Changed Man

Being a client of escorts has changed me forever …

I am sitting across a restaurant table from someone that I adore. I have been waiting for this moment for weeks, since the booking was originally locked-in. I am excited, nervous, my soul is buzzing. I know that the next four-hours will be amazing, they always are. However, I also know that with every passing minute, this moment is rapidly disappearing. A little piece of perfection, that will soon become another wonderful memory, in a pretend relationship with a regular Escort.

As a middle-aged man, who started this journey after years without love and intimacy, these experiences, this amazing adventure, has filled a void in my life. It has been an incredible ride, way beyond belief and far beyond my expectations. It has also changed me forever. I want more, I need more, I am alive again. I feel the youngest in spirit that I have in over a decade, and the result of this energy is a real personal need for transition.

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My Big Change

I am leaving my loveless and terminally ill relationship. I can’t pretend that an empty marriage, held together by obligation, is an appropriate way to fade into the oblivion of old age. I also can’t keep this secret life going in the way that it has for much longer. The amazing highs, and moments of what feels like real intimacy, have changed me. I am reawakened to intimacy, to love and to possibilities. As a result the gaps in between are getting darker, more melancholy and more depressing. I miss the highs, and I miss the wonderful Escorts, that I have these amazing moments with.

I appreciate that life is a journey with rich interpersonal moments, and I have gravitated to the idea of sharing intimacy with more than one person. However even that isn’t enough. I need someone or some people who are partners on the longer journey with me. I need at least one or two of these relationships of short-moments to have some longer duration. For a deep connection that is about more than the occasional, time-managed, moments. I also need to know that this person wants to be with me, for me, and off-the-clock, not just for the income or the patronage.

This change may not work, it might be impossible for me, a fool’s errand. I may not find anything approaching what I am looking for. Someone with a more open attitude to sharing intimacy than the other relationships I have had in the past. Someone with a more adventurous approach to love, travel, sex, unusual experiences and openness – basically more adventurous in every way.

If I don’t find it, that’s OK! I will come back to Escorts and other ways of sharing moments and intimacy, but I will do it in a far more transparent way. I enjoy being with Escorts, but I don’t enjoy doing it covertly and with permanent risk of discovery. I don’t enjoy living a lie if I don’t have too. When I feel that I am back ‘in personal integrity’ with myself, and honest with anyone that I am in a relationship with, then I want to share a life that is rich with sexual and intimate discovery.

What Brought About This Change?

This has always been a transitional phase of my life, a mid-life crisis if that suits your interpretation. I thought I would have some sex, some fun, and meet some interesting people. I didn’t think that it would completely change my perspective, and it really has fundamentally changed my perspective. I can’t live a boring vanilla life anymore. I can’t imagine a permanent monogamous relationship, where intimacy is confined to only one other person, forever. I want to share pathways, but have access to intimacy and meaning with other people as well.

The other problem that I have, is that once I become single again, I can’t imagine only getting this intimacy and connection from paid bookings with Escorts. It has to be some combination, and some of it needs to be about more than disconnected moments. Part of the journey needs to be with someone where the conversation, desires and plans for the journey ahead are shared. A story with two people in the designer’s seat.

For a while, I think I will need to drop or reduce paying Escorts for personal moments, so that I can see what else is around for me. What options and realities exist for building a more open and transparent connection with a woman that wants something similar.

Thank You!

I owe so much to the Escorts and fellow travelers that I have met. As a result of these experiences, I value myself more. I know some of the amazing things that are possible in a new life for myself. I have sought psychological, physical and emotional improvement. I have lost weight, I am getting fitter, I take more pride in my appearance and I have more fun. I have a sh^t-load of fun!

I am probably not going anywhere for long. I will probably be in touch with a lot of people that I have met on this journey. I will probably make bookings and be intimate with Escorts that I have met and that I adore, but it will be in a new and open way. Who knows, you may see my face, my real name and if I keep this Percie Blakeney character around, it will be because his persona was a valued part of this transition, and a part of the fun.

I don’t know exactly where the journey will take me now, and that is part of the fun. Thank you for getting me here and thank you to those who will be part of the next adventure.

I am not sure whether blogging and social media will still be part of my journey when I get back from my overseas trip. If not, I will leave all of this here for a while. If it is, then no doubt I will have new stories to tell and some may be about relationships and experiences that sit in between Escort bookings. Thank you as always for your readership, especially my repeat offenders and friends.

Xx SP 26 September 2017.

