Staying in the Moment

Getting the most from a booking with a wonderful escort.

Embracing the fantasy!

A booking with an escort is a unique moment in time. Almost assuredly the escort has prepared for the moment, and any client wanting a good experience will have done the same. The escort and client meet at an agreed time, spend an agreed amount of time together, and then conclude at an agreed time.

Something unique and never to be repeated has happened, it may have been awful for one or both parties, it may have been amazing for one or both parties. A purchased and completely customised service has been produced and it has been consumed. A ‘moment-in-time’ has existed, never to be repeated in exactly the same way ever again.

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Moments and Forever.

In the fairy-tales, those perfect ‘soul-mate’ relationships end with a ‘happily ever after’. We are taught, conditioned and perhaps in some respects biologically ‘wired’ to seek a lasting connection. In the sex-work world, specifically the escort-client experiences discussed in this blog, it is not a unending relationship, it is a moment.

The client usually wants a ‘moment’, an ‘experience’, that is without entanglements and coordinated like booking a show, or conducting a business meeting. The escort wants to deliver a service with a start and a finish, that earns money for the time and effort committed. Everyone involved wants it to be a moment and yet so often there are entanglements and residual issues.

Celebrating a moment.

One of the best pieces of advice I have received in respect to seeing escorts is – be true to the moment. The escort-client booking was born to be a moment. The absolute best ones are the magic that dreams and life-long memories are made from. I have only recounted three of mine so far in this blog, Degustation Dream, Harbour Lights, and Holiday Hideaway, mainly because people don’t seem that keen to read about other people’s bookings.

Bookings like these, and I hope ones that you have experienced and are perhaps reminiscing about now, are encapsulated moments. It is these little, joyous, memories of a single event, little perfect ‘bubbles in time’ – that are how a great escort-client booking can and should be. Those of us the participate in this industry are lucky humans indeed to have these unique memories, unlike most other relationships and intimate encounters.

So what goes wrong?

We can’t always stay within or true to the moment. We start to assume that it means something about the future. One great moment, especially if followed by another, then another, becomes addictive. If these are connected to the same person, we may ‘fall in love’, or otherwise develop a dependency upon this person as our connection, our bridge, to our growing addiction to these ‘great moments’, something I discussed in ‘Loving an Escort’.

In addition, we may not believe the fantasy of the moment was as strong as it seemed at the time. We look for reinforcement, endorsement, between-booking contact and other confirmation of the joy we felt, especially when we are feeling down, needy, insecure, or have had a bad experience somewhere else in our life.

This isn’t a client versus escort divide. Escorts may also want connection to certain clients that bridge certain moments and outcomes. They may also seek client and colleague confirmations when they are feeling down, or under siege from the not-so-fantastic elements of life that exist between these fantastic fleeting moments.

Imbalance – when it means more to one person than the other.

We don’t always see these connections and confirmations in the same way, or with the same intensity, as the person we are seeking them from. An escort can use this ‘moment addiction’ and ‘endorsement need’ to build dependence and support their business. A client can use the same to extract unfair outcomes from escorts in a variety of manipulative ways. In many cases, both parties suggest to each other that there is a strong ‘connection’, a bridge between moments for both of them. Sometimes there may be, but perhaps more often, the promise of a ‘greater connection’ may be more of a fantasy than those gladly shared and created within the confines of a booking.

Celebrate the moment!

So I had a ‘moment of fantasy’ before I wrote this article. I had one the week before, and I had a number before that – some I have discussed within this blog. I keep having great moments with some of the same people. Not surprisingly I am becoming addicted to them for the moments that we have together. I am also becoming addicted to some of the same people for the confirmations, endorsements and support that they give me at other times – allowing me to feel better about myself and my escort experiences when I need the emotional boost and ratification.

Some of my ‘over-thinking’ and article-based analysis lives in the spaces between these moments of fantasy. With some escorts it is important to me that there is a connection that is not only bound by the constraints of a booking, that there is some connection that exists in the ‘grey-area’ in between and around them. It is joyous to think that this ‘bigger connection’ exists and traumatic when we discover that it doesn’t – that in some cases it was all a charade.

