Escort Relationship Breakdowns

Escort-client connections are still relationships and they end.

Ending longstanding escort-client connections.

One day, the escort or client will retire from their participation in the industry, however most connections won’t last until anywhere near that natural end.

Sometimes the ending of a regular and repeat connection is easy, sometimes it has a great deal of pain attached. The sad truth is that they all end.

A run of endings.

For a long time I didn’t experience or appreciate that the connections I was making would end. Of course I had the once only bookings I spoke about in my article Single Booking Sadness, but here I’m talking about escorts I had seen at least half-a-dozen times and felt a strong connection with. In the early days, they just seemed like they would roll on, continuing to deepen and grow. Wow, how naive was I?

Then it happened, my first ‘escort breakup’, then another, then another and you guessed it, then another. So why does this happen, what does it mean and what should be done about it?

The common denominator!

I am the common factor in my relatioships, just as you are in yours. Four types of factors or things happened to me that caused these enjoyable regular or repeat experiences to come to an end.

The logic of availability.

Firstly the rules of the universe intervened – the rules of time and maths. Early on, these relatioships were new and the number of bookings we had shared together was small. As I moved through my second year as a client, I had more ‘regulars’ than was realistically manageable, and the length of these relationships had hit a point where any issues we may have with ongoing compatibility became revealed, exposed and ultimately actioned.

I couldn’t keep seeing all of the same regular escorts, and in some cases our relationships had gone as far as they ever would, and were in fact now decaying. The first of these to end hurt more as a result of shock and learning than deeper emotional hurt and I guess now, I understand that if a client or escort is around for the long-haul, then this clearing and changing is a natural part of this weird but wonderful world.

Escort shut-down.

If the first reason for ending was more about my decisions on who to keep seeing, then this second group of endings is more about the Escort making the choice on who to continue receiving bookings from.

There are many ways that this can happen, and the ones that I have experienced felt to me, the client, as things like, being non-responsive, money-grabbing opportunism, coldness and other forms of shifting to exceptionally hard business shown over the softer companionship that was often a part of the earlier bookings with the same escort.

It really doesn’t matter what the example or the reason, one way or another the escort either decided to limit availability, close contact, be much harsher, or favour short-term financial outcomes over continuing a longer relationship. The effect is the same, the escort decided that I wasn’t for them as part of their regular client cohort. As we all know, it doesn’t matter who pulls the trigger on a ‘separation’, it can hurt almost as much either way.

Client actions.

On top of these client led selections and escort triggered exits, I had my own additional cocktail of triggers that caused an end in proceedings. For a few months at least, I wasn’t my relatively happy-go-lucky self. Let’s just say I had family, work and other ‘real-life’ drama that put me in a low place – a more needy, sad, insecure and unhappy place. In a weakened emotional position, we take actions that are not always ideal.

This is the category of client instability and unsuitability, it captures a lot of territory. For me, I am not talking about anything financial, violent, unclean or otherwise unsavoury, I was just overly stressed and needy. As a result, I was looking for support in my life and this included testing my escort relationships for support – asking for more emotional connection than I deserved from these financial transactions.

To my eternal good fortune, a few escorts were kind enough and close enough to offer me this ‘beyond the work’ support. Thank you so much! The rest, as you would expect, didn’t, it was a ‘step too far’ in the Girlfriend experience. Cutting a client loose can be done with good grace, it can be done with venom, and it can even be done with shame and embarrassment.

Those that cut me down hard and with venom, I will gladly not see again, there are some nasty escorts around. Those that effectively said, sorry, but no, I will happily see again and appreciate their professionalism and boundaries. Those that helped me, I owe so much, and without changing any professional boundaries of the business, I also count as friends. When you get into long-standing regular escort-client relationships, the decisions become unique, individual and highly personal.

Escort actions.

There are also unusual, needy and other personal escort actions that can cause break-ups. This, like my story above, is too broad and personal a range of things to be listed. Suffice to say that I have experienced some behaviours that I don’t understand and the results need to be considered as the personal and private reasons of the escort. They may be rational or they may not, but when either party, client or escort says that it is over – then it’s over.

There are other reasons too, but escort or client, if you are here for a while, breakups are part of the territory. Some hurt, some don’t, some are necessary some are not. The connections that survive this strange and wonderful world are rare, very rare, and nothing less than minor miracles.

I would love your thoughts and thanks for reading my work.

Xx SP 1 April 2017 (article updated 19 May 2017 and again 23 May 2018).

Percie the Escort

Providing intimacy for someone else …

What is it like to ‘turn the tables’? This is the tale of the day that Percie was fortunate enough, to get a small taste of what it might be like, to be a male Escort. Possibly a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be the provider of intimacy for a female client.

Now before everyone gets their ‘knickers in a twist’, no one is suggesting that this is an authentic account of what being a male Escort is like. For one thing, I don’t have what it takes. It is however the true account of what it feels like for a long-standing client of escorts, to come as close to a ‘role change’ as possible, for a single experience. It didn’t teach me what it is like to be a male Escort, but it did teach me some other very interesting lessons.

PercieGifts

So How Did This Experience Come About?

It began on Twitter. Isabella Lawrence @SensualIsabella and I had been connected on Twitter for some time. When I started blogging, I began getting comments, both public and private from Isabella about the articles I was writing. I don’t think she liked my blog very much at the start, and was harsh but helpful on some of my naive early client views. Isabella is a writer as well, and has a lovely style and very interesting blog. We chatted in Twitter Private Messages (PMs) and started sharing part of our stories with each other and a connection built. I think she started to like me a little and I liked her, and our communications grew in frequency.

As a result, we agreed that when I was planning to be in Queensland later in the year, we would catch up for a coffee. We would meet face-to-face for the first time, discuss our mutual interests, our blog writing, and get to know each other a little better. Isabella and I had discovered that our other areas of work overlapped in the same professional field, and we started comparing notes, stories and even some professional support as part of our growing connection. We discussed what form the Queensland meeting would take, and settled on a companionship booking and either lunch or dinner – I would be the client obviously.

