Perspective is Everything

Real escort dates as they look from different viewpoints.

The role of perspective on enjoying escort bookings.

I have been in a bit of a funk since December last year. For the first few months of this ‘low patch’, I unwittingly coloured some of my escort bookings with a ‘darker view’ when contrasted with those back in 2016, when I was in a happier place.

A recent personal scare, from someone in a far darker place than me, highlighted this negative outlook. I knew I had unkindly skewed perceptions, while I was caught in my own minor ‘down patch’. It started me thinking, have my dates been less exciting and positive, or have I just coloured them through my own dark lens. How important is perspective?

Perspective

Six date stories.

The following are all real escort bookings, they all occurred in early 2017, and nothing is made up, embellished or untrue. Of course I am keeping them general and unidentifiable, except that some of the people involved may be able to guess – but be careful, you may well be wrong. Plus remember I am trying to illustrate a point here.

Date One a four-hour lunch date that ended after only three-hours, with the escort leaving an hour early.

Date Two an overnight booking, it included the evening equivalent of a four-hour dinner date, but the next morning when we woke, there was no intimacy beyond a brief cuddle in bed.

Date Three a same morning cancellation by the escort of a long-planned four-hour lunch.

Date Four a four-hour lunch date where no items of clothing were removed for the entire date by either of us, the only intimacy was a few minutes of kissing.

Date Five a first booking, I left the high-quality room to the escort overnight for some impromptu doubles profile photos. I was slightly disappointed to never receive a thank-you or follow-up communication, despite seeing the photos turn up on a newly launched profile.

Date Six a long date that included attending an event. On the next-day, I was surprised to receive a demand from the escort for extra payment to cover missing another booking, as the social component of our long booking ran well over time.

My perspective on this ‘bad run’.

I felt that my wonderful run of 2016 had come crashing down and that 2017 was turning into a train-wreck. There are some other more ‘identifiable’ stories that I am leaving out, but let’s just say there were more than the six above, including some rather nasty incidents if all of the truth was told. Of course it wasn’t all disappointing booking stories, so let me tell you about six more 2017 bookings.

Six more date stories.

Date One was a wonderful first date with shared stories on our real-life professional areas, amazing intimacy and a very strong connection that was allowed by the escort to run overtime.

Date Two had so many elements to it, that it is hard to describe here. It was a complicated meeting to arrange, but the best parts of it are highly memorable and pleasing to recall for a wide range of reasons.

Date Three was a long-awaited catch-up with an escort that I am exceeding close with, it was unusual booking for both of us, but I believe our strong connection continues to grow even stronger.

Date Four was a first meeting that happened on a tragic public day, it was a wonderful date and was followed up at a future meeting that was thankfully free from external dramas.

Date Five was an agreed re-booking that led to me meeting one of the sweetest and most amazing people I have discovered. They continue to give me amazing support and I always enjoy seeing them immensely.

Date Six is with one of my long-term companions who later returned for a shared spa massage, some food and some lengthy relaxed conversation.

A change in perspective.

So you have probably worked the structure of this article out already. Both six date stories are exactly the same six bookings – with just their order mixed around. 

The points are all true, and either would be a reasonably accurate description of the booking. The first six date stories are the view of a person (me) who is in a poor frame of mind – feeling down and sorry for themselves.

The second view is the view of a person (the new me) who has re-examined the event, is in a better frame of mind and is really looking at the overall wonder of these bookings, rather than the small insecure doubts and ‘parts’ of the encounter that can play on the mind of someone in a dark place.

The very depressed perspective of someone very close to me, has been one of the triggers to make me rethink my own 2017 experiences, and realize that I am the person creating my own reality.

Perspective is everything!

We all go through ups and downs. Perhaps some of us are more inclined to positive perspectives and others to negative views.

I am not trying to change minds here, all I am saying, drawn from my own very recent experience is … if you go into a complicated human encounter – you know, a booking with an escort – and you are in a negative frame of mind, the world will look that way. If you can forgive the small incidents, errors and human idiosyncrasies and look at the overall picture, you may find, like I have, that with a different perspective life, your booking(s) and your human connections are all pretty good. I am changing my tune – 2017 is going to be great, hell, it already is!

An epilogue of sorts.

There are a few people (not mentioned here) that are also currently suffering from a ‘poor perspective’ of their own, and a couple of them still owe me a reassessment in the same manner as mine, and perhaps in some cases an apology when they are in a better place in their lives.

I’m not really worried about that. I have however also made regrettable choices in my own ‘down time’ and with the benefit of a changed perspective, there are some people that I have hurt. Hurt people hurt people. Happy people generally don’t. So while I was hurting in my own modest way, I did my share of damage. I have tried to remedy this, but to anyone I am still re-building with, and to one person in particular, I am sorry it took me this long to get back to a positive perspective – that has been your wonderful advice to me all along!

