Hiatus Perspective

Traveling in April was a well needed chance for a review.

Making a personal reassessment.

When I first drafted this article, I had not seen an escort for more than four-weeks. I know that doesn’t sound like much of a break, but it was the longest hiatus for me since I started upon this adventure. Instead, as some of you know, I went traveling and I took the opportunity to do some thinking.

I tried to think about my future. What did I need to do to be better, be aligned with my real self, get more enjoyment out of life, and be a good person to be around for myself and for others. So here is a little insight into that thinking and how it has been progressing since the first release of this article.

HarbourCocktail

Some of the triggers for making change.

One of the triggers for ‘reassessment’ I had already hinted at in this blog in the piece on Relationship Breakdowns. It was an ending with an escort that I liked very much, a person that I had been seeing regularly since almost the beginning of my client journey.  The last part of the last message that I received from her was as follows …

“… there is much I like about you but what I like most about you is your money. If this hurts you remember that I am a sex worker, I do this because I like money and this is how we met. And if this hurts you then maybe you aren’t cut out for being a john after all.

Either way, there’s no going back from this. I think it’s time to accept that our relationship has come to its natural end.”

This very painful conclusion to what I thought was a great connection has been on my mind, and to be honest, is still on my mind. The more confronting parts of this exchange, combined with other personal issues and some other recent negative experiences with escorts made me look at my travel break as a badly needed chance to get some space, think about recent events and return with a plan.

The beginnings of a plan.

I have been needing more from my Escort interactions than it is fair to expect. From the lonely and unfulfilled position that I was in when I started this adventure, I needed physical and sexual fulfillment, and I also needed more interpersonal connection and deep personal intimacy. I put these two things together into the same sought outcome. In some way, I thought that regular and extended (mainly dinner) bookings with escorts might address both groups of needs – especially with escorts where I felt a strong connection. Maybe in some rare cases they can be combined, but for the most part this is asking too much on the relationship, too much from an escort. I have been coming to the party with the wrong expectations. So what does this mean for me?

Friendships with escorts.

In my real-life (I would rather say public life, as it is no more real to me), I deal with clients and offer a personal service. I consider many of my clients as friends. They however don’t know if I am a ‘real friend’ to them, or just a ‘friend for business’, until the client relationship is over – money in any walk-of-life gets in the way of knowing this for sure.

I am in the reverse position in the client-escort world. I hope that friendship has developed in some cases of strong and sustained connection, but I can’t know that it actually exists until the business is over, an emotion and topic that I started to explore in my Friends and Lovers blog. So now, after having been hurt on more than a few occasions, I am going to try and just focus on the ‘business at hand’, and let the friendships, if there are any, sort themselves out over the fullness of time. I am going to be a little more of the ‘ghost’ persona that I described in the blog article and respond to escort communications rather than seek to initiate them.

Since drafting this originally, I do however have to admit that is a work in progress. If anything, I have been in exactly the same position. I am unclear as to whether I can separate bookings from the gaps in between them as much as I had hoped.

Changing my booking behaviour.

None of this means a change in who I am. I can’t help but try to be a gentleman. I feel that regardless of the transactional nature of this business, a client should always try to be charming, good company, as good as they can be at sex, well mannered, clean, respectful, courteous, generous, interested in their partner and play their part in making the experience as rewarding and memorable as possible.

In some ways, this is the same set of behaviours for building friendships, but from now on, I am going to consider it as building a good client-escort connection, and not assume that it is also building a friendship outside of that business relationship. That actually means at least two significant changes for me as this year progresses.

A new adventure.

Part of my booking ‘decision making’ was built around friendship and a sense of related obligation. No escort has any obligation to me and I need to reduce the sense of obligation that I feel toward them. If called upon to be a friend, then I will of course be there, but I no longer feel that it is an obligation to make bookings in the belief that I am helping a friend. I will make bookings on where I believe I will get the most enjoyment in the same way I expect that escorts will take bookings from where they achieve the greatest level of their own goal and need fulfillment.

I will look to the best fulfillment of my physical, sexual, intimacy and enjoyment needs. This will certainly center around escorts I have come to know and feel enjoyment with, but I am aiming to remove any guilt, pity, obligation and any other negative considerations from the way I make decisions about who I ask to see.

