Why Am I A Target?

Some personal thoughts on why I attract hatred.

It has been a challenging year, this annus horribilis of mine! I know many people struggle with far more than I have, perhaps you are in a dark place too, but we all have our own journey. For me, 2017 has been the worst year that I can remember.

Perhaps that is the real reason some people react to my writing and my Social Media with unbridled hatred. Seeing a privileged, pretentious and entitled middle-aged man, who thinks that his struggles are of significance. Of course, seeing someone who looks like they have ‘almost everything’, complaining about things, is a magnet for feelings of anger. Hell, I would hate me too … except that I am me!

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So Why Is 2017 A Bad Year For Percie?

Like most of us, I have certain perceptions of myself. This year has shaken them all, with the possible exception of my health. So yes, this year could still get far worse. Without going into great detail, at the beginning of 2017, I thought I was a good parent, a good business manager, a good friend, and fun to be around. On the negatives, my perception of being a good husband was already ‘in the toilet’, but I felt I was still a good family provider. In place of that, and relatively new to my self-perception, I felt that I was a good client of the Escorts that I was seeing, at least those that I had an on-going connection with. As I have said before in this blog, 2016 was the best year of my life by a country mile!

At the start of 2017, my business lost our biggest client, one that accounted for a quarter of our income. I had to fire some staff, close an office, and the rest of the year has amounted to a difficult rebuilding of a crippled business.  That has taken a heavy personal toll on me, and broken my arrogant self-perception. I don’t feel like a good business manager any more. I feel like an imposter who is out of his depth.

Then one of my wonderful Daughters tried to take her own life. I raced back from inter-state in a trance, my world had collapsed. At first it was just emergency stations, being strong and focused, so that everything could be directed at her health and safety. Slowly, over the balance of this year, we have become accustomed to this ‘new normal’, a house that is working around a profoundly depressed teen, and the collateral damage that causes for her sisters and the broader family. She is still here, an everyday battle, but we have had some victories and seen some progress. It is now, that the ’emergency’ seems to be passing, that I have realised how drained and low I am. The tank is running on empty.

This has made me question myself. I am not a good Father, otherwise how could this happen? I am not good at my profession. As a result I am not a good provider, husband or partner. All of my ‘personal image’, these false pillars that I perched myself upon, had crumbled. I knew I wasn’t a faithful or successful husband, seeking intimacy, physical connection and a last-gasp of youthfulness in secret, with Escorts. I knew my long monogamous relationship was coming to an end, and now even that painful but needed transition seemed a long way off. I needed to hang in there, be strong, and as much as I could, subsume my personal intimate desires for a while. I came very close to ending my year-long journey as a client of Escorts. But I am weak, and was not able to say goodbye to companions that I had come to love. My weakness became just another reason for starting to hate myself.

Enter Percie Blakeney!

The one thing that seemed to be ‘going well’, at the start of 2017, was my journey as a client of Escorts. Sure, in my first year I had made mistakes, they are documented throughout this blog. Silly, naive, social media posts, offering concert tickets publicly, and other minor mistakes made by an inexperienced (but public) client, and a man who hadn’t ‘dated’ in two-decades or had any level of sexual intimacy in almost half that time.

So what did I do? I directed some energy, almost as a personal release and self-therapy to writing a blog about the part of my life where I felt happy, comfortable and was free from the other dark corners of my life. I re-vamped an old Twitter account, and I started a blog, this blog, in March 2017. Stupid in retrospect, but that is what happened.

Given what was transpiring elsewhere in my life, and also the nature of a ‘self-reflective blog’, the topics covered related to things that challenged me or played on my mind. As a result, the articles reek of overthinking, narcissism, melancholy and a naive view of what can and should exist between client and Escort. All of this is true, part of my own journey and coming to terms with jealousy, love, abandonment, hope, and a full-range of other feelings on an emotional roller-coaster, made even more pronounced by what else was happening in my life.

Some people, especially some other middle-aged travelers (fellow clients) found resonance in these topics. Some Escorts, I feel those who have struggled with feelings for clients themselves, are romantic at heart, or tolerant and understanding about what certain clients feel, also saw some merit in my content. There were, and are, many Escorts and some clients who see a ‘red flag’ and feel intense anger at some of the things that I have written about, or what they have assumed about me as a result.

The Last Pillar Falls.

I felt that I was one of the most mentally strong people that I knew, having weathered a difficult childhood, bullying, and later in life a range of business challenges. Wow, what a delusion. Those lies that we tell ourselves. With my fatherhood, my marriage, my business all in turmoil, being trolled online, attacked by haters, and in some quarters bullied in this space, well that cocktail of 2017 poison got under my skin far more than it should have.

It hurt me more than I thought it would, and I didn’t always react well. With my tone at times becoming snarky, and occasionally engaging in debate with Escorts, showing hints of disappointment and distress, well that is a recipe for receiving more of the same. Show weakness or biting back, either action can bring down the wrath of others with an axe to grind.

Then apparently, in the minds of some, I became the ‘poster guy’ for disrespecting the industry. I thought I was celebrating it. Showing how amazing the providers are, how joyful the experiences are, how strongly emotive it can be and how a sensitive client might be able to navigate these emotionally challenging waters. I thought I was on the same side, supporting sex-work as an enriching and positive part of society. But no! My ‘light-hearted’ experience masquerading as a one-time male-Escort was apparently offensive. The idea that I might write a book, which might say revealing things, that might disrespect someone, well that was apparently offensive as well. Of course no one asked any questions, or read what type of person I was. These people that don’t know me, all assumed the worst, and made ridiculous and unfounded accusations. Not happy to just attack me, they were also happy to turn on anyone that supported me or disagreed with their militant and fun-less ‘take on things’.

Of course being in a weak state to resist this negativity, any sane person would wonder why I continued to blog. I wonder that often myself. I think the answer is because if I ‘gave it up’, it would be my last surrender in a sh^t storm of a year, in every part of my life. Complete surrender. The few people that kept sustaining me, supporting me, encouraging me to be me, stay on Twitter, keep writing and stay in contact, were a salve for my soul. Their positivity and support was stronger than the voices who didn’t know me and just decided I was good fun to kick in the teeth.

