Changed Man

Being a client of escorts has changed me forever …

I am sitting across a restaurant table from someone that I adore. I have been waiting for this moment for weeks, since the booking was originally locked-in. I am excited, nervous, my soul is buzzing. I know that the next four-hours will be amazing, they always are. However, I also know that with every passing minute, this moment is rapidly disappearing. A little piece of perfection, that will soon become another wonderful memory, in a pretend relationship with a regular Escort.

As a middle-aged man, who started this journey after years without love and intimacy, these experiences, this amazing adventure, has filled a void in my life. It has been an incredible ride, way beyond belief and far beyond my expectations. It has also changed me forever. I want more, I need more, I am alive again. I feel the youngest in spirit that I have in over a decade, and the result of this energy is a real personal need for transition.

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My Big Change

I am leaving my loveless and terminally ill relationship. I can’t pretend that an empty marriage, held together by obligation, is an appropriate way to fade into the oblivion of old age. I also can’t keep this secret life going in the way that it has for much longer. The amazing highs, and moments of what feels like real intimacy, have changed me. I am reawakened to intimacy, to love and to possibilities. As a result the gaps in between are getting darker, more melancholy and more depressing. I miss the highs, and I miss the wonderful Escorts, that I have these amazing moments with.

I appreciate that life is a journey with rich interpersonal moments, and I have gravitated to the idea of sharing intimacy with more than one person. However even that isn’t enough. I need someone or some people who are partners on the longer journey with me. I need at least one or two of these relationships of short-moments to have some longer duration. For a deep connection that is about more than the occasional, time-managed, moments. I also need to know that this person wants to be with me, for me, and off-the-clock, not just for the income or the patronage.

This change may not work, it might be impossible for me, a fool’s errand. I may not find anything approaching what I am looking for. Someone with a more open attitude to sharing intimacy than the other relationships I have had in the past. Someone with a more adventurous approach to love, travel, sex, unusual experiences and openness – basically more adventurous in every way.

If I don’t find it, that’s OK! I will come back to Escorts and other ways of sharing moments and intimacy, but I will do it in a far more transparent way. I enjoy being with Escorts, but I don’t enjoy doing it covertly and with permanent risk of discovery. I don’t enjoy living a lie if I don’t have too. When I feel that I am back ‘in personal integrity’ with myself, and honest with anyone that I am in a relationship with, then I want to share a life that is rich with sexual and intimate discovery.

What Brought About This Change?

This has always been a transitional phase of my life, a mid-life crisis if that suits your interpretation. I thought I would have some sex, some fun, and meet some interesting people. I didn’t think that it would completely change my perspective, and it really has fundamentally changed my perspective. I can’t live a boring vanilla life anymore. I can’t imagine a permanent monogamous relationship, where intimacy is confined to only one other person, forever. I want to share pathways, but have access to intimacy and meaning with other people as well.

The other problem that I have, is that once I become single again, I can’t imagine only getting this intimacy and connection from paid bookings with Escorts. It has to be some combination, and some of it needs to be about more than disconnected moments. Part of the journey needs to be with someone where the conversation, desires and plans for the journey ahead are shared. A story with two people in the designer’s seat.

For a while, I think I will need to drop or reduce paying Escorts for personal moments, so that I can see what else is around for me. What options and realities exist for building a more open and transparent connection with a woman that wants something similar.

Thank You!

I owe so much to the Escorts and fellow travelers that I have met. As a result of these experiences, I value myself more. I know some of the amazing things that are possible in a new life for myself. I have sought psychological, physical and emotional improvement. I have lost weight, I am getting fitter, I take more pride in my appearance and I have more fun. I have a sh^t-load of fun!

I am probably not going anywhere for long. I will probably be in touch with a lot of people that I have met on this journey. I will probably make bookings and be intimate with Escorts that I have met and that I adore, but it will be in a new and open way. Who knows, you may see my face, my real name and if I keep this Percie Blakeney character around, it will be because his persona was a valued part of this transition, and a part of the fun.