Other changes.

I will also be making other changes in my life. I am going to travel more, for its own sake, to learn about new places and meet new people. I am going to get therapy to deal with some of my ‘need to be liked’, to be a friend and gain fulfillment from other life choices in the areas where seeing escorts is not the best pathway. I am going to have fun and I am going to be fun to be around for others in my life, inside and outside of my sex-industry encounters.

I am going to continue to see escorts (and write about it here, in the same generalist and discrete way). Some regulars I am keen to see as soon as possible. I have missed them enormously while I have been away. I may however change from primarily ‘dinner dates’ and look at other booking durations and formats as well. I am undecided on what this means in practice just at the moment, but I am going to try other experiences – more interesting bookings, even if that means less of them in total.

Communication changes.

I am also going to change the way that I communicate. In my work, when a client contacts me, I am responsive to their business needs. Sometimes I send clients that I am less interested in ‘signals’ when I don’t really want their work, or I am too busy to take on any more – this signal is often non-contact or non-response.

In assuming that escorts might be friends, I try to ignore signals that they are too busy, not really interested in seeing me as a client, and I accept a level of delay and need for me to re-contact that I wouldn’t expect in a transactional relationship. I may, as a result, have been guilty of ‘bothering’ well mannered but apparently uninterested escorts into bookings because I put their disinterest down to friendly forgetfulness. Trying to ignore signals that perhaps my business wasn’t wanted.

I’m not going to be that guy anymore – I’ll ask once and assume that non-responsiveness is the real answer. Part of my issue with at least two of my escort relationship ‘break-downs’ was expecting communication and then asking why I wasn’t getting any response.

Exploring my own sexuality.

I am also ready for some other experiences beyond ‘dinner date’ girlfriend (GFE) experiences. I think that in dropping some of my need to ‘build a friendship’, I can experience some bookings that are just more primal and more intensely focused on the sex or other aspects of the experience. I guess I am looking at practitioners in other areas of sex-work to see where my interests start and stop.

As a person with a largely ‘vanilla’ experience of sex, I have a lot to learn, and parts of me to awaken that I don’t even know what they are – they have been dormant for a very long time. This isn’t just for sex, I am opening myself up to other experiences in my life as well.

In my more regular bookings, I believe I will look for some chances to experience other things with trusted regular companions, travel, extended dates, sharing other experiences together, and opportunities for me to have new experiences, fun and enjoyment before time passes and those chances are lost. Hopefully constructing these experiences in a way that is new for my companion as well.

Avoiding being hardened by hurt.

The biggest realization from this hiatus is that I will not be hardened by hurt. I have not been hardened before in my life and I will not be now. To some people this makes me soft and easy to take advantage of. I reinforce my life-long view, that being ‘soft’ and sustaining hurt is far better than being ‘hard’ and immune to emotion. I will keep opening up and seeing what the world can bring. I am simply changing what I personally need to receive from the part of my life that is booking escorts. A personal expectation and contribution to sex and intimacy in the moment, and less expectation around between booking contact and emotional reinforcement of friendship.

One day, I hope this whole adventure leaves me with some industry friends, close companions I met along the journey. I really hope that a few of the people I have met already are in that class of connection. For now however, I am recommitting myself to having fun and new experiences, and doing so in a manner that is respectful, sustainable and thoroughly enjoyable.

I am back from hiatus, I am back writing and I am reinvigorated for what lies ahead.

How is this all progressing?

Now a month on, and several bookings back in to my journey as a client, I am troubled by this article. Of all the articles I have written and then updated later, this is the one where I feel I was mostly talking rubbish. I was trying to tell myself that there would be changes and that I had changed. I haven’t, at least not so far, and if anything I am more troubled by my failure to disconnect ‘booking moments’ from ‘ongoing connections’ than I was before my travel break.

At the time of updating this article, some specific things are playing out. Some drama in other parts of my life, as well as some changes with escorts that I care for. Together they have left me needing the connection with these escorts more than ever. I felt this article talked a good game, but if you want to know if it is real, at least real for me, it isn’t. It was idealistic and aspirational – underneath I am a quivering mess, seriously impacted by a couple of very minor things. As the parting words of my long-term regular said, ‘maybe I’m not cut out for being a John after all’.

