Learning Experiences

Seeing escorts has some surprise benefits and great lessons.

Some of the Extra Benefits of Meeting Escorts!

Something I didn’t appreciate when I started seeing escorts, was how much I would learn! I’m not just talking about sex or the industry, I’m talking about music, philosophy, pop-culture, the arts, food, travel, marketing, broader opinion and a whole host of other surprise benefits.

I have spent a significant amount of time on this blog talking about what I have learned and experienced emotionally – maybe too much time. That is part of my personal journey and no doubt a big driver for many clients. It is however surprising how much else I have learned and experienced – much of it totally unexpected.

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A Journey of Elucidation!

So let’s start with some of the easy lessons! I have learned that I like quality French Champagne and a host of other food and drink items that I had never tried until in the company of independent escorts. Some of these are expensive tastes, and maybe that is part of the lesson too. I have grown to appreciate spoiling myself and others around me to enjoy and fully experience a moment in time – make it memorable and make it special.

I like trying new cocktails, despite the entertainment value that activity gives certain others to laugh at my apparently more ‘feminine’ drinking behaviours. I think I may even ‘play up’ to that ‘dinner date reputation’. It is great fun trying new restaurants, new food and new drinks with entertaining, experienced professional company. I have discovered that I love Ruinart Rose Champagne, Perrier Jouet Belle Epoque Champagne, Dom Perignon and other fine champagne marques – especially in the company of escorts who enjoy the same wonderful drinks.

In fact I have also discovered, as someone previously limited to red wine, whisky, gin and occasionally beer that I also like Clare Valley and European Rieslings and some other white wines, good saki and a host of weird and wonderful spirits and global drinks. Especially when I am sharing the experience with someone who loves the drink or food that we are trying together. As a previously typical Australian male ‘red meat eater’, I have grown to like seafood far more and even enjoyed vegetarian and vegan meals in great restaurants – although I have no intention of becoming vegetarian myself.

Broader Tastes and Opinions.

It isn’t just food and drink, although you can see that they ‘loom large’ on my personal radar. I have also heavily sampled the musical tastes of the escorts that I have met. People in my ‘real life’ wonder why I have such a varied musical collection now, that includes what I was listening too before meeting escorts, but now with so many more artists. Disturbed, Lana Del Rey, Halsey, Hozier, Tom Waits, The Civil Wars, Dean Lewis, Desi Valentine, Selena Gomez, Perfume Genius, The Lonely Island, and even, god forbid, Kanye West have all been added to my music playlists thanks to experiences with escorts. Of course when these songs play, they also bring back so many emotionally charged memories.

I have watched ballet with an amazing escort who learned dance herself, experiencing the performance in a new way as I observed how she interacted with the experience. Theater, comedy, concerts, movies and wandering the cities of Australia with companions that helped me see these things through different eyes. New experiences, new perspectives and new opinions, that have enriched my life. I feel that I have started exploring the world once again as a ‘younger man’, rather than settling into the same old stale pathways that many of my real-life colleagues are stuck within.

The Effects of Intimate Conversations.

I am a talker, that should come as no surprise to anyone who reads this blog. I generally have longer bookings with companions who talk too. Those I have seen repeatedly and then regularly have shared with me their opinions, their values, their beliefs, perspectives and philosophies. I have been enriched by these so much, I couldn’t even begin to describe the detail here. I have heard and experienced more spiritual views, travel stories, survival stories, cultural backgrounds, career stories and of course sex-work industry and escort and client origin stories. I have changed my views, opinions and beliefs about so many things, that I doubt I would fully recognise the ‘middle-aged’ man that I was at the start of this journey. I simply do not see the world the same way anymore.

Of course in experiencing so many views, and they are not at all the same. Escorts may have many things in common with each other, how they see the world away from escorting is not one of them, their individual views and experiences are totally diverse and incredibly broad. So another result, is that I appreciate a multitude of viewpoints on quite polarizing topics. I think that is why the rush to ‘one-view’ on social media and the ‘this is how it should be’ conversations surprise me, because in one-on-one conversations, the views, opinions and beliefs couldn’t be more divergent. I love that I now don’t have a singular view on many topics, I see myself on a journey of discovery in so many ways, holding disparate perspectives and wondering which one I might ultimately end up holding and believing. Maybe I will always hold divergent and conflicting views on a number of issues, because I can now see different but still often individually valid perspectives.

Sexual Experiences.

