki and a host of weird and wonderful spirits and global drinks. Especially when I am sharing the experience with someone who loves the drink or food that we are trying together. As a previously typical Australian male ‘red meat eater’, I have grown to like seafood far more and even enjoyed vegetarian and vegan meals in great restaurants – although I have no intention of becoming vegetarian myself.

Broader Tastes and Opinions.

It isn’t just food and drink, although you can see that they ‘loom large’ on my personal radar. I have also heavily sampled the musical tastes of the escorts that I have met. People in my ‘real life’ wonder why I have such a varied musical collection now, that includes what I was listening too before meeting escorts, but now with so many more artists. Disturbed, Lana Del Rey, Halsey, Hozier, Tom Waits, The Civil Wars, Dean Lewis, Desi Valentine, Selena Gomez, Perfume Genius, The Lonely Island, and even, god forbid, Kanye West have all been added to my music playlists thanks to experiences with escorts. Of course when these songs play, they also bring back so many emotionally charged memories.

I have watched ballet with an amazing escort who learned dance herself, experiencing the performance in a new way as I observed how she interacted with the experience. Theater, comedy, concerts, movies and wandering the cities of Australia with companions that helped me see these things through different eyes. New experiences, new perspectives and new opinions, that have enriched my life. I feel that I have started exploring the world once again as a ‘younger man’, rather than settling into the same old stale pathways that many of my real-life colleagues are stuck within.

The Effects of Intimate Conversations.

I am a talker, that should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog. I generally have longer bookings with companions who talk too. Those I have seen repeatedly and then regularly have shared with me their opinions, their values, their beliefs, perspectives and philosophies. I have been enriched by these so much, I couldn’t even begin to describe the detail here. I have heard and experienced more spiritual views, travel stories, survival stories, cultural backgrounds, career stories and of course sex-work industry and escort and client origin stories. I have changed my views, opinions and beliefs about so many things, that I doubt I would fully recognise the ‘middle-aged’ man that I was at the start of this journey. I simply do not see the world the same way anymore.

Of course in experiencing so many views, and they are not at all the same. Escorts may have many things in common with each other, how they see the world away from escorting is not one of them, their individual views and experiences are totally diverse and incredibly broad. So another result, is that I appreciate a multitude of viewpoints on quite polarizing topics. I think that is why the rush to ‘one-view’ on social media and the ‘this is how it should be’ conversations surprise me, because in one-on-one conversations, the views, opinions and beliefs couldn’t be more divergent. I love that I now don’t have a singular view on many topics, I see myself on a journey of discovery in so many ways, holding disparate perspectives and wondering which one I might ultimately end up holding and believing. Maybe I will always hold divergent and conflicting views on a number of issues, because I can now see different but still often individually valid perspectives.

Sexual Experiences.

I am still so early on this road. In fact with each passing experience, I think I feel that the road is even longer and that I am even more of a beginner. I am astounded at how little most people know about their own sexuality and overall, how this area itself is perhaps one of the least progressed explorations in all human discussion. We are still in some crazy sexual dark age, where the bulk of the world doesn’t talk, doesn’t explore and doesn’t question their own desires and pathways to sexual fulfillment and enlightenment.

I guess for me, one of the first lessons to this being an individual pathway, is how different every escort is. It is hard to learn ‘what to do’ sexually, as everyone is so different. So there may be plenty of ‘what NOT to do’ lessons to be had, but sensitivities, desires, preferences, physical responses and every other erotic and emotional state is represented. It is difficult to ask straight up, ‘what turns you on?’, but it is something that compatibility, time together and openness to discovery help open up and reward within developing intimate connections. Another interesting thing for me, is that I have discovered I like, and get aroused by, so many different things, scenarios and situations and I’m discovering more all the time. I’ll leave this bit for other articles, but the take-away is that this is a longer, more progressive and changing sexual awakening than I ever expected. It is sort of exciting to think that I still have so much more to experience.

Industry Experiences.

One of the final territories of experiences is learning just a little about the escorting industry. It is a unique and interesting place, so similar to many other personal service markets, but so profoundly different at the same time. I feel those that suggest it is unlike anything else are missing many lessons and market realities, similarly those that suggest it works like other industries, are also missing the massive points of difference and unique things about this variable, secret and incredibly diverse industry (or industries).

It is also frustrating, the level of ‘un-declared’ war that sometimes exists between providers and clients. A partnership at times, a war at others, something I spoke about in more detail in the my last article called ‘Siege Mentality’. My own treatment and some recent issues, made me feel ‘on the outside’ and tempted to write some darker pieces. I am not going to do that, I have decided not to engage in any ‘war’ or ‘dispute’, I can’t see how that helps anyone, and instead be an advocate for partnership and a voice for my journey and experience alone. I have described in this article how profound and amazing my experiences have been, how much they have impacted my whole life, my whole persona and my whole perspective. That is what my blog and my articles and my experiences are all about.