I think my blog is the only one by a ‘client of Escorts’ in Australia (I hope that is wrong by the way – but I’m not aware of any others), perhaps it is the only one even further afield. An oddity, by an odd, sad and naive little man. So I guess that makes it an even bigger target for people who don’t like client voices at all. It also made me feel that I if stopped, I wasn’t just giving in to the abuse, but I was letting certain other people down, those who had supported me, and a few loyal readers who seemed to have come to enjoy the conversations. I also enjoyed talking with them, an oasis from my real-life collapse.

My Lowest Point

Then in May 2017, my closest and longest-lasting companion retired suddenly. Of course, in true annus horribilis style that wasn’t all. Another close Escort broke off her connection to me with extremely aggressive verbal abuse. It may have been to end her own journey, making sure none of her closer clients tried to connect with her in post-retirement. Perhaps she just detested me all along. I also mistakenly thought that another adored companion was leaving to take up a full-time ‘patronage’ arrangement.

My three closest companions seeming to vanish at the same time, one retiring, one ‘spoken for’, and the third telling me I was a ‘piece of sh^t’. No, of course that wasn’t enough for a truly bad year! My online troll was at their zenith, another Escort I had met twice was actively disparaging me, someone else was going around the industry telling others that I was the reemergence of some ‘evil blogger’ from 2011. It sounds unbelievable even to me, a writer of fiction wouldn’t have so many story threads running at one time. Just to rub ‘salt-on-the-wound’, another Escort I respected immensely, told me that the trolling was probably ‘all in my mind’. Other close Escort connections from before I started blogging seemed to be ‘distancing themselves’ from me, as a result of the blog and the negative industry attention that I was starting to get. Hell, I would have done the same if I was in their shoes.

I started to fully believe the negative voices: ‘you’re not cut out to be a John’, ‘you shouldn’t be allowed to be a client’, ‘you’re a sad loser’, ‘entitled narcissist’, ‘if I saw you in the street, I would run you over’, ‘I’m going to out you and destroy your career’, and ‘once you stop paying, no one you have ever booked will ever think of you again, or ever make contact – you’ll die a sad, lonely and broke old man’. The last one got to me the most. This clever person had worked out what I thought to myself in the darkest moments. Exactly what someone like me says to themselves, when they are at their darkest ebb.

Even still, I tried to stand strong, keep writing, pretend it wasn’t really getting to me. The problem is my self-belief collapsed under this relentless attack from every direction. Mostly distress at my daughter’s illness, compounded by my business issues, and then my last remaining resolve just ‘bleeding-out’ with these little additional cuts, coming from the darker parts of this industry.

I was in a strange place. I was loosing the ability to make decisions, stick to things and see clearly. I was flip-flopping on a weekly, daily and sometimes hourly basis. Celebrating one day, a cry for help the next. Supporting someone online one minute, and then fishing for support or endorsement the next. I would talk about writing more blogs, then say online that I was about to quit. This indecisiveness and changing persona must look from the outside like madness – it certainly brought even more vultures in to pick over my online carcass.

Apparently in the eyes of some, I had to make a decision, or be a certain way, and then stick to it. I’m not sure why people care if I change my mind a thousand times, but apparently that isn’t allowed. Somehow, changing my mind was even seen as proof of my apparent disrespect for the industry. I don’t get that logic either.

I have been blocked by one Escort I have met and one fellow client I have met. I have been blocked by dozens of Escort’s, photographers, clients and industry followers that I have never met. I’m sure that I’m on some people’s ‘bad client’ list(s), although no one has ever told me why, what it is that makes me a bad client. I have many times started to think they must be right, and if they really wanted me to believe it, my last barrier would fall if they just gave me that final reason. What is the harm that Percie has caused for which he should disappear? You can see how close I have come from abuse alone, provide one logical reason, and given where I stand at the moment emotionally – you could save the industry from me in one fell swoop.

Where To From Here?

I don’t know. I have lost another real-life friend recently and I am at that age where others are battling health issues and others will fall soon as well. As I said at the start, I at least have my health. My youth will soon be gone. My long-term relationship is likely to end for good and for bad before long. My business will recover, it is recovering, and I hope that next year, that problem at the very least will be gone. Most of all, my Daughter is still here with us, and we are making slow process, sometimes forwards, sometimes backwards, but she is alive and I love her and I am doing everything that I can to keep her here. She is a truly beautiful person and the world needs her far more than me.

I loved my companion that retired this year. I know that was stupid, but the heart wants what the heart wants. My processing of that absence in my life has made me worse. I am worse to be around, I am a miserable melancholy soul, beating myself up for my own tragic feelings, impossible love, failures and roller-coaster decisions and moods.

Then there are others that I love too. As I have said, many Escorts are simply the most amazing people I have ever met. For whatever reason, they feel like ‘my tribe’, even if I am not welcome in theirs. There are a few in particular that I have feelings for at a level that I shouldn’t. This multi-person love makes me think I can no longer consider myself monogamous or at least permanently monogamous. That is a very unexpected change in my consciousness and a surprising outcome from my journey as a client of Escorts. Also surprising to me, is my still growing desire for emotional experiences, and deeper explorations of my truest feelings. The ‘me’ of ten-years ago would not even recognise the person that is here now on this journey.

This change is what I am hanging on to. The idea that it is a profound transition, that is taking me somewhere new, and making me a better person. At the moment my moods, flakiness and struggles to get past certain things, are making me a problem. My writing is erratic. Until I can finishing processing some losses and struggles, I don’t think I make a very good client for the Escort’s that care for me the most. I wonder why they persevere with me, and I struggle to believe their generosity and friendship is real. In part because my experience with other Escort endings has been hard, final and in some cases traumatic. Also because I am struggling in general, and not always listening to good-voices. Mostly because at the moment I don’t think that I am worthy of their care.

I could leave for a while. I could quit being a client for good. I could leave Australia and travel. I could stop writing. I could do more writing. I could do nothing different at all, and just keep swinging like a pendulum between joy and misery, driving those audiences that hate me on to even greater hatred. I really don’t know. My feeling is that I will try and just write and post while I am positive, go into hibernation when I’m not, and see out the rest of this year. I see 2018 being positive, I am envisioning it, I am taking steps to feel like I am in that space already, and that it is my new reality. A return to how I felt in 2016, but with more love, more to offer and as a better friend to those that I love.