I am still so early on this road. In fact with each passing experience, I think I feel that the road is even longer and that I am even more of a beginner. I am astounded at how little most people know about their own sexuality and overall, how this area itself is perhaps one of the least progressed explorations in all human discussion. We are still in some crazy sexual dark age, where the bulk of the world doesn’t talk, doesn’t explore and doesn’t question their own desires and pathways to sexual fulfillment and enlightenment.

I guess for me, one of the first lessons to this being an individual pathway, is how different every escort is. It is hard to learn ‘what to do’ sexually, as everyone is so different. So there may be plenty of ‘what NOT to do’ lessons to be had, but sensitivities, desires, preferences, physical responses and every other erotic and emotional state is represented. It is difficult to ask straight up, ‘what turns you on?’, but it is something that compatibility, time together and openness to discovery help open up and reward within developing intimate connections. Another interesting thing for me, is that I have discovered I like, and get aroused by, so many different things, scenarios and situations and I’m discovering more all the time. I’ll leave this bit for other articles, but the take-away is that this is a longer, more progressive and changing sexual awakening than I ever expected. It is sort of exciting to think that I still have so much more to experience.

Industry Experiences.

One of the final territories of experiences is learning just a little about the escorting industry. It is a unique and interesting place, so similar to many other personal service markets, but so profoundly different at the same time. I feel those that suggest it is unlike anything else are missing many lessons and market realities, similarly those that suggest it works like other industries, are also missing the massive points of difference and unique things about this variable, secret and incredibly diverse industry (or industries).

It is also frustrating, the level of ‘un-declared’ war that sometimes exists between providers and clients. A partnership at times, a war at others, something I spoke about in more detail in the my last article called ‘Siege Mentality’. My own treatment and some recent issues, made me feel ‘on the outside’ and tempted to write some darker pieces. I am not going to do that, I have decided not to engage in any ‘war’ or ‘dispute’, I can’t see how that helps anyone, and instead be an advocate for partnership and a voice for my journey and experience alone. I have described in this article how profound and amazing my experiences have been, how much they have impacted my whole life, my whole persona and my whole perspective. That is what my blog and my articles and my experiences are all about.

Even the negative aspects of the industry have beneficial lessons to teach. There are ‘experiences’ that happen every day around hustling, time-wasting by clients outside of bookings and sometimes by escorts inside them, secret back-channels and breaches of privacy, ethics, cases of extortion, issues of client and escort mental health, escorts that hate men, clients that hate and abuse escorts, people who abuse the system, the effect of poorly conceived laws and inconsistencies, crimes against escorts (mostly by men but sometimes by other escorts), in-fighting, jealousy, envy, manipulation, two-faced behaviours, passive aggressiveness, escorts managing and pimping other new escorts, chasing escorts for other business interests, the massive recent influx of new escorts, falseness, negligence, criminality and the dynamics of what quieter periods do to the overall health of the industry, and so on, and so on, and so on. Anyone who has been around for a while, sees some of these things and more – it is a big and very human industry after all. This paragraph is the end of my negativity, it is a expression of some of the things that have played on my mind in recent times, and with this admission, they are gone. This blog is returning to my experiences, my lessons, my journey and a celebration of why I am here and what is great about the industry.

I intend to stick firmly within the territory of what is great about my experiences and why I continue, despite some truly negative elements, to be an active client of escorts and seek out the richness of experience that this industry and this journey has to offer.

Thank you for your readership. Next articles will include some booking experiences, some guest experiences – more celebration and just the hint of wrestling with issues and emotions as I navigate my own path as a client. The experiential benefits are just far too rich and rewarding to get caught up in negativity for more than a brief moment.

Xx SP 20 June 2017.

Secret Keepers

How much information do you risk to build intimacy?

Escorts and clients need to master secrecy.

I believe that secrets, or more accurately personal information, is the biggest conundrum in the escort-client world. Humans give information to each other to build connection, or share secrets to build intimacy if you prefer. Both privacy and intimacy are escort industry requirements, so how do you strike the right balance?

To make this harder, every escort and every client, is on their own different and personal position on the continuum between totally private and fully public. How much can be disclosed, and how much needs to be protected, is a different equation for everyone.

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Why are there secrets?