I don’t know exactly where the journey will take me now, and that is part of the fun. Thank you for getting me here and thank you to those who will be part of the next adventure.

I am not sure whether blogging and social media will still be part of my journey when I get back from my overseas trip. If not, I will leave all of this here for a while. If it is, then no doubt I will have new stories to tell and some may be about relationships and experiences that sit in between Escort bookings. Thank you as always for your readership, especially my repeat offenders and friends.

Xx SP 26 September 2017.

 

Blue Moon Week (Pt-1)

Some experiences will never be repeated but always remembered.

Only Once In A Blue Moon!

This is the story of a unique 72-hours in my life! Everything was unexpected, everything was unusually special, everything will never, ever, be repeated again. This three-day period is my ‘once in a blue moon’ story, I can’t see me ever having a tale quite like this to recount again.

This ‘three-part’ booking recollection is not meant to suggest anything about escort-client bookings, as you will see this booking, and the ones to follow, are very special cases. What happened was unusual, I have no expectation of any similar experiences in the future, and these are not stories of how ‘escort-client’ bookings should normally proceed. This is the story of a rare set of exceptions to the rules, this is the story of what can only ever happen … Once In A Blue Moon!

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Blue Moon Week – Day One – A Long Anticipated Meeting

This was to be a first meeting, a long anticipated extended dinner booking. We had been ‘chatting’ on Twitter for a considerable amount of time, and the tyranny of distance had worked against us meeting, but we were finally going to be in the same city. The long-planned day had finally arrived.

I was very nervous about this booking. I think this was for a combination of reasons, including how well we had connected with each other online. Given that people often comment on the difference between Percival Blakeney as a blogger and Twitter persona and what I am actually like in person – face-to-face as a real boy. I thought what if she likes Percie, as a construction of Twitter and this blog, but doesn’t like me? Similarly, I had been excited by the clear intellect and very different perspectives of this amazing woman, but I was also anxious that maybe our world’s were too different, and we may not have enough of a common point of personal connection.

As the ‘real-life’ meeting was about to happen, I wondered whether I had built my expectations far too high – something that as we all know, can make the reality seem less than it is. I was nervous about my high expectations and I was nervous about living up to her expectations as well.

Planning Turns To Reality.

Our plan was a special extended dinner, we had selected a high-end restaurant for a long, slow, enjoyable conversation to extend on our online discussion and then retire to the hotel afterwards. A pretty typical ‘extended dinner booking’ plan. I arrived at the restaurant, took the table, ordered a cocktail (no surprises there) and started looking at my phone and the lovely view from the table.

As often happens for those of us touring, escorts and clients, flights, traffic, hotel check-in, taxis, Ubers and the general logistics get in the way. My lovely companion let me know that she was delayed. I responded that I had waited this long to meet, waiting a little longer was no issue at all, and would you like me to order you a drink? I sat, waiting and getting even more nervous because of the anticipation that surrounded this first meeting. I even had strange thoughts that she might see me, decide against the meeting and ‘walk away’.

We Meet!

Then another message arrived. In the rush, my companion had forgotten her bag and was out front but unable to pay for the taxi, she was unnecessarily embarrassed and apologetic. So I walked out the front and turned down the busy street and saw my companion for the night for the first time. She was stunningly beautiful, dressed in a thin dress, a woolen hat, and her beautiful fine blond hair moving in the breeze. She was in a heightened state of anxiety, standing beside the taxi, still looking graceful, beautiful and ethereal as the city moved around her. I hadn’t seen her face before this and I was struck by how beautiful my companion was. I paid the taxi driver without even looking at him.