Then in mid-year, Isabella announced that she would be coming to Sydney for a visit. The visit was connected to both her escorting work and her other professional activities. Given our recent dialogue around her other professional field, we discussed the possibility of moving our first meeting forward, and grabbing a much earlier chance for a face-to-face meal in Sydney. Somewhere along the line, the conversation started to include joking banter about her booking me as her male companion for her upcoming Sydney business trip. A fun and unusual way of extracting some mentoring for her other work, and combining it with some personal intimacy. Initially it was a joke. In the early discussions, it was light-hearted ribbing and neither of us were taking it seriously, but it was a fun exchange and we both kept it going at different times.

I never believed that anyone would want to book me and pay me for intimacy. Isabella was having some fun, relieving boredom online, and I believe honestly letting me know that she was interested in taking our online conversation into a real-world one. In July, a month out from her Sydney visit, the joke become more serious and then a real conversation about logistics started to happen. How would it work in practice? Would it be OK? Would we both be comfortable with that dynamic? I was ‘sh^t scared to be honest, and I imagine that her own nerves and anxiety at the plan of booking me as her male companion were heightened as well. Suddenly we both agreed it would go ahead as a lunch booking on the 3rd of August, when we would both be in Sydney. It was locked in and it was going to happen.

SP-Prep

The Lead-Up To The Booking

We both nearly cancelled the idea on a number of occasions. Both of our insecurities were strong and laid bare. I didn’t know if I could play the part of a Male Escort. I didn’t have the physique, the skills, the youth, the Viagra or any idea, despite my significant experience as a client, on what I should do and how to do it. Isabella seemed to be concerned that she was not my type of Escort (or client), explaining that she was different to most of the Escorts that she had deduced I was booking. We both assured each other that there was no issue, and we had lovely exchanges of messages that reduced our mutual anxiety.

If we were going to do this, I wanted the experience to be as authentic as possible. I knew it was a sham of course, but I still wanted it to be a different and unique experience. It was a sham, because I knew her online, she wasn’t some unknown client with all of the uncertainty, risks and first meeting anonymity. I knew what she looked like, I knew she was a professional escort with all of the skills, comfort and easiness that would bring to the booking. It was a role-reversal pure and simple. I had to try and be the attentive provider, establishing my boundaries and rules, but still trying to live up to the wishes and dreams of my client. She was going to be able to play the client, deciding what she wanted from the booking and letting me know what her desires were and how I could try and satisfy them. At one point she joked that she could play the part of a deliberately difficult client, if I really wanted to see ‘authentic’. That alone was an arousing and intriguing thing. Could I satisfy my client, even if it was more act than reality, especially if they were making it challenging for me?

I went and purchased condoms, lube and other paraphernalia. I had a haircut, purchased some new clothes and an ‘out-call’ bag. I always prepare for my bookings as a client, but I wanted to be the best provider that I could be, and I went to extra effort. It was all part of the fun, and it was also enjoyable to talk about the difference of this experience online. We slowly went from ‘keeping it quiet’ to sharing little bits and pieces of the lead up on Twitter. Isabella told me that if I was a ‘real Escort’, I would need a profile. So I made one up, sent it to her and then posted a version of it on Twitter as well.

PB-Bio

The Booking – Lunch

I arrived at my hotel in the morning and my room wasn’t ready. I needed to get in, shower, put my long planed preparation in place and be calm and ready. I had organised an early check-in, but the last guest had held everything up by leaving late. My first real lesson came at that point. I was so much more anxious. I couldn’t message my Escort and say lets meet somewhere else, or the room isn’t ready yet. I was the provider, it needed to be perfect and I didn’t want my first thing to be an excuse about a problem caused by someone else. I begged and argued and finally got into my room, with 20-minutes before I needed to leave for lunch. It was far more stressful than being the client and just updating an Escort on external problems – I didn’t want any external problems, I wanted to be the perfect companion and be ready and on time.

I arrived at our lunch at the agreed time, just, it was a close thing. Isabella was already at Rockpool in Sydney and she got up to greet me. I nearly tripped on a chair and it spoiled my planned introduction. I could feel little glossy sweat beads starting to form on my forehead, from the really strong nerves I was feeling. We sat and I hid my hands under the table to try and remain cool and look as relaxed and debonair as I could manage. We broke the ice quickly. It was an easy conversation, with lots of laughing and it was all wonderful and amazingly natural. I did start to forget that I was meant to be ‘providing’ the companionship. Isabella is a natural and an amazing conversationalist, so this was hardly an authentic experience of having to work hard to get a conversation going, or find common ground, or deal with the menu and fine dining issues of someone less experienced. Anyone dining with Isabella is in for a great time – and we sure had a great time.

My only lesson or difference of experience here, apart from the opening nerves, was a surprising one. It was something I should have realised, but it caught me completely by surprise. I wasn’t paying for the lunch, so all of a sudden intense anxiety hit me about what was the right approach to ordering – did I need to go cheap, mid-range or take Isabella’s offer, the same one that I make all the time, have whatever you want. I went mid-range with the meal and the wine, which at Rockpool is still an extravagance. It wasn’t exactly what I would have ordered if I was paying, especially the wine, but it was close. It made me wonder that when I said ‘have whatever you want’ to companions, how restrained were they really being? How were they making their judgements on what to order? How in future could I really, really convince them to relax and order whatever they really wanted to eat and drink and have a good time. This is a subtle difference between client and provider, but it surprised the hell out of me and made me angry at myself that I hadn’t thought of this difference before.

It was an amazing lunch, really first class and Isabella was magnificent. I hope that I managed to play the part of provider well enough. I did try and shut up about myself and listen more to her, ask her questions, and let her have the lunch conversation that she wanted, but hell, I’m a talker and it is hard to change that in one go. I think I did OK.

SP-View

The Booking – Dessert

We went back to the Shangri La hotel in a taxi, holding hands, continuing to laugh and taking our time as Isabella was recovering from a recent knee injury. I knew she was in a fair bit of pain, but she was pushing on. I was in a really comfortable place, and I was thinking to myself, I want to show Isabella the best possible time that I can. I know I can’t ‘rock someone’s world’ with professional male Escort skills, but I wanted to be intimate, be of service and make her feel good about inviting me.