Escorts need information for screening, security and for some reasonable background research on someone they are about to be intimate with. This information in the wrong hands can be damaging. In addition many clients, myself included, are looking for companionship and intimacy in addition to sex, and that leads to sharing information about our needs, our story, our lives and our experiences. Some of this information can be the most personal and the most secret of information, and it is shared intimately and quickly.

Presented with this ‘client unloading’ of information, it would be hard for an escort not to reciprocate in information sharing in some way. In addition, one major way of showing intimacy and connection is exchanging trusted information, another thing that can be hard to resist doing. Escorts are also just as likely as clients to have issues in their life that they want to discuss and limited pathways that let them do this. Escorts also need to share information for the benefit of the industry and for personal learning and security – the temptation can also be to overshare for peer-to-peer connection building and even sometimes for amusement and entertainment.

The whole industry is under siege from society, so talking within it, about it, and between the participants in it, is not surprisingly about the only way to release, explore and consider important topics, experiences, information and secrets. Information is currency and it can be used for good or evil, it can be used to become intimate and trusted, it can be used to destroy and harm.

What are the rules?

When I first published this article, I thought ┬áthat this piece might generate some debate. It didn’t, most people seemed to agree the principles if not the practice and it seems we all know it is a big issue. How do we benefit from personal knowledge without abusing it? There are some legal rules, there are some generally accepted moral rules, there are some industry ‘norms’ and peer pressure (naming and shaming), and then there is individual personal position – personal position is really the rule set that applies. In one-to-one intimate meetings, it is going to be personal position that decides what is shared and what isn’t.

Some clients and escorts believe that nothing should be shared. Similarly some believe that lots should be shared. Escorts that publicly post relatively harmless (but nasty, derogatory or inappropriate) private messages from the identifiable accounts of ‘punters’ into public channels, and then complain about their own bad reviews or shared personal information, are showing hypocrisy in their values around disclosure. Similarly clients who complain about providing screening information and then post denigrating reviews of an escort on public forums, complete with intimate details, are also worse than hypocrites. Everyone has a different view of where the boundaries of fairness, trust and respect lie but some actions are downright despicable in every situation.

Defining the secrecy territory.

Most industry participants have some privacy barriers. Clients are often in a secret-life that most of their friends, family and colleagues are unaware of, they generally want them to stay unaware – in fact they need them to stay unaware. This fact is one of the biggest reasons for the industry existing in its current form and is also one of the best security mechanisms for escorts – the client’s fear of being ‘outed’ in their public life is a force for maintaining good behaviour.

Escorts have every variety of privacy, from total secrecy to celebrity status. Some escorts are part-timers with real-life professions that they would no longer be able to work within if they were ‘outed’. Others have not disclosed their escorting to family and friends. Some just want privacy and a separate life. Of course there are others that are industry beacons, spokespeople and look for marketing and exposure to become a part of their total public brand construction, they are out-and-proud with everyone. Every one of these approaches is reasonable and understandable, none should be shamed by others, and they all should be understood and respected in terms of information, privacy (or publicity) and secrecy. No one should force, by their actions, anyone to move beyond their position on this privacy spectrum by sharing inappropriate information.

Personal boundaries.

I am unusually both public and private. My personal information is totally private and yet I want to explore my experiences and thoughts in this public blog and a social media presence – anonymously – choosing the name of a ‘semi-famous’ fictional character known for his anonymity. You can choose to respect that decision and privacy boundaries or you can try and force me into a different place – one choice is respectful and generous, the other is self-serving and vindictive.

Escorts that I see know more about me (of course) and they generally keep it to themselves, except for information they know I wouldn’t mind being shared – that is in my view the best model. Escorts for the most part are brilliant ‘Secret Keepers’. Since everyone is different, if you need or want to share information, make sure you know that it is acceptable, you know what the other person is comfortable with being shared and the manner in which you are sharing it. If you mean harm or even just a negligent lack-of-care in its sharing, then you are not doing the right thing. If you are sharing it based around your values alone and not their values, then again, you are out of line on this most important aspect of the escort industry.

A story of two people and secrecy.

I have seen a wonderful escort called Jessie Lee Pierce, although I prefer to call her Doctor Pierce (I guess I could take the M.A.S.H. connection further and use Hawkeye as a nickname – a reference for us older types). I can tell you this for four reasons. Firstly Jessie is a relatively open book, very authentic, open and honest in her public presentation on a range of social media and online channels. Secondly, it is public knowledge through these channels that she is studying bio-medicine – much smarter person than me. Thirdly, it is pretty clear through my social media and through hers that we have a small (but highly valued by me) client-escort connection. Finally, I asked her if I could say this, and kindly (and hopefully safe from any resulting negative impact), she said yes.