I apologise to anyone I have upset or offended as Percie Blakeney. I pledge that I have never and will never disrespect this industry and its ethical participants. I apologise to myself in as much as I can manage it at the moment. Mostly, I apologise to the companions that I have grown to love, each in different ways, for my flakiness, my neediness and for whatever lies in store.

There are so many reasons in this article to hate me even more, but maybe if targeting me is your response, you know a bit more about the person on the other end, and maybe this time leave other people out of it.

Thank you!

Xx SP 16 October 2017.

“… Where are you now
Was it all in my fantasy
Where are you now
Were you only imaginary …”

Alan Walker

My Client Stages

How my journey as a client of Escorts has changed over time.

It seems strange looking backwards, to think that my journey as a ‘Client of Escorts’ has clear and distinct stages. Some relatively identifiable transitions and noticeably different periods. As I reflected on my journey in preparation for this unusual blog article, I felt great joy, but also rather profound sadness. Thinking about these phases is in many ways a personal meditation on the extreme highs and lows of my journey.

I am not suggesting that these stages apply to every client that sees multiple escorts and is active over an extended period. It is just what happened to me, so far, along the pathway of a two year adventure.

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The Beginning – Discovery Stage

I have written previously on how I began as a client, especially in the article ‘Becoming A Client’. Here I am talking in a less personal and more collective sense. A reflection on phases. Beginning with my first six-months as a client of the Escort industry. I don’t know how to explain this stage without sharing some numbers. Something that I have avoided in this blog until now, but my personal actions and the clarity of these stages, needs some explanation and some detail.

Over the first six-months, I met twelve Escorts. By the end of that first six-months, the three that I had connected with the most, I had met ten, eight and seven times respectively. Yes, I was hooked early and I did have a lot of bookings. I was careful in research back then, taking a long time to choose who I wanted to see. I selected in a slow and considered process, from a combination of online profiles and close observation of what these Escorts seemed to be like on social media.

I chose well. I was also infatuated with the Escorts that I met. It was such an exciting change from the lonely years that predated this journey. I liked pretty much all of the Escorts that I met, and I wanted to keep seeing all of them. I was trying to keep a growing number of connections open, and progress the strengthening connection with each of these different but amazing women. By the end of six-months, the only way that I could keep doing this, was to make more frequent bookings.

I was starting to realise that I couldn’t meet many new people and still keep seeing the Escorts that I had already met. As the first six-months came to an end, I came to my first sad realisation. This discovery dynamic of meeting new people, while continuing to see others I had met as well, just couldn’t keep going in the same way. It is pretty simple maths really, but who wants to consider maths in this type of emotional situation.

There is some change that comes with time in any case. Out of the first twelve Escorts that I met, four have since retired from the industry. In another two cases, the Escort is based somewhere that I don’t get to travel to very often, and as a result, they were single booking encounters. In three other cases, some of which you may have already read about on my blog, our individual connection ended. Often the ‘endings’ were not particularly pleasant. They never ended ‘within a booking’, but in the messages, complexity and communication spaces that sit in between these fantasy moments.

In fact the three ‘Escort relationships’ I have had that ended the most awkwardly, all started within this ‘beginning period’ and then ended in the next stage of my journey. I had fourteen, thirteen and eleven bookings with these three lovely Escorts. Even today, although the various reasons for ending contact were all appropriate, I still miss all three of these intimate connections. The adventures of those first six months were so new and rich with experience, it is hard not to reflect, remember and sometimes miss the sheer newness of that period. I think it was some sort of awakening – it was certainly a period of personal discovery and enjoyment for me.

Three of the wonderful Escorts from this first phase, I am still privileged to continue to book today. The number of total bookings with each of them is climbing, and it is amazing to be building on a connection that includes a lengthening history together. They have been with me as I have moved through these phases and it is hard not to view these connections as friendships, because they feel like deep, intimate and beautiful friendships. After all, they have weathered my changing phases and still agree to see me. They are deeply important women to me. Each in their own way, they have changed me, supported me, loved me, and given my whole journey a continuity that I would be lost without. The beauty in these relationships also protects me in darker moments, and when confronted with some of the less positive aspects of this industry.

The Explosion – Experience Stage

A lot of my blog articles talk about this stage. After all, I didn’t start bloging until I had been a client for over a year, so I was in the later part of this second period when I started to write. Articles like ‘Addicted to Escorts’ are probably a good illustration of this period of wanting to ‘experience it all’. That ‘kid in a candy store’ dynamic has its own set of issues, and I wrote articles like ‘Single Booking Sadness’ and ‘What Went Wrong’ when I was dealing with no longer being able to make repeat bookings with every wonderful Escort that I met.

I am not going to say how many Escorts I met during this period, that is a level of private revelation that I’m not ready to open up to at this stage. What I can say, is that I met a number of amazing women, that had they been bookings in the ‘Discovery Phase’, I would most likely have seen them on more occasions than I ultimately did. With some of these bookings, I think back to the Escort and our one or two bookings with great fondness, and have wondered many times, if I had met them at the start, or now, not while I was in a phase of expanding my experiences, would things have been different. I believe they would. Sometimes it isn’t about ‘who you meet’, it is just as critically about ‘when you meet’. I certainly met some Escorts at the wrong time.

Despite the challenge of trying to balance seeing established regulars with a rush of new first time experiences, I still met some Escorts that I continue to see today. Some are close companions that I have seen on a significant number of occasions. I guess the point that I’m trying to make here, is that a growing regular connection was just ‘less likely’ to start with a client who was going through this crazy expansion period. During this stage, there was an element of ‘loving the thrill’ as much as ‘loving the individuals’.

A lot of the ‘angst’ in my early blog articles came from contradictory emotions that emerged during this stage. A sort of battle between the emotions of desiring experience, learning and discovery, in a tension and conflict with emotions that are about the specific personal connections between two people. In some cases the individual connections got collateral damage from the bigger journey, self-discovery and overall adventure that was happening with me at the time.