We exchanged nervous pleasantries and started the short walk back to the restaurant. I had my arm around her waist and she felt and smelled the way that she looked, light, graceful and the most accurate description “extremely delicate and light in a way that seems not to be of this world” … ethereal. She quickly recovered from her anxiousness, stopped me right in front of the restaurant welcoming staff, looked into my eyes and then gave me a deep, long and full kiss. I still carry my ‘no physical contact’ upbringing with me, despite my efforts to discard it, and I froze for a second. Then I realised how amazing this moment was, let go, and enjoyed this surprising, warm and intimate moment – in full view of the restaurant staff that I had walked past just minutes before. It was a surprise moment, forever gifted to my memory for its strength, novelty, impulsiveness and power.

We Eat!

We were shown to the table, well back to the table in my case. Deciding quickly to go with the long, slow, time consuming degustation and matching wines option. We both knew already that it was going to be a longer than expected night. The food and wine was great, but my companion was far more amazing. Smiling, looking into my eyes, asking insightful questions, telling me about her life, teasing deep things from me and offering up those of her own as well. This person really knew me.

She had somehow seen between the badly written and often sterile writing of my blog articles. She had seen between the pendulum of my Twitter posts as I move between overly optimistic client content and overly pessimistic assessments of ‘what does it all mean’. When so many other people misunderstand this client persona, she had gone even further than I could ever have expected, she had already seen the real me underneath. We had so much in common, but not because of any special gifts that I have, but because of the breadth of her understandings, experiences and her amazing personal ability to get to know someone – really, deeply know them.

The hours of the dinner passed in a flash. Conversation was not rushed but never seemed to stall either. We both got a little tipsy from the matched wines, there were serious moments, laughing moments, giggles and some sneaky kissing and touching. I’m sure other restaurant guests were probably looking in our direction dismayed at our lack of restraint, but to the restaurant’s credit, our service staff seemed to enjoy and support our connection. I think we left just in time, my need to be physically with my companion was getting very intense, a level of desire that I haven’t felt very often.

We Meet Again!

Thankfully the hotel wasn’t far away. We were in the room fast, out of most of our clothes fast, and then we met again, this time physically. It was needed, it was release, it was passionate and intense, but it wasn’t rushed. We made use of almost all of the hotel room and bathroom, for how long I don’t know, but it was late, very late, probably the better description was that we had seen in the new day and it was now early.

At the end, my companion started to shake a little, a subtle quiver in the dark, lying beside me and partially on me. She was crying a little, and asked if I minded if she let go and cried. I think normally this may have surprised me a little, and maybe even fed into some of my own insecurities. Here though, in this moment, it was completely natural, understandable, even necessary. We were both in release, we were comfortable and we both knew things about what the other was going through at this time in our lives. She cried quietly but fully for a while, and I did too. I don’t cry, like I really don’t cry – almost ever. I cried like a baby and it felt great. It was another form of release on top of all of the other sexual release and it was a beautiful closure of the date.

I have been crying since, fairly regularly as it happens. I think this was an opening of me, a permission, or some other catharsis that changed me and is still changing me. I can’t tell you exactly how or why, but it felt right and it felt important and it felt perfect.

We Part!

This was not a normal booking. I don’t open up like that to anyone at a first meeting. My companion had also made decisions on the way through the booking to let it be different, to let it last, to let it play out as it did. She left me slowly, kindly and in a caring way. There wasn’t much of the night left, I laid down on the hotel bed expecting to sleep for a few hours before the world kicked back in, and I had to reset for a work day. I couldn’t sleep, I was relaxed, calm, happy and at peace, but I was also contemplative and needed to make the moment last as long as I could.

Slowly wondering what had just happened, who was this person who seemed to know me and what I needed so well. The room was rich with the remnants of our sex, the smell, warmth and feeling kept me cocooned in some weird post-sex meditative state. I didn’t sleep and soon enough my alarm went off, telling me it was eight in the morning and I had an hour to get to a business client meeting.