I am almost tempted to delete this article, but it is part of my journey as well as the others after all. It certainly shows how confused and conflicted I really am.

Please comment, re-tweet or contact me with feedback if you feel inclined, and thank you (once again in many cases) for reading my self-indulgent articles.

Xx SP 19 April 2017 (article updated 22 May 2017). 

Harbour Lights

Reminiscing on a wonderful booking – another date story.

Some moments capture a relationship.

This story is another moment in time. My second article telling the story of a magical date, another perfect escort booking. In some ways this is harder to tell than ‘Degustation Dream’ and I am glad that I am committing this wonderful evening to a story now, before too much more time passes.

The fact that I have had the great fortune to see this amazing woman on many occasions, means that if not recorded now, the great experiences we have shared together may start to merge into each other. That isn’t a bad thing, it is just that I am trying to tell the story of just one of our many great encounters, not the story of how much this person means to me, and how great a collective set of experiences can be. That however may be an article for another day, one I feel that is fast approaching.

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Lightness of being.

Sometimes you just feel good. This date started with a walk to the restaurant as the summer sun was beginning to lower in the late afternoon sky, arm in arm after my beautiful companion exited her Uber on arrival. The weather was beautiful and the harbour-side was buzzing. We each took a couple of quick photos of the view and then headed into the restaurant.

Cocktails of course! Then a quick catch-up, we were after all way past the ‘getting to know you’ stage of early bookings, now having a shared history and established conversation short-cuts. Then a wonderful meal, simple elegant dishes. Small incredible photogenic and delicious entrees, followed by amazing mains and then of course desert – with more cocktails! The meals were delicious and beautiful, the harbour view and city magnificent to behold, but the most beautiful sight was my glowing, happy companion. Impossible to take my eyes away, she was also being watched by other envious and curious restaurant guests as well – it’s hard to miss a beautiful radiant soul, especially when their smile, eyes and being are alight with happiness!

After dinner stroll.

It wasn’t a long walk to the hotel. A beautiful summer evening we took our time soaking up the balmy, perfect weather and chatted on the way back to the room. One of my favourite hotels, with similarly impressive views over the harbour as our restaurant. Some champagne, some giggles and some slow undressing with plenty of kissing while still talking and relaxing, we gradually moved into post-dinner nakedness.

My desire for this companion, now that we are well acquainted, comes from friendship, comfort, her incredible intellect and deep emotional soul and her endless joyfulness, lightheartedness and focus on adventure and fun. I try to be these things, but as you will know from my writing, I can be pensive, over think things and sometimes get caught by the negative emotions that we all encounter in life. Just thinking of my friend pulls me out of those moments, being with her is like the clouds are lifted in the emotional equivalent of a perfect summer’s day.

Having said all of that, when I see her naked in my company, it is one of the most sexually exciting and stimulating moments. In so many ways, things about this companion are now ‘happiness shortcuts’ in my life. I constantly carry around memories and triggers that bring me back to those happy moments – perhaps most of all, the ethereal lightness of being after a most amazing meal, a walk around the harbour in the company of a most perfect companion. Concluding the booking with yet another wonderful evening of brilliant and passionate sex.

After the day.

We have been to shows, events and numerous restaurants, they have all been wonderful too. Sometimes however relaxed conversation, good food and a city putting on a special evening is enough to create simple perfection. To me this companion is exactly that, the representation of a perfect summer evening.

If you read my article on ‘Friends and Lovers’, I hope and believe that this companion is also my friend. She is also occasionally a ‘ghost’ (see article), after all, who really can hold continuous joy in their heart at every moment. I have learned to let the bookings be the moment and enjoy the sporadic communication in between. This was a challenge for me for a while, but as you learn more about a person, you also learn to appreciate differences in style. This young woman has taught me a little about letting go, enjoying the moment and letting gaps be meaningful and lighthearted. I may be learning to appreciate the step-in and step-out strengths and meaningful highs of a ghost-like connection. I am also learning to have fun and enjoy the adventure.

As I said in my last ‘perfect date story’, I hope you enjoyed hearing about this booking and even more so, I hope you have had similarly powerful and pleasant experiences all of your own.