The Equilibrium – Settling Stage

More recently, I have come to find some form of equilibrium. I don’t see that many new Escorts that I haven’t met before any longer. It happens, occasionally I want that ‘first-meeting’ adrenaline and thrill again. The chance of meeting another close connection. It happens. Recently I have met a few Escorts that I am thrilled to be getting to know and seeing again. If I hadn’t still had the occasional new booking, I would have missed out on meeting some of the Escorts that I adore. The reality however is that this happens slowly, over a longer period of time, and largely as someone else retires or the connection closes for some other reason with a longer established companion.

Overall I have less bookings, most of them are with people that I feel I have come to know quite well, and I feel that they know something about me too. It is a stage that also has its challenges. It is hard not to fall at least partially in love with someone who you desperately want to stay in your life. Some of the articles like ‘Loving An Escort’ and ‘Staying In The Moment’, talk about the challenges of ‘keeping it about the booking’, when there is a growing interpersonal connection and a person (or people) that you (and I mean of course me) are thinking about regularly. Sneaking into your consciousness and even into your dreams.

With these regular connections, there are songs, smells, places and other triggers that re-make the connection at random times. So it is fine to say, ‘keep it to the booking’, but my mind has a way of filling in the ‘in-between’ places as well. I have found in this more recent phase, the phase that I believe I am still currently in, that the ‘Post-Booking Melancholy’ can be profound and deep. These wonderful women have entered my soul and although I can ‘keep it to the booking’, and respect boundaries and honour the connection, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that is a challenge. It is challenging because there really is a form of love that lives in this space.

Future Stages

I don’t know what else is to come. As I wrote in ‘Changed Man’ recently, there are other sources of changes and forces on my life outside of this journey and inside it as well. I know that other Escorts that I am close to will retire at some point. I know that ‘buying moments’ is unlikely to remain my primary manner of sexual intimacy forever. So there will be other stages, I just don’t know what they are yet. Maybe a different sort of equilibrium, maybe a decline phase, or maybe an extended ‘hiatus’ or ‘gap’. I don’t know. Many of you who read my blog have been clients for much longer than me. Maybe you would like to comment on your own phases. Have you been, gone, come back. Or do you see things very differently to me.

Perhaps if you are at the start, in that wonderful period of discovery. Then the one bit of bad news, or good news, is that the one constant is that things will change. People come into your life and they go out of it. I feel like I have formed some emotional ‘scar tissue’ from having strong feelings, then loss, and then other new strong feelings. There is a pervasive sadness that builds and grows over time, but it is the price of the adventure, the dark contrast to the lightness of amazing memories and experiences. I can’t give up the sadness, because it is the garden that all these amazing experience are growing within. There is no going back, and there is no way in hell that I would ever want to.

For every companion that I have met, I hope that some of this makes sense to you in the way that it does to me. You have all had a profound impact on me, that has made me a better person, and these connections and experiences are still shaping me into an even better man.

To my three companions that remain from the very beginning, I really don’t know how you have stuck with me through this journey. You know that I love you, and I want to say thank you once again!

Thank you as always for your readership. I would love to hear your experiences, your stages and your opinions. To those companions still with me, I truly and deeply thank you for continuing to let me share moments together with you.

Xx SP 12 October 2017

Changed Man

Being a client of escorts has changed me forever …

I am sitting across a restaurant table from someone that I adore. I have been waiting for this moment for weeks, since the booking was originally locked-in. I am excited, nervous, my soul is buzzing. I know that the next four-hours will be amazing, they always are. However, I also know that with every passing minute, this moment is rapidly disappearing. A little piece of perfection, that will soon become another wonderful memory, in a pretend relationship with a regular Escort.

As a middle-aged man, who started this journey after years without love and intimacy, these experiences, this amazing adventure, has filled a void in my life. It has been an incredible ride, way beyond belief and far beyond my expectations. It has also changed me forever. I want more, I need more, I am alive again. I feel the youngest in spirit that I have in over a decade, and the result of this energy is a real personal need for transition.

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My Big Change

I am leaving my loveless and terminally ill relationship. I can’t pretend that an empty marriage, held together by obligation, is an appropriate way to fade into the oblivion of old age. I also can’t keep this secret life going in the way that it has for much longer. The amazing highs, and moments of what feels like real intimacy, have changed me. I am reawakened to intimacy, to love and to possibilities. As a result the gaps in between are getting darker, more melancholy and more depressing. I miss the highs, and I miss the wonderful Escorts, that I have these amazing moments with.

I appreciate that life is a journey with rich interpersonal moments, and I have gravitated to the idea of sharing intimacy with more than one person. However even that isn’t enough. I need someone or some people who are partners on the longer journey with me. I need at least one or two of these relationships of short-moments to have some longer duration. For a deep connection that is about more than the occasional, time-managed, moments. I also need to know that this person wants to be with me, for me, and off-the-clock, not just for the income or the patronage.

This change may not work, it might be impossible for me, a fool’s errand. I may not find anything approaching what I am looking for. Someone with a more open attitude to sharing intimacy than the other relationships I have had in the past. Someone with a more adventurous approach to love, travel, sex, unusual experiences and openness – basically more adventurous in every way.

If I don’t find it, that’s OK! I will come back to Escorts and other ways of sharing moments and intimacy, but I will do it in a far more transparent way. I enjoy being with Escorts, but I don’t enjoy doing it covertly and with permanent risk of discovery. I don’t enjoy living a lie if I don’t have too. When I feel that I am back ‘in personal integrity’ with myself, and honest with anyone that I am in a relationship with, then I want to share a life that is rich with sexual and intimate discovery.

What Brought About This Change?

This has always been a transitional phase of my life, a mid-life crisis if that suits your interpretation. I thought I would have some sex, some fun, and meet some interesting people. I didn’t think that it would completely change my perspective, and it really has fundamentally changed my perspective. I can’t live a boring vanilla life anymore. I can’t imagine a permanent monogamous relationship, where intimacy is confined to only one other person, forever. I want to share pathways, but have access to intimacy and meaning with other people as well.

The other problem that I have, is that once I become single again, I can’t imagine only getting this intimacy and connection from paid bookings with Escorts. It has to be some combination, and some of it needs to be about more than disconnected moments. Part of the journey needs to be with someone where the conversation, desires and plans for the journey ahead are shared. A story with two people in the designer’s seat.

For a while, I think I will need to drop or reduce paying Escorts for personal moments, so that I can see what else is around for me. What options and realities exist for building a more open and transparent connection with a woman that wants something similar.

