Mean Girls

What would make an Escort mean?

It’s a hard world out there, one that hardens most hearts. I saw a Twitter post from an Escort a little while ago that simply said, “Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.” It made me think, what hardens the heart and how do some Escorts manage to navigate the storm?

I had a challenging childhood, bullying at school, and a business stolen out from under me by unscrupulous scumbags. My personal values involve staying open to good people, even if that means being taken advantage of by assholes at times. To me that is a better reality. To me, a hardened-heart would be me, robing joy from myself, worse in my mind than having it taken by someone else. But then I haven’t had a fraction of the challenges that many Escorts face.

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So What Could Make An Escort Mean?

Let’s count down some of the many pressures and social evils that are perpetuated against Escorts and other sex-workers. This is hardly an exhaustive list, but hopefully it will set the scene for understanding the legitimate hardening of a worker’s heart. An argument as to why ‘Getting Mean’ would be a perfectly reasonable defensive response.

Count Down …

Ten – Society Hates Sex-Work. It isn’t a normal hatred, no it is far worse. It is a perverse hatred. One where nearly everyone is biologically, emotionally and intellectually interested, but most secretly protest and even rally against the idea of sex-work. Publicly expressing one out-dated view while secretly maintaining aroused interest. This isn’t just hatred, it is hatred with passion, because it reflects self-hatred of the contradiction inside people. A repressed desire, combined with rejection, missing-out and a lack of resolution between primal desires and a socialized view of how they think they must behave. The false image they think they need to present to the world.

Nine – ‘Here Be Dragons’. I have commented before on my dislike for criminals, rapists and real time-waters being lumped in with real clients. It pollutes the view of real and decent clients. But having said that, there really are evil people playing in this area, taking advantage of sex-workers, their lack of social protection, the isolation of the work, the potential for financial advantage and the poor support, protection and laws that are around sex-work. It makes this a place where some of the most evil men in society pray on women. These scum would harden anyone’s heart – seeing what one person can do to another and how bad society can be at supporting victims and preventing future crimes.

Eight – Failure of Institutional Support. Societies institutions, at best turn a blind eye to sex-work, and worst they actively support and enforce harmful behaviour, damaging stereotypes and the isolation and depression of workers. Myths of higher incidence of disease and poor parenting still prevail, preventing workers giving blood, getting accommodation, receiving equivalent health services and getting in the way of parenthood and the surrounding supports and protections that workers should have.

Seven – Peer Competition. Another myth is that the community supports itself and provides help to the independent workers and other industry participants. Well in many ways it does and there is great solidarity and support in many areas. There is also two-faced competition and outright harm. Fake booking made by other workers or their contacts for workers on tour are just a tiny example. Some terrible things have been done by one worker to another out of envy, competition or just transference of their own pain to another in the same way any other hurt person is likely to lash out.

Six – Youth and Beauty Myth. Most workers I’ve met are not as impressed by their own intelligence, skills and beauty as the clients who see them, or even their own peers are when they comment on them. Most don’t understand how amazing and desirable they are. Yet even though they don’t see themselves as most of the world sees them, they believe their peers are more youthful, more beautiful and more skilled than they are. This isn’t true. Yet against their own insecurity and rejection of the positive, they often have an exaggerated fear of loosing their (relative) youth and beauty. This contradiction of strong fear against weak positive opinion is another personal, but also socially imbued force, that puts additional pressure on industry workers in the most personal way.

Five – Real Client Needs. Clients, people like me, are needy. Escorts provide a service that is sadly wanting in society and when they do it well, clients want more. More contact, more love, more of what the worker is providing. This is a human interaction, so sometimes the workers need this in return. Drawing the line is hard. Draw it too harshly and clients go elsewhere and they do not provide loyalty and friendship in return. Draw the line too generously and well meaning clients will take unwitting advantage of what is on offer. It may make for loyal regulars, but their needs have a strong potential to be emotionally and financially draining.

Four – Health and Well-Being. Of course there is the risk of disease, illness, violence and any of these can take a worker out of action – reducing their capacity to generate their own income. The risks may be able to be managed, but they exist and they can easily play on someone’s mind and add to the overall stress of the work. If unwell, society and its support mechanisms often fail to adequately and fairly address the needs of the worker.

Three – Isolation. There may be ways of avoiding isolation, however independent sex work in particular is a solo business for the most part. Admin, security, preparation, marketing and the work itself is isolating both in its mechanical practice and in the way society isolates sex work and all of its aspects. This is hard enough at the best of times, but when difficulty in trusting peers, clients and social institutions are added to the mix, this isolation can be crippling in times of hardship.

Two – Rejection and Abandonment. The nature of the work is all about selection by clients. It is a rare thing in society to be chosen by someone else and workers get to experience this more than almost anyone else, but they can easily loose that buzz of adoration. What is left is rejection. Why was someone else chosen? Where did the regular I thought of with affection go? Often these changes in selection are not accompanied with any explanation of the reason, and as a result it is easy to assume the worst, adding extra negativity to a worker’s self perception. As a client, I find rejection, abandonment and the lengthy separations between bookings hard (many blog articles I have written on this topic). As an escort, I imaging it is even harder, at least in volume if not individual intensity. How can this not be a ‘heart-hardening’ force?

One – Business Risks. On top of everything else, job security, career longevity, ability to maximise income and retain value is difficult. Many people, in other industries, can build up their businesses and sell them, or make money from growing their business. These strategies for business growth and exit are much harder to accomplish in the sex-work industry. Yet marketing, reputation, personal security, brand building and other aspects are also harder. This is not easy work in any way, and although it may be lucrative at times, it is hard to sustain and hard to build a business that can be sold and create a ‘windfall’ at some future moment. It is a damn hard career choice.

So What Could Make An Escort Mean?

Zero – How is anyone left? The question shouldn’t be ‘what could make an Escort mean?’, it should be, with all of this pressure and forces rallied against sex workers, how is it that so many manage to stay sane, stay kind, continue to truly connect with their clients and their peers, and avoid the hardening that would happen to almost anyone else? It is amazing that most sex workers are still so emotionally giving and wonderful, lovely people.

Support!

So on the few occasions where I feel I was treated poorly or unfairly as a client – and it is only a few, I try and remember the pressures at play. The forces that create stress for Escorts, by comparison, they make the forces that create stress for me look like child’s play. I know how badly I can react and behave when I am stressed – I am not proud of some of those moments. The stress on the escorts that I adore is so much more, so embedded in society, and even coming from well meaning clients like myself as well.

