Mean Girls

What would make an Escort mean?

It’s a hard world out there, one that hardens most hearts. I saw a Twitter post from an Escort a little while ago that simply said, “Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.” It made me think, what hardens the heart and how do some Escorts manage to navigate the storm?

I had a challenging childhood, bullying at school, and a business stolen out from under me by unscrupulous scumbags. My personal values involve staying open to good people, even if that means being taken advantage of by assholes at times. To me that is a better reality. To me, a hardened-heart would be me, robing joy from myself, worse in my mind than having it taken by someone else. But then I haven’t had a fraction of the challenges that many Escorts face.

TorsoImage1

So What Could Make An Escort Mean?

Let’s count down some of the many pressures and social evils that are perpetuated against Escorts and other sex-workers. This is hardly an exhaustive list, but hopefully it will set the scene for understanding the legitimate hardening of a worker’s heart. An argument as to why ‘Getting Mean’ would be a perfectly reasonable defensive response.

Count Down …

Ten – Society Hates Sex-Work. It isn’t a normal hatred, no it is far worse. It is a perverse hatred. One where nearly everyone is biologically, emotionally and intellectually interested, but most secretly protest and even rally against the idea of sex-work. Publicly expressing one out-dated view while secretly maintaining aroused interest. This isn’t just hatred, it is hatred with passion, because it reflects self-hatred of the contradiction inside people. A repressed desire, combined with rejection, missing-out and a lack of resolution between primal desires and a socialized view of how they think they must behave. The false image they think they need to present to the world.

Nine – ‘Here Be Dragons’. I have commented before on my dislike for criminals, rapists and real time-waters being lumped in with real clients. It pollutes the view of real and decent clients. But having said that, there really are evil people playing in this area, taking advantage of sex-workers, their lack of social protection, the isolation of the work, the potential for financial advantage and the poor support, protection and laws that are around sex-work. It makes this a place where some of the most evil men in society pray on women. These scum would harden anyone’s heart – seeing what one person can do to another and how bad society can be at supporting victims and preventing future crimes.

Eight – Failure of Institutional Support. Societies institutions, at best turn a blind eye to sex-work, and worst they actively support and enforce harmful behaviour, damaging stereotypes and the isolation and depression of workers. Myths of higher incidence of disease and poor parenting still prevail, preventing workers giving blood, getting accommodation, receiving equivalent health services and getting in the way of parenthood and the surrounding supports and protections that workers should have.

Seven – Peer Competition. Another myth is that the community supports itself and provides help to the independent workers and other industry participants. Well in many ways it does and there is great solidarity and support in many areas. There is also two-faced competition and outright harm. Fake booking made by other workers or their contacts for workers on tour are just a tiny example. Some terrible things have been done by one worker to another out of envy, competition or just transference of their own pain to another in the same way any other hurt person is likely to lash out.

Six – Youth and Beauty Myth. Most workers I’ve met are not as impressed by their own intelligence, skills and beauty as the clients who see them, or even their own peers are when they comment on them. Most don’t understand how amazing and desirable they are. Yet even though they don’t see themselves as most of the world sees them, they believe their peers are more youthful, more beautiful and more skilled than they are. This isn’t true. Yet against their own insecurity and rejection of the positive, they often have an exaggerated fear of loosing their (relative) youth and beauty. This contradiction of strong fear against weak positive opinion is another personal, but also socially imbued force, that puts additional pressure on industry workers in the most personal way.

Five – Real Client Needs. Clients, people like me, are needy. Escorts provide a service that is sadly wanting in society and when they do it well, clients want more. More contact, more love, more of what the worker is providing. This is a human interaction, so sometimes the workers need this in return. Drawing the line is hard. Draw it too harshly and clients go elsewhere and they do not provide loyalty and friendship in return. Draw the line too generously and well meaning clients will take unwitting advantage of what is on offer. It may make for loyal regulars, but their needs have a strong potential to be emotionally and financially draining.

Four – Health and Well-Being. Of course there is the risk of disease, illness, violence and any of these can take a worker out of action – reducing their capacity to generate their own income. The risks may be able to be managed, but they exist and they can easily play on someone’s mind and add to the overall stress of the work. If unwell, society and its support mechanisms often fail to adequately and fairly address the needs of the worker.

Three – Isolation. There may be ways of avoiding isolation, however independent sex work in particular is a solo business for the most part. Admin, security, preparation, marketing and the work itself is isolating both in its mechanical practice and in the way society isolates sex work and all of its aspects. This is hard enough at the best of times, but when difficulty in trusting peers, clients and social institutions are added to the mix, this isolation can be crippling in times of hardship.

Two – Rejection and Abandonment. The nature of the work is all about selection by clients. It is a rare thing in society to be chosen by someone else and workers get to experience this more than almost anyone else, but they can easily loose that buzz of adoration. What is left is rejection. Why was someone else chosen? Where did the regular I thought of with affection go? Often these changes in selection are not accompanied with any explanation of the reason, and as a result it is easy to assume the worst, adding extra negativity to a worker’s self perception. As a client, I find rejection, abandonment and the lengthy separations between bookings hard (many blog articles I have written on this topic). As an escort, I imaging it is even harder, at least in volume if not individual intensity. How can this not be a ‘heart-hardening’ force?

One – Business Risks. On top of everything else, job security, career longevity, ability to maximise income and retain value is difficult. Many people, in other industries, can build up their businesses and sell them, or make money from growing their business. These strategies for business growth and exit are much harder to accomplish in the sex-work industry. Yet marketing, reputation, personal security, brand building and other aspects are also harder. This is not easy work in any way, and although it may be lucrative at times, it is hard to sustain and hard to build a business that can be sold and create a ‘windfall’ at some future moment. It is a damn hard career choice.

So What Could Make An Escort Mean?

Zero – How is anyone left? The question shouldn’t be ‘what could make an Escort mean?’, it should be, with all of this pressure and forces rallied against sex workers, how is it that so many manage to stay sane, stay kind, continue to truly connect with their clients and their peers, and avoid the hardening that would happen to almost anyone else? It is amazing that most sex workers are still so emotionally giving and wonderful, lovely people.

Support!

So on the few occasions where I feel I was treated poorly or unfairly as a client – and it is only a few, I try and remember the pressures at play. The forces that create stress for Escorts, by comparison, they make the forces that create stress for me look like child’s play. I know how badly I can react and behave when I am stressed – I am not proud of some of those moments. The stress on the escorts that I adore is so much more, so embedded in society, and even coming from well meaning clients like myself as well.

So those that occasionally seem like ‘Mean Girls’, are for the most part, decent, lovable and kind people struggling or reacting to their pressures, their lives and their stress. It is mean of me to compare their behaviour to my own, I am not under the stress that they are under, and yet I still expect kindness, attention and care. Who is the jerk here?