Isabella had selected me. She actually wanted to meet me, see me, treat me and be intimate with me. That is amazingly special. It is hard even to write this, because it is making me emotional all over again. I have had girlfriends, been married, and even been propositioned for affairs (on very rare occasions), but I had never before had someone choose me in this way. It is nice when Escorts indicate that they are close to me and are happy to accept re-bookings. It does make me feel special as a client, but I am still paying to see them.

It is something else entirely for someone to actively choose me. I wonder now when I see aggressive complaining about minor client annoyances, happening on platforms like Twitter, whether these more seasoned professional Escorts remember, how few people actually get to be chosen in this way. I found it very special, humbling and fulfilling to have the feeling, even for just a moment of role-reversal, to be chosen to be someone’s paid companion.

Almost anyone can be a client. If they make the right approach, are decent, have the money and behave the right way, they can see amazing Escorts. Not many people can be Escorts. Develop a brand that has personal and intimate appeal, make others want them so badly that they will pay, over and over again, and often fall for them. It is special to be of service and to be wanted. Isabella made me feel so special, it is probably the most desired I have ever felt in my life. Someone wanted to be with me badly enough that they would pay me for the privilege. Even in the pretending of this, it was a special moment where I got lost in the role reversal and saw how much of a gift being desired is.

We spoke more. Isabella told me that there was no pressure, we didn’t have to go through with anything and we could just talk and have fun. We did a little of that of course, but I wanted to get intimate with my client for the day, and try and make her happy with me. I did OK again. I wish I had done better, but nerves and self-imposed pressure played their part. I was turned on and hard, no Viagra required, and was having a great time physically, but I admit it was lucky that Isabella was a professional. Despite our role-reversal, it was clear who was the novice (me) and who was the expert (Isabella).

SP-Wine

I don’t know how Escorts manage time, I was terrible. I had always intended to go over time, but I really had no idea, and hadn’t really prepared myself for being ‘on-the-ball’ with alarms, or a discrete clock, or some other way of knowing and managing the time. In the end, I left at close to 6pm, about 90-minutes more than our agreed 4-hour session. I was having a great time, I would have stayed longer, but you know, professional boundaries. Of course Isabella also let me stay until then, so she was cutting me some ‘rare experience’ slack as well. I had a wonderful afternoon, it was an amazing and unique experience, and in many ways it was really pure. Two people that thought they might get along, finding out that their expectations were right. I know Isabella will never book me again – I’m simply just not male Escort material, but I will book her. She is a wonderful Escort.

The Aftermath!

Isabella gave me a card, a gift (Whisky of course) and my fee, a once-only special ‘newby discount’ rate of $50 for what turned out to be a 6-hour lunch. Far more than I’m worth. That payment is “going straight to the pool-room” – framed and honoured. The one time that Percie was paid for sex, the day gravity turned up-side down, water ran up-hill and time went backwards. The day that Percie got to pretend to be a male Escort. Thank you Isabella for a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Now whether I had prepaid Isabella for this to be a role-play or not, really shouldn’t matter to anyone but us. Regardless of that, we both knew that this was pretend, a fabricated experience. Isabella is a professional escort, I am a client. That is the world and although this experience probably taught us both things, especially me, it wasn’t real. No one suggested that all of a sudden Percie was an escort, but despite that, Twitter went into a mini melt-down!

A number of our connections had been celebrating the lead-up, the fun and games of the preamble, and then the booking itself. We both left the day thinking that we had shared our wonderful experience with some of our Twitter buddies. The next morning was a different and nasty world. Apparently we had committed some huge offense against humanity. Some was directed at me, some at Isabella, we both got more than our fair share of haters. Apparently somehow we had disrespected the industry, some smack-in-the-face for struggling workers. It was said that my ego was running wild, that all of a sudden I thought of myself as some gun male Escort. Of course none of the haters asked, none of them discussed, and none of them tried to understand the story or even take a look at the lead-up. Since this was something different, they jumped in, with their own agenda, their own issues, and their own viciousness. A little Twitter campaign against Isabella, or me, or both of us ran for a few days.

The level of nastiness drove Isabella to an asthma attack and hospitalization. In my case, I am actually appreciative of the outcomes. It showed me some vicious people to avoid, it showed me some people that I thought would support me that didn’t, it showed me some that supported me privately, and it showed others that despite the significant personal risk to themselves, didn’t hesitate to jump in and support me. To those that sent me private well wishes, thank you so much. To those that put themselves on the line, I really don’t know how to thank you, or if I will ever be able to repay you – but I know who you are, I love you, and I saw first hand the quality of people that you are. Brave, lovely and like me, stupid enough to jump into social media storms, when far more sensible people would steer clear.

I’m not worried for me, but the malice directed to Isabella is unforgivable in my opinion. The people who complain about their own trolls, haters and aggressors that can hypocritically turn on a lovely and sensitive colleague – well I guess you know what I think. Somehow she is more forgiving of you than I am, so if you still think harm was done here, it was my doing and not hers.

I have this strange feeling of joy at the experience and meeting Isabella. Thankfulness at the insights and lessons that it taught me. Also some thankfulness in knowing who to trust and who not to trust. Plus residual surprise at how these crazy Twitter storms grow and progress, and who it is that seems to want to fuel them.

I am no Escort. I am a pretty simple average guy who is a client of sex workers. I write on the experience occasionally. I make mistakes, I have issues and I stuff up. This wasn’t one of those ‘stuff-ups’, it was always respectful of this industry and if anything, it has given me even more respect for the challenges of being an Escort – especially when solidarity and support within the community goes missing.

Update May 2018

For some reason, some people still have a problem with this whole idea and booking. No one actually wants to say it out in the open, or explain their specific issue. Why it is OK for an Escort to see what it is like to be a client, but clients are not allowed to be paid for sex or have anything like that experience. I missed the rule book on this and I still miss it. If one day I wanted to try my hand at being a mature aged Male Escort, surely a long history as a client would be of benefit. Anyway, perhaps I’m just engaging with troll and haters and perhaps most people see this for what it was – a one off experience and a bit of fun. It still gets me a lot of hate mail.

Thank you for reading. I hope that you can respect Isabella and leave her alone or show her your support. In my case, see this tale however you want. A fun role-play, an ego maniac client, a blight on the industry, or just a guy on a journey. It has cured me of thinking I can somehow get everyone to like me – that lesson alone was worth the experience. To Isabella my companion for the day, it was special, you are amazing, and I love you for being part of this with me. Thank you so much!