Thank You!

I owe so much to the Escorts and fellow travelers that I have met. As a result of these experiences, I value myself more. I know some of the amazing things that are possible in a new life for myself. I have sought psychological, physical and emotional improvement. I have lost weight, I am getting fitter, I take more pride in my appearance and I have more fun. I have a sh^t-load of fun!

I am probably not going anywhere for long. I will probably be in touch with a lot of people that I have met on this journey. I will probably make bookings and be intimate with Escorts that I have met and that I adore, but it will be in a new and open way. Who knows, you may see my face, my real name and if I keep this Percie Blakeney character around, it will be because his persona was a valued part of this transition, and a part of the fun.

I don’t know exactly where the journey will take me now, and that is part of the fun. Thank you for getting me here and thank you to those who will be part of the next adventure.

I am not sure whether blogging and social media will still be part of my journey when I get back from my overseas trip. If not, I will leave all of this here for a while. If it is, then no doubt I will have new stories to tell and some may be about relationships and experiences that sit in between Escort bookings. Thank you as always for your readership, especially my repeat offenders and friends.

Xx SP 26 September 2017.

 

Why Multiple Escorts?

The reasons why I book more than one escort.

Why would a client see more than one escort?

The flippant answer would be, because they can! Once someone (once again, I am talking about me), decides to book an escort, the other question would be: Why wouldn’t someone see as many beautiful, amazing and unique escorts as they can, as often as they can?

Of course I could make analogous arguments about different fine dining cuisines, trying different wines and whiskeys, or anything else we do in our lives that we enjoy in both the act and the variety. They may be sound arguments on one level, but here we are talking about people. So I am simply going to explain my current reasons for seeing multiple escorts and see what you think.

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The first-time, the tenth-time and the last-time!

I actually had to stop writing and go for a walk after writing the words ‘last-time’. I will come to the reason for that in a minute, but I can already tell this is going to be a surprisingly hard blog article for me to write as there have been too many ‘last times’, and maybe that is an argument in itself for seeing more than one escort. For now, lets start with adrenaline and excitement.

The excitement of meeting someone new.

There is an adrenaline rush to seeing someone for the first time. The build-up, the novelty, the surprise and the unknown, all come together and make the first booking special in its own way. I have written about how I choose a first booking in ‘Virtual, Physical, and Cerebral’, the online processes of discovery, making choices, and the progression to re-booking and seeing escorts regularly.

The opposite side of novelty and excitement, is leaving little orphan-dates or escort ‘one-night stands’, behind you. It may surprise some people to know that I feel regret, sadness and melancholy at the idea of seeing certain escorts only once. I addressed this in the piece on ‘Single Booking Sadness’. Some clients see all of their escort bookings only once. Their whole exercise is experiencing the novelty, newness and adrenaline rush. I couldn’t do that, the excitement of a first time booking is one reason for seeing multiple escorts, but the feeling of ‘sequel stories remaining untold’, is actually reducing the number of new escorts that I see. I have strong regrets for not seeing a number of these amazing women again – at least up until now. Despite that, excitement, adrenaline and attraction still mean that a ‘first-booking’ remains one good reason for seeing multiple escorts.

Meeting someone for the ‘tenth-time’.

Then there are the individual journeys. There is in my mind, no point in even calling these ‘client-escort’ relationships, as they are unique in every way. The one common thing is that they are still a transaction. The ‘business’ and the livelihood of the escort must be respected and honoured at all times. So along with that comes time limits, rules of conduct and constraints around time-wasting and unfair and unrealistic expectations. At the same time the dynamic is completely different in every case. Completely different as each relationship and what we get from each other varies dramatically.

I have spoken in connection with ‘developing relationships’ more than on any other topic. How repeat and regular connections come about in ‘Making It Regular’. How we can hurt each other in ‘Hurt Feelings’. How these developing relationships can go wrong in ‘What Went Wrong?’, and ‘Escort Relationship Breakdowns’. Even the light-hearted take on chasing escorts that are extra-special in ‘Chasing Unicorns’. The reason for seeing multiple escorts, when it is connected to developing relationships, is as unique as the relationships themselves.

I see some escorts because I am actually in love with them or at least the idea of a continuing developing relationship with them (within the boundaries of it still remaining a escort-client transaction). I guess it is a ‘love of our moments together’, rather than a more traditional relationship. I know that this isn’t necessarily a healthy thing, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I agonize about this, the appropriateness of these feelings, as well as how to manage them and not drive the adored escort away. Some of the hardest articles for me to write were ‘Loving an Escort’, and ‘Friends and Lovers’, both heavily loaded with thinking about these powerful and consuming connections. The hardest of all was ‘My End of Summer’ detailing the end of a long connection of bookings with a regular – always respecting the ‘business’ and the escort transaction. I have no choice really, I need to keep seeing these escorts for as long as they will continue to have me, knowing all along that the end will arrive at some point.

Heading towards the ‘tenth-time’.

Then there are other great women who I am earlier on the journey with, or have a different connection with. Some offer a unique or different experience to other escorts that I see. Even classing these differences as client-escort relationships completely misses the points of different. Some are enormous fun, light-hearted and experiential. Others are deeper, mystical, spiritual and intellectual. Others are raw, and can even feel slightly dangerous and edgy. Some are simply the most amazing people, and I just feel blessed to be in their company for a small amount of time. How can anyone give up on the breadth, joy, depth and intensity of these experiences.

I imagine, but don’t obviously know, that it must be similar in some ways for some escorts thinking about their clients. Maybe they have a favorite and maybe they don’t. Surely, it is true that different clients also bring different experiences to the escorts that they meet. On one level it is the multiplicity of various and different contacts that makes the whole escort-client world such an amazing one. The fact that we are all enriched by different and intimate relationships with a range of people is one of the most wonderful things about the whole escort industry.

Meeting someone for the last-time!

The easy thing to say here is that one reason for seeing multiple escorts is so that if the relationship fails, or the escort retires, or if they are unavailable, then bookings and experiences can continue. That is pretty obvious, but of course a client could just start again with a new escort and new experiences.