I hope that you get my point. This is a hard industry for so many reasons. Some of those forces we can all work together to improve, some are unlikely to change anytime soon. However if you are at the receiving end of what you feel is poor behaviour – unless it is profoundly bad, cut the other person some slack. The list (count down) in the article is only a small part of what they probably had to face, just this week alone.

I have finished this article (one I started a long time ago) as my first of 2018, in what I hope is a tiny contribution to making 2018 a great year. Forgiving each other a bit more and being a little more understanding and supportive. Many escorts and clients I know are struggling at the moment, let’s reach out and be more loving – especially to the workers who are confronted with this harsh reality every day.

Thank you for your readership. Comments are always welcome here or on Twitter. Please also understand that I am not trying to speak on behalf of Escorts, I am just a client who is trying to understand the forces that are impacting upon the companions that I meet and how I should behave in return to ordinary humans struggling with significant pressures.

Xx SP 3 January 2018

 

 

My Client Stages

How my journey as a client of Escorts has changed over time.

It seems strange looking backwards, to think that my journey as a ‘Client of Escorts’ has clear and distinct stages. Some relatively identifiable transitions and noticeably different periods. As I reflected on my journey in preparation for this unusual blog article, I felt great joy, but also rather profound sadness. Thinking about these phases is in many ways a personal meditation on the extreme highs and lows of my journey.

I am not suggesting that these stages apply to every client that sees multiple escorts and is active over an extended period. It is just what happened to me, so far, along the pathway of a two year adventure.

RumiQuote1

The Beginning – Discovery Stage

I have written previously on how I began as a client, especially in the article ‘Becoming A Client’. Here I am talking in a less personal and more collective sense. A reflection on phases. Beginning with my first six-months as a client of the Escort industry. I don’t know how to explain this stage without sharing some numbers. Something that I have avoided in this blog until now, but my personal actions and the clarity of these stages, needs some explanation and some detail.

Over the first six-months, I met twelve Escorts. By the end of that first six-months, the three that I had connected with the most, I had met ten, eight and seven times respectively. Yes, I was hooked early and I did have a lot of bookings. I was careful in research back then, taking a long time to choose who I wanted to see. I selected in a slow and considered process, from a combination of online profiles and close observation of what these Escorts seemed to be like on social media.

I chose well. I was also infatuated with the Escorts that I met. It was such an exciting change from the lonely years that predated this journey. I liked pretty much all of the Escorts that I met, and I wanted to keep seeing all of them. I was trying to keep a growing number of connections open, and progress the strengthening connection with each of these different but amazing women. By the end of six-months, the only way that I could keep doing this, was to make more frequent bookings.

I was starting to realise that I couldn’t meet many new people and still keep seeing the Escorts that I had already met. As the first six-months came to an end, I came to my first sad realisation. This discovery dynamic of meeting new people, while continuing to see others I had met as well, just couldn’t keep going in the same way. It is pretty simple maths really, but who wants to consider maths in this type of emotional situation.

There is some change that comes with time in any case. Out of the first twelve Escorts that I met, four have since retired from the industry. In another two cases, the Escort is based somewhere that I don’t get to travel to very often, and as a result, they were single booking encounters. In three other cases, some of which you may have already read about on my blog, our individual connection ended. Often the ‘endings’ were not particularly pleasant. They never ended ‘within a booking’, but in the messages, complexity and communication spaces that sit in between these fantasy moments.

In fact the three ‘Escort relationships’ I have had that ended the most awkwardly, all started within this ‘beginning period’ and then ended in the next stage of my journey. I had fourteen, thirteen and eleven bookings with these three lovely Escorts. Even today, although the various reasons for ending contact were all appropriate, I still miss all three of these intimate connections. The adventures of those first six months were so new and rich with experience, it is hard not to reflect, remember and sometimes miss the sheer newness of that period. I think it was some sort of awakening – it was certainly a period of personal discovery and enjoyment for me.

Three of the wonderful Escorts from this first phase, I am still privileged to continue to book today. The number of total bookings with each of them is climbing, and it is amazing to be building on a connection that includes a lengthening history together. They have been with me as I have moved through these phases and it is hard not to view these connections as friendships, because they feel like deep, intimate and beautiful friendships. After all, they have weathered my changing phases and still agree to see me. They are deeply important women to me. Each in their own way, they have changed me, supported me, loved me, and given my whole journey a continuity that I would be lost without. The beauty in these relationships also protects me in darker moments, and when confronted with some of the less positive aspects of this industry.

The Explosion – Experience Stage

A lot of my blog articles talk about this stage. After all, I didn’t start bloging until I had been a client for over a year, so I was in the later part of this second period when I started to write. Articles like ‘Addicted to Escorts’ are probably a good illustration of this period of wanting to ‘experience it all’. That ‘kid in a candy store’ dynamic has its own set of issues, and I wrote articles like ‘Single Booking Sadness’ and ‘What Went Wrong’ when I was dealing with no longer being able to make repeat bookings with every wonderful Escort that I met.

I am not going to say how many Escorts I met during this period, that is a level of private revelation that I’m not ready to open up to at this stage. What I can say, is that I met a number of amazing women, that had they been bookings in the ‘Discovery Phase’, I would most likely have seen them on more occasions than I ultimately did. With some of these bookings, I think back to the Escort and our one or two bookings with great fondness, and have wondered many times, if I had met them at the start, or now, not while I was in a phase of expanding my experiences, would things have been different. I believe they would. Sometimes it isn’t about ‘who you meet’, it is just as critically about ‘when you meet’. I certainly met some Escorts at the wrong time.

Despite the challenge of trying to balance seeing established regulars with a rush of new first time experiences, I still met some Escorts that I continue to see today. Some are close companions that I have seen on a significant number of occasions. I guess the point that I’m trying to make here, is that a growing regular connection was just ‘less likely’ to start with a client who was going through this crazy expansion period. During this stage, there was an element of ‘loving the thrill’ as much as ‘loving the individuals’.

A lot of the ‘angst’ in my early blog articles came from contradictory emotions that emerged during this stage. A sort of battle between the emotions of desiring experience, learning and discovery, in a tension and conflict with emotions that are about the specific personal connections between two people. In some cases the individual connections got collateral damage from the bigger journey, self-discovery and overall adventure that was happening with me at the time.

The Equilibrium – Settling Stage

More recently, I have come to find some form of equilibrium. I don’t see that many new Escorts that I haven’t met before any longer. It happens, occasionally I want that ‘first-meeting’ adrenaline and thrill again. The chance of meeting another close connection. It happens. Recently I have met a few Escorts that I am thrilled to be getting to know and seeing again. If I hadn’t still had the occasional new booking, I would have missed out on meeting some of the Escorts that I adore. The reality however is that this happens slowly, over a longer period of time, and largely as someone else retires or the connection closes for some other reason with a longer established companion.