Thank you for your readership. Feel free to comment here, share and give me feedback on Twitter. I hope that my perfect date story reminds you of some of your own.

Xx SP 3 April 2017 (article updated 19 May 2017).

Single Booking Sadness

A view on ‘one-night’ stands between clients and escorts.

Why did he only book me once?

I wonder if some escorts I have only booked once, may have been left questioning, what went wrong? Where did he go? So this blog article is about what happened to make our booking an orphan.

I hope that escorts don’t think back to ‘single-bookings’ with any melancholy, confusion or sadness. I sure do! I actually feel reminiscent and sad about these ‘lonely moments’ fairly regularly. The longer that I have been a client, the more I think about missed pathways and why no one discusses: Why did it only happen once?

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The ‘one-night-stand’ of the escort-client world.

In my mind, these single-bookings are sad little orphans. Moments that happened once and never led to a sequel. They are rarely spoken about, and in my opinion are more common within the companion (escorting) segment of the sex industry. Why? In my view it is because escorting is about far more than sex, it is also about connection and companionship. After sharing a short intense period of intimacy, it would be reasonable to wonder: Why was there no follow-up booking?

As you may know from this blog, most of my escort bookings are longer ones, primarily dinners. Sometimes I book an escort for a short ‘first meeting’, although on many occasions it is straight to dinner. That means that although it is ‘paid’ and a business exchange, it is also a dinner date. The ‘paid part’ means that it is the client (for these stories me) who didn’t ask for a second date, and it would be reasonable for the escort to have wondered why, especially when everything went so well.

Of course no one asks and no one tells – it can be a lonely and painful industry for both worker and client. So this is my chance, in a very general way, to explain why we ‘dated once’ and never saw each other again.

So what are the reasons?

I found this article fairly hard to write and more emotional than I expected, as some of these meetings are still very strong memories. I won’t talk numbers or specifics, but some detail may be required. Firstly, I can say with hand-on-heart, that I have not had any terrible escort bookings, so it is never from regret over the first booking. Although the strength of connection and enjoyment of each individual experience may vary significantly, I have never been in the position of wishing that I had never booked a particular escort. Every experience was welcomed and positive!

In a way that is one of the reasons this is awkward and difficult, no escort should think that they didn’t create a quality booking – at least none that I have met so far. So the reasons are less logical, more personal, more experiential and in many cases as accidental as deliberate. So what happens to make a booking the beginning and the end?

Ships passing in the night!

One set of reasons for a single date are geographic, and other logistical barriers that reduce the frequency of opportunity to see a particular escort. Seeing an escort while on tour or when the client is traveling can make it harder for subsequent bookings as the opportunities have to re-align. Almost half of the escorts I have only seen on only one occasion were because they were on tour or I was in an uncommon location. I would see many, at least half of these ‘time and place’ opportunistic bookings again, if the chance presented itself again.

The sad thing is that I don’t really keep in contact with most of this group of escorts, as not knowing when I might see these wonderful women again makes me reluctant to use up their time in social media, emails or texts. So in the end, the half that I would see again, didn’t get any more feedback on our evening together than the half that I don’t plan on seeing again. One person in particular, in a city I rarely get to visit, is oblivious to how much I liked her, the the amazing quality of our evening together, and how much I would like to see her again if the stars were to align. It would be nice to be able let these escorts know how well the booking went, but without the evidence of a follow-up booking such messages seem hollow and unbelievable.

How important is post-booking contact?

So just as an escort may think ‘where did that client go’, after feeling that a booking went well, clients (or at least I) often end up with the same post-booking doubts and questions. What I’ve noticed in putting this article together is that I have a number of ‘once-only’ bookings that I felt were magnificent. I thought we had a great time, the connection was strong and we both said things that felt like we would see each other again.

When I compare some people I’m still seeing with the ones that I haven’t re-booked since, one of the big differences is ‘post-booking contact’. I always send something (text or private message) that is meaningful and true as a thank-you for the booking. The escorts that later returned a communication, saying something meaningful and positive, for example re-enforcing how the booking experience felt, are confirming and endorsing the connection.