Thoughts and your experiences are both welcome. Please however don’t criticize any of the ‘dates’ above, none of these people deserve it, it really was my perspective on what was in every case a quality booking (that is why I choose them for illustration, because they all had something negative and so much more that was positive – it was all a matter of perspective).

Xx SP 18 March 2017 (article updated 11 May 2017).

Sex and Guilt

Buying sex and dealing with associated guilt.

Client guilt, the dark-side of seeing escorts.

Get over it! Guilt is the most useless emotion. Guilt is anger directed at ourselves. Guilt is to the spirit, what pain is to the body. Forgive yourself, guilt helps nobody. I’m sure you, like me, have heard similar quotes on the subject of guilt.

Every client wants to rid themselves of guilt and embrace the pleasure and enjoyment they seek when buying the services of an escort. However guilt is a sneaky and invasive feeling, shaking it isn’t always that easy to do. So why do I feel guilt and what should I do about it?

GuiltShot2

So where is my guilt coming from?

Well that is a very long list, summed up by the cheeky T-shirt above. Here are a few of the obvious sources: I’m deceptive and breaking trust in a monogamous relationship. I have daughters who wouldn’t understand my secret life or sex-work in general. I’m buying intimacy from someone who would most likely not even notice me in the ‘normal’ world. I’m older, I’m spoilt, I’m selfish, I’m entitled, I’m wasting money that could do something far more meaningful in society. I’m a creepy client of sex-workers and other better men than me don’t need to buy this service. I’m needy, flawed, and insecure.

Worse than that, I may be self-destructive, seeking solace and comfort from an escort that can’t give the same to me in return (without being self-destructive in their own right). Clients often want to ‘suck up compassion’ and the poor empathetic escorts that give ‘too much’ of this support away, can do significant damage to their own psyche. The fact that I know this unhealthy dynamic exists, and yet I still desire real intimacy with many of the escorts that I meet, just makes me feel even more guilty for having these feelings and hopes. It is almost a vicious spiral, adding to all of the other causes of guilt. So as the T-shirt says, ‘I am a cunt’ (in the unfairly negative use of this word)!

Of course I didn’t even add that society hates us both – escort and client alike – if only they knew the level of guilt, shame and insecurity that can hit us. It’s not that we are ashamed of ‘buying sex’, or anything about sex-work – we are just generally ashamed of other aspects of ourselves. The mythical sexual abandon and indulgent debauchery that society may often imagine when picturing sex-work, probably isn’t anything like the world that they expect it is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going back (it is amazing), but there is always a price to pay, and sometimes one of those prices is unfortunately guilt.

So why do I continue to see escorts?

At TedX Sydney in 2016, Elise Payzan-Le Nestour (behavioural economist) said, “we are all greedy and lack self-control”. The smoker, gambler, drinker and even extreme athletes, vegans and religious zealots all know that their activity of choice has consequences both positive and negative – joy and despair. My initial decision was to seek joy in parts of my life that I felt I had lost, youth, intimacy, wild sex and even the adrenaline of secrecy and ‘seeing behind the curtain’ of social taboos.

Some of these reasons remain, but over time the reasons that I continuing to remain a ‘client of escorts’ have changed. There are now other reasons as well. Things like loving more than one person intimately, maintaining important connections, learning new things (both the salacious and the mundane) and having joyful, compressed and intense moments to look forward to in the future and then to savor secretly when looking back at my hidden past. I added an article specifically on ‘Staying in the Moment’ to look more specifically at this unique dynamic that exists in the escort-client world.

I actually feel quite sorry for people who do not have this amazing level of sexual and intimate experience in their lives. So those who give in to guilt and choose a different moral path, may not have to deal with the negative consequences, but they may be robbing their life of areas of fulfillment that they may regret. I believe that I would look back and regret aspects of my life, if I gave up on these amazing experiences.

I know I need the highs and lows to feel alive. My personal discovery in seeing escorts, is that a mundane, predictable and vanilla path is death, a zombie-like existence, that fails to see there is more joy to be had. This has led me to do many, many other new things, however seeing escorts is still my favorite part of a more vigorous, spontaneous and vibrant life.

How do escorts manifest and deal with guilt?

This will probably be material for a longer article in the future (if an escort or two would like to help me with the appropriate material). For now, it still needs to be placed within this discussion. Like clients, escorts are on their own journey of dealing with guilt. The sources, the resulting emotions, and the level of personal resolution changes from escort to escort and even from moment to moment with the same individual (clients as well). I have had moments when I felt I had ‘resolved the guilt’ and then it comes back and ‘bites-me-in-the-ass’ in unexpected ways.