Xx SP 7 September 2017 (updated 22 May 2018).

How I (initially) choose an Escort?

What makes a client select an escort?

Thoughts on selecting an escort. How do I choose? How do you choose?

Well I have no idea how you make this very difficult choice. So this article will have to be about how I select an escort for a booking request. Hopefully that gets a few people talking, in social media or via comments, about your thoughts on this complicated decision. Originally, I called this article: Virtual, Physical and Cerebral … but that wasn’t a great title, so I have renamed this piece the obvious — How to choose an Escort?

There is a big difference between making a first-time booking and making a repeat booking, so I am going to try and cover a little of each. In the case of an initial booking, a client normally hasn’t met the escort, for this article I am going to call that a ‘virtual’ selection, since these days it is most likely the result of an entirely online discovery.

SelectionTropics

Virtual to Physical – meeting for the first time.

For most clients, I guess the process starts with some sort of ‘imagined scenario’ of what a first booking with a particular escort would be like. Since everyone’s ‘tastes’ are different, and people’s desires and imagination are so varied, clients are likely to differ significantly in their approach and the online method that works for them. So the process I am describing is one that seems to work for me, it is not a suggestion, and I am interested in what works for you.

It is probably a general truth that photos play the largest part in the initial ‘virtual’ selection. Sexual arousal for most men is very visual and it is not surprising that Escorts go to great lengths getting regular photo shoots and spending long periods of time deciding how to present themselves physically and what photos to show. At this point however, every potential client’s difference in what ‘works for them’ comes into play. I don’t have a particular preference for hair colour for example, although looking back I am about half blond and half brunette for bookings with a small number of redheads.

I am also not concerned about full-face or hidden-face. Although full-face makes it easier to make a selection, I fully respect escorts wanting to maintain as much privacy as possible. In this early selection stage, even with full-face, the prospective client still has to ‘imagine’ the booking and the escort. As a side note, it is rare to be disappointed on meeting an escort with a ‘hidden face’ profile, it is usually about privacy and not hiding features.

Making an initial selection.

It is an uncomfortable truth that at the beginning of a search, prospective clients are really browsing a ‘catalogue of escorts’. Whether the ‘punter’ (a name I dislike, but suits the ‘searching and gambling’ nature of this process) is utilizing the services of websites like Scarlet Blue (SB), Available Angels (AA), Punter Planet (PP), Private Girls (PG) or any of the other aggregating websites (some now defunct as a result of the unfortunate Sesta-Fosta consequences), or just making their own searches, it all starts with finding escorts that ‘appeal’ to the client. This is primarily a ‘how does the escort look’ decision.

My personal preference in Australia is Scarlet Blue, but I have reviewed and selected escort profiles from other sites as well. There are of course escorts with their own websites and active on social media, and there are approaches that don’t require the use of aggregator (industry) websites. I have seen escort’s personal websites, however I have normally discovered escorts from the industry websites named above, or from the social media posts of these same websites, when they progressively promote their advertising escorts. Or in my case from direct discovery on Twitter.

I realise there is a lot to say on this topic, so I will probably go into more detail on specific selection thinking in a future article. It is important to say that during this initial profile review, I am not interested in an escort’s rates (price) or their services. My first question is a simple one, do I find the escort physically attractive? Then, do I like what they say and how they describe themselves, including any insights that I can see from the escort’s social media and other clues, reviews (with lots of caution), personal preferences and the general style of their self-representation online.

In most cases I generally filter out escorts who say nothing about themselves and those who are too aggressive online. I look for communicative escorts who seem authentic and are not bitter or angry. I know this is still only an ‘impression’, but some escorts spend almost all of their online energy complaining about how awful clients are, and in some cases fighting with other sex-workers – well you get the point, I don’t book them.

Progressing to a booking request.

I expect that similar to me, most prospective clients look at many more profiles of Escorts than they actually make booking requests with. So once I have ‘selected an Escort’, what moves me to request a booking? In my case I am seeing less new escorts these days, because I want to re-book others I have seen before. Every so often however the adrenaline and the newness of a ‘first-time booking’ is attractive and I go down this road of discovery again. It is mostly about practicalities by this stage. Will the escort be in the same place (city) as me? What services do they provide and can I afford their rate? Have I already thought about booking them in the past, or heard another escort recommend them? These are all significant factors that come together as part of a complicated personal set of considerations.

There is lots that I could say on services and rates – topics for another time. For me it is simply this, do the services indicate I can book a date that will match my preferences.

As a longer, dinner-date kind-of-guy, I am looking for indications that this is also an enjoyed booking format for the escort. I am not bothered by covered or uncovered, but I am likely to avoid escorts that are more focused on short-bookings, primarily PSE or other combinations that suggest a dinner-date GFE is likely to be less comfortable for them (and therefore for me as well).

I don’t care if the escort does porn or not, just whether when in their ‘escort mode’ they have a service offering that suits my preferences. Then I make a rate decision, this clearly (and sometimes sadly) knocks out a number of choices, as we all have our own comfort range for anything that we buy, just as every escort has their own pricing decision as a result of a large number of personal and market factors.

When rate ‘mismatch’ is the filter.

I know some prospective clients may look for ‘promotions’, or try to negotiate a ‘special rate’, or in severe cases, criticize the escort publicly or privately for her ‘supposedly high rate’ (in their opinion). None of these are appropriate client options in my personal view. I don’t take promotional rates any more. The problem is that if I really like the escort (and why would I be meeting an escort that I did not hope to like), then I am going to have a rate problem in the future.

I also hate negotiating rates, it actually makes me feel sleazy (OK, you can say sleazier if you want to be mean) and I think that it creates an instant reduction in the satisfaction of both the escort and therefore ultimately the client too. I have negotiated ‘unusual date formats’ in the past, but even in these special circumstances, I am now avoiding the negotiation of rates for any type of booking. So that means a rate either works or it doesn’t. It also means I am extremely unlikely to tell an escort that ‘the rate doesn’t work’ for me. I just move on to a different decision.