So those that occasionally seem like ‘Mean Girls’, are for the most part, decent, lovable and kind people struggling or reacting to their pressures, their lives and their stress. It is mean of me to compare their behaviour to my own, I am not under the stress that they are under, and yet I still expect kindness, attention and care. Who is the jerk here?

I hope that you get my point. This is a hard industry for so many reasons. Some of those forces we can all work together to improve, some are unlikely to change anytime soon. However if you are at the receiving end of what you feel is poor behaviour – unless it is profoundly bad, cut the other person some slack. The list (count down) in the article is only a small part of what they probably had to face, just this week alone.

I have finished this article (one I started a long time ago) as my first of 2018, in what I hope is a tiny contribution to making 2018 a great year. Forgiving each other a bit more and being a little more understanding and supportive. Many escorts and clients I know are struggling at the moment, let’s reach out and be more loving – especially to the workers who are confronted with this harsh reality every day.

Thank you for your readership. Comments are always welcome here or on Twitter. Please also understand that I am not trying to speak on behalf of Escorts, I am just a client who is trying to understand the forces that are impacting upon the companions that I meet and how I should behave in return to ordinary humans struggling with significant pressures.

Xx SP 3 January 2018

Transition and Recollection

At a cross-roads in life and reflecting on 2-years as a client of escorts.

Tomorrow I turn 50. I am at the end of many things in my life, at a true point of transition. As part of this change, and after two-years as a client of Escorts, part of my reflection is on how these experiences have changed me. Plus, what I want them to be like in 2018 and beyond.

This is also a return to my blog. I have had a badly needed break, it has been two-months since my last article. I feel rusty, I feel tired, but I feel like getting back into writing as part of my journey for next year. So it’s time to dust off the cobwebs and write something. What better time, than the day before my 50th Birthday.

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Second Year As a Client

Let’s start with where I stand as a client of escorts. It is not a comfortable place. I feel like every post-booking parting brings greater melancholy than ever, maybe this is a result of a challenging year and big life changes. Or maybe it is just something that happens as we are longer upon this road of disconnected moments of fantasy. That I can’t answer yet.

I also feel like I am not as good at this as I was in my first year. In 2016 it was all new, all fun. The relationships weren’t new enough to have much baggage. My industry insights weren’t enough to see some of the darker parts. I didn’t have a profile as a client. I just met people and had fun. If I met someone I really had fun with, and we clicked, then I saw them again. It was as I have already said, my best year ever, halcyon days!

I met amazing people, and I adored them. I felt feelings of love and began falling in love with some companions – falling in love is fun! Nothing particularly bad happened, many things profoundly wonderful happened. It was new, exciting, glorious, wonderful and things elsewhere in my life, for the most part, were going along pretty well at the same time.

So What Happened In 2017?

Sticking with the client of Escorts conversation, what happened is what always happens. We grow, we learn, we make mistakes, things sometimes fuck-up, and the shine wears off from things that were once shiny and new.

My blog and presence on Twitter created casualties. Communicating between Escorts and clients online is fun, but it is also high risk. Text formats of communication don’t offer the face-to-face benefits and ‘in-the-moment’ benefits of bookings – so connections between clients and escorts are likely to be more real, more prone to harm and break-down with clients who choose to engage on Twitter or other forms of correspondence in-between bookings.

Some connections just run their race. They reach a crescendo at some point, booking three, booking eight, booking fifteen, and then the honeymoon is over. For whatever reason, they start getting worse instead of better. It is amazing when we find those connections that just keep improving, deepening, becoming part of who we are.

In other cases, we never get that far. The companion (or client) retires, moves location or some other external dynamic changes. They depart and we are left to mourn the amazing moments that are no longer possible.

Amazing New Experiences!

Other amazing things happened! Partly because of this blog, party because of social media and partly because of my growing confidence, I got to meet new and amazing people – not just the amazing companions that I was booking. I also met fellow clients – travelers on the same road. Everyone I have met has amazed me, I enjoy being in conversation with them and some I now call friends.

I have met female clients of male sex-workers and that has led to some amazing conversations and new friendships, and I have met some of the male sex-workers that they see. With every person I meet, I understand society’s stereotypes around sex-work less and less. These are all inspiring people, better in many ways than the people who cast uninformed judgement on this rich community.

I am fortunate enough to have some companions who know that I have been down and maudlin this year. They have helped, supported and changed me. I don’t know how they have stuck with me, but some of them have now known me for almost two years. Despite the fact that it is almost impossible to truly know if someone you are paying for intimacy truly cares for you, I feel that at least a few of my closest companions do. When the inevitable end comes, their retirement or mine, some may miss me a fraction of how much I will miss them.

Change!

Nothing is more inevitable than change. This year I have learned more about love and loss than in any other year of my life. I didn’t mean to care about the Escorts I met as much as I do. I didn’t expect to have some really care for me and despair at some of my actions and feel the same envy, jealousy, frustration and unrequited emotions as I felt – and talking to other clients and workers, understand that they at times feel the same way too. This is an industry full of deep emotion and fast moving impact upon those emotions – both positive and negative.

I think I am starting to cope with unrequited love. I think I am starting to understand when I hurt the feelings of others. However I am still an advocate for celebration and transparency, and that is why I plan to stay on social media and continue to blog. I feel that the small hurts are (possibly my opinion alone) worth the benefits. The benefit of the truth that I have feelings for multiple people, the honesty of some of my stories and my voice in support of celebrating what happens between client and Escort rather than hiding it because the realities might impact on someone else’s fantasy.

I have big personal plans for 2018. It is going to be a good year. It will be sad … I miss the people I no longer see. I have that empty feeling as a dark companion with me every single day, and that weight gets heavier. I miss the person that I started this journey with most of all – everyone who reads my blog knows this story and that missing part of me continues. I’m just learning to live with a piece of my heart missing.

Others that are important to me, and in a number of connections that importance is growing, well they will no doubt leave my life at some point. I am sure that I will find out then, that I love them too, and wave goodbye to another slice of my heart.

What is happening though is that my heart is getting bigger. I want connections with more people so that I can show them the elements of love that I have for them and receive their unique gifts in return. Even though I’m loosing parts of me, I am gaining others and I am growing. This is the biggest change of all for me – I am not sure I could ever go back to a singular sexually intimate relationship when every connection is so rich and different. I have some of the most amazing relationship and a few in particular where 2018 looks so exciting and plans for new experiences are taking shape already.

There are no answers here. Just one very ordinary guy, who is about to pass an age-based milestone, and is trying to learn from the experiences behind me. So that I can be a better person within the experiences that are in front of me.

