Managing Risks

Knowing and minimising risks around client-escort bookings!

Dangers in the Escort-Client World

Most of my risk-management in this secret life of seeing escorts has been good luck rather than good management. So I am not sure that I am qualified to say much on this topic. It is however a regularly requested article, so the time has come to do my best. It is as much advice to myself as a tale of caution for others.

Before I start, let me say that I owe almost all of the fact that I have avoided ‘complications’, to the escorts that I have seen. For the most part, escorts brilliantly manage risk for their clients, and it is an under-appreciated part of the escort-client experience.

SunAndClouds

Sex and Intimacy Without Entanglement.

This ‘step-in, step-out’ fantasy world is of course the anticipated promise at the heart of the escort-client booking. Immediately the idea is that there is less risk than an affair or some other more complicated arrangement. It is true that there are far less entanglements, but no one can remove this risk entirely. I will return to emotional risks later, for now, lets start with some of the obvious ones.

Sexually Transmissible Infections (STI’s).

Looming large, and with good reason, is the risk of contracting and spreading infection. Thankfully this is probably a lower risk than most ‘first-time’ clients would expect. As having a rich sex-life with professional and cautious sex-workers is some of the ‘safest-sex’ you can have. Quality escorts are very cautious with their health, their well-being, and their own risk management around disease. I am not disclosing my own level of sexual activity, but so far (touch wood, hehe), I have not had any disease, other than perhaps a cold, resulting from my experiences with escorts.

As a client, it is also up to you to reduce this risk. I get an STI health-check every three-months. Most sex-workers are at least this attentive, if not more. Your own frequency of testing as a client would depend upon your level of activity, but you must get checked, it really is an obligation – unforgivable to transfer disease due to your own negligence. If you have any symptoms or doubts, get tested immediately, and don’t have any bookings until clear. If you are active, get checked regularly. Although the week’s wait is a pain for everyone, knowing that you are ‘clear’ is a good feeling. Being responsible and a considerate client is also a good feeling.

Never partake in high-risk behaviours. I like uncovered oral more than covered, but I always let the escort make the decision, regardless of their service description. There is not enough difference to care, and it is best to leave the ‘safety’ considerations in the hands of the expert. I have realised that in doubles and with toys, my knowledge around ‘safe-sex’ was limited, and I am glad that escorts have taken control and ensured a safe environment for us all in these experiences. Also if something feels strange, stop and ask, once (and thankfully only once), I had a condom come off. It felt odd even though I didn’t know it was off, I stopped and we fixed the situation. Thankfully in my case, it was with someone who had seen me before, and knew that I wasn’t doing anything deliberately. Not surprisingly, escorts will suspect you of poor behaviour, they experience too much of it, so make sure there is no reason to think you are not safe and a complete gentlemen. We all benefit from keeping sex safe and reducing the chance of infection.

Financial Risk – Getting ‘Ripped Off’.

Of course this is a business, money is changing hands and there is a financial risk. The risk for escorts is enormous, getting robbed, being paid with ‘fake-notes’, being hustled in other ways by asshole clients (and I would rather not even call them clients), gamed or fake-booked by other unscrupulous escorts, the list goes on and on. So when I see someone not wanting to pay a deposit, it is laughable really. No escort is going to secure their financial future running off with a deposit. Even if you, as a client, loose your deposit, so what – if you can’t handle a lost deposit, you are playing the wrong game.

The real financial risks for clients are something else entirely. Can you afford what you are doing? If not, you are opening up risks of depression, financial self-harm and resulting anger misdirected outwardly at escorts who are not the cause of your own financial actions or hardship. There is also the risk of trace-ability. Seeing escorts can be costly, moving that money, usually cash, around can create the pathway for discovery in parts of your life where you would like the secret to remain a secret. Think carefully how you do this. This is one area that I managed well from the start and it has saved me a lot of potential risk and grief by making sure it was private and protected.

I have been hustled, although I blame myself entirely for letting it happen. I have also had escorts choose a ‘faster-track’ to some additional financial benefit rather than building a lucrative longer-term connection. I don’t blame them for that choice, it was a choice after all. I decided a while ago, that type of action would be a deal-breaker for me. When an escort wants to work that way, I honour their request, but that is a signal for me that it is the end-of-the-road. I miss some of those escorts a lot, I still like them a lot, but if they would rather take an earlier pay-day, then I know the balance between interest in money and interest in me as a regular client is tilted to a point that I can’t ‘suspend my disbelief’ any longer, and I make a different future booking choice. We all have to make our own decisions and know where our boundaries lie. I have a problem with overly mercenary behaviour and outright lying, it just destroys the fantasy for me. It doesn’t make me upset, and I still respect every escort that I have said goodbye to for these reasons, it is simply a choice.