I have been watching this play out with some escorts. In many social media conversations there is pressure to agree that guilt is bad, society has it all wrong and escorts are like the ‘mutant X-Men’ and the future of a liberated and sexually enlightened society. Wouldn’t it be nice to think that were true, and in some ways, I think that it is.

Some of the same voices however will then say that when they “retire, they wouldn’t see a man that has visited escorts”, often missing the guilt-laden irony in this statement. Some particularly smart escorts also experience guilt from their astute awareness that as advocates for feminism, their earning potential is still largely the result of residual patriarchal structures and ‘women as object’ thinking. This also causes guilt for me – as I support feminism but take advantage of the contradictions that allow me to book escorts.

Of course most of the guilt comes from us having difficulty escaping our upbringing, the standards of our families and friends, and the malicious attacks that come from an ignorant society with a mistaken view of sex-work. The social errors don’t really matter, as wrong or right, the sheer volume and persistence is a weight on client and escort alike. It scratches away at our insecure selves in those weak moments, and creates self-doubt, sadness and this most useless of all emotions – guilt.

What does it all mean?

So I don’t know what to do. Sometimes in the ten-seconds it takes to get a condom on, the guilt-laden doubts enter my head, and my penis goes into retreat. I win the battle more than the doubts do, and most times joyfulness ensues for a brief few hours, more than worthy of the financial cost, and an amazing memory is created. Of course later the guilt can return in what I guess we might call ‘post-booking melancholy’ (a topic I added after this original article was written).

As for the industry, we shouldn’t pretend that guilt doesn’t exist. Please don’t shame those who feel it more acutely than you, those who can’t be ‘out’ with their family and friends, and perhaps most of all: those of us compassionate clients should remember that in our own guilt, we need to be reinforcing to our wonderful supporting escorts that their choices are more than worthy too! Any guilt that they may feel should give way to the youthful, vigorous, spontaneous and vibrant life that they are providing to their clients, and hopefully they are fully able to enjoy this more vibrant and enriched life as well.

Guilt really is the most useless of emotions.

Xx SP 17 March 2017 (Happy St Patrick’s Day) (article updated 9 May 2017)

Constructing a Dinner Date

The client-side anatomy of a ‘kick-ass’ dinner date.

A dinner-date is pretty easy, right?

Sure, intimate diners are happening everywhere, some go well, some go badly, but when you are taking an escort out on a dinner date, you hardly want it to go badly.

In fact normally you want it to be an amazing experience, and at least a quality one for the escort involved. If there is one date format that I think I’m starting to understand reasonably well, it is a escort-client dinner date. So what does one look like from a client perspective?

DinnerDetail

The set-up and booking.

There really is so much involved that this could be a very long blog if I get encyclopedic, so here are some basics that seem to work for me. First of all, who is coming to dinner? My view is generally someone you have seen before, although I break that rule myself regularly. Secondly, eat first and get to know each other, especially with new people, although I break that rule regularly as well. It can be nice eating after the bedroom escapades, especially with repeat bookings. Personally, I’m still undecided on what order is better – both can be great experiences and have their obvious benefits, so mix it up perhaps!

So the basics are, pick an escort that enjoys a dinner date, research what they like (food and drinks) and then book the best restaurant you can manage, ideally with the hotel room attached. Travel time is wasted time. Don’t skimp on dinner and drinks, you are making a memory for yourself as well as trying to give the escort a memorable experience, just as though you were on a real date. Perhaps even more so, as this is meant to be a fantasy experience after all. They may remember the dinner even if you, like me, are Mr Average in the bedroom. Everyone enjoys a great meal with great food, attentive service and great ambiance.

Preparation and planning for success.

Going to a known reliable restaurant is not a bad thing, although it needs to be mixed with changing things up, if it is somewhere you go to regularly. Other preparation may include gifts (although personally, gift giving is for me a far more complex discussion) and the general preparation for the evening. Escort, hotel and restaurant bookings should all be made in advance (and confirmed). Usually the more ‘advanced’ the restaurant booking, the better the table, but don’t be afraid to ask for something good.

I always try and have a text or message with the escort on the day, saying that I am looking forward to the dinner – which is always the truth. They may also have their own ‘confirmation’ process – make sure you complete it and are super-nice and well mannered in your communication. No one wants to enter an extended booking stressed or feeling slightly annoyed with their companion.

I always get to the ‘attached hotel’ or if that isn’t possible, where I am staying at least an hour before the date is due to start. I want to be freshly showered, smell good (not too over the top), have fresh breath, be well dressed, be relaxed, do a final review of the escort’s profile and make sure the room (and payment) is fully ready for the dinner and afterwards – music, lights, other drinks, ice, envelope and anything else that is part of the date. Make it special for you both and get the preparation done and finished.

Having the date play out.