If I have upset you on this road, I also take a moment to apologise. For the few people who have upset me on the same journey, I am not carrying that with me any longer. If you feel like reconnecting please do, if you can’t stand me (why are you reading this), then I know that I am not part of your tribe and I wish you well upon your own journey.

Thank you to those who connect with me, have a relationship with me, take my bookings, answer my messages or Twitter posts and continue to be happy to share a tiny part of their lives with me! That is the gift that I have received on the eve of my 50th Birthday.

My love and best wishes for you own future!

Xx SP 22 December 2017.

Why Am I A Target?

Some personal thoughts on why I attract hatred.

It has been a challenging year, this annus horribilis of mine! I know many people struggle with far more than I have, perhaps you are in a dark place too, but we all have our own journey. For me, 2017 has been the worst year that I can remember.

Perhaps that is the real reason some people react to my writing and my Social Media with unbridled hatred. Seeing a privileged, pretentious and entitled middle-aged man, who thinks that his struggles are of significance. Of course, seeing someone who looks like they have ‘almost everything’, complaining about things, is a magnet for feelings of anger. Hell, I would hate me too … except that I am me!

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So Why Is 2017 A Bad Year For Percie?

Like most of us, I have certain perceptions of myself. This year has shaken them all, with the possible exception of my health. So yes, this year could still get far worse. Without going into great detail, at the beginning of 2017, I thought I was a good parent, a good business manager, a good friend, and fun to be around. On the negatives, my perception of being a good husband was already ‘in the toilet’, but I felt I was still a good family provider. In place of that, and relatively new to my self-perception, I felt that I was a good client of the Escorts that I was seeing, at least those that I had an on-going connection with. As I have said before in this blog, 2016 was the best year of my life by a country mile!

At the start of 2017, my business lost our biggest client, one that accounted for a quarter of our income. I had to fire some staff, close an office, and the rest of the year has amounted to a difficult rebuilding of a crippled business.  That has taken a heavy personal toll on me, and broken my arrogant self-perception. I don’t feel like a good business manager any more. I feel like an imposter who is out of his depth.

Then one of my wonderful Daughters tried to take her own life. I raced back from inter-state in a trance, my world had collapsed. At first it was just emergency stations, being strong and focused, so that everything could be directed at her health and safety. Slowly, over the balance of this year, we have become accustomed to this ‘new normal’, a house that is working around a profoundly depressed teen, and the collateral damage that causes for her sisters and the broader family. She is still here, an everyday battle, but we have had some victories and seen some progress. It is now, that the ’emergency’ seems to be passing, that I have realised how drained and low I am. The tank is running on empty.

This has made me question myself. I am not a good Father, otherwise how could this happen? I am not good at my profession. As a result I am not a good provider, husband or partner. All of my ‘personal image’, these false pillars that I perched myself upon, had crumbled. I knew I wasn’t a faithful or successful husband, seeking intimacy, physical connection and a last-gasp of youthfulness in secret, with Escorts. I knew my long monogamous relationship was coming to an end, and now even that painful but needed transition seemed a long way off. I needed to hang in there, be strong, and as much as I could, subsume my personal intimate desires for a while. I came very close to ending my year-long journey as a client of Escorts. But I am weak, and was not able to say goodbye to companions that I had come to love. My weakness became just another reason for starting to hate myself.

Enter Percie Blakeney!

The one thing that seemed to be ‘going well’, at the start of 2017, was my journey as a client of Escorts. Sure, in my first year I had made mistakes, they are documented throughout this blog. Silly, naive, social media posts, offering concert tickets publicly, and other minor mistakes made by an inexperienced (but public) client, and a man who hadn’t ‘dated’ in two-decades or had any level of sexual intimacy in almost half that time.

So what did I do? I directed some energy, almost as a personal release and self-therapy to writing a blog about the part of my life where I felt happy, comfortable and was free from the other dark corners of my life. I re-vamped an old Twitter account, and I started a blog, this blog, in March 2017. Stupid in retrospect, but that is what happened.

Given what was transpiring elsewhere in my life, and also the nature of a ‘self-reflective blog’, the topics covered related to things that challenged me or played on my mind. As a result, the articles reek of overthinking, narcissism, melancholy and a naive view of what can and should exist between client and Escort. All of this is true, part of my own journey and coming to terms with jealousy, love, abandonment, hope, and a full-range of other feelings on an emotional roller-coaster, made even more pronounced by what else was happening in my life.

Some people, especially some other middle-aged travelers (fellow clients) found resonance in these topics. Some Escorts, I feel those who have struggled with feelings for clients themselves, are romantic at heart, or tolerant and understanding about what certain clients feel, also saw some merit in my content. There were, and are, many Escorts and some clients who see a ‘red flag’ and feel intense anger at some of the things that I have written about, or what they have assumed about me as a result.

The Last Pillar Falls.

I felt that I was one of the most mentally strong people that I knew, having weathered a difficult childhood, bullying, and later in life a range of business challenges. Wow, what a delusion. Those lies that we tell ourselves. With my fatherhood, my marriage, my business all in turmoil, being trolled online, attacked by haters, and in some quarters bullied in this space, well that cocktail of 2017 poison got under my skin far more than it should have.

It hurt me more than I thought it would, and I didn’t always react well. With my tone at times becoming snarky, and occasionally engaging in debate with Escorts, showing hints of disappointment and distress, well that is a recipe for receiving more of the same. Show weakness or biting back, either action can bring down the wrath of others with an axe to grind.

Then apparently, in the minds of some, I became the ‘poster guy’ for disrespecting the industry. I thought I was celebrating it. Showing how amazing the providers are, how joyful the experiences are, how strongly emotive it can be and how a sensitive client might be able to navigate these emotionally challenging waters. I thought I was on the same side, supporting sex-work as an enriching and positive part of society. But no! My ‘light-hearted’ experience masquerading as a one-time male-Escort was apparently offensive. The idea that I might write a book, which might say revealing things, that might disrespect someone, well that was apparently offensive as well. Of course no one asked any questions, or read what type of person I was. These people that don’t know me, all assumed the worst, and made ridiculous and unfounded accusations. Not happy to just attack me, they were also happy to turn on anyone that supported me or disagreed with their militant and fun-less ‘take on things’.