Even the negative aspects of the industry have beneficial lessons to teach. There are ‘experiences’ that happen every day around hustling, time-wasting by clients outside of bookings and sometimes by escorts inside them, secret back-channels and breaches of privacy, ethics, cases of extortion, issues of client and escort mental health, escorts that hate men, clients that hate and abuse escorts, people who abuse the system, the effect of poorly conceived laws and inconsistencies, crimes against escorts (mostly by men but sometimes by other escorts), in-fighting, jealousy, envy, manipulation, two-faced behaviours, passive aggressiveness, escorts managing and pimping other new escorts, chasing escorts for other business interests, the massive recent influx of new escorts, falseness, negligence, criminality and the dynamics of what quieter periods do to the overall health of the industry, and so on, and so on, and so on. Anyone who has been around for a while, sees some of these things and more – it is a big and very human industry after all. This paragraph is the end of my negativity, it is a expression of some of the things that have played on my mind in recent times, and with this admission, they are gone. This blog is returning to my experiences, my lessons, my journey and a celebration of why I am here and what is great about the industry.

I intend to stick firmly within the territory of what is great about my experiences and why I continue, despite some truly negative elements, to be an active client of escorts and seek out the richness of experience that this industry and this journey has to offer.

Thank you for your readership. Next articles will include some booking experiences, some guest experiences – more celebration and just the hint of wrestling with issues and emotions as I navigate my own path as a client. The experiential benefits are just far too rich and rewarding to get caught up in negativity for more than a brief moment.

Xx SP 20 June 2017.

Siege Mentality

Why do sex workers and sex work clients act defensively?

What happens when we share a sense of victimization?

Society doesn’t like sex work. It doesn’t like sex workers, it doesn’t like sex work clients, and it doesn’t like the defenders of sex work! There is a perpetual human history of trying to shut down the world’s oldest profession, yet it never has, this is an industry, profession and human need that will never go away.

This means that ‘sex work’ and all of its participants and advocates have always, and probably always will, be under siege by the mainstream views, or at least the publicly stated views, of the bulk of society. This article isn’t about changing that, although I wish we could, it is about what happens to people under siege – what is happening to us?

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What is siege mentality?

Siege mentality is a shared feeling of victimization and defensiveness in the face of the negative intentions of the rest of the world. Although a group phenomenon, the term describes both the emotions and thoughts of the group as a whole, and individuals being overly fearful of surrounding peoples, and an intractably defensive attitude (thanks Wikipedia).

Is the sex industry under siege? Of course it is, it always has been. Who is under siege? Escorts and sex workers most of all. Although the clients of sex workers, the defenders of sex work, and anyone who advocates for sex work, to a lesser degree, they are all under siege too. Anyone who sees sex work as work, as a valid and socially helpful industry and sees sex and intimate human interactions as being locked in some anachronistic dark ages – well all of those people are under siege. I am under siege writing this blog, having a secret life as a client of escorts, and having to be hidden from the world. If you are reading this, you are most likely under siege too!

Escorts under siege.

If you have read sociological articles or group psychology articles on this topic, I would love for you to point me in their direction. I have struggled to find much on the topic. What is true about a group under siege, is that normally there will be group social conformity, and lack of trust, and a preparedness to assume the worst in other groups (the enemy).

This is no doubt a topic better explored by others, if it hasn’t been already, and it is also a reality, not something that should necessarily (or can) be changed. As a ‘client blog’ however, I would like to take a short look at what it means for clients of escorts. In some circles, this is a symbiotic relationship, a partnership where the better participants make the industry work, and try to get along despite obvious differences. In other circles, clients are part of the enemy, even seen as worse than ‘non-participants’ by some people.

I can’t think of many industries, and this is still an industry, where the customer is so poorly regarded. The only ones that come to mind are other ‘industries’ that face siege mentality with the general public, and they include mental health, illicit drugs, police and the military. These service groups, also have strong threads of ‘customer hatred and dislike’ within their industry dynamic. Police often dislike their customers, as do drug dealers, soldiers and mental health workers. Not all of them, but enough to create a mini-war within the broader sociology of these group dynamics. There are some escorts who hate clients more than they hate the parts of society that want the whole sex work industry shut down.

What does this mean?

In a siege scenario, the escort group are always (and rightly) going to defend and support their socially cohesive colleagues, who are under the same public siege too. This makes sense, and certainly no one can know what it is like, what support is needed and help in more practical and emotional ways than fellow sex workers. There is however a choice as to whether other sex industry participants, primarily clients, are at the next level of industry cohesion and support, no better or worse than the hating public, or the worst of all – a necessary evil to be despised and used. This choice, like the framing of every group perception, depends on who is defined within the group(s), and how the groups are perceived.

Defining the client group.

There is a group of non-clients. Men and boys, who are either intrigued by sex workers and undertake unsavory activities such as online abuse, forum participation without experience, trolling, time-wasting, posting offensive material, insulting sex workers, faking bookings, absolute time wasting, robbery, and other versions of ‘getting their kick’ from the abuse and baiting of sex workers. In some circles, especially online examples where this behaviour is named and shamed, these disgraceful people are called clients. If they are called clients, then these disgraceful acts become seen as part of ‘client behaviour’. Something that colours the overall view of real clients who actually make bookings and fund the industry and behave appropriately.

The equivalent would be calling the scum-bags who steal real escort photos, set-up fake sites, and then try to rip-off clients or other escorts – sex workers. They are not sex workers, they are thieves. The group I have detailed above are not clients, they should also be seen as ‘industry abusers’, not as industry participants. They are out to harm the industry, not to support it. Clients by definition support an industry. The inclusion of these acts, under the description of client acts, leads to a mistaken perception around the customers of the industry. It also makes the ‘stereotypical client’ a bad stereotype.