So many possibilities, but here is some more advice. Be an attentive conversationalist, but also let the escort drive some or most of it, they are usually very good at dinner and at keeping conversation going. Let them drive the dinner as well, how many courses, what to order and most of the related decisions, unless they specifically ask you to decide. Short or long dinners are fine with me, as long as my dinner guest is happy with the end result and timing. Don’t set budget rules, most escorts won’t go crazy and make sure you tip well at the end – showing restaurant staff some generosity sends a pretty important signal and I believe that you should recognise great service in any case.

When you retire, let the escort drive again. If the ‘business’ still needs to be sorted, do it immediately, it doesn’t matter how good the rapport, if the escort is still hanging out for payment, every passing second is reducing the ‘mood’ of the date. Do it nicely and do it immediately. Further drinks and relaxation, a bit of continued conversation should all ease nicely into what else is to come. Handled well, by both client and escort, dinner dates in my view can be the ultimate format – sexy, relaxing, enjoyable and satisfying on so many levels. The balance of physical and conversational intimacy can be sublime.

Final thoughts.

You may have other privacy, secrecy and other considerations – take care of them as well. Interruptions, calls and other forms of disruption can happen in longer date formats, but do your best to avoid them. Your use of your phone will set a tone for the escort to maybe use (and check) theirs as well. I feel that taking photos and having a relaxed companion who isn’t stressing over what is happening on their phone is best, so some mobile use makes perfect sense. I must admit however, that lately I have noticed a growing trend of escorts to spend a lot of time on their phones during bookings, it is concerning and off-putting if it is taken to extremes, and can have a big impact on the quality of the date. Make sure you are not the one setting a negative tone for this. My attention is fully on the escort I am with for the duration of the date, sometimes their attention might drift, forgive them for this, as anything else just robs you of your own experience.

Not everyone can afford the cost of a dinner date. It isn’t just the extended booking, in addition the meal, hotel, drinks and associated costs can add up to a large amount. I never add this up, but some people don’t have that luxury. I would however suggest that if you can undertake this form of booking every now and again, do so, it is in my humble opinion the best mix of long and short bookings, and can make for a most amazing experience.

Some of my dinner dates will permanently reside in my memory among my all-time best moments. In fact I have discussed two of those memories in Degustation Dream and Harbour Lights – both simply perfect dinner bookings.

Dining with a beautiful and intelligent woman is a most wonderful experience.

Thank you readership. Thanks also Zoe and Anya for comments on the original version of this article. New thoughts, comments, insights and your own experiences much appreciated. Please share and comment if you feel inclined.

Xx SP 14 March 2017 (article updated 8 May 2017).

 

Hurt feelings

When I started, I never expected to hurt anyone’s feelings.

New world, strange expectations!

When I look back to the beginning of my own journey, for some reason I felt that the whole reason for seeing an escort was to avoid entanglement. Oh, and of course to see someone that you could never get to meet in real life. It was a very simplistic view of the escort world.

I didn’t expect that I would get hurt feelings. I certainly never expected that I would hurt anyone else’s feelings. In the early days, I foolishly believed that I wouldn’t have strong feelings for the escorts I met, and it didn’t even enter my head, that a few escorts may have feelings for me!

HotelRoom

A double life – you’re not a ‘muggle’ anymore.

So the first feelings hurt were my own. I have a slightly addictive personality as well as a typical male’s needy one. I also fall in love relatively easily.  That is a dangerous cocktail of emotional need, connection and human addiction. So when I first started re-booking and then seeing certain escorts regularly, their commentary about other great experiences and other great clients hurt my ego a little. I found out, that I had pretty strong feelings for some of these wonderful women.

Initially, I didn’t think that I wanted to be ‘special’ in their lives, but I found that was becoming increasingly important to me, with some of the regular escorts I was seeing – and if I’m being honest, knowing that in a number of these cases, I wasn’t at all special to them, hurt! It hurt like a ‘mother-fucker’.

So to some degree, I got over this. I spent a long-time ‘smacking myself in the face’ with logic. To some degree this worked, I understood that just getting a little friendly message between bookings, or a slight overstay, or just general authentic and honest interest in my life (as well as being allowed to re-book of course), were all signals that I was at least an appreciated client. I took strength from those small but sweet gifts of attention and interest. What I still didn’t realise, in slightly hardening myself against the personal hurt, was that some of these escorts also had some feelings for me. Beyond the basic business of ‘playing the companion’, some of the escorts I met, actually liked me just a little.

Hurting an escort’s feelings.

Everyone is different and so is every escort. This is obvious but important, as everyone’s tolerance for pretty much anything is different. The idiot that I am, I thought that a professional escort would not be hurt by knowing that I was seeing other escorts, after all, they were seeing so many other men (and women). That idea, along with a number of others I held as a ‘newly-minted’ client, was wrong in a number of instances.