I guess it is something that every escort (like every business) would love to know – how many bookings and from what type of customer would they get as a result of different rate choices? A crystal ball would be wonderful! I am very happy for escorts who are more successful than I can afford, but for my bookings, that means I have to move on to another escort that I wish to meet who is within my affordability (probably better described as ‘comfort’) range.

A thought for escorts considering their rates, if you are starting out or not getting the volume that you want, maybe you made a poor rate choice. Clients like me are unlikely to tell you and you either get the volume that suits the rate or the clients who love to negotiate a deal. Of course if you are getting too many booking enquiries, then you know what to do. If that prices me out of being able to book you, then I will still be the first to congratulate you on your business success. I am in the same position in my career – some customers can’t afford me and some competitors charge more than me. That’s life and business.

So if everything matches, then when an opportunity presents itself, I will enquire for a booking – that process is also too big a topic to cover here, again a topic for another day. Another worthwhile note here, if I intend to book an escort in the future, then I don’t feel guilty engaging with them in social media. If that escort rejects me in social media (for example as a time waster), then I will move on to someone who has treated me more kindly prior to our first meeting.

Physical to Cerebral – meeting for the second time (and beyond).

All of the above relates to first bookings only. Once you have seen someone, the dynamic changes to something completely different. New photos, new bio, reviews by other clients and for the most part public social media are no longer part of the booking process, it is primarily about how our past bookings went, and how the communication between bookings supports re-booking and ultimately regular booking.

I know some escorts have calendars made up almost entirely of re-bookings and as a result can ease back on their public marketing and advertising. I know others who, for whatever reason, have largely new clients. Some of this will be about choice, part of it may be that some escorts are better at winning new clients and some are better at holding on to the ones they have. I know which group of escorts I prefer to see, but any combination is a legitimate business model and will appeal to certain clients. If an Escort’s business model and desired client base are a perfect match – then that is a wonderful thing. Another day I will explore what makes me re-book and why I see certain escorts as regulars, again those dynamics work for me but may not work for others. To be honest, as some of my articles show, it doesn’t always work for me – we are all learning and we are all changing.

Eventually the marketing (virtual online aspect) gives way to an ongoing escort-client relationship that is the same as any ongoing connection between two people (or a business and its customers) – it depends on both parties getting what they need from the relationship and that is the interesting part, what a client needs varies enormously and so does what an escort needs (after the obvious need to earn a living).

I believe pure physical appeal starts to give way very quickly to other things. In my case, that is a complex list but comes down to ‘how well we click’. How much do I strongly desire to see someone again, that I have enjoyed their company and want to have more moments with, someone that I am starting to think of as more of an ‘occasional friend and desired lover’, than an Escort on some industry list.

How do you make this difficult and complicated choice?

Thank you for your readership. Your thoughts, comments and article sharing are all greatly appreciated.

Xx SP 20 March 2017 (article updated 11 May 2017 and again on 18 May 2018).

Sex and Guilt

Buying sex and dealing with associated guilt.

Client guilt, the dark-side of seeing escorts.

Get over it! Guilt is the most useless emotion. Guilt is anger directed at ourselves. Guilt is to the spirit, what pain is to the body. Forgive yourself, guilt helps nobody. I’m sure you, like me, have heard similar quotes on the subject of guilt.

Every client wants to rid themselves of guilt and embrace the pleasure and enjoyment they seek when buying the services of an escort. However guilt is a sneaky and invasive feeling, shaking it isn’t always that easy to do. So why do I feel guilt and what should I do about it?

GuiltShot2

So where is my guilt coming from?

Well that is a very long list, summed up by the cheeky T-shirt above. (one of my all time favorite photos – can you imagine how great it was, a regular of mine agreeing to wear this for a photo – OK, getting distracted). Here are a few of the obvious sources: I’m deceptive and breaking trust in a monogamous relationship. I have daughters who wouldn’t understand my secret life or sex-work in general. I’m buying intimacy from someone who would most likely not even notice me in the ‘normal’ world. I’m older, I’m spoilt, I’m selfish, I’m entitled, I’m wasting money that could do something far more meaningful in society. I’m a creepy client of sex-workers and other better men than me don’t need to buy this service. I’m needy, flawed, and insecure. That is just the start of the ‘hate-list’ I use against myself.

Worse than that, I may be self-destructive, seeking solace and comfort from an escort that can’t give the same to me in return (without being self-destructive in their own right). Clients often want to ‘suck up compassion’ and the poor empathetic escorts that give ‘too much’ of this support away, can do significant damage to their own psyche. The fact that I know this unhealthy dynamic exists, and yet I still desire real intimacy with many of the escorts that I meet, just makes me feel even more guilty for having these feelings and hopes. It is almost a vicious spiral, adding to all of the other causes of guilt. So as the T-shirt says, ‘I am a cunt’ (in the unfairly negative use of this word)!

Of course I didn’t even add that society hates us both – escort and client alike – if only they knew the level of guilt, shame and insecurity that can hit us. It’s not that we are ashamed of ‘buying sex’, or anything about sex-work – we are just generally ashamed of other aspects of ourselves. The mythical sexual freedom and indulgent debauchery that society may often imagine when picturing sex-work, probably isn’t anything like the world that they expect it is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going back (it is amazing), but there is always a price to pay, and sometimes one of those prices is unfortunately guilt. Most of us have issues to deal with, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t on to a much better, free, and more contemporary reality.

So why do I continue to see escorts?

At TedX Sydney in 2016, Elise Payzan-Le Nestour (behavioural economist) said, “we are all greedy and lack self-control”. The smoker, gambler, drinker and even extreme athletes, vegans and religious zealots all know that their activity of choice has consequences both positive and negative – joy and despair. My initial decision was to seek joy in parts of my life that I felt I had lost, youth, intimacy, wild sex and even the adrenaline of secrecy and ‘seeing behind the curtain’ of social taboos.

Some of these reasons remain, but over time the reasons that I continuing to remain a ‘client of escorts’ have changed. There are now other reasons as well. Things like loving more than one person intimately, maintaining important connections, learning new things (both the salacious and the mundane) and having joyful, compressed and intense moments to look forward to in the future and then to savor secretly when looking back at my hidden past. I added an article specifically on ‘Staying in the Moment’ to look more specifically at this unique dynamic that exists in the escort-client world.