Every part of this is a trust and permission story. Not every escort wants (some, any or all of) the clients they see to be known. That choice should be respected, so my social media occasionally mentions some of the escorts that I see and not others (also not always on the same day or with correct or identifiable detail – be careful believing what you see and read on Twitter) – it is a result of their choice, permission and preference. The information itself is important, every piece of information has a different sensitivity. I have shared something Jessie is relatively comfortable with, not the things that we discuss in private. It is never OK in my opinion to share ‘outing’ information – real names or similarly sensitive information. If it is because of a crime or malicious act, share it with the right people not in public forums. Again in my opinion alone, there are some reasonable exceptions to this for escorts, however protected forums, industry groups, and back-channels, are probably better than public posts in the majority of cases. Although even in those ‘back-channels’, there are unscrupulous people who will take advantage of private information. I have been trolled with information that was from a channel that I am not even meant to know exists – so be very careful with what secrets you share.

How to be a secret keeper.

Everyone makes mistakes, especially since this is a complicated and huge area. It is hard for many of us to talk to people outside of the ‘isolated’ bubble of the sex-work industry, so we talk to each other, and we are all interested disciples of the industry, dependent on the knowledge we have for our safety, enjoyment, industry friendships and building intimacy.

Since personal information is one of the ‘tools-of-the-trade’, managing it is a big deal. We are all secret keepers. If you have been in contact with anyone for long enough, the sharing and trust circle gets bigger and bigger. There are some escorts that know more about the deep, real me, than almost anyone else in my life, this often leads to them trusting me with similarly deep, personal, emotional and sensitive insights. No matter what happens, no matter how upset in the moment we are, remember hurting someone else will not heal you. Let’s protect each other’s sensitive information, then we can be more intimate, safe and helpful to each other in a world that is loosing some of this respect and personal connection.

As I’m sure you agree, this is a big, big, topic. It has so many aspects and will no doubt be an area that I return to in future articles. I hope it made you think about your own perspective on this topic and I would be most pleased with any comments (here or on Twitter) that you have. Sharing and re-posting also very much appreciated.

Stay safe, stay nice and build connections. Thank you for reading.

Xx SP 25 April 2017 (Lest We Forget) (article updated 30 May 2017).

Friends and Lovers

The complexity of friendship in a client-escort relationship.

What makes up a ‘Girlfriend Experience’ (GFE) booking?

This is not really an article for clients new to seeing escorts. Consider this more of a conceptual client-escort article on dynamics that happen over time. Everyone’s experiences are different, so maybe the concepts here might create some controversy or disagreement. The premise is pretty simple, ‘Girlfriend Experience’ (GFE) bookings contain two key components – sex and friendship that are extremely different dynamics.

Most escort’s detail their sexual offering in ‘services’ and this is usually a key booking discussion point. In this particular post, I am focusing on the far more problematic and complex area of companionship – or let’s be more honest, the part of the purchase that is about friendship – real or pretend.

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Classes of client-escort friendship.

Why do I take escorts on dinner dates? Probably because I am interested in the connection and ‘friendship’ as much, OK even more than the sex. So in a ‘Girlfriend Experience’ (GFE) proposition, hardcore sex is traded for contact, companionship, conversation and some element of pretend, or real, friendship. If clients and escorts get into emotionally compromised and hurtful territory, it is far more likely to be connected to the friendship elements than the sex.

Most clients understand that escorts are having sex with many other clients. Most escorts understand that a certain group of their clients are seeing many escorts. Few in my experience have trouble with this scenario. When you swap the words and say some escorts are making friends with many clients, and some clients are making friends with many escorts – then this scenario is one that a fair number of escorts and clients are not as prepared to deal with emotionally. The sex is for sale, but human connection and friendship is not. Although there are many levels with this, it is the minefield of the ‘Girlfriend Experience’ within the sex work industry, and one that I have already discussed in a number of blog posts on this website.

Five types of ‘client-escort’ friendships.