Of course being in a weak state to resist this negativity, any sane person would wonder why I continued to blog. I wonder that often myself. I think the answer is because if I ‘gave it up’, it would be my last surrender in a sh^t storm of a year, in every part of my life. Complete surrender. The few people that kept sustaining me, supporting me, encouraging me to be me, stay on Twitter, keep writing and stay in contact, were a salve for my soul. Their positivity and support was stronger than the voices who didn’t know me and just decided I was good fun to kick in the teeth.

I think my blog is the only one by a ‘client of Escorts’ in Australia (I hope that is wrong by the way – but I’m not aware of any others), perhaps it is the only one even further afield. An oddity, by an odd, sad and naive little man. So I guess that makes it an even bigger target for people who don’t like client voices at all. It also made me feel that I if stopped, I wasn’t just giving in to the abuse, but I was letting certain other people down, those who had supported me, and a few loyal readers who seemed to have come to enjoy the conversations. I also enjoyed talking with them, an oasis from my real-life collapse.

My Lowest Point

Then in May 2017, my closest and longest-lasting companion retired suddenly. Of course, in true annus horribilis style that wasn’t all. Another close Escort broke off her connection to me with extremely aggressive verbal abuse. It may have been to end her own journey, making sure none of her closer clients tried to connect with her in post-retirement. Perhaps she just detested me all along. I also mistakenly thought that another adored companion was leaving to take up a full-time ‘patronage’ arrangement.

My three closest companions seeming to vanish at the same time, one retiring, one ‘spoken for’, and the third telling me I was a ‘piece of sh^t’. No, of course that wasn’t enough for a truly bad year! My online troll was at their zenith, another Escort I had met twice was actively disparaging me, someone else was going around the industry telling others that I was the reemergence of some ‘evil blogger’ from 2011. It sounds unbelievable even to me, a writer of fiction wouldn’t have so many story threads running at one time. Just to rub ‘salt-on-the-wound’, another Escort I respected immensely, told me that the trolling was probably ‘all in my mind’. Other close Escort connections from before I started blogging seemed to be ‘distancing themselves’ from me, as a result of the blog and the negative industry attention that I was starting to get. Hell, I would have done the same if I was in their shoes.

I started to fully believe the negative voices: ‘you’re not cut out to be a John’, ‘you shouldn’t be allowed to be a client’, ‘you’re a sad loser’, ‘entitled narcissist’, ‘if I saw you in the street, I would run you over’, ‘I’m going to out you and destroy your career’, and ‘once you stop paying, no one you have ever booked will ever think of you again, or ever make contact – you’ll die a sad, lonely and broke old man’. The last one got to me the most. This clever person had worked out what I thought to myself in the darkest moments. Exactly what someone like me says to themselves, when they are at their darkest ebb.

Even still, I tried to stand strong, keep writing, pretend it wasn’t really getting to me. The problem is my self-belief collapsed under this relentless attack from every direction. Mostly distress at my daughter’s illness, compounded by my business issues, and then my last remaining resolve just ‘bleeding-out’ with these little additional cuts, coming from the darker parts of this industry.

I was in a strange place. I was loosing the ability to make decisions, stick to things and see clearly. I was flip-flopping on a weekly, daily and sometimes hourly basis. Celebrating one day, a cry for help the next. Supporting someone online one minute, and then fishing for support or endorsement the next. I would talk about writing more blogs, then say online that I was about to quit. This indecisiveness and changing persona must look from the outside like madness – it certainly brought even more vultures in to pick over my online carcass.

Apparently in the eyes of some, I had to make a decision, or be a certain way, and then stick to it. I’m not sure why people care if I change my mind a thousand times, but apparently that isn’t allowed. Somehow, changing my mind was even seen as proof of my apparent disrespect for the industry. I don’t get that logic either.

I have been blocked by one Escort I have met and one fellow client I have met. I have been blocked by dozens of Escort’s, photographers, clients and industry followers that I have never met. I’m sure that I’m on some people’s ‘bad client’ list(s), although no one has ever told me why, what it is that makes me a bad client. I have many times started to think they must be right, and if they really wanted me to believe it, my last barrier would fall if they just gave me that final reason. What is the harm that Percie has caused for which he should disappear? You can see how close I have come from abuse alone, provide one logical reason, and given where I stand at the moment emotionally – you could save the industry from me in one fell swoop.

Where To From Here?

I don’t know. I have lost another real-life friend recently and I am at that age where others are battling health issues and others will fall soon as well. As I said at the start, I at least have my health. My youth will soon be gone. My long-term relationship is likely to end for good and for bad before long. My business will recover, it is recovering, and I hope that next year, that problem at the very least will be gone. Most of all, my Daughter is still here with us, and we are making slow process, sometimes forwards, sometimes backwards, but she is alive and I love her and I am doing everything that I can to keep her here. She is a truly beautiful person and the world needs her far more than me.

I loved my companion that retired this year. I know that was stupid, but the heart wants what the heart wants. My processing of that absence in my life has made me worse. I am worse to be around, I am a miserable melancholy soul, beating myself up for my own tragic feelings, impossible love, failures and roller-coaster decisions and moods.

Then there are others that I love too. As I have said, many Escorts are simply the most amazing people I have ever met. For whatever reason, they feel like ‘my tribe’, even if I am not welcome in theirs. There are a few in particular that I have feelings for at a level that I shouldn’t. This multi-person love makes me think I can no longer consider myself monogamous or at least permanently monogamous. That is a very unexpected change in my consciousness and a surprising outcome from my journey as a client of Escorts. Also surprising to me, is my still growing desire for emotional experiences, and deeper explorations of my truest feelings. The ‘me’ of ten-years ago would not even recognise the person that is here now on this journey.

This change is what I am hanging on to. The idea that it is a profound transition, that is taking me somewhere new, and making me a better person. At the moment my moods, flakiness and struggles to get past certain things, are making me a problem. My writing is erratic. Until I can finishing processing some losses and struggles, I don’t think I make a very good client for the Escort’s that care for me the most. I wonder why they persevere with me, and I struggle to believe their generosity and friendship is real. In part because my experience with other Escort endings has been hard, final and in some cases traumatic. Also because I am struggling in general, and not always listening to good-voices. Mostly because at the moment I don’t think that I am worthy of their care.

I could leave for a while. I could quit being a client for good. I could leave Australia and travel. I could stop writing. I could do more writing. I could do nothing different at all, and just keep swinging like a pendulum between joy and misery, driving those audiences that hate me on to even greater hatred. I really don’t know. My feeling is that I will try and just write and post while I am positive, go into hibernation when I’m not, and see out the rest of this year. I see 2018 being positive, I am envisioning it, I am taking steps to feel like I am in that space already, and that it is my new reality. A return to how I felt in 2016, but with more love, more to offer and as a better friend to those that I love.