As anyone who has been following this blog knows, I have lost some connections that were important to me. There are reasons for this, but the fact that we are no longer in each others lives, even for the brief moments that the escort-client dynamic offers, still hurts. I spoke about ‘Staying in the Moment’ and believe what I wrote, however the power of those moments, and those moments lost, still impacts and haunts me. One reason for seeing more than one escort, is that the ‘pain’ is reduced by the connection and enjoyment of being in the life of someone else. Having another ‘escort-client connection’ that is offering joy, when another is still delivering pain.

I am fortunate beyond my wildest dreams that there are some escorts who care about me enough to check that I am OK, make me laugh, share their thoughts and simply give me joy. I hope that I am giving them at least a little of the same in return, because this amazing roller-coaster is wonderful and awful to us all, all at the same time. As I have said before, whether I am having a ‘mind-blowingly’ amazing day, or a down day, at least since I started on this journey, I know that I’m alive.

So why stop seeing multiple escorts?

Fairly recently I have had a scare or two. If you read my blog regularly, you will know that it was the ‘end of the line’ with one amazing escort and I also mistakenly thought that I was not going to be able to see someone else again. It came out of the blue, and it hit me in the chest like a clamp. I was reduced to tears and I still get emotional when I think about that moment. For those who know me, it was one of the reasons my writing and my Twitter behaviour was a little ‘all over the place’, and perhaps a bit darker than usual. I was surprised by the level and depth that these events rocked me, it wasn’t rational, it was pure emotion. It certainly goes to show how strong the experiences in a client-escort connection can be, it is an amazing ride.

One of the outcomes of these events, is that I now know why some clients don’t see multiple escorts, or at least why they might stop seeing multiple escorts. If I was asked to be exclusive, not a real-relationship just a special ‘client-escort’ connection in the cases I just described, I might actually say yes. So I can see why circumstances, connections, relationships and emotions make people choose different models when it comes to the question ‘Why Multiple Escorts?’.

Recently I heard a ‘psychologist’ speaker talking about ‘explore’ and ‘exploit’ behaviours. The idea that in a new city, you go ‘exploring’ until you have enough experiences and information to ‘exploit’ that information. Trying restaurants until you find enough of the types that you like to start making regular bookings and going back to the same favorites. I guess this could apply in the escort-client world. Maybe my ‘exploring’ days are getting shorter, and my desire to build connections with escorts I feel connected too is increasing. We may all be in different stages of this personal journey.

I love what I am able to experience and the amazing, unique and wonderful women that have blessed me with their company. That is why I currently see multiple escorts. In a different universe, that I don’t believe I deserve, I might actually just follow someone who has stolen my heart. Or in this current journey, I may just choose to explore less and maintain connections with a few wonderful escorts. I guess I will find out.

Thank you as always for reading, I’m always surprised that any of you do.

Xx SP 24 May 2017 (updated 16 June 2017).

Addicted to Escorts

Exploring addiction to booking escorts. Why am I hooked?

Am I addicted to booking escorts?

This is an intriguing question to ask yourself as a client. Is this behaviour an addiction? Does this form of addiction matter? Do I want to change anything if I am addicted?

I am still relatively new to being a client of escorts, approaching two years of having this wonderful secret side to my life. I am also relatively new to being successful in other parts of my life. I have been told, by an escort of course (the source of all of the best information), that I exhibit signs of ‘sudden wealth syndrome’. My ‘addiction’ to escorts being a sign of this syndrome. That is as good a place as any to start this article, but I want to look at other aspects as well, and then ask the question again: Am I addicted to escorts and what does that actually mean in practice?

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Sudden wealth syndrome!

Sometimes called ‘lottery winners syndrome’, this ‘psychological phenomenon’ describes the stress, guilt, confusion and social isolation that can accompany a significant financial windfall or advantage. While coming into financial success ought to be a good thing, it can take a bad turn. No, I did not win the lottery, I am also not ‘rich’, compared to many people’s view of wealth. I have however been successful for less than a decade, after a life of hard work and a childhood and early-adulthood of very modest financial means.

Being able to spend significant amounts of money is relatively new for me, and some aspects of guilt, confusion and stress are, if I’m totally honest, part of this new life that I live (covered in some part in the earlier article ‘Sex and Guilt’). What seems like extravagant pleasure, does have a connection to emotions of guilt, confusion and social isolation.  Maybe I fall into the class of client that exhibits elements of ‘sudden wealth syndrome’, kid-in-a-candy-store, spoilt middle-aged guy, or whatever description floats your boat. Seeing escorts is however where I choose to spend a not insignificant amount of money. Most addictions ‘cost’, so maybe on the financial view of this question alone, my behaviour could look a lot like an addiction.

Mid-life crisis, or if you prefer, chasing after my youth.

I had a short-lived youth of reckless adventure before I got serious, and then the decades passed as I lived up to the corporate, family, and societal behaviours that I felt were expected of me. As I discussed in the article ‘Becoming a Client’, I hit a point where I needed to embrace some selfishness, some recklessness and some adventure. I needed to grab the last vestiges of youth before they were gone forever. This is not uncommon, it is often called, mistakenly in my view a mid-life crisis. I think it can and does happen at anytime of life, and this wasn’t my first existential analysis or change of direction. Not everyone who goes through the need for adventure and change starts booking escorts, but that was an important part of my journey, part of my existential crisis (who knows, I may be in for more of these as I get older).

So why the need for escorts?

I wasn’t ready for a potentially messy affair, the depressing game of Tinder, or a new relationship. I did however need, very badly need as it turns out, intimacy, companionship, confidants, exciting moments, and a journey of sexual discovery and youthful sexual renewal. That really is what I needed, and it is probably the best description I have written yet of why I see escorts. In our busy, stressful, sanitized and ‘contact-avoidance’ lives, I would suggest any single one of those things (benefits) could be addictive. Put them all together, and it is one hell of an addictive package. I have gone further in other articles and said – I simply cannot go back. Now that the genie is out, it simply cannot be ‘put back in the bottle’.

Shortly after I initially drafted this piece I went further on ‘Why Multiple Escorts?’, exploring why it is not a ‘singular’ affair with one escort or person. For now, in this article, that answer is simple and rooted in the source of this addiction. In some escorts I find elements of connection, friendship, ease of conversation and joy in simply being in their presence – I am addicted to them as individuals. In others I find sexual fire, new discoveries and lessons from the tension between different worlds – I am addicted to that too. Seeing escorts is not one dimensional, everyone is unique, so although I am addicted collectively to being a ‘client of escorts’, I am also addicted to some individual relationships for very personal, unique and segmented reasons.