This was not a normal booking. It certainly wasn’t a normal first meeting. It isn’t representative of anything that came before and I suspect of anything that will come again. It was unique on so many levels, it was truly a ‘Once In A Blue Moon’ experience and strangely it marked the first-day of a three-day run of remarkable, unique, ‘Blue Moon’ experiences. I will write part two and three soon and although disconnected in many ways, it is an inseparable 72-hours for me – never to be relived, never to be forgotten and still transforming me many weeks later.

My companion and I are in different geographies and yet in some similar places in respect of a coincidence of our own individual life transitions. We remain in contact, we will be meeting again soon, I am sure sparks will fly and it will be amazing, but it won’t be, it can’t be, the same as this amazing first meeting. The focal point that this night played in a transformation of me is unique. It is still unfolding and is clearly a once-only thing. It is another escort experience that can’t be undone – I have changed as a result of that night and the two that followed. Thank you to a beautiful, gentle and deeply insightful soul who chose to spend a transformational ‘Blue Moon Night’ with me!

Thank you to my companion, as always, please keep speculation on people involved to yourself. Thank you for your readership. Please keep any comments respectful, we all know this is unusual and there is no suggestion that any other booking should ever unfold like this or any implication or excuse that it is OK to disrespect any boundaries, timing and the normal dynamics of an escort-client booking. Your own experiences and feelings are of course most welcome comments.

Xx SP 21 June 2017.

My End of Summer

Saying goodbye to an escort that I love.

All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey …

My long, beautiful, magical summer has come to an end. Everyone remembers their first, but my first was no ordinary first. I met someone, by good fortune alone, that was my personal angel. An old, old soul, but a young spirit, and what is even better, she was a ‘dark angel’, who better to take me on a journey of adventure. A long, extended magical summer of love!

I don’t know if it is possible to fall in love at first sight, but when she first walked into my life I was unable to speak, transfixed and the image of that arrival is still burned into my mind. This somewhat shy, bubbly, giggling and strikingly beautiful young woman, with steel and determination underneath, put me at ease immediately. My love for her has grown ever since. It was always a stupid, foolish, impossible love, but it was and still is my love.

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Now it is over.

Behind me is a glorious summer of experiences with this amazing companion, thankfully it lasted a long time and for a while, I felt like it would never end. Now I stand looking at a colder, darker, less certain path ahead. I don’t have my ancient, soulful, dark angel to guide me with her light spirit and her joyous touch. In the past, her words and advice never failed to bring me happiness. Pushing me on to great experiences and profound joy. Now she is gone. I am not exaggerating the depth of these feelings, this period of time was perfection for me. Change often comes quickly, and my personal ‘summer’ with her is over.

From start to finish we had twenty-one bookings together, I know that isn’t a lot for some people, but it is for me. Almost one-hundred hours spent together in each other’s company, and other glorious exchanges and conversations in between, there was not a single bad minute. The only regrets I have are that I did not tell her how I felt more often, and as I was also learning, I made some mistakes that hurt my longest-lasting companion along the journey. She took my short-comings and my slip-ups in her stride, taught me, helped me and most importantly forgave me – always with a softness and a grace that I hope I can learn to emulate one day.

What happened?

Her story is her own to tell, but it is a joyful end – she is moving on with her own journey in a positive way. Changing situations have brought our journey to a close and I am thankful that it is a happy parting. I can’t help but carry a broken heart at the moment – it comes from my own selfish loss of a connection that I had grown to depend upon far too much. Only now that it is gone, can I feel how deep it goes, it goes right to the core of my being. Those who know me, and some of you connected to me, you know that I have been a mess for a while – I am however moving forward in this new changed world, but at the moment, it is colder and darker one than before.