Many escorts like to ‘turn a blind eye’ to what their clients do when not with them, just as I liked to do the same in reverse. For some escorts, perhaps it comes down to professional competitiveness and business risk (loosing a client), for others however, it is a genuine human interconnection, and being aware of the truth (especially in detail) can hurt. It really doesn’t matter whether you are a client or an escort – feelings are feelings.

Maybe it is not always a deep hurt, but some pain and discomfort at least. I was unaware of this, as I was telling myself the ‘logical story’ that of course ‘why would any escort actually care for me’. In that ignorance, I was oblivious to the fact that the details of my other bookings, and certain escort-related actions, were hurting the feelings of some of the escorts to whom I had become the most connected with. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I was mortified when I found out that I had.

The extreme cases.

Not only do I have strong feelings for a number of escorts that I have met, I may have actually fallen in love with at least two of them, a story that I added a specific blog article about called ‘Loving an Escort’ that goes into greater detail. I know that this level of feeling isn’t reciprocated, it isn’t even reasonable, and in many ways it could even be seen as creepy.

All it really means in practice is that the ‘hurts’ are far stronger. It is very hard for any of us to feel forgotten, or hold a level of interest in someone that isn’t reciprocated. Often clients feel this, as a significant part of the whole industry is for clients to ‘experience’ what it is like to be with a Girlfriend (GFE bookings). If that ‘Girlfriend’ illusion is strong and residual, it is difficult for clients watching as their ‘temporary Girlfriend’ goes about being a professional companion, marketing and promoting their business, their clients and their experiences. It can be even harder watching some escorts denounce clients in general as awful, tragic and broken people.

For me, the personal benefits of continuing to enjoy these relationships is more than worth the hurt. Some of the feelings need to be buried deep and not openly expressed – freaking someone out with adoration is only going to end the connection. The ‘heart wants what the heart wants’ but that doesn’t mean that you need to freak people out with it. Staying cool is a valuable skill but a hard lesson to learn. It is one that I am still on a journey to learning.

A double life or a multiple life – what is the answer?

So coming back to the beginning, I went into being a client of escorts and started a ‘double-life’. I never thought that in the ‘client-world’, things would need to be further compartmentalized and that ‘secrets within secrets’ might become a requirement. I sometimes think that the only answer to avoiding ‘causing pain’ is to move into a ‘multiple-life’ of even greater division and secrecy – I am however not ready for that, it seems a step too far.

The alternative is to understand and even embrace that some level of pain goes along with joy, ecstasy and love. Maybe I need to feel pain to know that I’m alive, just as much as I need to experience the classically positive emotions. In fact we can’t really feel joy, love, happiness and ecstasy without it contrasting against other darker moments in our lives – light and shade.

Maybe some escorts need to realise this too. If they are feeling client induced pain from a strong connection, maybe that is a good thing. They are alive, the work has emotional meaning, and they probably have a client who is going to be around for a long time! Assuming that both can stay-in-the-moment and not expect or demand more from the connection than the other is willing or able to give. Of course I added a blog post on that thought too, called ‘Staying in the Moment’.

Being a regular client of amazing escorts isn’t the simple magical world that I thought it was, but I’m never going back to a ‘muggle’ life. Perhaps with the added layers and complexity it is an even better world.

Thank you for you readership. Please feel free to share, comment, disagree, I’m am always happy for your thoughts and input. Of course this is the view of one simple client, and I am not speaking for others. Thanks also for the comments on the original version of the article from Jack and Bella.

Xx SP 11 March 2017 (article updated 8 May 2017)

 

Am I a time-waster?

What creates an online time-waster? Some thoughts …

It isn’t nice to be branded a time-waster!

Yet every client on social media will have been told, at one point or another, that they are a time-waster, some equivalent of “make a booking or get off social media” and stop engaging with ‘us’ here.

I know not every escort passes this judgement, but in dark moments and dark moods, or in the midst of a more disagreeable exchange, it is easy to say … “punters who like social media go away, you are just wasting my time!”

TimeShot

Time-wasting and ‘pre-meeting’ social media connections.

In as much as my social media use can be considered typical, there are several reasons for me to be on Twitter and maintaining some contact (personal message, text and email) with certain escorts. Perhaps the best way to consider this is within ‘stages of connection’. What ‘steps’ are happening in the social media channels.

The first classical marketing stage would be awareness. A prospective client may become aware of an escort through any number of methods, including key websites such as Scarlet Blue, PP, AA and so on. Of course clients will be ‘aware’ faster if they are seeing posts from these sites in their social media feeds, and actually helping with awareness if they are re-posting or commenting on them, and thereby putting them in other people’s social feeds as well.