Real clients

Real clients pay sex workers for their service and act within the rules of the provider and the industry. Of course even in the ‘real client’ group, there are bad clients, average clients and better clients. There are people with mental health, physical health, weight, cleanliness, self-respect, and other social issues. There are nice people and not nice people. There are clingy clients and aloof ones. There are wealthy and poor, nervous and arrogant, interesting and boring, lovely and awful.

This is the same for escorts, although the divisions will be different – there will be more quality escorts than quality clients. Why, because the industry, the money that funds the ‘gap in personal difference’ makes it that way. An average client, spends time with a wonderful escort, because the market and the money bridges the gap. Any other view is naive. So every provider and client experience will be different. There will be more ‘lower to average’ clients than ‘lower to average’ escorts, but that doesn’t mean that clients are bad by definition, or that clients should be hated within the industry as much or more than they are hated outside of the industry. We are all hated by society at large.

Are escorts and clients under-siege together or apart?

I feel under siege from society, as I have mentioned in this blog, I can’t talk to most people in the ‘muggle’ world about my experiences as a client of the sex industry. It is a secret world. Most clients I have met, and that isn’t many, feel the same way. There is some ‘client siege behaviours’ in forums and groups, but for the most part, they want connection with their service providers, their escorts – that is the little emotional part of the whole Girlfriend Experience (GFE). Clients are generally not participants in the industry to make connections with other clients, they are here for the escorts.

It is disappointing to me, and I imagine most clients, when it seems like there is an ‘undeclared war’ inside the industry. That outside of the booking, ranks are closed, clients are hated, and secret conversations about the enemy are common place. I have been called naive many, many times. In what may also be another naive opinion, I believe we are under siege together. We are not the same, the issues and problems are not the same, and escorts need their safe spaces, channels and independence from clients. Once that escort support is taken care of however, surely we (quality escorts and respectful clients) are better as partners in this siege. It will probably last forever, it has so far, and we are all hated, at least in public statements, by the rest of the world.

Mutual respect and support would be a nice baseline for everyone who is playing by the rules and has respect and fairness in their hearts. I just made a big sigh as I wrote that sentence, because to be honest, right now I am steeling myself for more hatred. The hatred isn’t coming from outside of the industry, it is coming from parts of the industry. I hope that I am wrong, if I’m not, I will gladly leave. If you believe what I have written in this blog, in this website, then you know I value the industry and respect all of the participants.

Thank you as always for your readership. Thoughtful comment and feedback is most appreciated.

Xx SP 14 June 2017.

Managing Risks

Knowing and minimising risks around client-escort bookings!

Dangers in the Escort-Client World

Most of my risk-management in this secret life of seeing escorts has been good luck rather than good management. So I am not sure that I am qualified to say much on this topic. It is however a regularly requested article, so the time has come to do my best. It is as much advice to myself as a tale of caution for others.

Before I start, let me say that I owe almost all of the fact that I have avoided ‘complications’, to the escorts that I have seen. For the most part, escorts brilliantly manage risk for their clients, and it is an under-appreciated part of the escort-client experience.

SunAndClouds

Sex and Intimacy Without Entanglement.

This ‘step-in, step-out’ fantasy world is of course the anticipated promise at the heart of the escort-client booking. Immediately the idea is that there is less risk than an affair or some other more complicated arrangement. It is true that there are far less entanglements, but no one can remove this risk entirely. I will return to emotional risks later, for now, lets start with some of the obvious ones.

Sexually Transmissible Infections (STI’s).

Looming large, and with good reason, is the risk of contracting and spreading infection. Thankfully this is probably a lower risk than most ‘first-time’ clients would expect. As having a rich sex-life with professional and cautious sex-workers is some of the ‘safest-sex’ you can have. Quality escorts are very cautious with their health, their well-being, and their own risk management around disease. I am not disclosing my own level of sexual activity, but so far (touch wood, hehe), I have not had any disease, other than perhaps a cold, resulting from my experiences with escorts.

As a client, it is also up to you to reduce this risk. I get an STI health-check every three-months. Most sex-workers are at least this attentive, if not more. Your own frequency of testing as a client would depend upon your level of activity, but you must get checked, it really is an obligation – unforgivable to transfer disease due to your own negligence. If you have any symptoms or doubts, get tested immediately, and don’t have any bookings until clear. If you are active, get checked regularly. Although the week’s wait is a pain for everyone, knowing that you are ‘clear’ is a good feeling. Being responsible and a considerate client is also a good feeling.

Never partake in high-risk behaviours. I like uncovered oral more than covered, but I always let the escort make the decision, regardless of their service description. There is not enough difference to care, and it is best to leave the ‘safety’ considerations in the hands of the expert. I have realised that in doubles and with toys, my knowledge around ‘safe-sex’ was limited, and I am glad that escorts have taken control and ensured a safe environment for us all in these experiences. Also if something feels strange, stop and ask, once (and thankfully only once), I had a condom come off. It felt odd even though I didn’t know it was off, I stopped and we fixed the situation. Thankfully in my case, it was with someone who had seen me before, and knew that I wasn’t doing anything deliberately. Not surprisingly, escorts will suspect you of poor behaviour, they experience too much of it, so make sure there is no reason to think you are not safe and a complete gentlemen. We all benefit from keeping sex safe and reducing the chance of infection.