I apologise to anyone I have upset or offended as Percie Blakeney. I pledge that I have never and will never disrespect this industry and its ethical participants. I apologise to myself in as much as I can manage it at the moment. Mostly, I apologise to the companions that I have grown to love, each in different ways, for my flakiness, my neediness and for whatever lies in store.

There are so many reasons in this article to hate me even more, but maybe if targeting me is your response, you know a bit more about the person on the other end, and maybe this time leave other people out of it.

Thank you!

Xx SP 16 October 2017.

“… Where are you now
Was it all in my fantasy
Where are you now
Were you only imaginary …”

Alan Walker

My Client Stages

How my journey as a client of Escorts has changed over time.

It seems strange looking backwards, to think that my journey as a ‘Client of Escorts’ has clear and distinct stages. Some relatively identifiable transitions and noticeably different periods. As I reflected on my journey in preparation for this unusual blog article, I felt great joy, but also rather profound sadness. Thinking about these phases is in many ways a personal meditation on the extreme highs and lows of my journey.

I am not suggesting that these stages apply to every client that sees multiple escorts and is active over an extended period. It is just what happened to me, so far, along the pathway of a two year adventure.

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The Beginning – Discovery Stage

I have written previously on how I began as a client, especially in the article ‘Becoming A Client’. Here I am talking in a less personal and more collective sense. A reflection on phases. Beginning with my first six-months as a client of the Escort industry. I don’t know how to explain this stage without sharing some numbers. Something that I have avoided in this blog until now, but my personal actions and the clarity of these stages, needs some explanation and some detail.

Over the first six-months, I met twelve Escorts. By the end of that first six-months, the three that I had connected with the most, I had met ten, eight and seven times respectively. Yes, I was hooked early and I did have a lot of bookings. I was careful in research back then, taking a long time to choose who I wanted to see. I selected in a slow and considered process, from a combination of online profiles and close observation of what these Escorts seemed to be like on social media.

I chose well. I was also infatuated with the Escorts that I met. It was such an exciting change from the lonely years that predated this journey. I liked pretty much all of the Escorts that I met, and I wanted to keep seeing all of them. I was trying to keep a growing number of connections open, and progress the strengthening connection with each of these different but amazing women. By the end of six-months, the only way that I could keep doing this, was to make more frequent bookings.

I was starting to realise that I couldn’t meet many new people and still keep seeing the Escorts that I had already met. As the first six-months came to an end, I came to my first sad realisation. This discovery dynamic of meeting new people, while continuing to see others I had met as well, just couldn’t keep going in the same way. It is pretty simple maths really, but who wants to consider maths in this type of emotional situation.

There is some change that comes with time in any case. Out of the first twelve Escorts that I met, four have since retired from the industry. In another two cases, the Escort is based somewhere that I don’t get to travel to very often, and as a result, they were single booking encounters. In three other cases, some of which you may have already read about on my blog, our individual connection ended. Often the ‘endings’ were not particularly pleasant. They never ended ‘within a booking’, but in the messages, complexity and communication spaces that sit in between these fantasy moments.

In fact the three ‘Escort relationships’ I have had that ended the most awkwardly, all started within this ‘beginning period’ and then ended in the next stage of my journey. I had fourteen, thirteen and eleven bookings with these three lovely Escorts. Even today, although the various reasons for ending contact were all appropriate, I still miss all three of these intimate connections. The adventures of those first six months were so new and rich with experience, it is hard not to reflect, remember and sometimes miss the sheer newness of that period. I think it was some sort of awakening – it was certainly a period of personal discovery and enjoyment for me.

Three of the wonderful Escorts from this first phase, I am still privileged to continue to book today. The number of total bookings with each of them is climbing, and it is amazing to be building on a connection that includes a lengthening history together. They have been with me as I have moved through these phases and it is hard not to view these connections as friendships, because they feel like deep, intimate and beautiful friendships. After all, they have weathered my changing phases and still agree to see me. They are deeply important women to me. Each in their own way, they have changed me, supported me, loved me, and given my whole journey a continuity that I would be lost without. The beauty in these relationships also protects me in darker moments, and when confronted with some of the less positive aspects of this industry.

The Explosion – Experience Stage

A lot of my blog articles talk about this stage. After all, I didn’t start bloging until I had been a client for over a year, so I was in the later part of this second period when I started to write. Articles like ‘Addicted to Escorts’ are probably a good illustration of this period of wanting to ‘experience it all’. That ‘kid in a candy store’ dynamic has its own set of issues, and I wrote articles like ‘Single Booking Sadness’ and ‘What Went Wrong’ when I was dealing with no longer being able to make repeat bookings with every wonderful Escort that I met.

I am not going to say how many Escorts I met during this period, that is a level of private revelation that I’m not ready to open up to at this stage. What I can say, is that I met a number of amazing women, that had they been bookings in the ‘Discovery Phase’, I would most likely have seen them on more occasions than I ultimately did. With some of these bookings, I think back to the Escort and our one or two bookings with great fondness, and have wondered many times, if I had met them at the start, or now, not while I was in a phase of expanding my experiences, would things have been different. I believe they would. Sometimes it isn’t about ‘who you meet’, it is just as critically about ‘when you meet’. I certainly met some Escorts at the wrong time.

Despite the challenge of trying to balance seeing established regulars with a rush of new first time experiences, I still met some Escorts that I continue to see today. Some are close companions that I have seen on a significant number of occasions. I guess the point that I’m trying to make here, is that a growing regular connection was just ‘less likely’ to start with a client who was going through this crazy expansion period. During this stage, there was an element of ‘loving the thrill’ as much as ‘loving the individuals’.

A lot of the ‘angst’ in my early blog articles came from contradictory emotions that emerged during this stage. A sort of battle between the emotions of desiring experience, learning and discovery, in a tension and conflict with emotions that are about the specific personal connections between two people. In some cases the individual connections got collateral damage from the bigger journey, self-discovery and overall adventure that was happening with me at the time.

The Equilibrium – Settling Stage

More recently, I have come to find some form of equilibrium. I don’t see that many new Escorts that I haven’t met before any longer. It happens, occasionally I want that ‘first-meeting’ adrenaline and thrill again. The chance of meeting another close connection. It happens. Recently I have met a few Escorts that I am thrilled to be getting to know and seeing again. If I hadn’t still had the occasional new booking, I would have missed out on meeting some of the Escorts that I adore. The reality however is that this happens slowly, over a longer period of time, and largely as someone else retires or the connection closes for some other reason with a longer established companion.