Overall I have less bookings, most of them are with people that I feel I have come to know quite well, and I feel that they know something about me too. It is a stage that also has its challenges. It is hard not to fall at least partially in love with someone who you desperately want to stay in your life. Some of the articles like ‘Loving An Escort’ and ‘Staying In The Moment’, talk about the challenges of ‘keeping it about the booking’, when there is a growing interpersonal connection and a person (or people) that you (and I mean of course me) are thinking about regularly. Sneaking into your consciousness and even into your dreams.

With these regular connections, there are songs, smells, places and other triggers that re-make the connection at random times. So it is fine to say, ‘keep it to the booking’, but my mind has a way of filling in the ‘in-between’ places as well. I have found in this more recent phase, the phase that I believe I am still currently in, that the ‘Post-Booking Melancholy’ can be profound and deep. These wonderful women have entered my soul and although I can ‘keep it to the booking’, and respect boundaries and honour the connection, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that is a challenge. It is challenging because there really is a form of love that lives in this space.

Future Stages

I don’t know what else is to come. As I wrote in ‘Changed Man’ recently, there are other sources of changes and forces on my life outside of this journey and inside it as well. I know that other Escorts that I am close to will retire at some point. I know that ‘buying moments’ is unlikely to remain my primary manner of sexual intimacy forever. So there will be other stages, I just don’t know what they are yet. Maybe a different sort of equilibrium, maybe a decline phase, or maybe an extended ‘hiatus’ or ‘gap’. I don’t know. Many of you who read my blog have been clients for much longer than me. Maybe you would like to comment on your own phases. Have you been, gone, come back. Or do you see things very differently to me.

Perhaps if you are at the start, in that wonderful period of discovery. Then the one bit of bad news, or good news, is that the one constant is that things will change. People come into your life and they go out of it. I feel like I have formed some emotional ‘scar tissue’ from having strong feelings, then loss, and then other new strong feelings. There is a pervasive sadness that builds and grows over time, but it is the price of the adventure, the dark contrast to the lightness of amazing memories and experiences. I can’t give up the sadness, because it is the garden that all these amazing experience are growing within. There is no going back, and there is no way in hell that I would ever want to.

For every companion that I have met, I hope that some of this makes sense to you in the way that it does to me. You have all had a profound impact on me, that has made me a better person, and these connections and experiences are still shaping me into an even better man.

To my three companions that remain from the very beginning, I really don’t know how you have stuck with me through this journey. You know that I love you, and I want to say thank you once again!

Thank you as always for your readership. I would love to hear your experiences, your stages and your opinions. To those companions still with me, I truly and deeply thank you for continuing to let me share moments together with you.

Xx SP 12 October 2017

Growing Up

The journey starts to take hold …

I am an almost 50-year-old boy! Like a lot of guys, there is a teenager trapped inside, and I have been slow to learn emotional, life and important interpersonal lessons. Well the penny is starting to drop.

My almost two-year journey as a client of escorts is only part of my transition. It is an important part, and it has combined with some other difficult, painful and emotional transformations to teach me something. I am finally listening. Perhaps in some ways, I am finally ‘growing up’.

BestFootForward

Expectations of Seeing Escorts

I started this journey, as you can discover if you read ‘Becoming a Client’ out of a set of circumstances. I thought, after 10-years without real intimacy, and in a mid-life-crisis that it was about selfishness, adventure and rediscovering interpersonal intimacy. It was, and it wasn’t. I am not that guy any more.

My almost three-decade monogamous relationship looks like it is coming to an end. In the not too distant future, I will be a single, lonely, middle-aged and tragic figure. I would have expected to be looking for another long-term monogamous relationship, one that would see me through to the grave. That is what I thought. I wanted some memories before that declining last-chapter began. I wanted a bit of youth, some craziness and some sex and intimacy before resigning myself to old age and another attempt at an all encompassing monogamous relationship. After all that is what society expects.

That isn’t me anymore. I have new plans, and it is ironically the Escorts that I have met on the journey, that have changed my mind more than anyone else. Hotel bedroom and dinner booking ‘therapists’ that have shown me things about myself and shown me their own intimate journeys. Their desires, their demons, their lessons have helped me. They have also provided a mirror on my own issues and my own journey.

The Surprising Dynamics

I felt in some crazy way, that I could ‘road-test’ becoming intimate with a future soul mate by courting (seeing) Escorts. I know, madness right? I also felt that although the intimacy was purchased, it really was a ‘Girlfriend Experience’, again madness. So what has happened to me?

I fell in love. Of course I did, I was deprived of intimacy for more than a decade and Escorts for the most part are some of the most awesome and amazing people anyone could meet. Anyone who has read my blog knows that I have fallen hard (more than once). If I couldn’t have love, the I felt that I would give love, and hope for something to come back the other way. Anything really, just some care, some intimacy, some validation and interest. Also madness!

Despite my ignorance and stupidity, something that some parts of this industry depend upon from clients, I have been fortunate. In between my many mistakes, I have met some of the most amazing, and some of the most caring of people. Often, they have no doubt been frustrated with me. Head in hands, going “Bloody Hell Percie, what the fu^k are you thinking”, they have persevered with me. They have changed me. They have taken some real time and effort to help me!

My Friends

All of us meet friends in the most unlikely places. In fact, literally anywhere in our lives. Some friends and connections stick, and some don’t. I have been a very lucky client, as I think I have made a few on this journey. I know some clients write to me and say that they haven’t – and I am truly sorry if that is really the case. I have befriended a few fellow travelers. Perhaps more meaningfully, I have also been fortunate to befriend some Escorts. I have a friend in Sydney, we always have a great time together, and although we don’t see each other often, there are just too many things happening that we share for me to think that a friendship hasn’t formed. She is stuck with me!

I have a friend in Melbourne, although either of our eventual industry retirements will be a test, as I am a middle aged man and she is an amazing young woman. The same in Perth and the same in some other places, New South Wales, Queensland and even further afield. We are friends despite meeting in this industry, rather than because of it. I have also lost contacts I had mistakenly thought were friends. For a while that made me believe that every industry contact would end when the money stopped. Now I realise that is true in most cases, but it isn’t always true or some unavoidable rule.

In the situation where the money stops, and any artifice of friendship ends, if there is something else shared, a valuable exchange of another type between people, then a different future connection emerges. The possibility of a friendship that started within the moments together of an Escort-Client relationship. Some endings hurt as the reality becomes apparent. Now however I know, that in some rare and special cases, other connections will continue. I believe I now have a more mature engagement with this reality.