So the best solution, in the vast majority of cases, is just to live within the ‘moment-of-fantasy’, the boundaries created by the booking alone. Celebrate, live-within, remember and isolate these as amazing little stories. Something that clients and escorts have, that pretty much the rest of the world does not.

If you can’t, and in some cases I can’t, then at least be prepared for the fantasy to be destroyed. Maybe, if you are super fortunate one of these ‘chain-of-moments’ may just have a ‘spark of forever’ about it – some amazing hybrid combination of booking moments as well as a non-booking connection. Unfortunately when you put it like that, it sounds even more unlikely, but then maybe I am a tragic romantic after all.

Enjoy the booking for what it is! If you get more, take it, appreciate it, be thankful for it, but don’t expect it – after all, it is not part of the agreement.

Thank you for your readership. As always comments, sharing and engagement here and on Twitter are most appreciated.

Xx SP 2 May 2017 (article updated 3 June 2017).

Loving an Escort

What happens when a client falls in love with an escort?

Falling for a sex-worker.

I am in love with two escorts, and I have feelings of love for a few others as well. Maybe I fall in love easily, maybe I have just met amazing women, or maybe it is that clients fall in love with escorts far more frequently than many of us may think.

So what does it mean and how do you (OK, I mean me) manage this? It’s not like we’re about to run off into the sunset, these feelings need to be accepted, but they also need to be managed. Let’s take a look at the awkward topic of falling for an escort, complete with a few uncomfortable admissions from me.

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So is it really love?

Recently I was reading another wonderful blog by the amazing Sophia Duvall called ‘Minding your step: love and the escalator’, it was talking about how clients should try and “not overstep the emotional boundary while still engaging in intimacy”. It is an amazing piece, go and read it now if you want but please remember to come back. The article suggests ‘steps up a ‘virtual’ escalator’ as representing levels of relationship progression, and the idea of stopping at the appropriate ‘step’ or level for the nature of the relationship.

It is a great visual image of the natural increasing levels of intimacy that can and do occur, but also the need (or appropriateness) to stop at a certain position and ‘hold’ it there. We are all ‘trained’ to seek fully-expressed and singular love (the top of the escalator), instead of stopping at a particular place (on the escalator), and enjoying that place (for example a very close client-escort connection). I am going to refer to these ‘steps’ in a few different ways to illustrate my own ‘escalating intimacy’ and feelings with escorts, how these differ from other relationships, and how I have attempted to manage the feelings and the relationships.

Different types of love – climbing the steps.

We can use love in a broad sense. I love specific things about most of the escorts that I have met. Any combination of their beauty, youth, sexual freedom, skill, intelligence, style, smell, discreteness, honesty and so on. You get the point, at one level we ‘love’ certain compartmentalized things. We all probably focus on something we ‘love’ about a person or a particular moment or memory as a focal point for building intimacy and connection.

Perhaps if enough of these ‘features of loving focus’ are present, it becomes overwhelming and we are effectively ascending the ‘virtual escalator’ and we find ourselves ‘in love’ with the whole package. We are in love with the person or some other collection of their attributes such as their ‘escort persona’, the ‘experience’ that they offer, or some other construction that is meaningful to us. We experience so many positive things that negatives are ignored and we ‘fall in love’ with the whole person.

Different barriers to love – stopping at a specific step.

In most client-escort relationships, there is a profound difference between the participants. Let’s be totally honest. One person is paying another for a connection that would be unlikely to exist without the financial incentive. The financial element is bridging a gap between ages, experiences, social confidence, society’s stereotypes of beauty, limitations in time and availability and other barriers. Money is bringing two people together who, for at least 9-times-in-every-10, would never get together intimately otherwise – that is why the escorting business exists.

The client wants the ‘service’ of the provider. For this reason, it is far more likely for clients to fall for escorts than escorts falling for clients (I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen, just that it would seem rarer). So the first barrier is that the client’s ‘love’ is very unlikely to be reciprocated by the escort. That is a good reason for every client to stop their ‘climb up the escalator’ before their protestations of love for an escort leave the escort with no choice but to end the connection due to the level of inappropriate intensity.