Getting ‘Outed’ – Being Discovered.

I didn’t understand this risk at the beginning, it was all a new world. It is probably the most pervasive and ever-present risk for a client who is operating a secret life to the rest of their reality. It is also a risk for a large number of escorts who also have an identity and part of their real-life that they want to protect, or just a desire to remain private and operate reasonable barriers to some of the other risks that escorts face.

Some clients operate their own ‘fake identity’ complete with ‘burner phone’ (separate disposable phone) and other ways of creating a separate persona. Other than my blog and public social media presence, I never went down that road. It is the general level of trust-worthiness of escorts that keeps most of us safe, see my article on ‘Secret Keepers’ for some more discussion on this point. Despite this, there is a lot of ‘outing’ and even more regularly the threats of ‘outing’ occur online and in other ways. It is still a surprise to me that something so nasty, so maliciously evil, seems to be threatened on social media and in the back-channels of social media every single day. See ‘World of Private Messages’ article for some more thoughts on this topic as well. I have had a number of threats, as have some other clients I have spoken too. If there is one thing the industry still needs to address better, it is this unsavory aspect of jealousy, extortion, threats and anger – it is one of the nasty faces of the escort-client world, since so many of us depend upon secrecy around our participation.

There is also the risk of ‘self-outing’. An even greater risk than disclosure by others, that is more about lack of personal care, self-destructive behaviours, relationship breakdowns and of course sometimes just coincidence. I have my own stories here, especially early in my journey of both coincidence and naivety, they are too involved for this article, and perhaps I will write on them later. The lesson of course is to exercise care, it is easy to be discovered, and once the story is out, it is very hard to go back. I have great risk as a result of this blog, but then I need to talk about my experiences, we all have to decide what level of risk we can tolerate. Self-outing is one thing, doing it to someone else or even threatening it is unforgivable in my opinion, unless the circumstances are extreme and are preventing an even more unforgivable scenario.

Emotional Risks.

The last part of this article is on the idea that these connections are ‘without entanglement’. They simply aren’t. Yes there are boundaries, there is a transaction, there are appropriate behaviours and it is a better scenario for ‘separation’ than most others where two people come together in an intimate setting. But humans are humans and we are built for connections and we all carry our own issues and baggage.

My advice for this article is prepare yourself for this. Prepare for anger, jealousy, desire, lust, upset and love. If you are going to play in the ‘escort-client’ world, you are playing in a world of heightened experience and heightened emotion. Many of us are sorry for the people who don’t get to experience this and could not go fully back to the ‘muggle’ world. It is a taste of something that is very hard to give up, mostly fantasy, with just enough reality to be confusing and addictive. This ‘super-charged’ world has its own costs, dynamics and price to pay. This will unfold differently for everyone, and in this blog I have spoken about many of the more emotional aspects of the journey.

From ‘Single Booking Sadness’, to ‘Post Booking Melancholy’, ‘Friends and Lovers’ and even saying goodbye to an escort that I love in ‘My End of Summer’. This is an emotion journey for many of us, even if we try to pretend at times that it isn’t. The emotional risk is the biggest risk, just savour the ‘downs’ as a back-ground to how great the ‘ups’ are. Don’t let the darker side of emotion create collateral damage with self-harm or the harm of others. Being hurt is not an excuse for hurting, outing, stalking or otherwise reflecting this on others. Move on to somewhere else that gives you joy and leave the industry and the environment better for the quality of your participation.

At the end of the day, the only way we manage the risks are to work together for a safer, supportive and more enjoyable industry, rich with experience and reward.

Your stories, opinions, comments and feedback gratefully received. Thank you so much for your readership and especially to those that have supported me on this journey and with this blog – now I even have a list of some of these people on a thank-you page.

Xx SP 11 June 2017.

 

 

Hurt feelings

When I started, I never expected to hurt anyone’s feelings.

New world, strange expectations!

When I look back to the beginning of my own journey, for some reason I felt that the whole reason for seeing an escort was to avoid entanglement. Oh, and of course to see someone that you could never get to meet in real life. It was a very simplistic view of the escort world.

I didn’t expect that I would get hurt feelings. I certainly never expected that I would hurt anyone else’s feelings. In the early days, I foolishly believed that I wouldn’t have strong feelings for the escorts I met, and it didn’t even enter my head, that a few escorts may have feelings for me!

HotelRoom

A double life – you’re not a ‘muggle’ anymore.

So the first feelings hurt were my own. I have a slightly addictive personality as well as a typical male’s needy one. I also fall in love relatively easily.  That is a dangerous cocktail of emotional need, connection and human addiction. So when I first started re-booking and then seeing certain escorts regularly, their commentary about other great experiences and other great clients hurt my ego a little. I found out, that I had pretty strong feelings for some of these wonderful women.