My Lovers

I don’t believe any of my paid companions love me. Sure I love some of them, but that is the nature of the industry, the gap between client love and escort accommodation of their clients, is the payment and the industry, that lets this dynamic and temporary reality happen in the first place. I will take friendship, and failing that, remembered experiences, as my wonderful result of this journey.

When I am single, I will be once again looking for love. I feel that I am now better prepared for this part of my journey. The challenge will be that I will be looking for it in an environment where I am open, integral with myself, and honest about my needs. I will be open that I have been a client of Escorts, and I may well be again. I know that reduces my chances of meeting people, but that is the approach I intend to take.

When that period of intensity of wanting to be in each others orbit, with nothing else intruding, that initial honey-moon of interactions is over, I will once again want broader experiences. I will want to invite others into my life. I will want to maintain a connection while exploring others. I will want to see other people, paid or unpaid, in an open and honest exchange and re-engage with people I have already met on this journey.

I know that sounds like a fairy-tale. I don’t have that much appeal to win love even in a classical model, let alone in some future utopian model of open relationships. But I don’t care. That is what I am going to do. That is what I will try. I am not ashamed of being a client of Escorts (past, present or future), I am proud of it. It has led me here. It has led me to a person that I actually want to be, a person that I am proud of, a person that needs more than one other person that I am sexually attracted to to be in my life, part of this life, sharing some aspects of the journey with me.

I still have a lot of growing up to do. But I am not going back to where I was and I have some of the most amazing people to thank for this transition. Sometimes these people are called Escorts. To me, they have been teachers, lovers, companions. In a few, a very small few cases, they are my friends.

Thank you for reading. I hope your journey is progressing too. To those most dear to me, I hope you see your place in this story and what you have done for me. I thank you. I love you. I hope I can be there for you as you have been there for me.

Xx SP 20 September 2017

Clingy Clients

Dealing with jealousy and envy …

I have been known to have very strong feelings for the Escorts that I see. So I guess if you read many of my blog articles, you would class me as a ‘clingy client’ – that would be fair enough and hard for me to challenge.

I guess since I have written on this, I talk about it on Twitter, and I generally throw off that ‘vibe’, I also get asked questions from other equally clingy clients. I was asked one such questions recently and it made me think on “how do I deal with this ‘clingy-ness’ and associated feelings of jealousy, envy and abandonment?”

HarbourNights

The Trigger Question

So I was asked … “I need to ask you for my benefit, how did you deal with <Escort that I adored> being with somebody else intimately or when she flirted with other clients on Twitter. I am really struggling with my feelings for <Escort that he adores> and I want to keep that all under wraps, please tell me if there is anything you did that I need to know?”

Wow, what a great question. I don’t know if I have a real answer, because the challenge of sorting through feelings, positive and negative is hard. It is a journey that we are all on, and I am still wading through this very territory myself. Anyway, for whatever it is worth, here is my response.

Some Thoughts On ‘Clingy-ness’

I try to look at it this way. I would never have had the opportunity to meet her if it wasn’t for her profession. She would never have seen me, or continued to see me if she wasn’t working as an Escort, and if I wasn’t a caring, good client, that she wanted to keep seeing, as long as I kept being a good client and kept paying.

The memories and adventures that I have are some of the best in my life. They changed me as a person, they come back to my mind often, and they spur me on. I am getting fitter, healthier (in mind and body) and trying to be a better man, in a very large part because of her. To be worthy of more experiences like that, and maybe one day to have experiences like that with a woman that I can meet, who doesn’t have to have me pay her – not that I mind if I do.

The fact that I had to share her with other men (and women) led to moments of intense jealousy and envy. Those feelings hurt, but they showed that I cared. I also hurt for her when she had a bad booking, or was down, or wasn’t getting enough work, or just had a shitty day. I hurt because she hurt.

When I was only hurting because I hurt, missing her, jealous, envious. I reminded myself that was because I love her and want her to do well, be well, be happy. I wanted a little part of that for me, when we were together in our amazing moments and occasionally in between, and that she wanted to see me again and again was most of the time enough for me.

I also reminded myself that she would not have been in my life at all, if she hadn’t decided to be an Escort, and if I had not decided to become a paying client.

Now that she is completely gone, I would have that back in a heartbeat.

Missing her now, is far harder than the occasional jealousy of another client or some comments on Twitter. I have lost all of her. But even then, I can’t be unhappy for very long. We had what we had for as long as we could have it. Special, unique, unrepeatable moments that will stay with me forever!

I am one very lucky man! Cling to the moments! Be glad of how they came about. It came about because at the time she chose to be an Escort and I chose to be a client. We all have to appreciate the things that allow that dynamic to occur, or all of those moments would never have existed.

Not really a solution I know, but a reality. Thank you for reading. This time I have given you something shorter, but I hope it has some meaning for you too.

Xx SP 13 September 2017.

Percie the Escort

Providing intimacy for someone else …

What is it like to ‘turn the tables’? This is the tale of the day that Percie was fortunate enough, to get a small taste of what it might be like, to be a male Escort. Possibly a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be the provider of intimacy for a female client.

Now before everyone gets their ‘knickers in a twist’, no one is suggesting that this is an authentic account of what being a male Escort is like. For one thing, I don’t have what it takes. It is however the true account of what it feels like for a long-standing client of escorts, to come as close to a ‘role change’ as possible, for a single experience. It didn’t teach me what it is like to be a male Escort, but it did teach me some other very interesting lessons.

PercieGifts

So How Did This Experience Come About?

It began on Twitter. Isabella Lawrence @SensualIsabella and I had been connected on Twitter for some time. When I started blogging, I began getting comments, both public and private from Isabella about the articles I was writing. I don’t think she liked my blog very much at the start, and was harsh but helpful on some of my naive early client views. Isabella is a writer as well, and has a lovely style and very interesting blog. We chatted in Twitter Private Messages (PMs) and started sharing part of our stories with each other and a connection built. I think she started to like me a little and I liked her, and our communications grew in frequency.

As a result, we agreed that when I was planning to be in Queensland later in the year, we would catch up for a coffee. We would meet face-to-face for the first time, discuss our mutual interests, our blog writing, and get to know each other a little better. Isabella and I had discovered that our other areas of work overlapped in the same professional field, and we started comparing notes, stories and even some professional support as part of our growing connection. We discussed what form the Queensland meeting would take, and settled on a companionship booking and either lunch or dinner – I would be the client obviously.

Then in mid-year, Isabella announced that she would be coming to Sydney for a visit. The visit was connected to both her escorting work and her other professional activities. Given our recent dialogue around her other professional field, we discussed the possibility of moving our first meeting forward, and grabbing a much earlier chance for a face-to-face meal in Sydney. Somewhere along the line, the conversation started to include joking banter about her booking me as her male companion for her upcoming Sydney business trip. A fun and unusual way of extracting some mentoring for her other work, and combining it with some personal intimacy. Initially it was a joke. In the early discussions, it was light-hearted ribbing and neither of us were taking it seriously, but it was a fun exchange and we both kept it going at different times.