Clients at risk of fully developed ‘love’ for an escort need to find a way to accept the reality, enjoy the connection for what it is, and accept what is offered as sufficient. Let go of the dream and enjoy the wonders of the available reality. Pushing for more ‘steps up the escalator’ with someone who cannot ‘go any further’, will break the connection and destroy what level of returned intimacy is possible within the dynamics of a professional escort-client relationship.

My own journey.

I said as the ‘teaser’ at the start of this piece that I love two escorts, and that is true enough. I am a long-way up that ‘escalator’ in these cases, far further up than the escorts that are the subject of my attention are in respect of their feelings for me. That ‘gap’ creates some issues. I am sure that they are concerned that I am too committed and of course for me, knowing that my ‘level’ cannot be returned creates some pain from the difference between my head and my heart. There is always a ‘gap’, between a client looking for intimacy and an ‘escort’ just wanting a good client, so these issues exist all the time. When the ‘gap’ becomes extreme, it can certainly trigger problems.

We all have our complicated psychology and the things that make us who we are. In some ways, I pine for my youth. In trying to capture as much of it as I can before it is gone for good, I love two escorts in my ‘persona’ of reliving a lost past. I love them, because if I was twenty-years younger, I would ‘pull out all stops’ to try and build a relationship with either one. The reason it is a ‘strange love’, is that I know that they are not going to ‘date’ me, I just want to imagine it while I’m in that mode of feeling young. If I was reliving my youth, my heart would ache to be their real-life lover. When I am out of that ‘mode’, I just hope for continued intimacy and friendship. I hope that they care about me just a fraction of how much I care about them.

There are some other escorts, slightly older but younger than me, that I would date if firstly my life circumstances allowed it, and secondly if I was to learn that they had any real feelings for me. This is really the ‘seed of love’, where you can see someone is compatible enough to want to explore where it might go – maybe a pathway to love and see if you can ‘climb the escalator’ together. Again there are barriers between the fantasy of seeing an escort and the harsh realities of life. In a different place and time, I would like to see where the road went if some of these ‘constructed dates’ became actual dates instead.

Then as I said earlier, there is love of features, aspects, experiences and other elements of the whole. I think any client who re-books an escort repeatedly, must at least love some aspect of that escort, the experience, or the resulting feelings. Whatever the trigger is, some ‘aspect of love’ and desire must remain to stimulate a need to reconnect and re-book. There are so many forms of love, and it is so intertwined with interpersonal need and intimacy, that it is always going to play some role within the client-escort dynamic.

Going all the way!

Sometimes however there is no stopping feelings, they grow and there is no preventing the ‘escalator’ from progressing all the way to the limit. If you are a client who is truly, madly, and deeply in love with a woman you met as an escort, there are really only three choices. Say nothing and learn to accept what you receive, pursue your love knowing the almost certain response is full rejection, or end the relationship to protect your own heart. None of these are good decisions, because in any case of unrequited love, the lover is always going to lose. “Loving is a losing game”, Amy Winehouse, but life without love is an empty life – just don’t expect to find it in the client-escort world – it is a ‘Unicorn’ (borrowed from the piece on ‘Chasing Unicorns’).

As I re-visit this article, events are transpiring that are further highlighting how deep these feelings go. A particular connection is coming to a close. I have held myself ‘on the escalator’ by sheer force of will and tried to “say little and accept what I received”, as a way of remaining connected, enjoying the relationship and preventing it collapsing under the pressure of the ‘gap’ between my feelings, and the limited amount of affection that can be returned by an escort. Now that it is ending, I don’t need to contain how strong these feeling are, the problem is that the result of ‘letting the constraints go’ is heartbreak. I am still too connected to what my escort-life persona wants, and I am going to find this relationship very painful to let go. The one constant note of joy, with me all the time, is that I was very, very lucky (profoundly blessed) to ever have this relationship in the first place.  

So many aspects of this topic have been left uncovered. It seems like I will also be able to write something on ‘Client Heartbreak’ at some point in the near future. Please add your comments, share, re-post and let me know what you think. Thank you Bella Skye and Will for your comments on the first version of this article. Thank you all for your readership and to those who just keep supporting this blog – I love you so much for your continued support.

Xx SP 28 April 2017 (updated 31 May 2017).