Financial Risk – Getting ‘Ripped Off’.

Of course this is a business, money is changing hands and there is a financial risk. The risk for escorts is enormous, getting robbed, being paid with ‘fake-notes’, being hustled in other ways by asshole clients (and I would rather not even call them clients), gamed or fake-booked by other unscrupulous escorts, the list goes on and on. So when I see someone not wanting to pay a deposit, it is laughable really. No escort is going to secure their financial future running off with a deposit. Even if you, as a client, loose your deposit, so what – if you can’t handle a lost deposit, you are playing the wrong game.

The real financial risks for clients are something else entirely. Can you afford what you are doing? If not, you are opening up risks of depression, financial self-harm and resulting anger misdirected outwardly at escorts who are not the cause of your own financial actions or hardship. There is also the risk of trace-ability. Seeing escorts can be costly, moving that money, usually cash, around can create the pathway for discovery in parts of your life where you would like the secret to remain a secret. Think carefully how you do this. This is one area that I managed well from the start and it has saved me a lot of potential risk and grief by making sure it was private and protected.

I have been hustled, although I blame myself entirely for letting it happen. I have also had escorts choose a ‘faster-track’ to some additional financial benefit rather than building a lucrative longer-term connection. I don’t blame them for that choice, it was a choice after all. I decided a while ago, that type of action would be a deal-breaker for me. When an escort wants to work that way, I honour their request, but that is a signal for me that it is the end-of-the-road. I miss some of those escorts a lot, I still like them a lot, but if they would rather take an earlier pay-day, then I know the balance between interest in money and interest in me as a regular client is tilted to a point that I can’t ‘suspend my disbelief’ any longer, and I make a different future booking choice. We all have to make our own decisions and know where our boundaries lie. I have a problem with overly mercenary behaviour and outright lying, it just destroys the fantasy for me. It doesn’t make me upset, and I still respect every escort that I have said goodbye to for these reasons, it is simply a choice.

Getting ‘Outed’ – Being Discovered.

I didn’t understand this risk at the beginning, it was all a new world. It is probably the most pervasive and ever-present risk for a client who is operating a secret life to the rest of their reality. It is also a risk for a large number of escorts who also have an identity and part of their real-life that they want to protect, or just a desire to remain private and operate reasonable barriers to some of the other risks that escorts face.

Some clients operate their own ‘fake identity’ complete with ‘burner phone’ (separate disposable phone) and other ways of creating a separate persona. Other than my blog and public social media presence, I never went down that road. It is the general level of trust-worthiness of escorts that keeps most of us safe, see my article on ‘Secret Keepers’ for some more discussion on this point. Despite this, there is a lot of ‘outing’ and even more regularly the threats of ‘outing’ occur online and in other ways. It is still a surprise to me that something so nasty, so maliciously evil, seems to be threatened on social media and in the back-channels of social media every single day. See ‘World of Private Messages’ article for some more thoughts on this topic as well. I have had a number of threats, as have some other clients I have spoken too. If there is one thing the industry still needs to address better, it is this unsavory aspect of jealousy, extortion, threats and anger – it is one of the nasty faces of the escort-client world, since so many of us depend upon secrecy around our participation.

There is also the risk of ‘self-outing’. An even greater risk than disclosure by others, that is more about lack of personal care, self-destructive behaviours, relationship breakdowns and of course sometimes just coincidence. I have my own stories here, especially early in my journey of both coincidence and naivety, they are too involved for this article, and perhaps I will write on them later. The lesson of course is to exercise care, it is easy to be discovered, and once the story is out, it is very hard to go back. I have great risk as a result of this blog, but then I need to talk about my experiences, we all have to decide what level of risk we can tolerate. Self-outing is one thing, doing it to someone else or even threatening it is unforgivable in my opinion, unless the circumstances are extreme and are preventing an even more unforgivable scenario.

Emotional Risks.

The last part of this article is on the idea that these connections are ‘without entanglement’. They simply aren’t. Yes there are boundaries, there is a transaction, there are appropriate behaviours and it is a better scenario for ‘separation’ than most others where two people come together in an intimate setting. But humans are humans and we are built for connections and we all carry our own issues and baggage.

My advice for this article is prepare yourself for this. Prepare for anger, jealousy, desire, lust, upset and love. If you are going to play in the ‘escort-client’ world, you are playing in a world of heightened experience and heightened emotion. Many of us are sorry for the people who don’t get to experience this and could not go fully back to the ‘muggle’ world. It is a taste of something that is very hard to give up, mostly fantasy, with just enough reality to be confusing and addictive. This ‘super-charged’ world has its own costs, dynamics and price to pay. This will unfold differently for everyone, and in this blog I have spoken about many of the more emotional aspects of the journey.