I never believed that anyone would want to book me and pay me for intimacy. Isabella was having some fun, relieving boredom online, and I believe honestly letting me know that she was interested in taking our online conversation into a real-world one. In July, a month out from her Sydney visit, the joke become more serious and then a real conversation about logistics started to happen. How would it work in practice? Would it be OK? Would we both be comfortable with that dynamic? I was ‘sh^t scared to be honest, and I imagine that her own nerves and anxiety at the plan of booking me as her male companion were heightened as well. Suddenly we both agreed it would go ahead as a lunch booking on the 3rd of August, when we would both be in Sydney. It was locked in and it was going to happen.

SP-Prep

The Lead-Up To The Booking

We both nearly cancelled the idea on a number of occasions. Both of our insecurities were strong and laid bare. I didn’t know if I could play the part of a Male Escort. I didn’t have the physique, the skills, the youth, the Viagra or any idea, despite my significant experience as a client, on what I should do and how to do it. Isabella seemed to be concerned that she was not my type of Escort (or client), explaining that she was different to most of the Escorts that she had deduced I was booking. We both assured each other that there was no issue, and we had lovely exchanges of messages that reduced our mutual anxiety.

If we were going to do this, I wanted the experience to be as authentic as possible. I knew it was a sham of course, but I still wanted it to be a different and unique experience. It was a sham, because I knew her online, she wasn’t some unknown client with all of the uncertainty, risks and first meeting anonymity. I knew what she looked like, I knew she was a professional escort with all of the skills, comfort and easiness that would bring to the booking. It was a role-reversal pure and simple. I had to try and be the attentive provider, establishing my boundaries and rules, but still trying to live up to the wishes and dreams of my client. She was going to be able to play the client, deciding what she wanted from the booking and letting me know what her desires were and how I could try and satisfy them. At one point she joked that she could play the part of a deliberately difficult client, if I really wanted to see ‘authentic’. That alone was an arousing and intriguing thing. Could I satisfy my client, even if it was more act than reality, especially if they were making it challenging for me?

I went and purchased condoms, lube and other paraphernalia. I had a haircut, purchased some new clothes and an ‘out-call’ bag. I always prepare for my bookings as a client, but I wanted to be the best provider that I could be, and I went to extra effort. It was all part of the fun, and it was also enjoyable to talk about the difference of this experience online. We slowly went from ‘keeping it quiet’ to sharing little bits and pieces of the lead up on Twitter. Isabella told me that if I was a ‘real Escort’, I would need a profile. So I made one up, sent it to her and then posted a version of it on Twitter as well.

PB-Bio

The Booking – Lunch

I arrived at my hotel in the morning and my room wasn’t ready. I needed to get in, shower, put my long planed preparation in place and be calm and ready. I had organised an early check-in, but the last guest had held everything up by leaving late. My first real lesson came at that point. I was so much more anxious. I couldn’t message my Escort and say lets meet somewhere else, or the room isn’t ready yet. I was the provider, it needed to be perfect and I didn’t want my first thing to be an excuse about a problem caused by someone else. I begged and argued and finally got into my room, with 20-minutes before I needed to leave for lunch. It was far more stressful than being the client and just updating an Escort on external problems – I didn’t want any external problems, I wanted to be the perfect companion and be ready and on time.

I arrived at our lunch at the agreed time, just, it was a close thing. Isabella was already at Rockpool in Sydney and she got up to greet me. I nearly tripped on a chair and it spoiled my planned introduction. I could feel little glossy sweat beads starting to form on my forehead, from the really strong nerves I was feeling. We sat and I hid my hands under the table to try and remain cool and look as relaxed and debonair as I could manage. We broke the ice quickly. It was an easy conversation, with lots of laughing and it was all wonderful and amazingly natural. I did start to forget that I was meant to be ‘providing’ the companionship. Isabella is a natural and an amazing conversationalist, so this was hardly an authentic experience of having to work hard to get a conversation going, or find common ground, or deal with the menu and fine dining issues of someone less experienced. Anyone dining with Isabella is in for a great time – and we sure had a great time.

My only lesson or difference of experience here, apart from the opening nerves, was a surprising one. It was something I should have realised, but it caught me completely by surprise. I wasn’t paying for the lunch, so all of a sudden intense anxiety hit me about what was the right approach to ordering – did I need to go cheap, mid-range or take Isabella’s offer, the same one that I make all the time, have whatever you want. I went mid-range with the meal and the wine, which at Rockpool is still an extravagance. It wasn’t exactly what I would have ordered if I was paying, especially the wine, but it was close. It made me wonder that when I said ‘have whatever you want’ to companions, how restrained were they really being? How were they making their judgements on what to order? How in future could I really, really convince them to relax and order whatever they really wanted to eat and drink and have a good time. This is a subtle difference between client and provider, but it surprised the hell out of me and made me angry at myself that I hadn’t thought of this difference before.

It was an amazing lunch, really first class and Isabella was magnificent. I hope that I managed to play the part of provider well enough. I did try and shut up about myself and listen more to her, ask her questions, and let her have the lunch conversation that she wanted, but hell, I’m a talker and it is hard to change that in one go. I think I did OK.

SP-View

The Booking – Dessert

We went back to the Shangri La hotel in a taxi, holding hands, continuing to laugh and taking our time as Isabella was recovering from a recent knee injury. I knew she was in a fair bit of pain, but she was pushing on. I was in a really comfortable place, and I was thinking to myself, I want to show Isabella the best possible time that I can. I know I can’t ‘rock someone’s world’ with professional male Escort skills, but I wanted to be intimate, be of service and make her feel good about inviting me.

Isabella had selected me. She actually wanted to meet me, see me, treat me and be intimate with me. That is amazingly special. It is hard even to write this, because it is making me emotional all over again. I have had girlfriends, been married, and even been propositioned for affairs (on very rare occasions), but I had never before had someone choose me in this way. It is nice when Escorts indicate that they are close to me and are happy to accept re-bookings. It does make me feel special as a client, but I am still paying to see them.

It is something else entirely for someone to actively choose me. I wonder now when I see aggressive complaining about minor client annoyances, happening on platforms like Twitter, whether these more seasoned professional Escorts remember, how few people actually get to be chosen in this way. I found it very special, humbling and fulfilling to have the feeling, even for just a moment of role-reversal, to be chosen to be someone’s paid companion.