The pain of addiction.

All addicts are in pain. Pain causes the need and the addiction. Removal or deprivation is also painful. Seeing escorts and classing it as an addiction makes sense in many ways. I feel a profoundly strong high in the lead-up to a booking and a crescendo in the booking itself. Some of these moments, as I have described in some of the stories here, are almost perfectly sublime – the highest of highs! In between bookings there is at best a return to a ‘greyness’, and in many cases there is significant pain. Discussed imperfectly in the articles on ‘Post Booking Melancholy’ and ‘Staying in the Moment’.

For some of these personal needs, there are other pains. The seeking of adventure, raw sex, sexual discovery and memorable moments are simple drivers for wanting to be a client. A client can have these, savor them, remember them, and return again when they are ready for more, ready for the next experience. The aspects of companionship, intimacy and heaven-forbid friendship have a different and more complicated and longer-lasting dynamic. The highs are progressive, the addiction lives beyond the booking, the connection is to individual(s) and not to a generic ‘client-escort’ experience or moment. As a result, the pain comes in a different manner. This is the dangerous territory of ‘self-destructive’ addiction.

Self-sabotage and escort addiction.

Imagine trying to make a friend of an escort! Stop and think about that statement for a moment. I am not talking about the role-play of a Girlfriend Experience (GFE), but actually making a real friendship. Could there be a less likely place to strike up a friendship, in a manufactured place, with age, gender, social and need differences. A place where money bridges these gaps, for the exact reason that they are gaps. What madman would look to build a friendship here?

In me, and I am sure in many clients, is a dangerous cocktail of ‘lack of self-worth’, existential crisis and a desire to prove something against these deep seated insecurities. While the level of need and desire might vary, many clients, us addicts, are seeking sustained connection almost deliberately in the place that it is least likely to develop. I have written pieces on ‘Friends and Lovers’, and ‘Relationship Breakdowns’, and you can see that I have a need for connection, intimacy and to be ‘liked’. I am exploring this in therapy outside of my escort experiences and in these pages on this blog as well. For this reason, seeking what I shouldn’t, where I shouldn’t, knowing that I shouldn’t, and knowing that it is folly, for this reason more than any other ‘I am clearly an addict of escorts’!

Do I want to change that? I guess like most addicts, it is a perpetual tension between yes, no, I don’t know! While I think about that, please let me see one of the escorts that I adore – I need another hit! I can see this also play out in my own engagement on social media. Sometimes I am together, sometimes I am stressed, sometimes confused – always wanting the engagement, sometimes for fun, sometimes for learning, sometimes for ratification and sometimes clearly hating myself and my weaknesses. Isn’t that the cycle of an addict? Or maybe it is all part of a journey of discovery – who knows?

This is surely raw, surely true and I hope it isn’t too much. It drained me to write this piece in its first cut – I was very emotional and raw at the time. In this re-draft, I am more philosophical, but I can’t deny the tensions and confusions that were originally written into this article. It is hard when you need to be liked to then say things about yourself that you know are not likeable. The little boy inside normally prefers to remain hidden behind the wall!

Thanks for your readership. I am not sure what I accomplished with this particular piece, but I hope you find something within it that helps with your own journey, after all, we are all on one.

Xx SP 17 May 2017 (article updated 13 June 2017).

Staying in the Moment

Getting the most from a booking with a wonderful escort.

Embracing the fantasy!

A booking with an escort is a unique moment in time. Almost assuredly the escort has prepared for the moment, and any client wanting a good experience will have done the same. The escort and client meet at an agreed time, spend an agreed amount of time together, and then conclude at an agreed time.

Something unique and never to be repeated has happened, it may have been awful for one or both parties, it may have been amazing for one or both parties. A purchased and completely customised service has been produced and it has been consumed. A ‘moment-in-time’ has existed, never to be repeated in exactly the same way ever again.

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Moments and Forever.

In the fairy-tales, those perfect ‘soul-mate’ relationships end with a ‘happily ever after’. We are taught, conditioned and perhaps in some respects biologically ‘wired’ to seek a lasting connection. In the sex-work world, specifically the escort-client experiences discussed in this blog, it is not a unending relationship, it is a moment.

The client usually wants a ‘moment’, an ‘experience’, that is without entanglements and coordinated like booking a show, or conducting a business meeting. The escort wants to deliver a service with a start and a finish, that earns money for the time and effort committed. Everyone involved wants it to be a moment and yet so often there are entanglements and residual issues.

Celebrating a moment.

One of the best pieces of advice I have received in respect to seeing escorts is – be true to the moment. The escort-client booking was born to be a moment. The absolute best ones are the magic that dreams and life-long memories are made from. I have only recounted three of mine so far in this blog, Degustation Dream, Harbour Lights, and Holiday Hideaway, mainly because people don’t seem that keen to read about other people’s bookings.

Bookings like these, and I hope ones that you have experienced and are perhaps reminiscing about now, are encapsulated moments. It is these little, joyous, memories of a single event, little perfect ‘bubbles in time’ – that are how a great escort-client booking can and should be. Those of us the participate in this industry are lucky humans indeed to have these unique memories, unlike most other relationships and intimate encounters.

So what goes wrong?

We can’t always stay within or true to the moment. We start to assume that it means something about the future. One great moment, especially if followed by another, then another, becomes addictive. If these are connected to the same person, we may ‘fall in love’, or otherwise develop a dependency upon this person as our connection, our bridge, to our growing addiction to these ‘great moments’, something I discussed in ‘Loving an Escort’.

In addition, we may not believe the fantasy of the moment was as strong as it seemed at the time. We look for reinforcement, endorsement, between-booking contact and other confirmation of the joy we felt, especially when we are feeling down, needy, insecure, or have had a bad experience somewhere else in our life.

This isn’t a client versus escort divide. Escorts may also want connection to certain clients that bridge certain moments and outcomes. They may also seek client and colleague confirmations when they are feeling down, or under siege from the not-so-fantastic elements of life that exist between these fantastic fleeting moments.