Overall I have less bookings, most of them are with people that I feel I have come to know quite well, and I feel that they know something about me too. It is a stage that also has its challenges. It is hard not to fall at least partially in love with someone who you desperately want to stay in your life. Some of the articles like ‘Loving An Escort’ and ‘Staying In The Moment’, talk about the challenges of ‘keeping it about the booking’, when there is a growing interpersonal connection and a person (or people) that you (and I mean of course me) are thinking about regularly. Sneaking into your consciousness and even into your dreams.

With these regular connections, there are songs, smells, places and other triggers that re-make the connection at random times. So it is fine to say, ‘keep it to the booking’, but my mind has a way of filling in the ‘in-between’ places as well. I have found in this more recent phase, the phase that I believe I am still currently in, that the ‘Post-Booking Melancholy’ can be profound and deep. These wonderful women have entered my soul and although I can ‘keep it to the booking’, and respect boundaries and honour the connection, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that is a challenge. It is challenging because there really is a form of love that lives in this space.

Future Stages

I don’t know what else is to come. As I wrote in ‘Changed Man’ recently, there are other sources of changes and forces on my life outside of this journey and inside it as well. I know that other Escorts that I am close to will retire at some point. I know that ‘buying moments’ is unlikely to remain my primary manner of sexual intimacy forever. So there will be other stages, I just don’t know what they are yet. Maybe a different sort of equilibrium, maybe a decline phase, or maybe an extended ‘hiatus’ or ‘gap’. I don’t know. Many of you who read my blog have been clients for much longer than me. Maybe you would like to comment on your own phases. Have you been, gone, come back. Or do you see things very differently to me.

Perhaps if you are at the start, in that wonderful period of discovery. Then the one bit of bad news, or good news, is that the one constant is that things will change. People come into your life and they go out of it. I feel like I have formed some emotional ‘scar tissue’ from having strong feelings, then loss, and then other new strong feelings. There is a pervasive sadness that builds and grows over time, but it is the price of the adventure, the dark contrast to the lightness of amazing memories and experiences. I can’t give up the sadness, because it is the garden that all these amazing experience are growing within. There is no going back, and there is no way in hell that I would ever want to.

For every companion that I have met, I hope that some of this makes sense to you in the way that it does to me. You have all had a profound impact on me, that has made me a better person, and these connections and experiences are still shaping me into an even better man.

To my three companions that remain from the very beginning, I really don’t know how you have stuck with me through this journey. You know that I love you, and I want to say thank you once again!

Thank you as always for your readership. I would love to hear your experiences, your stages and your opinions. To those companions still with me, I truly and deeply thank you for continuing to let me share moments together with you.

Xx SP 12 October 2017

Changed Man

Being a client of escorts has changed me forever …

I am sitting across a restaurant table from someone that I adore. I have been waiting for this moment for weeks, since the booking was originally locked-in. I am excited, nervous, my soul is buzzing. I know that the next four-hours will be amazing, they always are. However, I also know that with every passing minute, this moment is rapidly disappearing. A little piece of perfection, that will soon become another wonderful memory, in a pretend relationship with a regular Escort.

As a middle-aged man, who started this journey after years without love and intimacy, these experiences, this amazing adventure, has filled a void in my life. It has been an incredible ride, way beyond belief and far beyond my expectations. It has also changed me forever. I want more, I need more, I am alive again. I feel the youngest in spirit that I have in over a decade, and the result of this energy is a real personal need for transition.

DinnerSweets

My Big Change

I am leaving my loveless and terminally ill relationship. I can’t pretend that an empty marriage, held together by obligation, is an appropriate way to fade into the oblivion of old age. I also can’t keep this secret life going in the way that it has for much longer. The amazing highs, and moments of what feels like real intimacy, have changed me. I am reawakened to intimacy, to love and to possibilities. As a result the gaps in between are getting darker, more melancholy and more depressing. I miss the highs, and I miss the wonderful Escorts, that I have these amazing moments with.

I appreciate that life is a journey with rich interpersonal moments, and I have gravitated to the idea of sharing intimacy with more than one person. However even that isn’t enough. I need someone or some people who are partners on the longer journey with me. I need at least one or two of these relationships of short-moments to have some longer duration. For a deep connection that is about more than the occasional, time-managed, moments. I also need to know that this person wants to be with me, for me, and off-the-clock, not just for the income or the patronage.

This change may not work, it might be impossible for me, a fool’s errand. I may not find anything approaching what I am looking for. Someone with a more open attitude to sharing intimacy than the other relationships I have had in the past. Someone with a more adventurous approach to love, travel, sex, unusual experiences and openness – basically more adventurous in every way.

If I don’t find it, that’s OK! I will come back to Escorts and other ways of sharing moments and intimacy, but I will do it in a far more transparent way. I enjoy being with Escorts, but I don’t enjoy doing it covertly and with permanent risk of discovery. I don’t enjoy living a lie if I don’t have too. When I feel that I am back ‘in personal integrity’ with myself, and honest with anyone that I am in a relationship with, then I want to share a life that is rich with sexual and intimate discovery.

What Brought About This Change?

This has always been a transitional phase of my life, a mid-life crisis if that suits your interpretation. I thought I would have some sex, some fun, and meet some interesting people. I didn’t think that it would completely change my perspective, and it really has fundamentally changed my perspective. I can’t live a boring vanilla life anymore. I can’t imagine a permanent monogamous relationship, where intimacy is confined to only one other person, forever. I want to share pathways, but have access to intimacy and meaning with other people as well.

The other problem that I have, is that once I become single again, I can’t imagine only getting this intimacy and connection from paid bookings with Escorts. It has to be some combination, and some of it needs to be about more than disconnected moments. Part of the journey needs to be with someone where the conversation, desires and plans for the journey ahead are shared. A story with two people in the designer’s seat.

For a while, I think I will need to drop or reduce paying Escorts for personal moments, so that I can see what else is around for me. What options and realities exist for building a more open and transparent connection with a woman that wants something similar.

Thank You!

I owe so much to the Escorts and fellow travelers that I have met. As a result of these experiences, I value myself more. I know some of the amazing things that are possible in a new life for myself. I have sought psychological, physical and emotional improvement. I have lost weight, I am getting fitter, I take more pride in my appearance and I have more fun. I have a sh^t-load of fun!

