End Of The Line

What is meant to come from being a regular client of escorts?

If you don’t hate me already. If you haven’t blocked me already. We’ll this is that blog article, the one that you’ll hate me for – the ‘end of the line’.

I am in a ‘dark-place’, I’m about to be alone – a lonely, love-less, adrift middle-aged guy. A client of escorts, a laughing-stock of many, a soft-touch. Easy to manipulate. That is all true and yet I persist, I exist on Twitter and for some unknown reason, even to me, I put these words down on this blog. So what has changed?

HotelRoom

Suspension of disbelief.

Last night I went to an establishment – a brothel. For only the second time in recent history. They laughed at me for removing my wedding ring – symbolic of my failed long-term relationship. I was no one, just another of the guys moving through on any given night looking for something – intimacy, excitement, a respite from their personal loneliness or self-imposed prison. Despite that it was wonderful.

Two-hours with a beautiful person inside and out. Three-hundred dollars to the establishment, five-hundred to my companion for two-hours. No hotel bill, no dinner bill, no cancellations, no fifth-degree in booking approval and everything at our disposal and ready to go. For eight-hundred-dollars, it was at least on par with what I normally spend almost double that on courting an independent escort for a lunch or dinner date. Actually, with the costs attached, more like one-third. It was a wonderful night.

What is missing?

Of course she won’t remember me, I will eventually forget her, and it will boil down to two lovely hours. A spa, a massage, a conversation, plenty of sex and something far better than self-service, but far short of true intimacy and a rewarding longer-term relationship.

So seeing an independent escort for a ‘Girlfriend Experience’ bridges that gap? Well that is what I thought, that is where I’ve been for two-years. Over forty bookings with two companions who have retired and are no longer in contact. Over fifty bookings with four companions that I consider ‘regulars’ and I hope that they see me in the same light, or more, as we build from connection to connection, moment to moment, booking to booking. Well that was what I thought, but is it true?

At the moment I don’t hear from either of the companions who have retired – nor would I expect to – they have new lives and the world is as it should be. That is truly the end of the road. At the moment, I don’t hear from the other companions, with over fifty bookings and around $100,000 spent between them. They have what they want from me, a loyal and ‘in-love’ client, someone who is a soft touch. Of course I will re-book, I am captured. Of course, I understand, they are busy, they can’t devote the time that I do to being in contact. Why should they, customers chasing providers, isn’t that the norm? Of course for me, I make the time because I am enamored, captured in the fantasy of the booking. They don’t make the time, because they don’t need to make the time anymore.

Let Percie chase me, he loves me, he needs me, he will do the contacting, the arranging, and if I’m late, need to reschedule, don’t feel like providing service or forget when the booking is, what hotel we’re at, or need to change to fulfill a longer booking – he’ll be fine with that. They are right, I am fine with that, I just want to see them again. But every-time I look at the sad little me that accepts this, I die just a little bit more inside and lose just a little more self-respect.

Stepping into the gap!

So while these beloved companions become ghosts, others emerge. Independents who build friendships on Twitter and then get aggressive when it doesn’t almost immediately translate into a booking. The nice people, who really do try and connect, but are burning themselves out on Twitter and either learning the hustle or becoming victim to the unscrupulous clients. Oh, no, we can’t talk about the hustle.

Well I am adrift. My long-term relationship is ending. I have nightmares of being in a furniture-less, window-less apartment. A lonely figure, by myself, a laughing stock – as the last few years of being reasonably presentable as a man disappear and I descend into decay. Maybe I should just accept it already – even my own daughter says I can move into the retirement home with my octogenarian father in 5-years … they accept people at 55 who have given up. Am I giving up?

I have a little time for fun and adventure. New experiences, travel and maybe some love. I don’t believe in monogamy anymore, but I also believe that I have ‘missed the race’. I can watch sexually adventurous people explore a taboo free existence – but I am not welcome at the party. It is a cruel place, to see what can happen – sexual freedom, excitement and liberation, and then only be watching from afar and not participating.