Rightly or wrongly, a positive post-booking response from an escort, sends a subtle signal that a re-booking request would be welcomed. No response, or a very ‘luke-warm’ one, sends a different signal – the signal that a request for a re-booking may not be as welcomed. It should be no surprise to anyone that escorts I never heard from again, especially after a follow-up message of my own went cold, have not heard back from me.

It is a subtle emotional thing, but really believing that the ‘moment’ together was good often takes a message of reinforcement in the ‘cold, hard light of day’. Of course this is subject to discretion and privacy, the care of not breaking confidences, and largely I am talking about responding to a client’s ‘post-booking’ message or once it is know that corresponding is safe and welcome.

Whether there is any actual difference, or whether this is just good marketing, at the end of the day doesn’t matter. Being contacted made me feel good, being ignored made me feel bad. The being ignored removed, or placed significant doubt, on the feelings of ‘how special the booking was’ and discouraged me from making a re-booking request. There are a few still memorable instances, where one kind word after the booking would have made me arrange a second booking, but they are now on my list of ‘one-time’ connections.

Failure to connect.

Sometimes we just fail to click. It could be the circumstances, a bad day or it is just not meant to be. We are not meant to get along with everyone. As I mentioned, I don’t have any disasters, but there are some meetings that didn’t go so well and once was enough. If an escort felt this way too, it would be more than fair for her to ‘signal’ that she didn’t want to see me again, by ignoring any communication and not reinforcing anything positive from the date. This is some of the subtle signalling that escorts and clients use with each other, it would be sad of course if better connections evaporated due to some missed chance to communicate.

A long-time between drinks.

The final group in my experience (so far), are the escorts that I would like to see again, but haven’t as yet. In my case, that list is not large but it does exist. There are some escorts I have seen and I have every intention of seeing again, but some time has passed since our first meeting. The reasons are varied, just like any plan that is taking a while to make happen. This is a difficult scenario too, as it is hard to keep ‘lines of communications’ open with somebody that you aren’t ready to re-book just yet. It is easy to look like a ‘time waster’, even if you have seen someone before, if there is a long-time between drinks, literally!

Constant dialogue seems awfully like time-wasting and is difficult for both parties. No communication is also terrible for the obvious reasons. So the longer this gap goes on, the harder it is, in some respects, to go back for the sequel. How do you explain that you want to re-book, but it may be many months before that chance comes. In some ways, you just have to treat this like the other ‘one-time’ bookings that never moved on – until it is time to make that second booking. This has its own issues as both of you know it will also be likely that a third and subsequent booking are also going to have long time gaps in between them.

How do we fix these dilemmas?

I doubt that there is a solution and in addition to the scenarios above, are other types of clients including those who only want to see any escort they meet once. My suggestions are that escorts who had a good time with a client – let them know, make them feel good, and maybe they will be more likely to re-book. For clients, give the escort positive feedback even if it sounds hollow or has significant time gaps. For all of us, realise that just because it only happened once, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t great. I have some very fond memories of some of my ‘escort one-night stands’.

Thank you for your readership. I hope you remember some of your single bookings fondly. Your sharing, comments here and on Twitter and any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Xx SP 21 March 2017 (article updated 13 May 2017). 

Perspective is Everything

Real escort dates as they look from different viewpoints.

The role of perspective on enjoying escort bookings.

I have been in a bit of a funk since December last year. For the first few months of this ‘low patch’, I unwittingly coloured some of my escort bookings with a ‘darker view’ when contrasted with those back in 2016, when I was in a happier place.

A recent personal scare, from someone in a far darker place than me, highlighted this negative outlook. I knew I had unkindly skewed perceptions, while I was caught in my own minor ‘down patch’. It started me thinking, have my dates been less exciting and positive, or have I just coloured them through my own dark lens. How important is perspective?

Perspective

Six date stories.

The following are all real escort bookings, they all occurred in early 2017, and nothing is made up, embellished or untrue. Of course I am keeping them general and unidentifiable, except that some of the people involved may be able to guess – but be careful, you may well be wrong. Plus remember I am trying to illustrate a point here.

Date One a four-hour lunch date that ended after only three-hours, with the escort leaving an hour early.