After awareness comes consideration, would I like to meet? Some escorts believe clients should silently observe escort’s social media posts and make this decision by reading content alone – essentially stalk but don’t engage. The ‘dialogue’ between social media active clients and social media active escorts however can be part of the consideration process, not only for the ‘prospective client’ that is engaged, but also for others that are observing. In all honesty, I have gone ‘cold’ on the idea of meeting certain escorts when I see how they treat prospective clients and their fellow workers within social channels. Rightly or wrongly, it is the feeling of ‘dodging a bullet’ in the same way workers feel when they avoid what looks like an apparent bad booking when a ‘jerk reveals their colours’.

‘Post-meeting’ social media connection.

Things can get even worse once a booking has happened. In the marketing area of post-purchase satisfaction, many clients (and possibly a few escorts as well) are looking for the ‘booking’ to be mentioned in some way. Personal messages, public messages, reviews and many other possible communication options send a signal. A client considering re-booking or becoming a regular is also looking for cues, feedback and knowing more about the escort.

This can look like ‘time-wasting’ to everyone else not involved, and can even look like time-wasting to the escort in question. Public content also has the problem of clashing with straight marketing for new clients and also possibly with other trusted and loyal regulars – this area is a minefield. It may be complicated and need to fit with other requirements, but it shouldn’t be classed as time-wasting.

I don’t think there is an easy answer, but for anyone who thinks clients should ‘be seen and not heard’ and not be active in social media channels, perhaps consider that everyone has different communication needs and a different social interaction and the channels (talking mainly Twitter here) are themselves not meant to be one-sided or ‘out-of-bounds’ for any group in any part of the modern online social world.

My time is my own to use as I wish and so is yours, if I am a time-waster for you, then don’t let me use your time, but don’t try and classify me for everyone else with a different view of the world, or people who know first-hand that I am not wasting their time.

It isn’t you I’m saying this too anyway, as that audience wouldn’t have made it here to the end of the article. Your thoughts and experiences are most welcome.

Xx SP 9 March 2017 (article updated on 7 May 2017).

Making it Regular

Building a regular client-escort relationship. Some thoughts …

Dynamics of regular client-escort relationships.

If you’ve been a client of escorts for any length of time, you will probably end up with a regular (or maybe a few) regular escorts. Every successful escort is also more than likely to have their group of regular clients as well.

Maintaining this connection can be enjoyable, fulfilling and highly desirable, it can also be a huge challenge. This article starts an exploration of the topic of ‘regulars’.

KitKats

So who chooses to make it a ‘regular’ situation?

Perhaps the general thinking is that it is the client. The client makes a decision, finding an escort that works for them, in whatever way is important, and then progressively makes further regular bookings.

I think however that astute escorts should also (and do also) play perhaps the major role in this dynamic, effectively choosing the clients that they would ‘like’ as regulars and then making it appealing for these clients to ‘stick’ in a regular booking relationship for as long as it lasts.

We can’t all be regulars! There is maths involved in availability.

Many clients make multiple bookings. For escorts, winning these new clients (in the marketing sense) can be hard work, and the idea of developing a cohort of established, regular and financially valuable clients makes a sensible part of any business strategy. So a successful escort, attracting clients and making the volume of bookings that they want, may ultimately have a quantity of regular clients that makes sense for their individual business model.

These regulars can be ‘chosen’ at random, as the end result of clients choosing, of their own accord, who they want to ‘repeat book’. Alternatively, an escort can play a role in choosing the ‘type of client’ that they want as one of their regulars. After all we can all only have so many regulars, so it makes sense for all involved to participate actively in this ‘choice’. An escort should maximise her business for the best possible fit and results, and ‘choose’ the clients that best make this happen.

How do we choose each other as regulars?

Perhaps I am not as good a client as I think, but my experience is that there is little incentive offered by most escorts to ‘hold’ regular clients – at least from my observation and discussions. I am not talking about special deals, pricing or ‘frequent flyer’ type arrangements, I am simply talking about classical ‘client relationship’ hooks. Special communication, notification of availability and desire to ‘catch-up’, small signs of appreciation, ideas for future bookings and any extra dose of incentive, matched to the escorts individuality, that will hold the attention of a client they would like as a regular over the competing forces that may ‘drag them away’. After all, holding a regular and reliable client makes business sense – it is by definition generally more reliable, safer, easier (if the selection is right) and hopefully more mutually enjoyable.

So why does this fail so often?

I’m still getting my head around this and there is clearly no single reason. The obvious reasons include clients and escorts retiring or changing their habits, desires or any other aspect of their ‘way of operating’. Financial situations change, successful escorts may ‘price themselves’ out of a former regular’s financial capacity or other financial details may change. People grow apart, or things do not ‘improve’, even in the unusual client-escort relationship world, relationship dynamics happen.