I actually feel quite sorry for people who do not have this amazing level of sexual and intimate experience in their lives. So those who give in to guilt and choose a different moral path, may not have to deal with the negative consequences, but they may be robbing their life of areas of fulfillment that they may regret. I believe that I would look back and regret aspects of my life, if I gave up on these amazing experiences.

I know I need the highs and lows to feel alive. My personal discovery in seeing escorts, is that a mundane, predictable and vanilla path is death, a zombie-like existence, that fails to see there is more joy to be had. This has led me to do many, many other new things, however seeing escorts is still my favorite part of a more vigorous, spontaneous and vibrant life.

How do escorts manifest and deal with guilt?

This will probably be material for a longer article in the future (if an escort or two would like to help me with the appropriate material). For now, it still needs to be placed within this discussion. Like clients, escorts are on their own journey of dealing with guilt. The sources, the resulting emotions, and the level of personal resolution changes from escort to escort and even from moment to moment with the same individual (clients as well). I have had moments when I felt I had ‘resolved the guilt’ and then it comes back and ‘bites-me-in-the-ass’ in unexpected ways.

I have been watching this play out with some escorts. In many social media conversations there is pressure to agree that guilt is bad, society has it all wrong and escorts are like the ‘mutant X-Men’ and the future of a liberated and sexually enlightened society. Wouldn’t it be nice to think that were true, and in some ways, I think that it is.

Some of the same voices however will then say that when they “retire, they wouldn’t see a man that has visited escorts”, often missing the guilt-laden irony in this statement. Some particularly smart escorts also experience guilt from their astute awareness that as advocates for feminism, their earning potential is still largely the result of residual patriarchal structures and ‘women as object’ thinking. This also causes guilt for me – as I support feminism but take advantage of the contradictions that allow me to book escorts.

Of course most of the guilt comes from us having difficulty escaping our upbringing, the standards of our families and friends, and the malicious attacks that come from an ignorant society with a mistaken view of sex-work. The social errors don’t really matter, as wrong or right, the sheer volume and persistence is a weight on client and escort alike. It scratches away at our insecure selves in those weak moments, and creates self-doubt, sadness and this most useless of all emotions – guilt.

What does it all mean?

So I don’t know what to do. Sometimes in the ten-seconds it takes to get a condom on, the guilt-laden doubts enter my head, and my penis goes into retreat. I win the battle more than the doubts do, and most times joyfulness ensues for a brief few hours, more than worthy of the financial cost, and an amazing memory is created. Of course later the guilt can return in what I guess we might call ‘post-booking melancholy’ (a topic I added after this original article was written).

As for the industry, we shouldn’t pretend that guilt doesn’t exist. Please don’t shame those who feel it more acutely than you, those who can’t be ‘out’ with their family and friends, and perhaps most of all: those of us compassionate clients should remember that in our own guilt, we need to be reinforcing to our wonderful supporting escorts that their choices are more than worthy too! Any guilt that they may feel should give way to the youthful, vigorous, spontaneous and vibrant life that they are providing to their clients, and hopefully they are fully able to enjoy this more vibrant and enriched life as well.

Guilt really is the most useless of emotions.

Xx SP 17 March 2017 (Happy St Patrick’s Day) (article updated 9 May 2017 and again on 7 May 2018)

Constructing a Dinner Date

The client-side anatomy of a ‘kick-ass’ dinner date.

A dinner-date is pretty easy, right?

Sure, intimate diners are happening everywhere, some go well, some go badly, but when you are taking an escort out on a dinner date, you hardly want it to go badly.

In fact normally you want it to be an amazing experience, and at least a quality one for the escort involved. If there is one date format that I think I’m starting to understand reasonably well, it is an escort-client dinner date. So what does one look like from a client perspective?

DinnerDetail

The set-up and booking.

There really is so much involved that this could be a very long blog if I get encyclopedic, so here are some basics that seem to work for me. First of all, who is coming to dinner? My view is generally someone you have seen before, although I break that rule myself regularly. Secondly, eat first and get to know each other, especially with new people, although I break that rule regularly as well. It can be nice eating after the bedroom escapades, especially with repeat bookings. Personally, I’m still undecided on what order is better – both can be great experiences and have their obvious benefits, so mix it up perhaps!

So the basics are, pick an escort that enjoys a dinner date, research what they like (food and drinks) and then book the best restaurant you can manage, ideally with the hotel room attached or in close proximity. Travel time is wasted time. Don’t skimp on dinner and drinks, you are making a memory for yourself as well as trying to give the escort a memorable experience, just as though you were on a real date. Perhaps even more so, as this is meant to be a fantasy experience after all. They may remember the dinner even if you, like me, are Mr Average in the bedroom. Everyone enjoys a great meal with great food, attentive service and great ambiance.

Preparation and planning for success.

Going to a known reliable restaurant is not a bad thing, although it needs to be mixed with changing things up, if it is somewhere you go to regularly. Other preparation may include gifts (although personally, gift giving is for me a far more complex discussion) and the general preparation for the evening. Escort, hotel and restaurant bookings should all be made in advance (and confirmed). Usually the more ‘advanced’ the restaurant booking, the better the table, but don’t be afraid to ask for something good.

I always try and have a text or message with the escort on the day, saying that I am looking forward to the dinner – which is always the truth. They may also have their own ‘confirmation’ process – make sure you complete it and are super-nice and well mannered in your communication. No one wants to enter an extended booking stressed or feeling slightly annoyed with their companion.

I always get to the ‘attached hotel’ or if that isn’t possible, where I am staying at least an hour before the date is due to start. I want to be freshly showered, smell good (not too over the top), have fresh breath, be well dressed, be relaxed, do a final review of the escort’s profile and make sure the room (and payment) is fully ready for the dinner and afterwards – music, lights, other drinks, ice, envelope and anything else that is part of the date. Make it special for you both and get the preparation done and finished.

Having the date play out.