Initially, I didn’t think that I wanted to be ‘special’ in their lives, but I found that was becoming increasingly important to me, with some of the regular escorts I was seeing – and if I’m being honest, knowing that in a number of these cases, I wasn’t at all special to them, hurt! It hurt like a ‘mother-fucker’.

So to some degree, I got over this. I spent a long-time ‘smacking myself in the face’ with logic. To some degree this worked, I understood that just getting a little friendly message between bookings, or a slight overstay, or just general authentic and honest interest in my life (as well as being allowed to re-book of course), were all signals that I was at least an appreciated client. I took strength from those small but sweet gifts of attention and interest. What I still didn’t realise, in slightly hardening myself against the personal hurt, was that some of these escorts also had some feelings for me. Beyond the basic business of ‘playing the companion’, some of the escorts I met, actually liked me just a little.

Hurting an escort’s feelings.

Everyone is different and so is every escort. This is obvious but important, as everyone’s tolerance for pretty much anything is different. The idiot that I am, I thought that a professional escort would not be hurt by knowing that I was seeing other escorts, after all, they were seeing so many other men (and women). That idea, along with a number of others I held as a ‘newly-minted’ client, was wrong in a number of instances.

Many escorts like to ‘turn a blind eye’ to what their clients do when not with them, just as I liked to do the same in reverse. For some escorts, perhaps it comes down to professional competitiveness and business risk (loosing a client), for others however, it is a genuine human interconnection, and being aware of the truth (especially in detail) can hurt. It really doesn’t matter whether you are a client or an escort – feelings are feelings.

Maybe it is not always a deep hurt, but some pain and discomfort at least. I was unaware of this, as I was telling myself the ‘logical story’ that of course ‘why would any escort actually care for me’. In that ignorance, I was oblivious to the fact that the details of my other bookings, and certain escort-related actions, were hurting the feelings of some of the escorts to whom I had become the most connected with. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I was mortified when I found out that I had.

The extreme cases.

Not only do I have strong feelings for a number of escorts that I have met, I may have actually fallen in love with at least two of them, a story that I added a specific blog article about called ‘Loving an Escort’ that goes into greater detail. I know that this level of feeling isn’t reciprocated, it isn’t even reasonable, and in many ways it could even be seen as creepy.

All it really means in practice is that the ‘hurts’ are far stronger. It is very hard for any of us to feel forgotten, or hold a level of interest in someone that isn’t reciprocated. Often clients feel this, as a significant part of the whole industry is for clients to ‘experience’ what it is like to be with a Girlfriend (GFE bookings). If that ‘Girlfriend’ illusion is strong and residual, it is difficult for clients watching as their ‘temporary Girlfriend’ goes about being a professional companion, marketing and promoting their business, their clients and their experiences. It can be even harder watching some escorts denounce clients in general as awful, tragic and broken people.

For me, the personal benefits of continuing to enjoy these relationships is more than worth the hurt. Some of the feelings need to be buried deep and not openly expressed – freaking someone out with adoration is only going to end the connection. The ‘heart wants what the heart wants’ but that doesn’t mean that you need to freak people out with it. Staying cool is a valuable skill but a hard lesson to learn. It is one that I am still on a journey to learning.

A double life or a multiple life – what is the answer?

So coming back to the beginning, I went into being a client of escorts and started a ‘double-life’. I never thought that in the ‘client-world’, things would need to be further compartmentalized and that ‘secrets within secrets’ might become a requirement. I sometimes think that the only answer to avoiding ‘causing pain’ is to move into a ‘multiple-life’ of even greater division and secrecy – I am however not ready for that, it seems a step too far.

The alternative is to understand and even embrace that some level of pain goes along with joy, ecstasy and love. Maybe I need to feel pain to know that I’m alive, just as much as I need to experience the classically positive emotions. In fact we can’t really feel joy, love, happiness and ecstasy without it contrasting against other darker moments in our lives – light and shade.

Maybe some escorts need to realise this too. If they are feeling client induced pain from a strong connection, maybe that is a good thing. They are alive, the work has emotional meaning, and they probably have a client who is going to be around for a long time! Assuming that both can stay-in-the-moment and not expect or demand more from the connection than the other is willing or able to give. Of course I added a blog post on that thought too, called ‘Staying in the Moment’.

Being a regular client of amazing escorts isn’t the simple magical world that I thought it was, but I’m never going back to a ‘muggle’ life. Perhaps with the added layers and complexity it is an even better world.

Thank you for you readership. Please feel free to share, comment, disagree, I’m am always happy for your thoughts and input. Of course this is the view of one simple client, and I am not speaking for others. Thanks also for the comments on the original version of the article from Jack and Bella.

Xx SP 11 March 2017 (article updated 8 May 2017)