Recently, when offered three choices, strippers, a party or going back to my hotel – I heard an adored companion say “on no – definitely not Percie”. I’ve been blocked and disavowed by the best friend of my longest-standing companion. None of my four closest companions respond to my messages anymore – they are happy to loose them in the flood of other messages they get on any given day. Another companion, who has taken photos at three of our meetings, someone I have hosted at Vue De Monde, taken to a show, and had planned to see many more times, sent me one photo of our last booking, and that was after some two months had past and I had grown tired of asking.

Is the Independent Escort World having issues with client satisfaction? Is it just me, a relic, a soft-touch, easy to manipulate and ignore. Or is it something else. Why shouldn’t I get over my infatuation with some companions I have met and visit the establishment where it is all laid out for my enjoyment. If no one cares anyway, maybe that is for the best – it’s a third of the cost after all.

Conclusion

I am ending a relationship. I have an unwell daughter. I have a dying best friend. I am in a mid-life crisis. I have had a business demand money from me instead of providing it to me for the last 6-months. I have had everything about who I am in this world challenged. Any arrogance, ego and entitlement is gone. I am a hollow, ruined, wreck of a man – rebuilding and about to be alone. This space, rich with adventure and experience and one that I highly recommend to anyone for fun, education, and just getting out of that shitty vanilla rest of the world is brilliant. But it is not helping me right now.

My own psychologist has told me that I am already in mourning for my relationship, my youth, my dying friend and the heady days when business was easy. I am also mourning two retired companions and the loss of contact with the four who are still the most important to me. Don’t read too much into this – it is clearly the musings, distress and catharsis of a ‘mourning man’. I am sure all will be well one day – with the appropriate changes and painful transitions.

As with all of my blogs, I don’t have any answers. For fucks sake, I don’t even know the questions. I just see a lot of lonely people and I am one of them. I don’t know if I an unlovable, a joke, or if rules, busy lives or other things are getting in the way. But even in the place I though I was finding change and support – I find myself needing to make more change. I can’t be in love with people who are ghosts and I wonder if I have attached myself to the wrong companions.

I can’t wait for people to make a minute of their time for me three weeks too late. To be honest, in the two-years since I became a client, I don’t like where this industry is headed. I wonder if I’m the one out of sync, or if there is some underlying problem that is getting worse with each passing year. Maybe it is just me and maybe all the people who hate me, block me, and wish I was gone are right!

So there it is. Warts and all. Just the article to make Australia’s only blogging client the most hated of all. Well right now, that would be a challenge to dislike me more than I dislike myself – but of course, do your best!

Xx SP 30 January 2018

Transition and Recollection

At a cross-roads in life and reflecting on 2-years as a client of escorts.

Tomorrow I turn 50. I am at the end of many things in my life, at a true point of transition. As part of this change, and after two-years as a client of Escorts, part of my reflection is on how these experiences have changed me. Plus, what I want them to be like in 2018 and beyond.

This is also a return to my blog. I have had a badly needed break, it has been two-months since my last article. I feel rusty, I feel tired, but I feel like getting back into writing as part of my journey for next year. So it’s time to dust off the cobwebs and write something. What better time, than the day before my 50th Birthday.

ChelseaHotel

Second Year As a Client

Let’s start with where I stand as a client of escorts. It is not a comfortable place. I feel like every post-booking parting brings greater melancholy than ever, maybe this is a result of a challenging year and big life changes. Or maybe it is just something that happens as we are longer upon this road of disconnected moments of fantasy. That I can’t answer yet.

I also feel like I am not as good at this as I was in my first year. In 2016 it was all new, all fun. The relationships weren’t new enough to have much baggage. My industry insights weren’t enough to see some of the darker parts. I didn’t have a profile as a client. I just met people and had fun. If I met someone I really had fun with, and we clicked, then I saw them again. It was as I have already said, my best year ever, halcyon days!

I met amazing people, and I adored them. I felt feelings of love and began falling in love with some companions – falling in love is fun! Nothing particularly bad happened, many things profoundly wonderful happened. It was new, exciting, glorious, wonderful and things elsewhere in my life, for the most part, were going along pretty well at the same time.

So What Happened In 2017?

Sticking with the client of Escorts conversation, what happened is what always happens. We grow, we learn, we make mistakes, things sometimes fuck-up, and the shine wears off from things that were once shiny and new.