Others of you may see me as a tragic, naive and misguided figure. One of those lame, lonely punters who never got the joke, and fell for the illusions of the impossible, pretend fantasies that are created only within the confines of an escort booking. Stupidly thinking that something meaningful could remain outside of the paid experience. You are right – I am lonely, I am naive, and I am tragic. You can hate me if you want, that certainly does seem to be a thing that happens to me as a writer in this client-escort world, far more than I expected, but I am getting used to, even comfortable with that experience too. The good news for you, if you are upset by my illusion, is that this pathetic middle-aged man hurts, the escort is free, and there is no more annoying adoration that she has to handle from me. The ‘beauty’ is free and the ‘beast’ is locked in his own self-made cage.

If you are more sensitive to my perspective, and one of the people that cares a little for me, then please don’t worry, don’t feel bad, there is so much to be happy about. For one thing, I know that my ‘dark angel’ really does care deeply for me (of course others won’t believe that, but I know it in my heart). Our parting as absent friends, lets me look back on all of our experiences together, and there were so, so, many of them, with sublime joy. I will never forget this ‘first summer’ of mine, and that of course was the whole point of spending so much time with someone who was just perfect for me. I hope that she will remember with some fondness little parts of our experiences together too. I hope that in future she remembers me with one-hundredth of the intensity that I will remember her.

In addition, I have seen how many other people have a soft spot for me in their hearts. I have never been such an emotional mess before in my life, and one new experience for me, is seeing people step forward with love and care – that is such a gift. I am humbled and emotional about that too. Thank you my friends. There have been some amazingly lovely escorts, and some other contacts who know these feelings, who have helped drag me out of this low place in my life.

This period has been an emotional storm. Some other real-life dramas just happened to be playing out at the same time. Just to make sure that I never forget the depths of this period, I also mistakenly thought that a second escort that I love was disappearing from my life as well. My two impossible fantasies were disappearing at exactly the same time. For a short and sharp period, I felt as though I had been shot, stabbed and dropped into a well, and then it was sealed up over the top of me with no light coming in. It is amazing how you read (or misread) things when you are already down low. That light has returned, my darkest days are gone. What I know now most of all is how lucky, and I mean perhaps the luckiest man alive, I am to have seen the care of so many people, and still be left with the most wonderful memories of ‘days in the sun’ with my Dark Angel, my muse, and my font of adventure. I will always love her, but I can move on with memories of our amazing times together.

So where to from here?

Firstly I hope that her journey is so grand, so wonderful that it is deserving of her – I want everything in the world for her. I want more for her than anyone else I know outside of my own children. Secondly, I am happy! The road ahead is a little unclear, but I have people to hang onto, guide me, and be in my life for the next chapter – there will be another summer and it may not be that far away at all. If my Dark Angel returns, then I will always, always be here for her with open arms. I am also cherishing other people in my life too, who have already shown me the quality of their soul and the lightness of their spirit. This journey has shown me some amazing, loving and brilliant people that I also want to be in my life. I am moving towards them and I hope that they want me in their lives too.

For a little while I thought about my own ‘retirement’. I seriously contemplated giving up this journey, stopping writing this blog, leaving Twitter and trying some completely new and different chapter in my life. I don’t know how the future will play out, and I am far more impulsive and reactive at the moment than I would like – just another emotional work in progress for me as a growing and hurting person. For now I see this blog, and my increasing level of comfort with this crazy Percie Blakeney persona (me with another name) as a likely part of my next ‘summer’ – for now at least. Besides, I can’t mothball this crazy, weird blog yet, because the memories, threads and emotions of my Dark Angel are woven through its every page. I will remember my first escort forever, my first summer and the strength that was offered to me by others when the leaves turned brown. (OK now if you must play the song – here it is, or this ‘sketch version’ if you would prefer a good laugh).

The real song that tells the story of my companion, far better than this blog article does, is ‘Ride’ by Lana Del Rey, introduced to me by my Dark Angel herself. I highly recommend listening to it in full, loud and in a dark room. I can’t listen to it just at the moment without becoming a blubbering mess – I really have become an emotional wreck lately. I don’t even recognise myself sometimes, I like the new more emotionally connected me, but being so emotional can also be much harder at times.