So many possibilities, but here is some more advice. Be an attentive conversationalist, but also let the escort drive some or most of it, they are usually very good at dinner and at keeping conversation going. Let them drive the dinner as well, how many courses, what to order and most of the related decisions, unless they specifically ask you to decide. Short or long dinners are fine with me, as long as my dinner guest is happy with the end result and overall timing. Don’t set budget rules, most escorts won’t go crazy and make sure you tip well at the end – showing restaurant staff some generosity sends a pretty important signal and I believe that you should recognise great service in any case.

When you retire, let the escort drive the experience again. If the ‘business’ still needs to be sorted, do it immediately, it doesn’t matter how good the rapport, if the escort is still hanging out for payment, every passing second is reducing the ‘mood’ of the date. Do it nicely and do it immediately. Further drinks and relaxation (non-alcoholic if the escort doesn’t want to drink), a bit of continued conversation should all ease nicely into what else is to come. Handled well, by both client and escort, dinner dates in my view can be the ultimate format – sexy, relaxing, enjoyable and satisfying on so many levels. The balance of physical and conversational intimacy can be sublime.

Final thoughts.

You may have other privacy, secrecy and other considerations – take care of them as well. Interruptions, calls and other forms of disruption can happen in longer date formats, but do your best to avoid them. Your use of your phone will set a tone for the escort to maybe use (and check) theirs as well. I feel that taking photos and having a relaxed companion who isn’t stressing over what is happening on their phone is best, so some mobile use makes perfect sense. I must admit however, that lately I have noticed a growing trend of escorts to spend a lot of time on their phones during bookings, it is concerning and off-putting if it is taken to extremes, and can have a big impact on the quality of the date. Make sure you are not the one setting a negative tone for this. My attention is fully on the escort I am with for the duration of the date, sometimes their attention might drift, forgive them for this, as anything else just robs you of your own experience.

Not everyone can afford the cost of a dinner date. It isn’t just the extended booking, in addition the meal, hotel, drinks and associated costs can add up to a large amount. I never add this up, but some people don’t have that luxury. I would however suggest that if you can undertake this form of booking every now and again, do so, it is in my humble opinion the best mix of long and short bookings, and can make for a most amazing experience.

Some of my dinner dates will permanently reside in my memory among my all-time best moments. In fact I have discussed some of those memories in Degustation Dream and Harbour Lights – both simply perfect dinner bookings.

Dining with a beautiful and intelligent woman is a most wonderful experience.

Thank you readership. Thanks also Zoe and Anya for comments on the original version of this article. New thoughts, comments, insights and your own experiences much appreciated. Please share and comment if you feel inclined.

Xx SP 14 March 2017 (article updated 8 May 2017 and again on 6 May 2018).

Hurt feelings

When I started, I never expected to hurt anyone’s feelings.

New world, strange expectations!

When I look back to the beginning of my own journey, for some reason I felt that the whole reason for seeing an escort was to avoid entanglement. Oh, and of course to see someone that you could never get to meet in real life. It was a very simplistic view of the escort world.

I didn’t expect that I would get hurt feelings. I certainly never expected that I would hurt anyone else’s feelings. In those early days, I foolishly believed that I wouldn’t have strong feelings for the escorts that I met, and it didn’t even enter my head, that a few escorts may have feelings for me too!

HotelRoom

A double life – you’re not a ‘muggle’ anymore.

So the first feelings hurt were my own. I have a slightly addictive personality as well as a typical male’s needy one. I also fall in love relatively easily.  That is a dangerous cocktail of emotional need, connection and human addiction. So when I first started re-booking and then seeing certain escorts regularly, their commentary about great bookings and their great clients hurt my ego a little – I wondered if my time with them would ever be remembered like that? I found out, that I had pretty strong feelings for some of these wonderful women.

Initially, I didn’t think that I wanted to be ‘special’ in their lives, but I found that was becoming increasingly important to me with some of the regular escorts I was seeing – and if I’m being honest, knowing that in a number of these cases, I wasn’t at all special to them, hurt! It hurt like a ‘mother-fucker’.

So to some degree, I got over this. I spent a long-time ‘smacking myself in the face’ with logic. To some degree this worked, I understood that just getting a little friendly message between bookings, or a slight overstay, or just general authentic and honest interest in my life and well-being (as well as being allowed to re-book of course), were all signals that I was at least an appreciated client, if not a favoured one. I took strength from those small but sweet gifts of attention and interest. What I still didn’t realise, in slightly hardening myself against the personal hurt, was that some of these escorts also had some feelings for me. Beyond the basic business of ‘playing the companion’, some of the escorts I met, actually liked me just a little.

Hurting an escort’s feelings.

Everyone is different and so is every escort. This is obvious but important, as everyone’s tolerance for pretty much anything is different. The idiot that I am, I thought that a professional escort would not be hurt by knowing that I was seeing other escorts, after all, they were seeing so many other men (and women). That idea, along with a number of others I held as a ‘newly-minted’ client, was wrong in a number of instances.

Many escorts like to ‘turn a blind eye’ to what their clients do when not with them, just as I liked to do the same in reverse. For some escorts, perhaps it comes down to professional competitiveness and business risk (loosing a client), for others however, it is a genuine human interconnection, and being aware of the truth (especially in detail) can hurt. It really doesn’t matter whether you are a client or an escort – feelings are feelings and they are not at all logical.

Maybe it is not always a deep hurt, but some pain and discomfort at least. I was unaware of this, as I was telling myself the ‘logical story’ that of course ‘why would any escort actually care for me’. In that ignorance, I was oblivious to the fact that the details of my other bookings, and certain escort-related actions, were hurting the feelings of some of the escorts to whom I had become the most connected with. I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I was mortified when I found out that I had.

The extreme cases.

Not only do I have strong feelings for a number of escorts that I have met, I may have actually fallen in love with more than one of them, a story that I added a specific blog article about called ‘Loving an Escort’ that goes into greater detail. I know that this level of feeling isn’t reciprocated, it isn’t even reasonable, and in many ways it could even be seen as creepy and very poor client behaviour – but I am just a human being with feelings that most of the time do what they will, whether I want them to or not.