From ‘Single Booking Sadness’, to ‘Post Booking Melancholy’, ‘Friends and Lovers’ and even saying goodbye to an escort that I love in ‘My End of Summer’. This is an emotion journey for many of us, even if we try to pretend at times that it isn’t. The emotional risk is the biggest risk, just savour the ‘downs’ as a back-ground to how great the ‘ups’ are. Don’t let the darker side of emotion create collateral damage with self-harm or the harm of others. Being hurt is not an excuse for hurting, outing, stalking or otherwise reflecting this on others. Move on to somewhere else that gives you joy and leave the industry and the environment better for the quality of your participation.

At the end of the day, the only way we manage the risks are to work together for a safer, supportive and more enjoyable industry, rich with experience and reward.

Your stories, opinions, comments and feedback gratefully received. Thank you so much for your readership and especially to those that have supported me on this journey and with this blog – now I even have a list of some of these people on a thank-you page.

Xx SP 11 June 2017.

 

 

World of Private Messages

Escort-client dynamics in the realm of Twitter private messages.

What happens between escorts and clients in Twitter PM’s?

It will all be fine, this isn’t some ‘secret-breaking’ reveal it all article. Sorry if that is a disappointment. This is instead a look at the types of communication that move away from the public social media view, and into the world of private messages on Twitter. There are similarities with texts and emails, but I am specifically looking at private messages on Twitter in this article.

Let’s take a look at booking exchanges, between booking communications, supporting each other, making arrangements, sharing information and a look at some of the more controversial areas of hustling, bullying, trolling, extortion and threats. Of course it’s not all bad news, there are some very lovely things that happen in the world of Private Messages (PMs) too!

PetalumaWine

Sitting in bubbles, sipping wine and reading my PMs!

I really have no concept of how escorts manage their communication load! Forget bookings, administration, beauty treatments, preparation, security, health, personal well-being, and having a life! How on earth do Escorts stay on top of emails, texts and social media. I make this point, because this article and this whole blog site is a single client’s view of the world. Occasionally I struggle to keep up with my own social media, and my ‘content load’ must be less than one-percent of what an escort has to face.

In addition, the ‘shitty’ part (bad manners, aggression, trolling and everything that ‘brings me down’) must also be less than one-percent of what an escort faces. Anyone who ever thinks for a second that an escort’s life might be easy – should just consider that aspect alone for a minute. How on earth do they manage it? I can sit in a hotel bath, drink a glass of red wine, cruise my social media and select some responses (I had to tie in the article photo somehow – hehe). It is rare that this is a negative experience, so this article is not a complaint at all – as a client I have things easy, just like in every other aspect of the escort-client world.

I should add though that I only do this for fun and experiences. I am here to spend money, not to make it, so by the same token, I should be able to choose my level of involvement – because I am not marketing for business and I am not interested in buying negativity. Sometimes I even forget that I am a customer not a provider and feel I obliged to be super responsive on these communication channels to anyone that engages with me. Something that I am slowly learning to change.

What is great about Private Messages?

If you have received a sweet message from an escort, the you don’t need me to tell you what is great about Private Messages. When an ultra-busy escort, as described above, takes a minute to send something to you one-on-one, that is a huge gift – it makes my day every single time it happens. I always try to respond if I can, because let’s face it, I have more time than they do (some of the time) and I would always love another similar message sometime in the future. I am conscious to try and stop these responses from becoming a ‘chain of messages’ that is wasting their time. There is a high risk that Private Messages from clients are time-wasting. I actually ask myself before pressing send – am I wasting this generous escort’s time? I was told recently that sometimes I cut private threads short and send an ‘I’m too busy feeling’ – that isn’t because I don’t want to ‘chat’, it is usually because I want to be respectful and not be seen as a time-waster by the Escorts I like the most. It is a hard thing to know what the right balance is.

What PMs make sense, are positive and useful?

Real booking arrangements benefit both clients and escorts. Private Messaging isn’t necessarily a great place for this, and a client should always try to use the escort’s preferred communication channel and processes and not attempt to bypass screening or protocol. Sometimes however PMs are useful for inquiring about bookings, tours or other meeting preliminaries and they can also be useful for clearing up other details and making contact immediately prior to the booking. These should all be short, clear, well-mannered, sufficiently detailed and kept to a minimum.

Thank you messages also make sense. Whether by text or PM, a post-booking message sent from the client to the escort is in my view a must. I want the escort to know how special the booking was, how much I appreciated their time and effort, and the truth behind how they made me feel. That is easy, I always feel awesome after a booking, but I want it to say something personal and truthful too – I don’t lie in these messages. Getting a similar message in return is also a lovely reinforcement of the booking. As I have said in other articles, if there isn’t a return message after a thank you – for me at least, that is a pretty distressing thing (thankfully it is also a very rare thing). This is something to keep honest, real, kind and personal – it is also once again, something that shouldn’t be ‘over-done’. Time-wasting is again not a long journey away from being kind and attentive.

Support and contact messages are also lovely. These are more appropriate territory for times when a more personal connection has developed. Occasional contact between people that know each other is one of the more pleasant things about private messages. To know that someone is aware when you are slightly down, or wants to celebrate something with you, make a positive comment or just let you know that they are still there and thinking of you occasionally – those messages can be a real joy. This is one of the most complex areas however, as what is sweet and pleasant for one person, might be creepy and time-wasting for another. There is an ‘art’ here to knowing your own connection with that person – what is lovely, what is OK, and what is not acceptable. I try to lean slightly towards the less is more, but as a ‘person of words’, I am at risk more than most of saying too much, too often. I am trying to learn!