There is a light ahead and it is getting stronger, but I will never forget how I got here. Thank you so much my love, I owe you everything! To those that are supporting me now, I love you, owe you and thank you so much too!

Epilogue (September Update)

It has been four months since I last saw my Dark Angel, a tough four months. I don’t know how long it takes to ‘get over’ someone that you deeply care about, but it clearly isn’t four months. My Dark Angel is still teaching me things on this journey. Firstly, to leave this industry isn’t easy, and to do it so well takes real courage, determination and personal strength. I always knew that she was far stronger than me, but I doubt when it is time for me to ‘retire’ as a client, that I will be able to do it as cleanly, as courageously, and with as much grace and dignity as she was able to achieve.

It has also taught me that I need to change my perspective. I know my Dark Angel liked me, but as is the way of humans, we want our amazing moments to become ongoing connections. That can’t always happen! When someone changes their life and their connections, and their business, big things need to change. There is no doubt we shared amazing memories, but they had a time and a place, their day in the sun. Now we have both been forced to move on. Being a regular of a retired escort is a lonely place. What is true, is that an ‘ex-client’ needs to be completely out of the ‘ex-escort’s’ new life. It is a hard shift to accept and it has taken me four-months to realise that she isn’t just gone as a companion. I will never see her again.

These endings are hard endings and the contrast is so profoundly a shift from light to dark. Someone who is in your life one day, is gone forever. The amazing memories remain, but the ache of my soul to feel her in my life is yet to pass. I take her courage in leaving the industry as a beacon for me to keep up my courage in letting her go. At some point soon, I am going to need to rid myself of some of the reminders, because they are starting to hurt more in the moment, than the joy that comes from the memories that they trigger. I also owe the release of this part of my heart, and the attached melancholy, to the people who are still in my life and showing me such amazing times and even love as well. I need to ‘unlock’ myself again and be open in the way I was at the start of this journey. When down, it is easy to diminish other relationships and I need to be present in them and connect with those who want me in their lives.

I have heard briefly from my Dark Angel, enough for me to take satisfaction that her life is progressing as she would wish. That we have our own song too. Our song, as it is for many people no doubt, is Chelsea Hotel No 2, Lana Del Rey version of course. It is appropriate in so many ways. It ends with ‘to be honest, I don’t even think of you that often’, a lie sung by Leonard Cohen about his time with Janis Joplin. It will be a long time, before that line is true for me. Until then, I will show the courage my Dark Angel has and tell the world I have moved on.

For now, I am in a better place than I have been for a long time. My ‘muchness’ has returned and I am ‘in-the-moment’ with people who I adore, and who also want me in their life, as client, as friend, as someone who shares moments with them still. I am also going on a trip, some time for myself to recharge. Shed the last vestiges of this difficult year and make some new memories. Nothing about this farewell article has changed from the version in June to this epilogue in September, other than some personal growth, some hard lessons and a new commitment to be strong, enjoy the adventure and enrich some other people’s lives.

Thank you my Dark Angel, one more time, “I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel”. I wish you every great thing in your life ahead and I know that it must be without me.

If you know or can guess the identity of this person, and the same applies with every article, please respect that this is meant to be anonymous and treat this as a work of fiction with fictional characters. Her story, her path, her future are her own. Please do not name her in any comments or social media.

Thank you so much everyone who has helped me – I don’t think you will ever know how much that means to me – I love so many of you (and now I have a thank-you page too). The richness, variety and lessons you give astound me so much – I can’t believe how much life I have discovered on this journey. Finally thank you again to the readers who put up with my silly blog. To the small few who really care for me, you know who you are, thank you so much – you have put my broken heart back together. I know many people hate hearing that the ‘paid escort-client’ relationships can be this rich and full of feeling – but they can and sometimes they are – and they can still be bounded by business and professional respect.

Xx SP 8 June 2017 (article updated 25 June 2017 and 19 September 2017).