So with this article, more than all the others before it, I want to start a discussion. I am even hoping to see some controversy and disagreement. Again, from my own limited experience, I am going to put the ‘connection’ part of escort companionship, the GFE relationship, into five categories. I believe that you can class both escorts and clients in these groups, although the percentages and behaviours vary depending on whether you are provider or purchaser. Here they are …

Ghosts – this group disappear between bookings. There is no ‘companionship’ offered outside of the booking environment. This may be a great thing, it may be an awful thing, it depends on which group you are in, and whether you need ‘connection’, companionship and friendship outside of the booking itself. Many mainly PSE providers and very successful and super-busy escorts fall into this category. Many occasional and silent (invisible) clients are also in this category – this can be a low maintenance and highly valuable group if both of you – client and escort – are ghosts. I actually aspire to be a ghost, unfortunately for me at the moment, I’m in the class of needy clients that desire a message of reinforcement and friendship between bookings.

Scalpers – this group want to ‘add another scalp’ to their list. You may think that this is only a certain class of clients who want to see lots of escorts only once. You would be wrong. There are also escorts who want to ‘list’ certain ‘punters’. They want to showcase dates, gifts and in some cases, the lonesome friendship cries of some of the most needy clients to their peers as some sort of competition or proof of their escorting skill. It is very disappointing that this thinking exists in the minds of both clients and escorts and it is very hurtful to others not of the same mind or ‘industry as a game’ thinking.

Actors – an obvious skill for escorts and a questionable one for clients, is the idea of ‘acting’ as a companion and friend for the commercial outcome of the escort-client transaction. This is where the model normally starts for an escort – make a client feel good, not only sexually but in terms of attention, conversation, companionship, listening and other aspects of friendship. This is an understandable, and when it is well handled even a highly agreeable part of the service. It is strange however if a client feels they need to ‘act the friend’ either for game-playing, negotiating or some other strange motivation. I have no issue with escort ‘actors’, if I fall for the act, then well played to you my escort companion – especially if the overall experience is amazing. It is going to hurt in some circumstances (maybe later as a repeat client), but that is the risk of buying a Girlfriend experience – if I wanted a ‘real girlfriend’, then this isn’t the place to start and it is entirely a ‘buyer beware’ scenario.

Friends – if an escort and client have developed a relationship over time (repeat and regular bookings in particular), then some form of friendship is possible. Every long-standing escort probably has some co-working escort friends and possibly some client friends as well. Every long-standing client may also have some escort and even other journeying client friends as part of the experience. The cynic would say that this is almost impossible to know, until the ‘business part’ of the relationship has been retired. I have ‘placed’ some of my escort relationships in this ‘holy grail’ category to find that they were actually consummate ‘Actors’, and unfortunately in some cases even ‘Stalkers’. The ones that remain, I truly honestly hope that they remain friends – not best friends, just friends, after our booking days are over – I guess I am going to find out eventually, and I guess the number is going to be small, and maybe even zero. Sadly some escorts I viewed as friends have disappeared already.

Stalkers – last of all is when it gets out-of-hand. The connection, desired connection or some other element, takes it from healthy to unhealthy. A mismatched relationship where one person becomes obsessed with the other and acts upon this obsession. There are so many emotions, feelings and experiences in the mix here, and lets face it, many of us are needy, it happens that someone goes too far and moves into an obsessive mode (I am lumping all obsessive behaviours here together as stalkers). Escorts experience this far more than clients, but it happens in reverse too. It isn’t a pleasant place to be, knowing that someone is obsessed with you and not knowing what that means or how far they will go. It actually happens far more than people admit, escorts and clients have both told me very concerning recounts of experiences in this class of dangerous and needy obsession. Some are very scary indeed!

So what does it all mean?

Well once again I am big on setting the scene and unfortunately short on solutions. I really don’t have the answers. Stalkers are scary as hell. Friends are desired, but often an illusion and even more so in this ‘purchased intimacy’ environment, where acting ‘connected and friendly’ should really be added to most escort’s service list. If you are a ghost or are happy with an ‘acted experience’ then you, my wonderful amazing friend, are on a glorious ride. If you, like me, hope to find a few friends along the journey, then get ready for disappointment. For me, disappointment is fast becoming a friend all on its own, but I will find you – my friend – and we will beat the odds. In the mean time, I am happy with the escort that can act up a storm, but I wish I could better avoid the scalpers and the stalkers.

Thoughts, opinions and experiences please. This time, with this level of controversy, there must be some of you who want to debunk my romanticism or shoot down my unproven logic from some more experienced perspective or point of psychological science. I hope at least this made you think.

Xx SP 28 March 2017 (article updated 16 May 2017).