I am probably not going anywhere for long. I will probably be in touch with a lot of people that I have met on this journey. I will probably make bookings and be intimate with Escorts that I have met and that I adore, but it will be in a new and open way. Who knows, you may see my face, my real name and if I keep this Percie Blakeney character around, it will be because his persona was a valued part of this transition, and a part of the fun.

I don’t know exactly where the journey will take me now, and that is part of the fun. Thank you for getting me here and thank you to those who will be part of the next adventure.

I am not sure whether blogging and social media will still be part of my journey when I get back from my overseas trip. If not, I will leave all of this here for a while. If it is, then no doubt I will have new stories to tell and some may be about relationships and experiences that sit in between Escort bookings. Thank you as always for your readership, especially my repeat offenders and friends.

Xx SP 26 September 2017.

Clingy Clients

Dealing with jealousy and envy …

I have been known to have very strong feelings for the Escorts that I see. So I guess if you read many of my blog articles, you would class me as a ‘clingy client’ – that would be fair enough and hard for me to challenge.

I guess since I have written on this, I talk about it on Twitter, and I generally throw off that ‘vibe’, I also get asked questions from other equally clingy clients. I was asked one such questions recently and it made me think on “how do I deal with this ‘clingy-ness’ and associated feelings of jealousy, envy and abandonment?”

HarbourNights

The Trigger Question

So I was asked … “I need to ask you for my benefit, how did you deal with <Escort that I adored> being with somebody else intimately or when she flirted with other clients on Twitter. I am really struggling with my feelings for <Escort that he adores> and I want to keep that all under wraps, please tell me if there is anything you did that I need to know?”

Wow, what a great question. I don’t know if I have a real answer, because the challenge of sorting through feelings, positive and negative is hard. It is a journey that we are all on, and I am still wading through this very territory myself. Anyway, for whatever it is worth, here is my response.

Some Thoughts On ‘Clingy-ness’

I try to look at it this way. I would never have had the opportunity to meet her if it wasn’t for her profession. She would never have seen me, or continued to see me if she wasn’t working as an Escort, and if I wasn’t a caring, good client, that she wanted to keep seeing, as long as I kept being a good client and kept paying.

The memories and adventures that I have are some of the best in my life. They changed me as a person, they come back to my mind often, and they spur me on. I am getting fitter, healthier (in mind and body) and trying to be a better man, in a very large part because of her. To be worthy of more experiences like that, and maybe one day to have experiences like that with a woman that I can meet, who doesn’t have to have me pay her – not that I mind if I do.

The fact that I had to share her with other men (and women) led to moments of intense jealousy and envy. Those feelings hurt, but they showed that I cared. I also hurt for her when she had a bad booking, or was down, or wasn’t getting enough work, or just had a shitty day. I hurt because she hurt.

When I was only hurting because I hurt, missing her, jealous, envious. I reminded myself that was because I love her and want her to do well, be well, be happy. I wanted a little part of that for me, when we were together in our amazing moments and occasionally in between, and that she wanted to see me again and again was most of the time enough for me.

I also reminded myself that she would not have been in my life at all, if she hadn’t decided to be an Escort, and if I had not decided to become a paying client.

Now that she is completely gone, I would have that back in a heartbeat.

Missing her now, is far harder than the occasional jealousy of another client or some comments on Twitter. I have lost all of her. But even then, I can’t be unhappy for very long. We had what we had for as long as we could have it. Special, unique, unrepeatable moments that will stay with me forever!

I am one very lucky man! Cling to the moments! Be glad of how they came about. It came about because at the time she chose to be an Escort and I chose to be a client. We all have to appreciate the things that allow that dynamic to occur, or all of those moments would never have existed.

Not really a solution I know, but a reality. Thank you for reading. This time I have given you something shorter, but I hope it has some meaning for you too.

Xx SP 13 September 2017.

Winter’s End

Change is often painful …

Thoughts on a dark period for Percie.

I’m back, perhaps? This is my first blog article in almost two months, following a period of three months in which I wrote forty-five pieces. What happened, where have I been and why am I back?

This is a personal story of change. So much has changed in the last five-months while I wrote this blog and then during the more recent hiatus while I didn’t. This is going to be self-serving, over-thinking and a rambling return to writing. So get out now if that isn’t for you.

EmptyBottles

The Honeymoon is Over

Not that far into my journey as a client of escorts, I remember a dialogue on Twitter with a far more experienced ‘client of sex-workers’ in another country. I was rambling on about how amazing escorts were, how mind-blowing the experiences were, and why doesn’t everyone do this? His reply was, ‘of course … you are in the honeymoon period, it’s all new and there is no baggage, no entanglements and no regrets’. I remember thinking, what the f–k is this idiot talking about, don’t kill the buzz like that. It will be different for me. Of course I was the idiot, but most of us have to learn these lessons for ourselves – especially me.

Then that early period comes to an end. You see behind the ‘glamour’ that many escorts and many clients are profoundly sad and have holes in their souls that they are trying to fill or forget. No different to every other human in many ways, but exposed when the intimate engagements that are the hallmark of this industry show them, play with them, sometime soothe them and sometimes inflame them. It is an exciting and rewarding exchange, but like everything, the strength is also the Achilles-heel, the same intensity impacts on negative things like envy, insecurity, anger and emptiness.

My Transition

I was very lucky. The start of my journey and the end of my ‘honeymoon’ period were in many ways clearly marked out for me, in retrospect at least. If you have read my piece ‘My End of Summer’, you will know the end. In reality it isn’t exactly that clear cut. Just like my becoming a client was actually a complex life-transition, so in many ways is this shift. The obvious point of change is the retirement of my longest and closest companion, an Escort that I had fallen in love with. A sudden ending, and then the process of letting go is hard. Much harder than I expected. It really is a type of grief, complete with all of the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). Denial and anger passed quickly for me. Bargaining was a surprise and one I may write about one day. Depression lasted a long time, not clinical depression of any type, just a very down period connected to the specific events occurring at the time. I hope I am now in acceptance and will come to what that means shortly.

In addition to this trigger, I had other stuff going on. Two close deaths, elderly relatives but painful and connected to my own mid-life existential and mortal angst. I have an unwell daughter, the worst of all my real-life issues, but both too painful and too personal for this forum. I had work issues, domestic issues and some other surrounding real-life dramas just to make sure it was coming from all directions. Many people I know are dealing with worse, maybe you are too, I hope that changes and improves, but this was a big emotional load for me. The perfect time for change.