Date Two an overnight booking, it included the evening equivalent of a four-hour dinner date, but the next morning when we woke, there was no intimacy beyond a brief cuddle in bed.

Date Three a same morning cancellation by the escort of a long-planned four-hour lunch.

Date Four a four-hour lunch date where no items of clothing were removed for the entire date by either of us, the only intimacy was a few minutes of kissing.

Date Five a first booking, I left the high-quality room to the escort overnight for some impromptu doubles profile photos. I was slightly disappointed to never receive a thank-you or follow-up communication, despite seeing the photos turn up on a newly launched profile.

Date Six a long date that included attending an event. On the next-day, I was surprised to receive a demand from the escort for extra payment to cover missing another booking, as the social component of our long booking ran well over time.

My perspective on this ‘bad run’.

I felt that my wonderful run of 2016 had come crashing down and that 2017 was turning into a train-wreck. There are some other more ‘identifiable’ stories that I am leaving out, but let’s just say there were more than the six above, including some rather nasty incidents if all of the truth was told. Of course it wasn’t all disappointing booking stories, so let me tell you about six more 2017 bookings.

Six more date stories.

Date One was a wonderful first date with shared stories on our real-life professional areas, amazing intimacy and a very strong connection that was allowed by the escort to run overtime.

Date Two had so many elements to it, that it is hard to describe here. It was a complicated meeting to arrange, but the best parts of it are highly memorable and pleasing to recall for a wide range of reasons.

Date Three was a long-awaited catch-up with an escort that I am exceeding close with, it was unusual booking for both of us, but I believe our strong connection continues to grow even stronger.

Date Four was a first meeting that happened on a tragic public day, it was a wonderful date and was followed up at a future meeting that was thankfully free from external dramas.

Date Five was an agreed re-booking that led to me meeting one of the sweetest and most amazing people I have discovered. They continue to give me amazing support and I always enjoy seeing them immensely.

Date Six is with one of my long-term companions who later returned for a shared spa massage, some food and some lengthy relaxed conversation.

A change in perspective.

So you have probably worked the structure of this article out already. Both six date stories are exactly the same six bookings – with just their order mixed around. 

The points are all true, and either would be a reasonably accurate description of the booking. The first six date stories are the view of a person (me) who is in a poor frame of mind – feeling down and sorry for themselves.

The second view is the view of a person (the new me) who has re-examined the event, is in a better frame of mind and is really looking at the overall wonder of these bookings, rather than the small insecure doubts and ‘parts’ of the encounter that can play on the mind of someone in a dark place.

The very depressed perspective of someone very close to me, has been one of the triggers to make me rethink my own 2017 experiences, and realize that I am the person creating my own reality.

Perspective is everything!

We all go through ups and downs. Perhaps some of us are more inclined to positive perspectives and others to negative views.

I am not trying to change minds here, all I am saying, drawn from my own very recent experience is … if you go into a complicated human encounter – you know, a booking with an escort – and you are in a negative frame of mind, the world will look that way. If you can forgive the small incidents, errors and human idiosyncrasies and look at the overall picture, you may find, like I have, that with a different perspective life, your booking(s) and your human connections are all pretty good. I am changing my tune – 2017 is going to be great, hell, it already is!

An epilogue of sorts.

There are a few people (not mentioned here) that are also currently suffering from a ‘poor perspective’ of their own, and a couple of them still owe me a reassessment in the same manner as mine, and perhaps in some cases an apology when they are in a better place in their lives.

I’m not really worried about that. I have however also made regrettable choices in my own ‘down time’ and with the benefit of a changed perspective, there are some people that I have hurt. Hurt people hurt people. Happy people generally don’t. So while I was hurting in my own modest way, I did my share of damage. I have tried to remedy this, but to anyone I am still re-building with, and to one person in particular, I am sorry it took me this long to get back to a positive perspective – that has been your wonderful advice to me all along!

Thoughts and your experiences are both welcome. Please however don’t criticize any of the ‘dates’ above, none of these people deserve it, it really was my perspective on what was in every case a quality booking (that is why I choose them for illustration, because they all had something negative and so much more that was positive – it was all a matter of perspective).

Xx SP 18 March 2017 (article updated 11 May 2017).