Almost anyone can be a client. If they make the right approach, are decent, have the money and behave the right way, they can see amazing Escorts. Not many people can be Escorts. Develop a brand that has personal and intimate appeal, make others want them so badly that they will pay, over and over again, and often fall for them. It is special to be of service and to be wanted. Isabella made me feel so special, it is probably the most desired I have ever felt in my life. Someone wanted to be with me badly enough that they would pay me for the privilege. Even in the pretending of this, it was a special moment where I got lost in the role reversal and saw how much of a gift being desired is.

We spoke more. Isabella told me that there was no pressure, we didn’t have to go through with anything and we could just talk and have fun. We did a little of that of course, but I wanted to get intimate with my client for the day, and try and make her happy with me. I did OK again. I wish I had done better, but nerves and self-imposed pressure played their part. I was turned on and hard, no Viagra required, and was having a great time physically, but I admit it was lucky that Isabella was a professional. Despite our role-reversal, it was clear who was the novice (me) and who was the expert (Isabella).

SP-Wine

I don’t know how Escorts manage time, I was terrible. I had always intended to go over time, but I really had no idea, and hadn’t really prepared myself for being ‘on-the-ball’ with alarms, or a discrete clock, or some other way of knowing and managing the time. In the end, I left at close to 6pm, about 90-minutes more than our agreed 4-hour session. I was having a great time, I would have stayed longer, but you know, professional boundaries. Of course Isabella also let me stay until then, so she was cutting me some ‘rare experience’ slack as well. I had a wonderful afternoon, it was an amazing and unique experience, and in many ways it was really pure. Two people that thought they might get along, finding out that their expectations were right. I know Isabella will never book me again – I’m simply just not male Escort material, but I will book her. She is a wonderful Escort.

The Aftermath!

Isabella gave me a card, a gift (Whisky of course) and my fee, a once-only special ‘newby discount’ rate of $50 for what turned out to be a 6-hour lunch. Far more than I’m worth. That payment is “going straight to the pool-room” – framed and honoured. The one time that Percie was paid for sex, the day gravity turned up-side down, water ran up-hill and time went backwards. The day that Percie got to pretend to be a male Escort. Thank you Isabella for a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Now whether I had prepaid Isabella for this to be a role-play or not, really shouldn’t matter to anyone but us. Regardless of that, we both knew that this was pretend, a fabricated experience. Isabella is a professional escort, I am a client. That is the world and although this experience probably taught us both things, especially me, it wasn’t real. No one suggested that all of a sudden Percie was an escort, but despite that, Twitter went into a mini melt-down!

A number of our connections had been celebrating the lead-up, the fun and games of the preamble, and then the booking itself. We both left the day thinking that we had shared our wonderful experience with some of our Twitter buddies. The next morning was a different and nasty world. Apparently we had committed some huge offense against humanity. Some was directed at me, some at Isabella, we both got more than our fair share of haters. Apparently somehow we had disrespected the industry, some smack-in-the-face for struggling workers. It was said that my ego was running wild, that all of a sudden I thought of myself as some gun male Escort. Of course none of the haters asked, none of them discussed, and none of them tried to understand the story or even take a look at the lead-up. Since this was something different, they jumped in, with their own agenda, their own issues, and their own viciousness. A little Twitter campaign against Isabella, or me, or both of us ran for a few days.

The level of nastiness drove Isabella to an asthma attack and hospitalization. In my case, I am actually appreciative of the outcomes. It showed me some vicious people to avoid, it showed me some people that I thought would support me that didn’t, it showed me some that supported me privately, and it showed others that despite the significant personal risk to themselves, didn’t hesitate to jump in and support me. To those that sent me private well wishes, thank you so much. To those that put themselves on the line, I really don’t know how to thank you, or if I will ever be able to repay you – but I know who you are, I love you, and I saw first hand the quality of people that you are. Brave, lovely and like me, stupid enough to jump into social media storms, when far more sensible people would steer clear.

I’m not worried for me, but the malice directed to Isabella is unforgivable in my opinion. The people who complain about their own trolls, haters and aggressors that can hypocritically turn on a lovely and sensitive colleague – well I guess you know what I think. Somehow she is more forgiving of you than I am, so if you still think harm was done here, it was my doing and not hers.

I have this strange feeling of joy at the experience and meeting Isabella. Thankfulness at the insights and lessons that it taught me. Also some thankfulness in knowing who to trust and who not to trust. Plus residual surprise at how these crazy Twitter storms grow and progress, and who it is that seems to want to fuel them.

I am no Escort. I am a pretty simple average guy who is a client of sex workers. I write on the experience occasionally. I make mistakes, I have issues and I stuff up. This wasn’t one of those ‘stuff-ups’, it was always respectful of this industry and if anything, it has given me even more respect for the challenges of being an Escort – especially when solidarity and support within the community goes missing.

Thank you for reading. I hope that you can respect Isabella and leave her alone or show her your support. In my case, see this tale however you want. A fun role-play, an ego maniac client, a blight on the industry, or just a guy on a journey. It has cured me of thinking I can somehow get everyone to like me – that lesson alone was worth the experience. To Isabella my companion for the day, it was special, you are amazing, and I love you for being part of this with me. Thank you so much!

Xx SP 7 September 2017

Winter’s End

Change is often painful …

Thoughts on a dark period for Percie.

I’m back, perhaps? This is my first blog article in almost two months, following a period of three months in which I wrote forty-five pieces. What happened, where have I been and why am I back?

This is a personal story of change. So much has changed in the last five-months while I wrote this blog and then during the more recent hiatus while I didn’t. This is going to be self-serving, over-thinking and a rambling return to writing. So get out now if that isn’t for you.

EmptyBottles

The Honeymoon is Over

Not that far into my journey as a client of escorts, I remember a dialogue on Twitter with a far more experienced ‘client of sex-workers’ in another country. I was rambling on about how amazing escorts were, how mind-blowing the experiences were, and why doesn’t everyone do this? His reply was, ‘of course … you are in the honeymoon period, it’s all new and there is no baggage, no entanglements and no regrets’. I remember thinking, what the f–k is this idiot talking about, don’t kill the buzz like that. It will be different for me. Of course I was the idiot, but most of us have to learn these lessons for ourselves – especially me.

Then that early period comes to an end. You see behind the ‘glamour’ that many escorts and many clients are profoundly sad and have holes in their souls that they are trying to fill or forget. No different to every other human in many ways, but exposed when the intimate engagements that are the hallmark of this industry show them, play with them, sometime soothe them and sometimes inflame them. It is an exciting and rewarding exchange, but like everything, the strength is also the Achilles-heel, the same intensity impacts on negative things like envy, insecurity, anger and emptiness.