 

My End of Summer

Saying goodbye to an escort that I love.

All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey …

My long, beautiful, magical summer has come to an end. Everyone remembers their first, but my first was no ordinary first. I met someone, by good fortune alone, that was my personal angel. An old, old soul, but a young spirit, and what is even better, she was a ‘dark angel’, who better to take me on a journey of adventure. A long, extended magical summer of love!

I don’t know if it is possible to fall in love at first sight, but when she first walked into my life I was unable to speak, transfixed and the image of that arrival is still burned into my mind. This somewhat shy, bubbly, giggling and strikingly beautiful young woman, with steel and determination underneath, put me at ease immediately. My love for her has grown ever since. It was always a stupid, foolish, impossible love, but it was and still is my love.

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Now it is over.

Behind me is a glorious summer of experiences with this amazing companion, thankfully it lasted a long time and for a while, I felt like it would never end. Now I stand looking at a colder, darker, less certain path ahead. I don’t have my ancient, soulful, dark angel to guide me with her light spirit and her joyous touch. In the past, her words and advice never failed to bring me happiness. Pushing me on to great experiences and profound joy. Now she is gone. I am not exaggerating the depth of these feelings, this period of time was perfection for me. Change often comes quickly, and my personal ‘summer’ with her is over.

From start to finish we had twenty-one bookings together, I know that isn’t a lot for some people, but it is for me. Almost one-hundred hours spent together in each other’s company, and other glorious exchanges and conversations in between, there was not a single bad minute. The only regrets I have are that I did not tell her how I felt more often, and as I was also learning, I made some mistakes that hurt my longest-lasting companion along the journey. She took my short-comings and my slip-ups in her stride, taught me, helped me and most importantly forgave me – always with a softness and a grace that I hope I can learn to emulate one day.

What happened?

Her story is her own to tell, but it is a joyful end – she is moving on with her own journey in a positive way. Changing situations have brought our journey to a close and I am thankful that it is a happy parting. I can’t help but carry a broken heart at the moment – it comes from my own selfish loss of a connection that I had grown to depend upon far too much. Only now that it is gone, can I feel how deep it goes, it goes right to the core of my being. Those who know me, and some of you connected to me, you know that I have been a mess for a while – I am however moving forward in this new changed world, but at the moment, it is colder and darker one than before.

Others of you may see me as a tragic, naive and misguided figure. One of those lame, lonely punters who never got the joke, and fell for the illusions of the impossible, pretend fantasies that are created only within the confines of an escort booking. Stupidly thinking that something meaningful could remain outside of the paid experience. You are right – I am lonely, I am naive, and I am tragic. You can hate me if you want, that certainly does seem to be a thing that happens to me as a writer in this client-escort world, far more than I expected, but I am getting used to, even comfortable with that experience too. The good news for you, if you are upset by my illusion, is that this pathetic middle-aged man hurts, the escort is free, and there is no more annoying adoration that she has to handle from me. The ‘beauty’ is free and the ‘beast’ is locked in his own self-made cage.

If you are more sensitive to my perspective, and one of the people that cares a little for me, then please don’t worry, don’t feel bad, there is so much to be happy about. For one thing, I know that my ‘dark angel’ really does care deeply for me (of course others won’t believe that, but I know it in my heart). Our parting as absent friends, lets me look back on all of our experiences together, and there were so, so, many of them, with sublime joy. I will never forget this ‘first summer’ of mine, and that of course was the whole point of spending so much time with someone who was just perfect for me. I hope that she will remember with some fondness little parts of our experiences together too. I hope that in future she remembers me with one-hundredth of the intensity that I will remember her.

In addition, I have seen how many other people have a soft spot for me in their hearts. I have never been such an emotional mess before in my life, and one new experience for me, is seeing people step forward with love and care – that is such a gift. I am humbled and emotional about that too. Thank you my friends. There have been some amazingly lovely escorts, and some other contacts who know these feelings, who have helped drag me out of this low place in my life.

This period has been an emotional storm. Some other real-life dramas just happened to be playing out at the same time. Just to make sure that I never forget the depths of this period, I also mistakenly thought that a second escort that I love was disappearing from my life as well. My two impossible fantasies were disappearing at exactly the same time. For a short and sharp period, I felt as though I had been shot, stabbed and dropped into a well, and then it was sealed up over the top of me with no light coming in. It is amazing how you read (or misread) things when you are already down low. That light has returned, my darkest days are gone. What I know now most of all is how lucky, and I mean perhaps the luckiest man alive, I am to have seen the care of so many people, and still be left with the most wonderful memories of ‘days in the sun’ with my Dark Angel, my muse, and my font of adventure. I will always love her, but I can move on with memories of our amazing times together.