All it really means in practice is that the ‘hurts’ are far stronger. It is very hard for any of us to feel forgotten, or hold a level of interest in someone that isn’t reciprocated. Often clients feel this, as a significant part of the whole industry is for clients to ‘experience’ what it is like to be with a Girlfriend (GFE bookings). If that ‘Girlfriend’ illusion is strong and residual (and let’s face it the best Escorts make your truly want to be their Boyfriend), it is difficult for clients watching as their ‘temporary Girlfriend’ goes about being a professional companion, marketing and promoting their business, their clients and their experiences. It can be even harder watching some escorts denounce clients in general as awful, tragic and broken people. It is even harder, when for whatever reason, they denounce you.

For me, the personal benefits of continuing to enjoy these relationships is more than worth the hurt. Some of the feelings need to be buried deep and not openly expressed – freaking someone out with adoration is only going to end the connection in most cases. The ‘heart wants what the heart wants’ but that doesn’t mean that you need to freak people out with it. Staying cool is a valuable skill but a hard lesson to learn. It is one that I am still on a journey to learning and a year after initially writing the article, I still can’t say I have mastered this.

A double life or a multiple life – what is the answer?

So coming back to the beginning, I went into being a client of escorts and started a ‘double-life’. I never thought that in the ‘client-world’, things would need to be further compartmentalized and that ‘secrets within secrets’ might become a requirement. I sometimes think that the only answer to avoiding ‘causing pain’ is to move into a ‘multiple-life’ of even greater division and secrecy – I am however not ready for that, it seems a step too far.

The alternative is to understand and even embrace that some level of pain goes along with joy, ecstasy and love. Maybe I need to feel pain to know that I’m alive, just as much as I need to experience the classically positive emotions. In fact we can’t really feel joy, love, happiness and ecstasy without it contrasting against other darker moments in our lives – light and shade.

Maybe some escorts need to realise this too. If they are feeling client induced pain from a strong connection, maybe that is a good thing. They are alive, the work has emotional meaning, and they probably have a client who is going to be around for a long time! Assuming that both can stay-in-the-moment and not expect or demand more from the connection than the other is willing or able to give. Of course I added a blog post on that thought too, called ‘Staying in the Moment’.

Being a regular client of amazing escorts isn’t the simple magical world that I thought it was, but I’m never going back to a ‘muggle’ life. Perhaps with the added layers and complexity it is an even better world.

Thank you for you readership. Please feel free to share, comment, disagree, I’m am always happy for your thoughts and input. Of course this is the view of one simple client, and I am not speaking for others. Thanks also for the comments on the original version of the article from Jack and Bella.

Xx SP 11 March 2017 (article updated 8 May 2017 and again 6 May 2018)

Am I a time-waster?

What creates an online time-waster? Some thoughts …

It isn’t nice to be branded a time-waster!

Yet every client who spends time on social media will have been told, at one point or another, that they are a time-waster, some equivalent of “make a booking or get off social media” and stop engaging with ‘us’ here.

I know not every escort passes this judgement, but in dark moments and dark moods, or in the midst of a more disagreeable exchange with the truly nasty people out there on the Internet, it is easy to say … “punters who like using your free-time on social media go away, you are just wasting our time!”

TimeShot

Time-wasting and ‘pre-meeting’ social media connections.

In as much as my social media use can be considered typical, there are several reasons for me to be on Twitter and maintaining some contact (personal message, text and email) with certain escorts. Perhaps the best way to consider this is within ‘stages of connection’. What ‘steps’ are happening in the social media channels.

The first classical marketing stage would be awareness. A prospective client may become aware of an escort through any number of methods, including key websites such as Scarlet Blue, PP, AA and so on. Of course clients will be ‘aware’ faster if they are seeing posts from these sites in their social media feeds, and actually helping with awareness if they are re-posting or commenting on them, and thereby putting them in other people’s social feeds as well. This is especially the case since platforms like Twitter started ‘shadow-banning’ and in other ways hiding the content of Escorts and this industry.

After awareness comes consideration, would I like to meet? Some escorts believe clients should silently observe escort’s social media posts and make this decision by reading content alone – essentially stalk silently but don’t engage. The ‘dialogue’ between social media active clients and social media active escorts however can be part of the consideration process, not only for the ‘prospective client’ that is engaged, but also for others that are observing how Escorts interact with other prospective clients. In all honesty, I have gone ‘cold’ on the idea of meeting certain escorts when I see how they treat prospective clients and their fellow workers within social media channels. Rightly or wrongly, it is the feeling of ‘dodging a bullet’ in the same way workers feel when they avoid what looks like an apparent bad booking when a ‘jerk reveals their colours’ or treats another person badly on social media – it’s a two-way street.

‘Post-meeting’ social media connection.

Things can get even worse once a booking has happened. In the marketing area of post-purchase satisfaction, many clients (and possibly a few escorts as well) are looking for the ‘booking’ to be mentioned in some way. Personal messages, public messages, reviews and many other possible communication options send a signal. A client considering re-booking or becoming a regular may also be looking for cues, feedback and knowing more about the escort. Is there any signal that it was a ‘good booking’?

This can look like ‘time-wasting’ to everyone else not directly involved, and can even look like time-wasting to the escort in question. Public content also has the problem of clashing with straight marketing for new clients and also possibly with other trusted and loyal regulars – this area is a minefield. It may be complicated and need to fit with other requirements, but it shouldn’t be classed as time-wasting.

I don’t think there is an easy answer, but for anyone who thinks clients should ‘be seen and not heard’ and not be active in social media channels, perhaps consider that everyone has different communication needs and a different social interaction and the channels (talking mainly Twitter here) are themselves not meant to be one-sided or ‘out-of-bounds’ for any group in any part of the modern online social world. Although that is changing in this terrible new censorship era we seem to be heading into, where none of us may have a voice on public online channels for much longer if we keep letting politicians and platforms drive us back into the dark ages.

My time is my own to use as I wish and so is yours, if I am a time-waster for you, then don’t let me use your time, but don’t try and classify me for everyone else with a different view of the world, or people who know first-hand that I am not wasting their time. Just choose to use your time somewhere else. Un-following, blocking and muting would seem far better than insulting people online, just because your use and social media approach is different to someone else’s experience.

It isn’t you I’m saying this too anyway, as that audience probably wouldn’t have made it here to the end of the article anyway – or had already blocked me a long time ago. Your thoughts and experiences are most welcome.

Xx SP 9 March 2017 (article updated on 7 May 2017 and again on 6 May 2018).