My Transition

I was very lucky. The start of my journey and the end of my ‘honeymoon’ period were in many ways clearly marked out for me, in retrospect at least. If you have read my piece ‘My End of Summer’, you will know the end. In reality it isn’t exactly that clear cut. Just like my becoming a client was actually a complex life-transition, so in many ways is this shift. The obvious point of change is the retirement of my longest and closest companion, an Escort that I had fallen in love with. A sudden ending, and then the process of letting go is hard. Much harder than I expected. It really is a type of grief, complete with all of the stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). Denial and anger passed quickly for me. Bargaining was a surprise and one I may write about one day. Depression lasted a long time, not clinical depression of any type, just a very down period connected to the specific events occurring at the time. I hope I am now in acceptance and will come to what that means shortly.

In addition to this trigger, I had other stuff going on. Two close deaths, elderly relatives but painful and connected to my own mid-life existential and mortal angst. I have an unwell daughter, the worst of all my real-life issues, but both too painful and too personal for this forum. I had work issues, domestic issues and some other surrounding real-life dramas just to make sure it was coming from all directions. Many people I know are dealing with worse, maybe you are too, I hope that changes and improves, but this was a big emotional load for me. The perfect time for change.

Percie’s Transition

Within my journey as a client of escorts, it wasn’t just the retirement of my longest standing companion. There were other ‘end of the honeymoon’ moments. Another companion that I also adore seemed to be having her own turmoil, well hidden but apparent, and had largely withdrawn from contact and public channels. There were others that I liked to converse with in social media and messages who also seemed to be backing away from the same contact points (primarily Twitter). Then of course there was this blog. My cathartic desire to write, led to an audience (who knew) and some of that audience didn’t particularly like Percival Blakeney.

I don’t mind a bit of banter, exchange and even the occasional argument. I’m not as well equipped to handle this with a light-touch when I’m already down and damaged, as I found out for the first time. It hurt when a couple of escorts who had actually met me turned away and even went on the attack. It hurt less getting attacked by those that didn’t know me, but it still managed to ‘get under my skin’. There is a certain perverse irony in Escorts complaining that people misunderstand them and then laying into an online client that they know nothing at all about. Being blocked and bullied was just another experience, but it really hurt when others I did care about started suffering collateral damage. A few escorts and clients that know me said kind things and then promptly got targeted as well.

I wasn’t enjoying being a target, but I really went into a downward spiral seeing other people I liked and cared for being hurt on my account. Some other kind people sent private messages and offered to comment publicly. I asked them not to. This is a journey for me, mostly positive, sometimes not, but it isn’t my livelihood, it isn’t my real-life reputation, and it isn’t my peers and close friends. I don’t want anyone putting things that important at risk just to stop some mild online nastiness, the type that those very same kind souls face in greater volume and stronger viciousness every single day.

Of course when you’re down, that has a shame cycle all of its own. It made me want to defend them instead, hold them and protect them, that made me feel like a stupid ‘white-knight’ and risk speaking out for people who can (and do) protect themselves better than I ever could. Just another sense of worthlessness and irrelevance for someone already beating themselves up for being a failure as a father, a partner, in business, a friend, a client and even as a fictional online character. Compounded by my own neglect of contact with people I had connected with and thinking of my own sorrows instead of supporting others with theirs.

Hard Lessons

I already look over many of the blog articles I wrote between March and June with some concerns over my naive views. They were all true and all emotionally valid for me when they were written. Since they are my journey, I am leaving them. If I would summarize my shifting perspective, I would emphasize the idea of ‘bookings-as-moments’ more. They are real and fake all at the same time. However since it is two ‘real-people’ together, alone and mostly free from external distraction, they are as pure as almost any moment in time that this modern world creates. The moments should be respected and valued.

As for what happens between moments. Some of that is real and valuable too. However most of what happens online isn’t real and isn’t great. Most of the entanglements between moments aren’t great. They are better considered as admin, marketing, chatter or worse. Only a small amount of it is real-connection and valuable, inter-personal exchanges. Those rarer high-quality items, if they exist for you, should be cherished but in many ways they sit aside and independent from the moments that escorts and clients create together – hang onto them and don’t get caught up in the ‘in-between’ spaces.

I spoke on friendships and connections in past articles, and I think they are rare. It isn’t surprising that we chase them. It just shouldn’t be a source of angst, causing us to miss or ignore the fun, strength and amazing moments that escorts create for their clients. The companion that I loved isn’t my friend, she is gone. Gone to have a glorious life and be a young woman on a different path. I will always have those moments to remember and maybe our paths will cross again. It is just the simple reality that without our client and escort connection, the transactions, the moments and the in-between spaces, our lives just don’t intersect anymore. The escort controls this, because an ex-client can NEVER take the initiative with contact once the business relationship has ended. Friends can reach out to each other, ex-clients must remain silent. An ‘ex-client’ without invitation is less able to make contact post-retirement than any other person on the planet – for that reason we may think about each other, but the ‘ex-client’ is forever prevented from being a friend. That is one very tough lesson.

I think when I retire as a client or other close companions retire, there may be a few connections and possibly even distant friendships. This might happen where we already have contact because of other things happening in each of our lives. I think that it will in a couple of cases, and that makes me very fortunate. However, each of these is a case-by-case thing, that will have to survive that moment when the ex-escort says that it is fine to contact, because no quality ‘ex-client’, would ever take the initiating step. This is obvious really, but in the cold, hard, light-of-day, it is a bitter pill to swallow for people chasing intimacy and filling holes in their lives. Why? Because it speaks the truth that no matter how connected and special the moments feel, they are a fantasy bound by a transaction and industry rules of engagement. Those rules are forever! The only person that can change that dynamic is an escort and only once the transaction (or future transaction) is removed. That is always going to be a very, very rare thing indeed.

Back from the dead!

So I am back – sort of. Things have improved in my life in many areas. I am getting healthy with a personal trainer, I am seeing a counselor and I am once again listening to positive voices more loudly than the negative ones. Instead of ignoring good advice, I am taking it and embracing it. I have lots of life transitions ahead, but I see them as positive and progressive, rather than negative and stalled. I have grieved for my youth, missed opportunities, my early escort experiences and my retired angel. Alright, all of those are still a work-in-progress, but I am at least on the right road.

Percie has changed and so has his pilot. All my life I have been an introvert and a thinker (alright, an over-thinker). That point I made earlier, our strengths are our weaknesses – well they made me a world-class strategist (strength of thinking and introversion) and not a very good emotionally-connected person (same deal). I have always been shifting slowly towards being more of a natural extrovert – a life long journey of ‘faking it till you make it’. I had never thought though, that the thinking bit would shift to feelings. Well it seems that bit-by-bit, with the help of trauma, experiences and role-models, it is. Take a look at 16-personality-types (Myers Briggs) model for some background.

I have always been in the ‘Architect’ (INTJ) personality type – good for my job, not always so good for my life. I thought I was drifting to ‘Commander’ (ENTJ) personality type (swapping the introvert for extrovert one day). Instead, it looks like I’m tipping over into ‘Protagonist’ (ENFJ) personality type as my engagement with the world becomes more feeling and socially led. Percie has probably always been my ‘Protagonist’ self, but the ‘pilot’ is following his constructed reality. I would miss Percie if I retired him, he needs to help with my personal transition for a little while longer yet.