So where to from here?

Firstly I hope that her journey is so grand, so wonderful that it is deserving of her – I want everything in the world for her. I want more for her than anyone else I know outside of my own children. Secondly, I am happy! The road ahead is a little unclear, but I have people to hang onto, guide me, and be in my life for the next chapter – there will be another summer and it may not be that far away at all. If my Dark Angel returns, then I will always, always be here for her with open arms. I am also cherishing other people in my life too, who have already shown me the quality of their soul and the lightness of their spirit. This journey has shown me some amazing, loving and brilliant people that I also want to be in my life. I am moving towards them and I hope that they want me in their lives too.

For a little while I thought about my own ‘retirement’. I seriously contemplated giving up this journey, stopping writing this blog, leaving Twitter and trying some completely new and different chapter in my life. I don’t know how the future will play out, and I am far more impulsive and reactive at the moment than I would like – just another emotional work in progress for me as a growing and hurting person. For now I see this blog, and my increasing level of comfort with this crazy Percie Blakeney persona (me with another name) as a likely part of my next ‘summer’ – for now at least. Besides, I can’t mothball this crazy, weird blog yet, because the memories, threads and emotions of my Dark Angel are woven through its every page. I will remember my first escort forever, my first summer and the strength that was offered to me by others when the leaves turned brown. (OK now if you must play the song – here it is, or this ‘sketch version’ if you would prefer a good laugh).

The real song that tells the story of my companion, far better than this blog article does, is ‘Ride’ by Lana Del Rey, introduced to me by my Dark Angel herself. I highly recommend listening to it in full, loud and in a dark room. I can’t listen to it just at the moment without becoming a blubbering mess – I really have become an emotional wreck lately. I don’t even recognise myself sometimes, I like the new more emotionally connected me, but being so emotional can also be much harder at times.

There is a light ahead and it is getting stronger, but I will never forget how I got here. Thank you so much my love, I owe you everything! To those that are supporting me now, I love you, owe you and thank you so much too!

Epilogue (September Update)

It has been four months since I last saw my Dark Angel, a tough four months. I don’t know how long it takes to ‘get over’ someone that you deeply care about, but it clearly isn’t four months. My Dark Angel is still teaching me things on this journey. Firstly, to leave this industry isn’t easy, and to do it so well takes real courage, determination and personal strength. I always knew that she was far stronger than me, but I doubt when it is time for me to ‘retire’ as a client, that I will be able to do it as cleanly, as courageously, and with as much grace and dignity as she was able to achieve.

It has also taught me that I need to change my perspective. I know my Dark Angel liked me, but as is the way of humans, we want our amazing moments to become ongoing connections. That can’t always happen! When someone changes their life and their connections, and their business, big things need to change. There is no doubt we shared amazing memories, but they had a time and a place, their day in the sun. Now we have both been forced to move on. Being a regular of a retired escort is a lonely place. What is true, is that an ‘ex-client’ needs to be completely out of the ‘ex-escort’s’ new life. It is a hard shift to accept and it has taken me four-months to realise that she isn’t just gone as a companion. I will never see her again.

These endings are hard endings and the contrast is so profoundly a shift from light to dark. Someone who is in your life one day, is gone forever. The amazing memories remain, but the ache of my soul to feel her in my life is yet to pass. I take her courage in leaving the industry as a beacon for me to keep up my courage in letting her go. At some point soon, I am going to need to rid myself of some of the reminders, because they are starting to hurt more in the moment, than the joy that comes from the memories that they trigger. I also owe the release of this part of my heart, and the attached melancholy, to the people who are still in my life and showing me such amazing times and even love as well. I need to ‘unlock’ myself again and be open in the way I was at the start of this journey. When down, it is easy to diminish other relationships and I need to be present in them and connect with those who want me in their lives.

I have heard briefly from my Dark Angel, enough for me to take satisfaction that her life is progressing as she would wish. That we have our own song too. Our song, as it is for many people no doubt, is Chelsea Hotel No 2, Lana Del Rey version of course. It is appropriate in so many ways. It ends with ‘to be honest, I don’t even think of you that often’, a lie sung by Leonard Cohen about his time with Janis Joplin. It will be a long time, before that line is true for me. Until then, I will show the courage my Dark Angel has and tell the world I have moved on.