There is also the whole industry force of ‘swapping’ – the client finds a new favorite or the reverse happens and the escort has a new, preferred group of regular clientèle. The group of forces that perhaps intrigue me more, are even more subversive, sub-conscious and oh so human. I’m calling these reasons for the failure of regular ‘client-escort’ relationships … The Test!

So what is The Test?

We all know something about clients ‘choosing’ particular escorts for the first time and also the screening and other reverse ‘selection’ or perhaps more appropriately ‘approval’ processes that escorts use in varying ways. Far less discussion exists around what happens in terms of ‘additional filtering and selection’ in later dates. I have come to call this The Test.

It can be anything. It is also generally administered by both the escort and the client (usually very differently and at different times), but it is almost always to ‘test’ that there is a regular relationship and it is most likely not even a conscious act. A client may ask for a favour, expect more time, something to be said, a special thank-you or just be surprisingly obnoxious. What the client is looking for, is some sign from the escort that they have a ‘special’ relationship.

If they don’t get a sign, or worse yet a degradation in the relationship, it is likely that there won’t be many more bookings. This isn’t restricted to clients. Escorts may also ‘test a client’, to see if they are ‘above others’ in the mind of the client and similar unusual behaviours may be sub-consciously conducted to see ‘will my regular still re-book’ and therefore is our relationship special. These are self-destructive human actions that happen all the time and more often than not end the regular relationship over time.

It is strange that we don’t do ‘deliberately positive’ reinforcements more often, maybe we are hard-wired to test our friends, lovers and even paid or paying partners. I think the study of this alone would be interesting work, but as usual the psychology or sociology of sex-work is almost as taboo in society’s thinking as the act.

So what does it all mean?

Don’t ask me, I can’t work all this complexity out. The only thing I know is that my success rate for the ‘testing dynamic’ isn’t that great. I’ve lost two regulars because we ‘tested’ each other, before I even knew that this was a thing. I survived another, where I am ashamed to say, I was the one doing the testing (not deliberately of course), but now that I look backwards, I can see that she is a very special person to have survived what I ‘tested’ her with. It has probably made our connection weaker, but now that I am aware of my physiological weakness here, I am determined to use positive relationship building rather than accidentally stress-testing it to see if it holds. In other cases, I hope that I can see this coming and also recognise if an escort is ‘testing me’, rather than just the situation where we are not compatible as regulars.

Sorry no profound answers here, but hopefully something for you to consider in your own journey.

Xx SP 8 March 2017 (article updated 6 May 2017).

OMG Escort Rates

One client’s perspective on escort rates – yes I went there!

Don’t talk about rates! Pay what is asked!

These are the two golden rules of rates when it comes to clients and escorts. Don’t talk about rates, don’t talk about rates, don’t talk about rates! Pay what is asked or walk away!

So why, in only my second blog article, am I tackling possibly the most controversial topic of all? Plus why did I come back on 3 May and add some edits to this article? Crazy?

MoneyRates

Rates from one clients perspective.

Perhaps the third rule is ‘don’t discuss what role rates play’ in the escort and client dynamic and client’s decision making process. Now here is some territory that perhaps isn’t that well understood, because we never really talk about it. So remembering that this is only my perspective, here we go …

Why does an escort charge a certain rate?

At some level this is market forces at work, the same as almost any service industry, but with some major differences. A client normally doesn’t know, and shouldn’t know the basis of an individual escort’s rate decisions. Maybe the escort only wants a certain volume of bookings and lifts their price to reduce quantity, as a result maximising their earning potential from a lower volume approach. Maybe it is the opposite, and rates are lower to maximise the quantity of bookings and win new clients in a full-time, higher volume approach. That decision is private and largely secret.

There are a huge number of personal and business reasons for choosing a particular set of rates and that is entirely up to the escort – end of discussion. Something many clients (my past mistakes included) take some time to learn. As a client, when you would like to see a particular escort, and feel that their rate is higher than your payment comfort level – walk away. Almost no discussion past this point ends well.

Why does a client choose to book at certain rate(s)?

Again this is private for many of the same reasons: volume, personal finances, preferred booking format (duration and type) and again a host of other private reasons. So all I can speak to is my own experience. Over time I have settled into a preferred booking type (duration) that I mix around a little for both new experiences and some variety. I also have a preferred pricing rate, or more accurately a pricing range, that again I play around with from time to time. I am fairly comfortable with where I fit, and the type of escorts that I generally like to see.

The reason for the ‘format’ preference is that it works best for my personality, desires and comfort within a booking. The reason for the rate-range is that it is where most of the escorts I see regularly price their service. Purchasing comfort, and after a while a sense of fairness and loyalty, as much as anything else, keeps me largely within that preferred rate range.