I won’t be writing as much. I won’t be so down. I may not even keep this going or even Percie going for that much longer. I don’t know and I don’t really care that I don’t have a plan. I’m going to do what suits me while respecting others and I’m going to celebrate my transition either on these pages or with the people that are important to me. Whether they are important in the moment and moments we have together or for some longer and unspecified connection.

If you are still reading my articles thank you. If my own journey, roller-coaster and drama filled period hasn’t dislodged you yet, then I guess you’ve decided to stick around. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Xx SP 28 August 2017

Client-Escort Karma

The impact of trading emotion for money – risks of burn out!

Trading Intimacy for Money has some Balancing Problems!

Money buys food, food lets you expend energy, energy lets you earn money, money buys you more food! That is the modern-day ‘hunter-gatherer’ cycle. In a similar way, escorts give clients intimacy, sex and companionship – an emotional ‘deduction’ – and in return receive a monetary payment. What happens when the ’emotional deductions’ add up? You can’t go without food forever, and you can’t go without emotional sustenance forever either!

This is going to be a very special and unusual article for me (Percie Blakeney), as the idea, and the co-authorship, go to a currently working escort that wishes to remain anonymous. This is a client and an escorts opinion – it is a co-written piece – and the entire credit for the idea goes to the escort, who like many escorts, suffers from an emotional deficit after giving so much emotional support to her clients!

MorningMessage

The ‘Swiss-Cheese’ or ‘Cookie-Cutter’ Effect.

My co-writer first noticed a particular ’emotional deficit’ effect after 6-months of escorting. Later, after discussions with other escorts, she found that the problem was common place. The offering of ‘companionship’ and authentic emotional support to clients, without a similar ’emotional credit’ coming back the other way, was leading to emotional problems and a sense of being ‘burned out’ by the constant giving. This giving may result in a financial return (earning a living), but you can only give so much of yourself without finding avenues for replacement, rejuvenation, refreshment and personal recharging. We all need emotional sustenance!

An Escort’s Example (from My Co-Author).

I came to escorting quite late in life and with great determination to make it work for financial reasons. I also gained a regular clientele very quickly including some very emotionally challenging clients. It has been said to me, that the experiences I have had, could send even a more experienced lady around the twist. However they have also allowed me great financial freedom so I am not complaining but simply noticing a particular personal effect.

I am by nature a very empathetic person, to a degree that is sometimes to my detriment. When confronted by a person hurt or in need, my natural instinct is to give of myself in both a practical and emotional sense. In my real life, this has left me hurt and in some very poor personal situations, it has impacted my life path significantly. Despite this, I still believe firmly in empathy and love as the two most powerful forces in the world. For the long term good of humanity, these are the two forces with the power to take us to better times.

As I began to escort I was struck by how many stressed and tightly wound up men walked through my door. I noticed how they walked in stressed and tense and I could actually make them relax and ease their state of mind quite deliberately with a calm manner, a cool drink, calming music, lighting and ears, above all ears. You may facetiously say it was boobs and bum that helped, but no I believe that it is the listening and nurturing, the caring and giving, that gives the most relief and calming influence to these men.

The intimacy created by the exchange of conversation leads to a far greater physical intimacy. In the beginning I noticed so many of these men were talking about deeper feelings for me and I wasn’t sure what was happening. I was overwhelmed. Several situations got out of hand emotionally and caused distress. I would feel and still do feel these waves of connection and empathy as I soothed and satisfied my visitors and I realised in time that each of them was taking a cookie cutter and making vacuous holes in my soul. My ‘soul’ was having pieces slowly taken from it, in the analogy of a ‘cookie cutter’ or ‘Swiss cheese’.

The ‘Out-Of-Balance’ Transaction!

I was giving to these clients, but only in rare cases was any care taken in return for my emotional needs. This is understandable as I was being paid for a service. But the thing was that I was giving emotionally in a very real sense, I had little or nothing in the way of barriers or emotional protection around me. I didn’t know how to have barriers. Every man was taking ‘cookie cutter size shapes’ out of me until I was more empty than full, just like a sheet of cookie dough once the biscuits are stamped out.

This left me, and has left other escorts I have spoken to, feeling hollow and needing replenishing. This awful feeling of neediness, which is perhaps one of the most dangerous places for an escort mentally, builds and builds over time. We look around for the emotional replenishment that we seek, tenderness, a kiss on the forehead, slow tender and giving sex, and sometimes it places us in the line of sight of manipulative clients who can take even more emotionally from our deplenished reserves.

Clients who play on this emotional neediness can be very dangerous. I believe this is where sadly some ‘at risk’ escorts lose the battle with their mental health. It takes great strength to reflect on this effect, and to see clearly what is happening to yourself emotionally. To take stock and learn, to be a giving empathetic companion, who is able to open the gates of intimacy and then close them again, and find ways to recharge and rebuild the spirit and keep operating within a healthy mental state.

Ways of Operating.

Many surf on the top of these waves successfully with a more emotionally superficial connection to clients. Those of us who dive beneath the waves into murky waters of genuinely loving connections, we can quickly gain very devoted clients and grow our business, but we also run the risk of this emotional cookie cutter syndrome. If we (escorts) allow ourselves to be become emotionally drained, then we can become so empty, that the hollowness makes us look for emotional solutions where they do not lie.

Client and Industry Responsibilities.

When you next see an escort, remember that if she is a certain type of private escort whose is deeply conversing and connecting, she is opening her soul on a certain level to you. Remember that she is vulnerable, not physically or because she is weak but because she is giving and loving. The emotional things that the client needs, endorsement, companionship, care, listening, connection, she is giving those of herself and may need some element of them in return. No one can give away their emotional reserves in this way forever without reciprocation and recharging.

Remember that as you enjoy from her the things that you need, sexual release, a shoulder to cry on, listening ears to hear your troubles, and arms to absorb your tension, remember to give back a little. Remember this is not simply a financial transaction, on a certain level it is an emotional exchange between two human beings, and to be the best it can be, it must be a two way exchange.

This article is one escorts story and one clients retelling and endorsement of what happens in the more emotional connections that occur in this industry, within this secret world. The opinion is that of a successful escort and it resonated deeply for me, so I felt it was something that might be meaningful for other clients and escorts as well. As you can imagine this was a difficult and emotional piece to write, so please respect my guest co-author’s anonymity in relation to this article and the opinions expressed here.

As always, thanks so much for your readership. Comments, feedback and sharing are greatly appreciated.

Xx SP 26 June 2017 (with humble thanks to my co-author).