For now, I am in a better place than I have been for a long time. My ‘muchness’ has returned and I am ‘in-the-moment’ with people who I adore, and who also want me in their life, as client, as friend, as someone who shares moments with them still. I am also going on a trip, some time for myself to recharge. Shed the last vestiges of this difficult year and make some new memories. Nothing about this farewell article has changed from the version in June to this epilogue in September, other than some personal growth, some hard lessons and a new commitment to be strong, enjoy the adventure and enrich some other people’s lives.

Thank you my Dark Angel, one more time, “I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel”. I wish you every great thing in your life ahead and I know that it must be without me.

If you know or can guess the identity of this person, and the same applies with every article, please respect that this is meant to be anonymous and treat this as a work of fiction with fictional characters. Her story, her path, her future are her own. Please do not name her in any comments or social media.

Thank you so much everyone who has helped me – I don’t think you will ever know how much that means to me – I love so many of you (and now I have a thank-you page too). The richness, variety and lessons you give astound me so much – I can’t believe how much life I have discovered on this journey. Finally thank you again to the readers who put up with my silly blog. To the small few who really care for me, you know who you are, thank you so much – you have put my broken heart back together. I know many people hate hearing that the ‘paid escort-client’ relationships can be this rich and full of feeling – but they can and sometimes they are – and they can still be bounded by business and professional respect.

Xx SP 8 June 2017 (article updated 25 June 2017 and 19 September 2017).

Loving an Escort

What happens when a client falls in love with an escort?

Falling for a sex-worker.

I am in love with two escorts, and I have feelings of love for a few others as well. Maybe I fall in love easily, maybe I have just met amazing women, or maybe it is that clients fall in love with escorts far more frequently than many of us may think.

So what does it mean and how do you (OK, I mean me) manage this? It’s not like we’re about to run off into the sunset, these feelings need to be accepted, but they also need to be managed. Let’s take a look at the awkward topic of falling for an escort, complete with a few uncomfortable admissions from me.

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So is it really love?

Recently I was reading another wonderful blog by the amazing Sophia Duvall called ‘Minding your step: love and the escalator’, it was talking about how clients should try and “not overstep the emotional boundary while still engaging in intimacy”. It is an amazing piece, go and read it now if you want but please remember to come back. The article suggests ‘steps up a ‘virtual’ escalator’ as representing levels of relationship progression, and the idea of stopping at the appropriate ‘step’ or level for the nature of the relationship.

It is a great visual image of the natural increasing levels of intimacy that can and do occur, but also the need (or appropriateness) to stop at a certain position and ‘hold’ it there. We are all ‘trained’ to seek fully-expressed and singular love (the top of the escalator), instead of stopping at a particular place (on the escalator), and enjoying that place (for example a very close client-escort connection). I am going to refer to these ‘steps’ in a few different ways to illustrate my own ‘escalating intimacy’ and feelings with escorts, how these differ from other relationships, and how I have attempted to manage the feelings and the relationships.

Different types of love – climbing the steps.

We can use love in a broad sense. I love specific things about most of the escorts that I have met. Any combination of their beauty, youth, sexual freedom, skill, intelligence, style, smell, discreteness, honesty and so on. You get the point, at one level we ‘love’ certain compartmentalized things. We all probably focus on something we ‘love’ about a person or a particular moment or memory as a focal point for building intimacy and connection.

Perhaps if enough of these ‘features of loving focus’ are present, it becomes overwhelming and we are effectively ascending the ‘virtual escalator’ and we find ourselves ‘in love’ with the whole package. We are in love with the person or some other collection of their attributes such as their ‘escort persona’, the ‘experience’ that they offer, or some other construction that is meaningful to us. We experience so many positive things that negatives are ignored and we ‘fall in love’ with the whole person.

Different barriers to love – stopping at a specific step.

In most client-escort relationships, there is a profound difference between the participants. Let’s be totally honest. One person is paying another for a connection that would be unlikely to exist without the financial incentive. The financial element is bridging a gap between ages, experiences, social confidence, society’s stereotypes of beauty, limitations in time and availability and other barriers. Money is bringing two people together who, for at least 9-times-in-every-10, would never get together intimately otherwise – that is why the escorting business exists.

The client wants the ‘service’ of the provider. For this reason, it is far more likely for clients to fall for escorts than escorts falling for clients (I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen, just that it would seem rarer). So the first barrier is that the client’s ‘love’ is very unlikely to be reciprocated by the escort. That is a good reason for every client to stop their ‘climb up the escalator’ before their protestations of love for an escort leave the escort with no choice but to end the connection due to the level of inappropriate intensity.