Percie’s Transition

Within my journey as a client of escorts, it wasn’t just the retirement of my longest standing companion. There were other ‘end of the honeymoon’ moments. Another companion that I also adore seemed to be having her own turmoil, well hidden but apparent, and had largely withdrawn from contact and public channels. There were others that I liked to converse with in social media and messages who also seemed to be backing away from the same contact points (primarily Twitter). Then of course there was this blog. My cathartic desire to write, led to an audience (who knew) and some of that audience didn’t particularly like Percival Blakeney.

I don’t mind a bit of banter, exchange and even the occasional argument. I’m not as well equipped to handle this with a light-touch when I’m already down and damaged, as I found out for the first time. It hurt when a couple of escorts who had actually met me turned away and even went on the attack. It hurt less getting attacked by those that didn’t know me, but it still managed to ‘get under my skin’. There is a certain perverse irony in Escorts complaining that people misunderstand them and then laying into an online client that they know nothing at all about. Being blocked and bullied was just another experience, but it really hurt when others I did care about started suffering collateral damage. A few escorts and clients that know me said kind things and then promptly got targeted as well.

I wasn’t enjoying being a target, but I really went into a downward spiral seeing other people I liked and cared for being hurt on my account. Some other kind people sent private messages and offered to comment publicly. I asked them not to. This is a journey for me, mostly positive, sometimes not, but it isn’t my livelihood, it isn’t my real-life reputation, and it isn’t my peers and close friends. I don’t want anyone putting things that important at risk just to stop some mild online nastiness, the type that those very same kind souls face in greater volume and stronger viciousness every single day.

Of course when you’re down, that has a shame cycle all of its own. It made me want to defend them instead, hold them and protect them, that made me feel like a stupid ‘white-knight’ and risk speaking out for people who can (and do) protect themselves better than I ever could. Just another sense of worthlessness and irrelevance for someone already beating themselves up for being a failure as a father, a partner, in business, a friend, a client and even as a fictional online character. Compounded by my own neglect of contact with people I had connected with and thinking of my own sorrows instead of supporting others with theirs.

Hard Lessons

I already look over many of the blog articles I wrote between March and June with some concerns over my naive views. They were all true and all emotionally valid for me when they were written. Since they are my journey, I am leaving them. If I would summarize my shifting perspective, I would emphasize the idea of ‘bookings-as-moments’ more. They are real and fake all at the same time. However since it is two ‘real-people’ together, alone and mostly free from external distraction, they are as pure as almost any moment in time that this modern world creates. The moments should be respected and valued.

As for what happens between moments. Some of that is real and valuable too. However most of what happens online isn’t real and isn’t great. Most of the entanglements between moments aren’t great. They are better considered as admin, marketing, chatter or worse. Only a small amount of it is real-connection and valuable, inter-personal exchanges. Those rarer high-quality items, if they exist for you, should be cherished but in many ways they sit aside and independent from the moments that escorts and clients create together – hang onto them and don’t get caught up in the ‘in-between’ spaces.

I spoke on friendships and connections in past articles, and I think they are rare. It isn’t surprising that we chase them. It just shouldn’t be a source of angst, causing us to miss or ignore the fun, strength and amazing moments that escorts create for their clients. The companion that I loved isn’t my friend, she is gone. Gone to have a glorious life and be a young woman on a different path. I will always have those moments to remember and maybe our paths will cross again. It is just the simple reality that without our client and escort connection, the transactions, the moments and the in-between spaces, our lives just don’t intersect anymore. The escort controls this, because an ex-client can NEVER take the initiative with contact once the business relationship has ended. Friends can reach out to each other, ex-clients must remain silent. An ‘ex-client’ without invitation is less able to make contact post-retirement than any other person on the planet – for that reason we may think about each other, but the ‘ex-client’ is forever prevented from being a friend. That is one very tough lesson.

I think when I retire as a client or other close companions retire, there may be a few connections and possibly even distant friendships. This might happen where we already have contact because of other things happening in each of our lives. I think that it will in a couple of cases, and that makes me very fortunate. However, each of these is a case-by-case thing, that will have to survive that moment when the ex-escort says that it is fine to contact, because no quality ‘ex-client’, would ever take the initiating step. This is obvious really, but in the cold, hard, light-of-day, it is a bitter pill to swallow for people chasing intimacy and filling holes in their lives. Why? Because it speaks the truth that no matter how connected and special the moments feel, they are a fantasy bound by a transaction and industry rules of engagement. Those rules are forever! The only person that can change that dynamic is an escort and only once the transaction (or future transaction) is removed. That is always going to be a very, very rare thing indeed.

Back from the dead!

So I am back – sort of. Things have improved in my life in many areas. I am getting healthy with a personal trainer, I am seeing a counselor and I am once again listening to positive voices more loudly than the negative ones. Instead of ignoring good advice, I am taking it and embracing it. I have lots of life transitions ahead, but I see them as positive and progressive, rather than negative and stalled. I have grieved for my youth, missed opportunities, my early escort experiences and my retired angel. Alright, all of those are still a work-in-progress, but I am at least on the right road.

Percie has changed and so has his pilot. All my life I have been an introvert and a thinker (alright, an over-thinker). That point I made earlier, our strengths are our weaknesses – well they made me a world-class strategist (strength of thinking and introversion) and not a very good emotionally-connected person (same deal). I have always been shifting slowly towards being more of a natural extrovert – a life long journey of ‘faking it till you make it’. I had never thought though, that the thinking bit would shift to feelings. Well it seems that bit-by-bit, with the help of trauma, experiences and role-models, it is. Take a look at 16-personality-types (Myers Briggs) model for some background.

I have always been in the ‘Architect’ (INTJ) personality type – good for my job, not always so good for my life. I thought I was drifting to ‘Commander’ (ENTJ) personality type (swapping the introvert for extrovert one day). Instead, it looks like I’m tipping over into ‘Protagonist’ (ENFJ) personality type as my engagement with the world becomes more feeling and socially led. Percie has probably always been my ‘Protagonist’ self, but the ‘pilot’ is following his constructed reality. I would miss Percie if I retired him, he needs to help with my personal transition for a little while longer yet.

I won’t be writing as much. I won’t be so down. I may not even keep this going or even Percie going for that much longer. I don’t know and I don’t really care that I don’t have a plan. I’m going to do what suits me while respecting others and I’m going to celebrate my transition either on these pages or with the people that are important to me. Whether they are important in the moment and moments we have together or for some longer and unspecified connection.

If you are still reading my articles thank you. If my own journey, roller-coaster and drama filled period hasn’t dislodged you yet, then I guess you’ve decided to stick around. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Xx SP 28 August 2017