My blog and presence on Twitter created casualties. Communicating between Escorts and clients online is fun, but it is also high risk. Text formats of communication don’t offer the face-to-face benefits and ‘in-the-moment’ benefits of bookings – so connections between clients and escorts are likely to be more real, more prone to harm and break-down with clients who choose to engage on Twitter or other forms of correspondence in-between bookings.

Some connections just run their race. They reach a crescendo at some point, booking three, booking eight, booking fifteen, and then the honeymoon is over. For whatever reason, they start getting worse instead of better. It is amazing when we find those connections that just keep improving, deepening, becoming part of who we are.

In other cases, we never get that far. The companion (or client) retires, moves location or some other external dynamic changes. They depart and we are left to mourn the amazing moments that are no longer possible.

Amazing New Experiences!

Other amazing things happened! Partly because of this blog, party because of social media and partly because of my growing confidence, I got to meet new and amazing people – not just the amazing companions that I was booking. I also met fellow clients – travelers on the same road. Everyone I have met has amazed me, I enjoy being in conversation with them and some I now call friends.

I have met female clients of male sex-workers and that has led to some amazing conversations and new friendships, and I have met some of the male sex-workers that they see. With every person I meet, I understand society’s stereotypes around sex-work less and less. These are all inspiring people, better in many ways than the people who cast uninformed judgement on this rich community.

I am fortunate enough to have some companions who know that I have been down and maudlin this year. They have helped, supported and changed me. I don’t know how they have stuck with me, but some of them have now known me for almost two years. Despite the fact that it is almost impossible to truly know if someone you are paying for intimacy truly cares for you, I feel that at least a few of my closest companions do. When the inevitable end comes, their retirement or mine, some may miss me a fraction of how much I will miss them.

Change!

Nothing is more inevitable than change. This year I have learned more about love and loss than in any other year of my life. I didn’t mean to care about the Escorts I met as much as I do. I didn’t expect to have some really care for me and despair at some of my actions and feel the same envy, jealousy, frustration and unrequited emotions as I felt – and talking to other clients and workers, understand that they at times feel the same way too. This is an industry full of deep emotion and fast moving impact upon those emotions – both positive and negative.

I think I am starting to cope with unrequited love. I think I am starting to understand when I hurt the feelings of others. However I am still an advocate for celebration and transparency, and that is why I plan to stay on social media and continue to blog. I feel that the small hurts are (possibly my opinion alone) worth the benefits. The benefit of the truth that I have feelings for multiple people, the honesty of some of my stories and my voice in support of celebrating what happens between client and Escort rather than hiding it because the realities might impact on someone else’s fantasy.

I have big personal plans for 2018. It is going to be a good year. It will be sad … I miss the people I no longer see. I have that empty feeling as a dark companion with me every single day, and that weight gets heavier. I miss the person that I started this journey with most of all – everyone who reads my blog knows this story and that missing part of me continues. I’m just learning to live with a piece of my heart missing.

Others that are important to me, and in a number of connections that importance is growing, well they will no doubt leave my life at some point. I am sure that I will find out then, that I love them too, and wave goodbye to another slice of my heart.

What is happening though is that my heart is getting bigger. I want connections with more people so that I can show them the elements of love that I have for them and receive their unique gifts in return. Even though I’m loosing parts of me, I am gaining others and I am growing. This is the biggest change of all for me – I am not sure I could ever go back to a singular sexually intimate relationship when every connection is so rich and different. I have some of the most amazing relationship and a few in particular where 2018 looks so exciting and plans for new experiences are taking shape already.

There are no answers here. Just one very ordinary guy, who is about to pass an age-based milestone, and is trying to learn from the experiences behind me. So that I can be a better person within the experiences that are in front of me.

If I have upset you on this road, I also take a moment to apologise. For the few people who have upset me on the same journey, I am not carrying that with me any longer. If you feel like reconnecting please do, if you can’t stand me (why are you reading this), then I know that I am not part of your tribe and I wish you well upon your own journey.

Thank you to those who connect with me, have a relationship with me, take my bookings, answer my messages or Twitter posts and continue to be happy to share a tiny part of their lives with me! That is the gift that I have received on the eve of my 50th Birthday.

My love and best wishes for you own future!

Xx SP 22 December 2017.