Clients at risk of fully developed ‘love’ for an escort need to find a way to accept the reality, enjoy the connection for what it is, and accept what is offered as sufficient. Let go of the dream and enjoy the wonders of the available reality. Pushing for more ‘steps up the escalator’ with someone who cannot ‘go any further’, will break the connection and destroy what level of returned intimacy is possible within the dynamics of a professional escort-client relationship.

My own journey.

I said as the ‘teaser’ at the start of this piece that I love two escorts, and that is true enough. I am a long-way up that ‘escalator’ in these cases, far further up than the escorts that are the subject of my attention are in respect of their feelings for me. That ‘gap’ creates some issues. I am sure that they are concerned that I am too committed and of course for me, knowing that my ‘level’ cannot be returned creates some pain from the difference between my head and my heart. There is always a ‘gap’, between a client looking for intimacy and an ‘escort’ just wanting a good client, so these issues exist all the time. When the ‘gap’ becomes extreme, it can certainly trigger problems.

We all have our complicated psychology and the things that make us who we are. In some ways, I pine for my youth. In trying to capture as much of it as I can before it is gone for good, I love two escorts in my ‘persona’ of reliving a lost past. I love them, because if I was twenty-years younger, I would ‘pull out all stops’ to try and build a relationship with either one. The reason it is a ‘strange love’, is that I know that they are not going to ‘date’ me, I just want to imagine it while I’m in that mode of feeling young. If I was reliving my youth, my heart would ache to be their real-life lover. When I am out of that ‘mode’, I just hope for continued intimacy and friendship. I hope that they care about me just a fraction of how much I care about them.

There are some other escorts, slightly older but younger than me, that I would date if firstly my life circumstances allowed it, and secondly if I was to learn that they had any real feelings for me. This is really the ‘seed of love’, where you can see someone is compatible enough to want to explore where it might go – maybe a pathway to love and see if you can ‘climb the escalator’ together. Again there are barriers between the fantasy of seeing an escort and the harsh realities of life. In a different place and time, I would like to see where the road went if some of these ‘constructed dates’ became actual dates instead.

Then as I said earlier, there is love of features, aspects, experiences and other elements of the whole. I think any client who re-books an escort repeatedly, must at least love some aspect of that escort, the experience, or the resulting feelings. Whatever the trigger is, some ‘aspect of love’ and desire must remain to stimulate a need to reconnect and re-book. There are so many forms of love, and it is so intertwined with interpersonal need and intimacy, that it is always going to play some role within the client-escort dynamic.

Going all the way!

Sometimes however there is no stopping feelings, they grow and there is no preventing the ‘escalator’ from progressing all the way to the limit. If you are a client who is truly, madly, and deeply in love with a woman you met as an escort, there are really only three choices. Say nothing and learn to accept what you receive, pursue your love knowing the almost certain response is full rejection, or end the relationship to protect your own heart. None of these are good decisions, because in any case of unrequited love, the lover is always going to lose. “Loving is a losing game”, Amy Winehouse, but life without love is an empty life – just don’t expect to find it in the client-escort world – it is a ‘Unicorn’ (borrowed from the piece on ‘Chasing Unicorns’).

As I re-visit this article, events are transpiring that are further highlighting how deep these feelings go. A particular connection is coming to a close. I have held myself ‘on the escalator’ by sheer force of will and tried to “say little and accept what I received”, as a way of remaining connected, enjoying the relationship and preventing it collapsing under the pressure of the ‘gap’ between my feelings, and the limited amount of affection that can be returned by an escort. Now that it is ending, I don’t need to contain how strong these feeling are, the problem is that the result of ‘letting the constraints go’ is heartbreak. I am still too connected to what my escort-life persona wants, and I am going to find this relationship very painful to let go. The one constant note of joy, with me all the time, is that I was very, very lucky (profoundly blessed) to ever have this relationship in the first place.  

So many aspects of this topic have been left uncovered. It seems like I will also be able to write something on ‘Client Heartbreak’ at some point in the near future. Please add your comments, share, re-post and let me know what you think. Thank you Bella Skye and Will for your comments on the first version of this article. Thank you all for your readership and to those who just keep supporting this blog – I love you so much for your continued support.

Xx SP 28 April 2017 (updated 31 May 2017).