Everyone’s range and preference is different, and they shouldn’t be shamed, just as every escort’s rate can be different, and they shouldn’t be shamed or questioned either. Both the escort’s pricing decision and the client’s buying decision should be respected – where they match bookings should occur, and where they don’t match, bookings should not occur. It’s pretty simple at that level, when we keep entitlement, jealousy, competitiveness and other comparisons out of the mix and decision process.

What are the signals given by rate choices?

There are however many signals given to prospective clients by selecting certain rates and rate structures. I say prospective clients, because rates are part of the escort’s ‘marketing mix’ before a client has seen that escort. After the first meeting, the price may be a future barrier or incentive to re-booking, but it isn’t simply about first-booking marketing any more. For prospective clients, the time lengths and booking selections on offer and their price differences ‘say something’ about the escort, their preferences and ‘booking type’ fit. Here are a couple of over-simplified examples.

If an escort has a reducing scale for longer bookings it tends to signal a preference for longer dates (compared to more hours being on the same unchanging hourly rate). If a dinner booking is significantly less than the same number of hours for a comparable straight booking, then it signals that dinner is a preferred booking (especially if the escort says as much and talks about food and dining in their profile). If overnight and weekend rates have a significant reduction, then once again a signal is sent. This may not be true or even the deliberate intention of the escort, but it is the signal that is sent to a potential first time client. These pricing signals combine with photos, bios, social media and other elements in the client’s selection of who they are going to try and book.

Value and cost, or if you prefer, the apparent hierarchy of escort rates?

This is possibly where most of the angst about rates comes from – what is an escort worth? How do they compare? What does a higher rate buy? I don’t like or even agree with any of these questions for the following reasons that I hope are obvious.

The escort-client booking is almost unique compared to most other financial transactions. The difference between a good experience and a bad experience is as far apart as any service can be. A client can spend the same amount of money with two escorts and have, in one case the best experience of their life, and in the other case an experience they would wish to forget – one is priceless, the other (at best) is a waste of money. For an escort, the gulf between good and bad is even more profound – it is the enormous gap between an enjoyable connection and putting their life at risk – the full range of possibilities that exist in human interaction, one is relatively easy money and the other is not worth any amount of money.

Put another way, one extreme asks the question – why wouldn’t everyone want to do this? The other extreme – why would anyone do this? This dialogue leads into perceptions, society, bad clients, good clients, sexism and a host of topics for another time (which as at the time of updating this article in May, I still haven’t had the courage to tackle). Within these ranges, talk of ‘is it worth the money’ is almost nonsensical. Personally I have had experiences that I will never forget and I have also had ones that I wish I had forgotten already – at those extremes, the value for money conversation makes no sense at all.

An escort is far more than their rate.

The range of experience and quality has very little to do with pricing and rate. It also varies enormously between one encounter where there is a good connection and another encounter where the client and escort simply don’t ‘click’. Depending upon needs, connection and a host of non-monetary ‘compatibility’ elements, the connection between escort and client is largely independent of rate. My experiences do not correlate at all with rate. I have had mind-blowing bookings with ‘lower-rate’ escorts and not-so-great ones with ‘higher-rate’ escorts. Really after the booking is made, a client should try and forget the rate and enjoy the ‘date’ as by that point, the amount spent has lost any relevance on the experience. The trick is finding where the balance lies and then sticking with it as much as possible – specifically the dynamic of ‘regulars’ (a topic I covered after this initial article, looking at rates and the impact on maintaining ongoing ‘regular’ client-escort connections).

So an escort chooses their rate as an earning and business decision, it is not a reflection of their value – any quality escort is ‘worth’ so much more than their ‘rate’. An escort is selling a service, provided personally for a set time – they are not selling themselves and as a result the rate is their pricing on the value of their service, it is not their personal value.

For a client, their spending rate is also a capacity and personal decision, it should not be seen as stating or inferring value and a good client knows that they are getting more than their money is worth, and for that reason, clients should ‘add value’ to the date. Clients should ‘bring additional value’ with manners, a nice environment, being at our best (attire, hygiene, cleanliness, sober and in a good frame-of-mind) and anything else that shows real value for another human being’s time, where money does not. Clients who think about ‘giving more than their money’ are generally going to get a far better experience, and the value and enjoyment is increased for both the client and escort alike.

More to say?

I had hoped to get into regulars, rate changes, discounting, gifts and other connected topics, but this is already too long an article, so more another day. A little of this was added later under ‘Discounts, promos and rates’ if you are interested in that follow up article. Obviously I am interested in your comments and thoughts. This is only my view, so please don’t get into heated debate. I am only speaking for myself and my experience, not for every client and certainly not for escorts – please add your perspective here in comments if you want or through discussion on Twitter.

Thanks so much for your readership!

Xx SP 7 March 2017 (article updated 3 May 2017).