Imbalance – when it means more to one person than the other.

We don’t always see these connections and confirmations in the same way, or with the same intensity, as the person we are seeking them from. An escort can use this ‘moment addiction’ and ‘endorsement need’ to build dependence and support their business. A client can use the same to extract unfair outcomes from escorts in a variety of manipulative ways. In many cases, both parties suggest to each other that there is a strong ‘connection’, a bridge between moments for both of them. Sometimes there may be, but perhaps more often, the promise of a ‘greater connection’ may be more of a fantasy than those gladly shared and created within the confines of a booking.

Celebrate the moment!

So I had a ‘moment of fantasy’ before I wrote this article. I had one the week before, and I had a number before that – some I have discussed within this blog. I keep having great moments with some of the same people. Not surprisingly I am becoming addicted to them for the moments that we have together. I am also becoming addicted to some of the same people for the confirmations, endorsements and support that they give me at other times – allowing me to feel better about myself and my escort experiences when I need the emotional boost and ratification.

Some of my ‘over-thinking’ and article-based analysis lives in the spaces between these moments of fantasy. With some escorts it is important to me that there is a connection that is not only bound by the constraints of a booking, that there is some connection that exists in the ‘grey-area’ in between and around them. It is joyous to think that this ‘bigger connection’ exists and traumatic when we discover that it doesn’t – that in some cases it was all a charade.

So the best solution, in the vast majority of cases, is just to live within the ‘moment-of-fantasy’, the boundaries created by the booking alone. Celebrate, live-within, remember and isolate these as amazing little stories. Something that clients and escorts have, that pretty much the rest of the world does not.

If you can’t, and in some cases I can’t, then at least be prepared for the fantasy to be destroyed. Maybe, if you are super fortunate one of these ‘chain-of-moments’ may just have a ‘spark of forever’ about it – some amazing hybrid combination of booking moments as well as a non-booking connection. Unfortunately when you put it like that, it sounds even more unlikely, but then maybe I am a tragic romantic after all.

Enjoy the booking for what it is! If you get more, take it, appreciate it, be thankful for it, but don’t expect it – after all, it is not part of the agreement.

Thank you for your readership. As always comments, sharing and engagement here and on Twitter are most appreciated.

Xx SP 2 May 2017 (article updated 3 June 2017).

Harbour Lights

Reminiscing on a wonderful booking – another date story.

Some moments capture a relationship.

This story is another moment in time. My second article telling the story of a magical date, another perfect escort booking. In some ways this is harder to tell than ‘Degustation Dream’ and I am glad that I am committing this wonderful evening to a story now, before too much more time passes.

The fact that I have had the great fortune to see this amazing woman on many occasions, means that if not recorded now, the great experiences we have shared together may start to merge into each other. That isn’t a bad thing, it is just that I am trying to tell the story of just one of our many great encounters, not the story of how much this person means to me, and how great a collective set of experiences can be. That however may be an article for another day, one I feel that is fast approaching.

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Lightness of being.

Sometimes you just feel good. This date started with a walk to the restaurant as the summer sun was beginning to lower in the late afternoon sky, arm in arm after my beautiful companion exited her Uber on arrival. The weather was beautiful and the harbour-side was buzzing. We each took a couple of quick photos of the view and then headed into the restaurant.

Cocktails of course! Then a quick catch-up, we were after all way past the ‘getting to know you’ stage of early bookings, now having a shared history and established conversation short-cuts. Then a wonderful meal, simple elegant dishes. Small incredible photogenic and delicious entrees, followed by amazing mains and then of course desert – with more cocktails! The meals were delicious and beautiful, the harbour view and city magnificent to behold, but the most beautiful sight was my glowing, happy companion. Impossible to take my eyes away, she was also being watched by other envious and curious restaurant guests as well – it’s hard to miss a beautiful radiant soul, especially when their smile, eyes and being are alight with happiness!

After dinner stroll.

It wasn’t a long walk to the hotel. A beautiful summer evening we took our time soaking up the balmy, perfect weather and chatted on the way back to the room. One of my favourite hotels, with similarly impressive views over the harbour as our restaurant. Some champagne, some giggles and some slow undressing with plenty of kissing while still talking and relaxing, we gradually moved into post-dinner nakedness.

My desire for this companion, now that we are well acquainted, comes from friendship, comfort, her incredible intellect and deep emotional soul and her endless joyfulness, lightheartedness and focus on adventure and fun. I try to be these things, but as you will know from my writing, I can be pensive, over think things and sometimes get caught by the negative emotions that we all encounter in life. Just thinking of my friend pulls me out of those moments, being with her is like the clouds are lifted in the emotional equivalent of a perfect summer’s day.

Having said all of that, when I see her naked in my company, it is one of the most sexually exciting and stimulating moments. In so many ways, things about this companion are now ‘happiness shortcuts’ in my life. I constantly carry around memories and triggers that bring me back to those happy moments – perhaps most of all, the ethereal lightness of being after a most amazing meal, a walk around the harbour in the company of a most perfect companion. Concluding the booking with yet another wonderful evening of brilliant and passionate sex.

After the day.

We have been to shows, events and numerous restaurants, they have all been wonderful too. Sometimes however relaxed conversation, good food and a city putting on a special evening is enough to create simple perfection. To me this companion is exactly that, the representation of a perfect summer evening.

If you read my article on ‘Friends and Lovers’, I hope and believe that this companion is also my friend. She is also occasionally a ‘ghost’ (see article), after all, who really can hold continuous joy in their heart at every moment. I have learned to let the bookings be the moment and enjoy the sporadic communication in between. This was a challenge for me for a while, but as you learn more about a person, you also learn to appreciate differences in style. This young woman has taught me a little about letting go, enjoying the moment and letting gaps be meaningful and lighthearted. I may be learning to appreciate the step-in and step-out strengths and meaningful highs of a ghost-like connection. I am also learning to have fun and enjoy the adventure.

As I said in my last ‘perfect date story’, I hope you enjoyed hearing about this booking and even more so, I hope you have had similarly powerful and pleasant experiences all of your own.

Thank you for your readership. Feel free to comment here, share and give me feedback on Twitter. I hope that my perfect date story reminds you of some of your own.

Xx SP 3 April 2017 (article updated 19 May 2017).