From my own perspective, being told that an escort is thinking of an upcoming tour, contacting me to say hello, sharing a memory, asking a question, looking for support, offering support, being kind and other general occasional contact is not hustling and it is more than acceptable, it is actually very nice and highly appreciated. I know there are wide ranging views on this, by clients and escorts alike, but for me contact from someone who knows that I like their contact is more than fine, it is appreciated and desirable.

What PMs are questionable or downright nasty?

Hustling is questionable and takes many different forms. Firstly, lets all admit that it happens, it happens quite a lot, and it is not all the same. Some may think asking for a booking, or a type of booking (say a double), or exploring if there is a connection is hustling. I don’t! To me this is great when it is wanted by the recipient, it is OK when it is softly rejected and that is the last unsolicited request, and it is only hustling, when it is hustling and that line becomes pretty clear, pretty fast. Escorts are in business, how they get their business is their business, and if I get successfully ‘hustled’, then that is my fault as a ‘stupid punter’. If I don’t feel like I’ve been hustled, enjoy the result, and I am happy with the contact and the outcome, then I haven’t been hustled. Clients however hustling escorts, that is something else entirely – and put plain and simply, it is never OK.

Trolling, bullying, extortion and threats also take many different forms and are rarely if ever acceptable. I haven’t been extorted and I am reluctant to call anything else that has happened to me bullying, although I know these things happen in the back-channels of social media and through other contact points as well. I have however been threatened may times and trolled, it is still a surreal experience for me, I don’t understand the commitment or motivations of the originator(s), I can’t reconcile the effort that is required, and I don’t understand how a person gets a benefit from that behaviour, other than by inflicting misery, and I can’t understand that mentality.

I am sure that some scenarios could exist, where threats and maybe even cases of bullying are a response to something worse and form part of dealing with an issue and bringing about some balance. Maybe there are cases for that. So far however, every story that I have heard about would seem to have had a better solution. I’m not ignorant enough to say that ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’, but certainly as far as I can see, trolling, bullying, threats and extortion make poor tools for creating any form of positive solution or bringing resolution to any issue. They are also bad marketing. Tell me if I’m wrong on this, but all of these pathways seem to hurt the originator as much, maybe even more, than the intended target. Surely the best revenge (if you are into revenge) is to move forward and have a great life and leave any disliked target you may have encountered behind. Otherwise you are just caught circling the drain – a place where the hurt just remains.

So when to use Private Messages?

I think like so many things with communication, there is a simple three-stage test. I am writing this for my future benefit, not as some expert, I want to live this model myself.

Firstly is it being written with good intent or bad? Secondly, will the recipient benefit from it or not? Finally, is it clear or is there a possibility of misinterpretation?

The last one is super tricky. Text mediums are so prone to misinterpretation without the benefit of tone, body language or immediate visibility to each-other’s reactions. I have stuffed up text based communication so, so, so many times. In fact some of those disasters are hinted at in the articles on this blog. I am going to try my best to follow my own rules, but sometimes I don’t even see the misinterpretation coming until its too late.

I am a work in progress. However, if you know me, and if you ever hear from me in a Private Message, please know … (a) I wrote it with good intent, (b) I hoped that it was going to benefit you, and finally, I am trying not to waste your time. If you are sending me one, I will also try to read it and understand it with the same positive lens.

Private Messages can be lovingly awesome, it is also territory for some of the nastiest and most hateful words that have even been crafted. The private underside of Twitter (and other private messages) is a different world to what we all see ‘above the waterline’ in the public world.

Thank you for your readership. Comments and feedback most gratefully received. Plus my sincere and eternal apologies for anyone I have ever upset in a badly considered Private Message (or anywhere else for that matter).

Xx SP 25 May 2017 (article updated 18 June 2017).

Addicted to Escorts

Exploring addiction to booking escorts. Why am I hooked?

Am I addicted to booking escorts?

This is an intriguing question to ask yourself as a client. Is this behaviour an addiction? Does this form of addiction matter? Do I want to change anything if I am addicted?

I am still relatively new to being a client of escorts, approaching two years of having this wonderful secret side to my life. I am also relatively new to being successful in other parts of my life. I have been told, by an escort of course (the source of all of the best information), that I exhibit signs of ‘sudden wealth syndrome’. My ‘addiction’ to escorts being a sign of this syndrome. That is as good a place as any to start this article, but I want to look at other aspects as well, and then ask the question again: Am I addicted to escorts and what does that actually mean in practice?

CashBath

Sudden wealth syndrome!

Sometimes called ‘lottery winners syndrome’, this ‘psychological phenomenon’ describes the stress, guilt, confusion and social isolation that can accompany a significant financial windfall or advantage. While coming into financial success ought to be a good thing, it can take a bad turn. No, I did not win the lottery, I am also not ‘rich’, compared to many people’s view of wealth. I have however been successful for less than a decade, after a life of hard work and a childhood and early-adulthood of very modest financial means.

Being able to spend significant amounts of money is relatively new for me, and some aspects of guilt, confusion and stress are, if I’m totally honest, part of this new life that I live (covered in some part in the earlier article ‘Sex and Guilt’). What seems like extravagant pleasure, does have a connection to emotions of guilt, confusion and social isolation.  Maybe I fall into the class of client that exhibits elements of ‘sudden wealth syndrome’, kid-in-a-candy-store, spoilt middle-aged guy, or whatever description floats your boat. Seeing escorts is however where I choose to spend a not insignificant amount of money. Most addictions ‘cost’, so maybe on the financial view of this question alone, my behaviour could look a lot like an addiction.

Mid-life crisis, or if you prefer, chasing after my youth.

I had a short-lived youth of reckless adventure before I got serious, and then the decades passed as I lived up to the corporate, family, and societal behaviours that I felt were expected of me. As I discussed in the article ‘Becoming a Client’, I hit a point where I needed to embrace some selfishness, some recklessness and some adventure. I needed to grab the last vestiges of youth before they were gone forever. This is not uncommon, it is often called, mistakenly in my view a mid-life crisis. I think it can and does happen at anytime of life, and this wasn’t my first existential analysis or change of direction. Not everyone who goes through the need for adventure and change starts booking escorts, but that was an important part of my journey, part of my existential crisis (who knows, I may be in for more of these as I get older).

So why the need for escorts?

I wasn’t ready for a potentially messy affair, the depressing game of Tinder, or a new relationship. I did however need, very badly need as it turns out, intimacy, companionship, confidants, exciting moments, and a journey of sexual discovery and youthful sexual renewal. That really is what I needed, and it is probably the best description I have written yet of why I see escorts. In our busy, stressful, sanitized and ‘contact-avoidance’ lives, I would suggest any single one of those things (benefits) could be addictive. Put them all together, and it is one hell of an addictive package. I have gone further in other articles and said – I simply cannot go back. Now that the genie is out, it simply cannot be ‘put back in the bottle’.

Shortly after I initially drafted this piece I went further on ‘Why Multiple Escorts?’, exploring why it is not a ‘singular’ affair with one escort or person. For now, in this article, that answer is simple and rooted in the source of this addiction. In some escorts I find elements of connection, friendship, ease of conversation and joy in simply being in their presence – I am addicted to them as individuals. In others I find sexual fire, new discoveries and lessons from the tension between different worlds – I am addicted to that too. Seeing escorts is not one dimensional, everyone is unique, so although I am addicted collectively to being a ‘client of escorts’, I am also addicted to some individual relationships for very personal, unique and segmented reasons.

The pain of addiction.

All addicts are in pain. Pain causes the need and the addiction. Removal or deprivation is also painful. Seeing escorts and classing it as an addiction makes sense in many ways. I feel a profoundly strong high in the lead-up to a booking and a crescendo in the booking itself. Some of these moments, as I have described in some of the stories here, are almost perfectly sublime – the highest of highs! In between bookings there is at best a return to a ‘greyness’, and in many cases there is significant pain. Discussed imperfectly in the articles on ‘Post Booking Melancholy’ and ‘Staying in the Moment’.

For some of these personal needs, there are other pains. The seeking of adventure, raw sex, sexual discovery and memorable moments are simple drivers for wanting to be a client. A client can have these, savor them, remember them, and return again when they are ready for more, ready for the next experience. The aspects of companionship, intimacy and heaven-forbid friendship have a different and more complicated and longer-lasting dynamic. The highs are progressive, the addiction lives beyond the booking, the connection is to individual(s) and not to a generic ‘client-escort’ experience or moment. As a result, the pain comes in a different manner. This is the dangerous territory of ‘self-destructive’ addiction.

Self-sabotage and escort addiction.

Imagine trying to make a friend of an escort! Stop and think about that statement for a moment. I am not talking about the role-play of a Girlfriend Experience (GFE), but actually making a real friendship. Could there be a less likely place to strike up a friendship, in a manufactured place, with age, gender, social and need differences. A place where money bridges these gaps, for the exact reason that they are gaps. What madman would look to build a friendship here?

In me, and I am sure in many clients, is a dangerous cocktail of ‘lack of self-worth’, existential crisis and a desire to prove something against these deep seated insecurities. While the level of need and desire might vary, many clients, us addicts, are seeking sustained connection almost deliberately in the place that it is least likely to develop. I have written pieces on ‘Friends and Lovers’, and ‘Relationship Breakdowns’, and you can see that I have a need for connection, intimacy and to be ‘liked’. I am exploring this in therapy outside of my escort experiences and in these pages on this blog as well. For this reason, seeking what I shouldn’t, where I shouldn’t, knowing that I shouldn’t, and knowing that it is folly, for this reason more than any other ‘I am clearly an addict of escorts’!

Do I want to change that? I guess like most addicts, it is a perpetual tension between yes, no, I don’t know! While I think about that, please let me see one of the escorts that I adore – I need another hit! I can see this also play out in my own engagement on social media. Sometimes I am together, sometimes I am stressed, sometimes confused – always wanting the engagement, sometimes for fun, sometimes for learning, sometimes for ratification and sometimes clearly hating myself and my weaknesses. Isn’t that the cycle of an addict? Or maybe it is all part of a journey of discovery – who knows?

This is surely raw, surely true and I hope it isn’t too much. It drained me to write this piece in its first cut – I was very emotional and raw at the time. In this re-draft, I am more philosophical, but I can’t deny the tensions and confusions that were originally written into this article. It is hard when you need to be liked to then say things about yourself that you know are not likeable. The little boy inside normally prefers to remain hidden behind the wall!

Thanks for your readership. I am not sure what I accomplished with this particular piece, but I hope you find something within it that helps with your own journey, after all, we are all on one.

Xx SP 17 May 2017 (article updated 13 June 2017).

Chasing Unicorns

A humorous perspective on the client pursuit of escorts.

Certified Unicorns!

Please don’t take this blog article too seriously! This is my (most likely poor) attempt at a bit of levity, in between some rather issue-heavy blog articles of late.

This article is also a change in style. It needs you to do a little bit of back-ground homework for context. If you haven’t seen this already, please watch the 5-minute YouTube video … “The Universal Hot vs Crazy Matrix – a Man’s Guide to Women”. By the way, don’t blame me, it was a lovely escort that introduced me to this video – plus the video is by a lawyer, so you know it must be true!

Cocktail4

The Escort Fantasy.

So you have seen our YouTube Lawyer’s ‘Hot versus Crazy’ zones? If not, you really do need to watch the video first. I think, when it comes to clients booking escorts, the ‘No Go Zone’ does not apply. To a client, every escort selected for a booking is ‘HOT’. The client (alright, once again it is just me speaking), is looking to experience something outside of the normal, someone who in their eyes is an example of the client (yes, me) ‘punching above their weight’. You know, an 8-out-of-10 and above.

So as far as the ‘escort’ version of the ‘universal hot versus crazy matrix’, there are only four categories that really apply. The ‘danger zone’ for ‘crazy escorts’, the ‘date zone’ for ‘less-crazy escorts’, the ‘wife zone’, which is more realistically the ‘I wish they were my wife zone’. Then of course the fabled ‘Unicorn Zone’, which as our learned and unattractive YouTube Lawyer explains, does not actually exist.

Playing with this ridiculous model.

Remember this is firmly ‘tongue-in-cheek’. Please don’t destroy me in my first attempt at a light-hearted blog article. There are clearly crazy clients, and the reality is that there are crazy escorts too – even if this is just ‘craziness’ in the sense of being incompatible. It is hard to ‘spot crazy’ before a booking, so this can be something to be discovered. I haven’t been into the ‘Danger Zone’ (Top-Gun film soundtrack playing in my head – good to listen to while reading this article) on many occasions, but I have seen my share of crazy. Let’s just say best not discussed publicly and of course best avoided – run away fast.

The ‘slightly-crazy’ and ‘super-hot’, now that can be a fun place to play for a while. There is some ‘stuff that goes down’ in that territory that we should all get to experience – in relatively small and safe doses. We all feel a bit like experiencing our crazier-selves at times and being with an escort, that is to us edgy, a little dangerous, stretches our boundaries, well that is a worthy place to play. Our YouTube narrator (geeky Lawyer) calls this the ‘date zone’, in the client-escort world, I think it is more accurately the ‘booking-experiment’ or ‘escort-fun’ zone. No I’m not about to make my own chart (yet)!

When it just clicks!

I am resisting the urge to get serious and talk more about ‘Loving an Escort’ or ‘Making it Regular’. I am determined to stay factitious and light-hearted. When the ‘client-escort’ connection is strong, personalities click and the dynamic is smooth and natural, it is easy to think … “in some alternate universe, I would love a real relationship with this person”. That type of escort, in this crazy model, would fall within the wife zone. Or as I said before, more accurately within the ‘I wish this was my wife’ zone. Alright, for those of you getting angry about this ‘wife’ terminology, someone that the client would desire to be a larger part of their life – the connection is strong and so is the attraction. In the client’s view – this escort is not crazy at all and they are oh-so-achingly hot!

Unicorns live here!

In the final tiny category, almost unique to the escorting world alone, unicorns do exist! I have seen them in the wild, I have seen them at play, I have had the amazing good fortune to have spent small and magical moments of time in their presence. I have met a small but precious number of unicorns. I am keeping their identities and locations secret, as at every opportunity I hope to study them further and let their magic further enrich my life. Seriously, I am not sharing Unicorns with you – I want them!

I know this was a silly article, after all it was based on a very questionable video. That silly video now has ‘Certified Unicorn’ merchandise and possibly a forthcoming movie deal. It may be responsible for stopping a lawyer from practicing law – so that isn’t all bad is it? If you thought this blog article was cute, if you know me, and if you already know that I think that you are a ‘Certified Unicorn’, let me know – I may just get you the T-Shirt to prove it. You know who you are – I drool in your presence!

Please don’t flame me for this article, barely a serious word was spoken apart from this … Unicorns really do exist, I have met a few and that is why I love being a client of escorts. They actually exist more within the escort community than anywhere else.

I hope you enjoyed this change of pace. Thoughts, feedback, comments and sharing is greatly appreciated. I hope you didn’t get too distracted and spend hours on YouTube – that is certainly a trap. Plus listening to the Top-Gun soundtrack will kill brain cells. Thank you as always for your readership.

Xx SP 8 May 2017 (article updated 7 June 2017).